How do you cope with being the bad guy- ending it when they don't want it to end

[BreathlessCommotion]

Married 11 years, lots of issues. I've tried for a year, been to counselling. But it's not enough, I know I want to end it. But he really doesn't. He says he loves me, he'd do anything.

I feel awful. I have form for placating and carrying on with things so as not to upset others, or have them dislike me. I'm really trying.

I know that when I think of life separate from him I feel relief. But I'm finding it so hard to just say that's it, it's over.

But there has been abuse, emotional abuse and control for years. And I've tried date nights and spending time together, it doesn't make me love him, it makes me remember how different we are.

I have compromised my whole self fir a decade. I've not been on holiday it travelled (as he refuses), I've turned down career opportunities because he wouldn't support it. And I'm witnessing him emotional abuse our dc. Should I be so miserable for the rest of my life, so much that I consider suicide a better option?

There are interesting studies that show the very worst thing for your children is to wait until they leave home and then divorce. It makes them feel that their whole childhood was a lie and guilty.

The fact for me is that I never should have married him. I did following two relationships with commitment phobic partners. He proposed after a matter of months. And I should have left when I first considered it.

As I said all this only applies when there has NOT been abuse. If there has then you have little choice.

@BreathlessCommotion I wholeheartedly disagree with the fact you should stay regardless if there is no abuse, yes you should try, but if you have and failed theres nothing wrong with saying "we gave it our best shot but we aren't happy together"

That said, there has been abuse so all the more reason to stand firm. And I'm kinda glad that the pp posted what they did about staying and trying cos your last update was full of fire and lists very succinctly exactly why you should go.

Copy and paste it, screen shot it, whatever, but keep it close at hand for the times that you waiver. Remember your own words, your own advice. It will help you be committed to a happy future for you and your DC.

I'm also sorry to hear you have felt suicidal. Do you feel this way now? If so do you have a support network that you can talk to?

He is adamant that this is a hard phase, life has been tough recently. He says he loves me, he's sorry for what he did and said. He has changed etc.

I cried a lot, and tried to explain the effect of the abuse over the years. Whatever the reason (ASD and a shitty childhood) the effect on me is the same. I also said he was only willing to change or apologise when he realised I was serious about leaving.

Why is this so hard.

Breathless commotion I have read the thread, I empathise with you.
I have 2 DC, was in an emotionally abusive relationship with their father for 8 years.
I have tried to leave before and have not gone through with it because I've felt too guilty or just not totally convinced it was the right thing to do.
I have finally escaped. Only a few days ago. I managed to find somewhere to rent and have left with the children. He hasn't contacted at all, even though he has told me many times they are his priority and that he would never allow me to take them. Also he has tried to bad mouth me to family and has also stolen my phone when I returned to the old home to collect more things. They're absolute scumbags please leave

@Bearski77 you sound like me, I could have written those lines about how you feel like you can do it and then when they’re in front of you the strength and bravery fall away. My partner is the loveliest person you could meet so it’s not that I’m scared of him, but scared of hurting him and seeing him so upset.

@Whathewhatnow I’ve thought it through so many times about what to say (completely over thinking it!!) and I think you’re right, you just need to blurt it out. I tried a couple of weeks ago. I worked out when would be a good moment etc etc and then sat with him watching tv for about 2 hours willing myself to say something. And failed. But maybe I’m getting closer.

Oops sorry, things had moved on and I hadn’t refreshed the page.

Hugs to those looking for strength or for making the break.

Surely if it’s so hard telling them then you should try and make a go of things? Assuming NO abuse....all these cases have abuse.
There is lots of evidence that sticking at it means things get better. Children grow up, become less demanding, feelings change. Kids aren’t passed about, you don’t have the stress of dad collecting kids who may / may not want to go, missing them, step families, second marriages which have a really high failure rate. Rather than obsessing about how / when to blurt it out, better to go out do something to make yourself happy, make friends. You may find the fog will lift and a relationship which is less than optimal won’t seem to bad. My parents are coming towards their 50th anniversary and very happy despite illness. They definitely had some rocky times when we were awkward young teenagers but now we are very close....

Just an observation - and again, only if no abuse. Just that you don’t have the spark anymore, feels more like friends etc.

@Whereisthelaughter

And you may say I gave it best shot, not happy together etc. What about if your happiness goes up and your children’s plummets. Which is will.
How old are the DC involved in these cases?

