How do you cope with being the bad guy- ending it when they don't want it to end

[BreathlessCommotion]

Married 11 years, lots of issues. I've tried for a year, been to counselling. But it's not enough, I know I want to end it. But he really doesn't. He says he loves me, he'd do anything.

I feel awful. I have form for placating and carrying on with things so as not to upset others, or have them dislike me. I'm really trying.

I know that when I think of life separate from him I feel relief. But I'm finding it so hard to just say that's it, it's over.

I separated from my husband 6 months ago after years of staying together for the children. It was a mutual decision I thought but since reality has bitten him I have been painted as the bad guy and it’s hard. He has promised the sun moon and stars to come back, told the kids he was only going for 3 months and would be back, blamed me for our sons issues dealing with the break up, will not get a permanent accommodation set up so kids are being ferried around between various relatives when he takes them- all to make me feel as bad as possible. @turnedabout your post really resonates- what your counselor said is just what I need to hear from someone because the last few weeks have been worse than at the beginning with self doubt and fear I’m ruining my kids lives BreathlessCommotion I get the bad guy feeling and it is so hard to play that role but sometimes you have to face the hard conversation for your own sanity. If you don’t love him don’t stay -if you are like me you will come to this point again and again and be sorry you didn’t act sooner

Following as I am in the same boat. I have told him I want us to separate, and he has cried and told me he’ll do whatever it takes. It’s too late, I don’t love him and don’t want to be with him anymore, but don’t want to be the selfish bitch the breaks up the home. I just can’t do that to him or the children. I don’t know what to do, it’s way too hard, so I stick it out in the hope that somehow it will magically get better.

@turnedabout
How did you actually find the courage to tell him and leave?
This is what I’m really struggling with at the moment and the longer I’m in the same house as him the more he thinks there’s a chance it will work / he’ll guilt me into staying when I know it’s not what I want

@PickMeImNice
Totally with you here 😩

I have made sure I've spoke to a solicitor, I've looked at houses to rent. So I'm prepared.

I spoke to a solicitor too and have looked at places to rent (which is such a lovely feeling in a weird way) but I’ll be staying with family until I find somewhere to actually move into.
My issue is that DP won’t let me take DC with me, and so I’ve put off telling him for 2 weeks because I don’t know what to do about that situation. People tell me to leave while he’s at work but that’ll just make him even more angry?

@BreathlessCommotion @lostandconfused20
You are dealing with very tough situations here. Don't do anything he tells you to do- he's only thinking about himself - you have to think about yourself now (just like he is doing). Trust your instinct. Ignore the guilting he will do to you.
This next part is very important:
Don't let him 'tell' you you can't take your children with you. You can, you are. That's decision made. Full stop. No one can separate a mother from her children. If you leave without them you will never get them back and when it turns nasty (and it will - he will tell the kids you have abandoned them- and definitely gets nastier when his solicitor gets involved) they will submit to the court that you abandoned your children, you walked out on him and them, you are unfit and mentally unstable, you will find it impossible to get the court on your side to give you custody. Don't let him do that to you.

My ex played the 'poor wee me I had no idea' to everyone when it was all none sense, he knew fine well the problems we had been having, it just suited him to pretend he didn't so he could carry on as he liked, treating me like I was a ghost , for as long as he could get away with it.

For me there was a critical event that broke the camels back - was the last straw (my counsellor said that's more common with women than with men - we put up with so much then we've had enough!) I found a place to rent, booked it, packed my things and left. He stood in front of my car on the driveway and said if I drove out then he would never speak to me again - suits me - so I happily drove away, unfortunately he didn't stick to his word and had plenty to say afterwards. One day it was 'I love you so much and will do xyz' the next day it was 'you are an appalling dreadful person and all your family are scum, you need to return to me immediately as no one else will ever want you as you are damaged goods and there's clearly something seriously mentally broken in you if you don't want me to be your husband any more because I'm a wonderful man and everyone tells me so'.

Reader - I met someone else 6 months later, fell in love and we now have a wonderful 6 month old son together.

You owe it to yourself to live the happiest life you possibly can, borrow the money to get out if you need to, yes you will feel like shit short term but staying with him will only make you feel even more shit long term.

