How do you cope with being the bad guy- ending it when they don't want it to end

[BreathlessCommotion]

Married 11 years, lots of issues. I've tried for a year, been to counselling. But it's not enough, I know I want to end it. But he really doesn't. He says he loves me, he'd do anything.

I feel awful. I have form for placating and carrying on with things so as not to upset others, or have them dislike me. I'm really trying.

I know that when I think of life separate from him I feel relief. But I'm finding it so hard to just say that's it, it's over.

OP I actually think any of my friends reading your posts might think you are me!

Everything so similar and exactly where I currently find myself right now. I mentioned divorce seriously for the first ever time last week and it shook him to the core. Not enough to change his behaviour over the last week though.

I feel like I'm walking a tightrope every day, keeping everything going for my beautiful kids (same ages as yours) but spending every night literally imagining life without him. Imagining the freedom, making my own choices, being in control of my own money.

I can't tell you the comfort of knowing I am not alone. I will follow this thread and BBC here you on silently until I find the strength to take my own step off the tightrope!

@BreathlessCommotion

Sounds horrendous - run, fast!

I think a lot of this ‘stick it out’ depends on what kind of a relationship you have , it’s all very well finding it easier if you have lots of friends or they work away/go out a fair bit and have hobbies etc. If your partner isn’t like that or you don’t easily have the ability to very much have your own life, then it’s heck of an amount of time you have to ‘be with’ someone you don’t really love enough

@BreathlessCommotion

Please leave his behaviour towards you is vile

His argument is that he's apologised and has changed. Things are better since a year ago. But not enough. And every so often the mask slips a bit and the abuse comes back.

That is his opinion. You are entitled to yours.

"I agree you have changed and your attitude/behaviour is better than before but it is has not changed enough for me to want to stay"

Anyway, this morning he said he would kill himself if I leave

FFS. This shit really pisses me off. As if he hasn't already done enough to you, now he's adding the very worst kind of emotional blackmail.

Frankly, it doesn't matter if he's turned into a genuine bloody angel- it still doesn't make up for all the shit.

Forget about worrying about his feelings. He doesn't worry about yours. Get rid of him and start living a life free of his crap.

When he says 'I'll kill my self if you leave me' you say back to him 'i will kill myself if I stay with you' see how much he cares about you then, I'm sure he will still put himself first.
OP, get your plan together, do not leave your kids with him, stay strong, you can do this and you aren't alone.

You have been trained by him to pander to his every whim and to ignore your own needs. Talking to him about your plans and your feelings is not helpful to you.

The love is lost. Tbh, the house must have bad memories. You know you need to leave.

Grey rock him. Get a rental. Take a day off work and move out in secret with the children. Tell him nothing until it is done.

If he threatens suicide again call the police. You need it on record. If he's serious he needs proper help and should not be near the children. If he's dicking with you then the police will tell him what's what.

We only have one car, and I've realised this evening that he is the registered keeper. I rely solely on the car to get to work (he doesn't need it) and if I move out will probably need it to take dc to school as very few rental properties near enough.

Are there any consequences if I take the car?

It forms part of the marital assets like the home if it's owned or any savings...

Take it with you, if he reported stolen you just explain you are married and you have always had main use of it and is a marital asset.

@turnedabout oh how you described my situation to a T. I’ve been through exactly the same rubbish too but am just beginning to start shining again. God it feels great.
Op, just be honest. Try not to focus on how he will feel. Surely you wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who felt they didn’t want to be with you. Of course he may be hurt or upset, but he’s had a chance with you and it’s not been right for you. It’s probably not been right for him either and in time he will realise that.
Good luck

I'm exactly here... But he's a good man. No abuse, just benign neglect through two pregnancies and babies, plus depression... He apparently just didn't know how to do all the stuff I did so left it to me. Couldn't support me emotionally. Drank a little too much, so do I. Because I don't want to spend time with him.
So resentment, feeling like I had a 3rd child, it's all built up over years..
I'm finally doing it. I know I'll have regrets, I'll miss our life, our social life together, our home.. But I won't really miss our relationship or him. Just the benefits of it.
But although I'm one of those women who should just suck it up and remember my vows, I'm also miserable, on antidepressants and living my life through my children and friends because I'm indifferent to my husband. I'm passive aggressive, I pick fault, I'm not who I want to be. He deserves better, my children deserve to see affection and love between the adults in their lives.
I might end up alone. But better that than them seeing me slowly being eaten away at because I don't love him properly, don't want to have sex, touch him, cuddle him..
Better that then them thinking it's OK for a woman's feelings to be pushed aside because everyone else's are more important.
I am shit scared, but it's the right thing to do. I know loads of families where it works, they're still a family, just apart. I think mine could get angry, aggressive, nasty even. But I hope eventually once the hurt has subsided he will be the essentially good man he is and want what's best for the children, him seeing them as much as possible, spending time at the house if he wants, big occasions with both of us there, I've seen it work.

Ignore Bluemoon. She's talking crap. Just because she forced herself to be happy (clearly couldn't have been that unhappy or she's deluding herself now) doesn't mean others will. I do not believe staying together for children is ever the better option. They always know when things aren't right.

I'm so much happier now I'm divorced from a non abusive man and DCs seems more chilled out. The atmosphere at home is just much better which is a good thing for them. Plus I'm modelling a far more positive relationship to them now than the brother/sister style relationship they witnessed before.

As a ‘child’ of parents who stayed together ‘for the children’, please go. My siblings and I had an awful childhood. Always waiting for the next row or sulk, and that could be daily. At 7/8 you become aware of the tension. At 9/10 you become aware that this isn’t the norm when you talk to friends and have sleepovers or watch other families. By 15 you pretty much hate both your parents for being so spineless. By 17 I’d opted out of higher education so that I could leave home and not witness the fallout. The abuse I then suffered from men because that was all I thought I was worth. All because my mother didn’t have the strength to walk away.

Now she’s a bitter old lady and I dread visiting the pair of them because the bitterness is there in its shining glory, exposed and raw because she’s stopped trying to hide it. If anything it’s made more sympathetic towards my father and he was the perpetrator.

You must leave - if not for you, then do it for your children.

Today we've actually had a nice day as a family. Which has made me question myself again.

Have you read "Too good to leave, too bad to stay"?

Thing is you are being super grateful for the little crumbs of normality he throws your way. Nearly every day should be nice/good.

Thanks. I've just ordered it on kindle.