You ask how you cope with it and my answer would be that once you have made up your mind (and you have) you don't apologise and you don't explain. You can't explain why you don't love someone any more, it's just the way it is. I did this many years ago with my first DH and once he accepted that it was happening he soon found another woman so he wasn't alone for long at all. As far as I know they are still together and fine, so I did him a big favour. Look to the future and keep firm. It's really hard, I know, as you dont want to be the bad guy but you aren't at all - you are being the grown up and making the decision that is best for all of you. Best of luck!

@bluemoon101 I think you will find there is a miniature army on here who will tell you that their children are ultimately happy/happier with parents apart who are happy that way than parents together who are miserable but not abusive. So i don't think it's fair for you to say the children's happiness will plummet. Besides, that's not the case here, there has been abuse and I sincerely hope the OP finds her happiness as that counts too.

@whereisthelaughter

I do agree, but when the kids are small (less than 10) they want their parents together and if they split up they want them back together. When they grow up and understand then maybe it’s easier. The few people I know who have split, invariably one of the kids won’t go with their dad for his weekends so they have weekends apart from their siblings too. Not to mention their activities are spoilt as their one present partner can’t be at 2 sports matches etc. at once. Holidays become very challenging with 2 small children. The list’s endless.

I guess it depends how miserable you are - when I was I think of the kids, make myself happy, an attractive person to be around and things pick up

I do all the kids activities anyway, because he won't. Lots of my friends have divorced parents. They are fine and we're happier with split parents than miserable parents living together.

I think if you were able to cheer yourself up so easily you probably weren't that unhappy. As it happens my dd won't get easier as she gets older as she has ASD, in many ways she's much more challenging ow than when she was a toddler. Dc are 7 and 10, this should be the dream age but it ist.

Anyway, this morning he said he would kill himself if I leave. Which doesn't help at all.

Yes, suicide threats are very challenging to deal with for sure. I don’t mean to go on, but why are you so unhappy? What is it that he does to be abusive? Would the kids be upset if you split? Will your life, with less money, support really be better? Will your kids lives get better? There are so many things - I guess I am just saying, try and then try again and again. Are your expectations of marriage realistic? Does love not fade anyway. Sorry to hear of your daughters ASD - that must make a relationship hard too. Hang in there - stop obsessing about leaving him and see what happens. Knowing you may leave any day must be hugely stressful for DH too and won’t be bringing out his best side. Resolve to do all you can for 6 months, tell him, and then if you do split hopefully it will be amicable....

@Aminuts23

Do you have kids?

@Whereisthelaughter

I think you’re making a commendable choice. I am sure you’ll reap the benefits. Spark - or life long companionship. I am convinced Instagram living is unrealistic. I was out with a bunch of mums yesterday all moaning about DH....all confused about whether they were getting enough from life....all sticking with it!

@Bluemoon101 no I don’t which admittedly made things easier. I still felt cruel and awful but absolutely the best thing I ever ever did. I still feel relief 5 years on

Just go, OP, you've tried.

For being open and honest about the relationship, you are far from being 'the bad guy' OP.

To say that to you is emotional abuse. Please leave him.

If he directly threatens suicide call 999 and ask for the police.

@Bluemoon101-a selection of the things he has done over a decade...
Blamed me for anything that has gone wrong, including having a baby. Blamed me for my own ill health after dc was born and I was admitted to a psychiatric unite, because it was me that wanted a second child.

Berated me needlessly calling me stupid, idiot, etc for being in a minor car accident. Anything broken in the house is my fault, again berated, shouted at, blamed.

Coerced into sex over and over, when I have clearly said I don't want it. Becoming aggressive and nasty when I asked for foreplay and told me I tasted disgusting and he wouldn't be putting that effort in.

Wouldn't allow me my own bank account, and scrutinised joint account and had a go at me for spending any money, or why.

Called me an alcoholic for drinking two drinks. Making it very difficult for me to see friends or go away for work.

Won't go on holiday or away anywhere. If he does he makes everyone else miserable with his complaining and mood.

That enough?

I think my expectations are fine. Plenty of friends have relationships where they annoy each other sometimes, or rough patches. The whole of my marriage has been like this.

And I did try. I've been trying, with counselling and date nights for 12 months.

@Bluemoon101 your posts are so patronizing. Do you really think the op and other posters here are that thick, that they haven't thought through the lifestyle impact of a divorce...

also, glossing over suicide threats as "challenging"? What the actual fuck is wrong with you? In what universe should a person search her soul for a reason to end things, when shes married to someone who is that fucking controlling? Do you propose a mother ought to raise her kids in an environment where she is dealing with suicide threats to control her behavior??

Please go away and get a basic education on how human relationships ought to progress... and for fucks sake NEVER counsel your friends on their marriages

@BreathlessCommotion your partner is a rapist. Leave him. Be happy. I'm sorry this happened to you. Xx