My counsellor told me to get a book by Lundy bank Croft called 'why does he do that' explains all about controlling tactics such as 'how can you do this to me' when you both know you have had arguments, difficulty etc. Cut through his bullshit and his self preserving lies that control you into doing what he wants you to do.

Should also add, my own parents divorced when I was 12 after 23 years of marriage - they were both very unhappy, lots of arguments and tension in our house but when my dad took the step to end the marriage my mum did the poor wee me/ how could you do this to me and the kids/ I'm brilliant you are a shit for leaving me. Even as a child at the time I knew she was lying to everyone as she knew there were problems but was pretending there weren't so to put blame and guilt on to my dad and to not ever admit she was as fault or had made mistakes. 30 yeArs on she says she's glad they got divorced as she (and he) both have much happier lives. we as their children don't have to walk on eggshells in the house, witnessing how unhappy it all was. We aren't damaged because of their divorce, we love both our parents.
I hope this helps put Things into perspective, long term it is much better for everyone that you stoped an unhealthy unhappy relationship.

Thank you @turnedabout I needed to hear that. I did it this weekend and feel so wretched about my DC though know that it is definitely what I want in terms of DP - nothing left after 16 years, and I have been unhappy for at least 5 I would say. If it's any help for others, what I did do was kept a list on my phone if all the reasons why I just hated being with him and would rather be on my own than in a relationship with him. The cumulative read of that helped and continues to help my clarity about the need to leave and is keeping me on course. I also did all my financial planning, house valuations and so on. In one way it was a distraction but in another it helped me make positive steps.

Hi OP, did you manage to speak to him last night?
I was forced into the situation of talking to him this morning and I told him I didn’t want him shouting at me, I was going to be honest, and told him I didn’t feel the same way towards him anymore.
There were a few comments aimed at me not trying hard enough etc but he took it quietly. I went to work and he called an hour later asking me if I didn’t love him anymore and what I wanted to do etc as well as a few shitty comments at me not trying again and also asking if I had someone else to give me attention and that’s why Im being like this.
Anyway we didn’t get anywhere in that convo other than him weakening me (which I feel stupid for) and he has since texted twice apologising for the way our relationship has gone and how awful he feels and he feels like a failure to me and our DC. Which has made me feel more guilt but I know know know I need to be strong and stick to it because it will never change long term. His issues will never change so we will end up in this position further down the line and wasted time. Help me stay strong!

lostandconfused then you need to say that to him.

call him out on those previous broken promises/unfulfilled commitments. let him see your frustration/anger.

but only once. after that, just pick a suitable grey rock response to parrot.

We talked. He thinks I'm giving up too soon, that lots of stressful things have happened in the last few months (both of us had issues with work- I was signed off for a while), and that we can work this out.

It's so hard because he asked for examples or reasons and I give them. Then he explains away, or says he doesn't do that anymore. It's so hard to explain that this isn't about doing more, that the spark just isn't there for me anymore. That I associate him with the emotional abuse he used to dole out, even if he has now changed.

I thought about trying and a friend today reminded me of how long I've felt like this.

Hi, can I join too please!
I have been having counselling myself for the last year as I thought maybe I was going through a midlife crisis or hormonal changes.
What I now realise is that I never fancied him with the passion I should have. He is a good man, and ticked all the boxes, I didn't realise that passion is important, but as I've gotten older the fact I dont want to be intimate with him saddens me so much, but I can't spend what is left of my life with 'almost good enough'
He is devastated understandably and I don't want to hurt him, I also know I probably won't meet anyone else but if I stay where I am I definitely won't and I am ok with being alone, but it's so so scary, particularly when he hasn't done much wrong :((

@BreathlessCommotion how have you left things? It sounds like your mind is made up, stand firm. I've been in a similar situation, no abuse though. We are still together and it isn't the same, I completely know what you mean, that the spark has gone, and he too would argue that things are so much better. And they are, and I'm no longer desperate to part ways, but everything is just perfectly ok and I don't think that will be good enough in the long run.

My biggest hurdle to overcome was, like you, the guilt. I havent managed it and am still here. I have utmost admiration for having the courage I didn't have. I think in your case, as there has been abuse, there's no coming back once you've really registered that and acknowledged it. Good luck, and if you know, stay strong.

@BreathlessCommotion this all sounds eerily similar to my experience with my kids' dad.

Standing firm is the key. You don't need his permission to "stop trying". You can just... stop trying. Where there is any form of abuse, you cannot and should not trust what is coming out of their mouth.

The most powerful thing you can do is trust your own instincts. Cling on to them for dear life.

All of this is exactly me. I HATE the feeling of being the one to break everything up, upsetting him, upsetting the kids. So much so that I feel like sticking it out is the best option, no matter how unhappy I am. We've had all the conversations, the counselling, the 'things are going to change' promises, but we are no further forward. I feel like he's clinging on hoping I'm ok now and it's all forgotten. And yes, my head has been turned, and made me realise what I'm missing in my life, and how much I need it. If I don't act soon I'll lose that chance too, but even if I do, I know that weighing it all up I'd be happier on my own. It is so clear in my head what I want and need to do, but the guilt of it is overwhelming. I take so much strength from the ladies here who have changed their lives, and when I'm here I feel like I can really do it. But as soon as he's in front of me, it all falls away and I completely lose the bravery and strength. How do you do it? How? I feel so stuck. Massive hugs to everyone here who is trying to give themselves a happier life xxx

@Bearski77 I think the only thing you can do is throw yourself over the metaphorical parapet. I.e. just blurt it out, obviously, pick your moment but Just. Do. It.

The fallout is horrible BUT living in misery is 100x worse. You will find strength you never knew you had. Dont hang your hat on the new prospect though. If they are right for you there is no urgency there.

@Bearski77 I hung on too thinking it's not that bad, it's a bit better now etc and then a number of serious incidents very close together then came 'the last straw' incident and I knew I could no longer stay with him. Not one more day looking at his horrid face, listening to his awful drone, hearing his snuffly breathing. He repulsed me. Still does.
I secretly rented a flat, quietly moved my things that he wouldn't notice were gone, then packed all my obvious things, filled my car and drove off to the flat. I can't tell you the relief as I opened the door of that flat and closed it behind me. I slept like a log that night. I knew it was the right thing to do in the long run but boy did he make me suffer in the meantime - it gets nasty so please no one leave your kids with your ex thinking it will be ok. It won't. You must bring them with you.

We haven't spoken about it since, but I am determined. I've opened a bank account for my salary to go. He isn't trying to be affectionate now though.

I'm looking for somewhere to rent, but hope that he will see that it would best for the dc to stay in the house. I'm getting financial advice as to whether I could buy him out.

I'm determined now.

Good for you, @BreathlessCommotion I got financial advice about buying him out too. The whole time in the meeting my heart was racing as it felt so secretive, sharing my plans with some random mortgage guy, but you have to know where you stand. I want to stay in the house with the kids, so am not really looking at renting @turnedabout right now, but realise I might have to. I know the kids would hate it though :(

If there was emotional abuse it will still be there in the background so do you think his mask has slipped once again.

You can do this.

I am hoping to stay in the house but I'm looking at rented because I think he will refuse to move out, or drag it out in the hope I'll change my mind. At least if I rent somewhere I can go.

Surely you need to take a wider perspective? Where there is no abuse we owe our kids to stay married. It’s a lifetime commitment and feelings often change. Kids of divorce don’t necessarily do worse but the adults get homes etc. as they ferry about, with no real base (when they are young).
Which is most important - your happiness or your children’s? Try harder, fight, spend time together, make it work. We did after an awful few years and are now very happy.

You may get an amazing new DP (quote) they won’t get another live in dad, however good a step parent the new partner is / however good the co-parenting is. And if there are more than 1 child who ferries them about - or does one have to sit in random halls, watching sports matches? Admittedly easier when older kids - but what’s more important - your kids childhood or your happiness (repeat, not case if abuse, is the case if you just are not happy). And the regrets will stay with you for the rest of your life - kids ask questions....

Date nights - force it - trips to the gym together. I promise it’s worth it!