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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have done something unforgivable

118 replies

Sweetprimrose1 · 09/03/2020 08:41

Name changed due to the nature of this post. Me and DP are having a baby. I’m very happy about this, but it’s bought up a load of stuff from the past for me that’s making me feel totally sick. We met at unibersity and during the first few months of our relationship I slept with a couple of other people whilst completely wasted on nights out. I’m 28 now and he’s 29 and have never done anything like it since, nor have I ever wanted to. However I am having these flashbacks. How can I be a good mother and partner when I am harbouring secrets like this? I feel as though I am meant to be one thing but am secretly a dirty cheat. I keep bursting into tears and realise it may be due partly to hormones but I think objectively this is also completely a shit situation. I cannot bear this level of anxiety that this is causing me. Please can someone help as I can’t tell anyone in real life - please be kind, though I know what I hVe done is so so wrong

OP posts:

TigerDater · 09/03/2020 08:45

It was ages ago OP, when you were young and drunk. Forgive yourself. But I don’t recommend telling DP. Find someone you can talk to about your feelings, a counsellor ideally. They will help you to forgive yourself.

Lozzerbmc · 09/03/2020 08:51

Totally agree with Tiger above. Whats done is done - you were young. Talk to a counsellor to get it out of your system and forgive yourself.

Then move on enjoy planning for your future arrival. Good luck

YRGAM · 09/03/2020 08:51

Telling him will relieve your own guilt and do nothing to help the situation. The internal guilt is the price you have to pay to keep your relationship.

This doesn't apply if there is a chance he could find out from another source.

ToBreatheAgain · 09/03/2020 08:52

Id see a counsellor about the flash backs. And as per PP not tell your dp. If you were my partner I wouldn't want to know. If it hadn't happened early on and so far in the past I'd say differently, but if my DH had done what you'd done years ago at uni I wouldn't want to know.

Darlingsleepthief · 09/03/2020 08:53

Don’t tell him! It’s in the past, forget about it!

ThisSistineWontScreamAtItself · 09/03/2020 08:56

Telling him will relieve your own guilt and do nothing to help the situation. The internal guilt is the price you have to pay to keep your relationship.

This. Telling him would be selfish, you'd be doing it to stop feeling guilty when it would make him feel shit. It sounds like it was right at the start and years ago. Deep breath, onwards and upwards, enjoy being together and a strong couple now

WaitrosesCheapestVodka · 09/03/2020 09:02

I think you're really catastrophising. It's not an unforgiveable thing, but like others I don't think telling DP would be helpful.

Counselling might be a good idea. Mindfulness might also help in letting those thoughts go and to focus on enjoying your pregnancy. The headspace app is great.

n00bMaster69 · 09/03/2020 09:02

I wouldn't tell him at the moment but probably would eventually, in a couple of years when you've had time to talk this over with a counsellor.
I say that because I don't think this is a secret you'll be able to keep for ever, it most likely will come out at some point.

BendyLikeBeckham · 09/03/2020 09:10

Ach, that's nothing OP. Seriously just put it behind you. Everyone was young and reckless once. It doesn't even sound bad at all for your age. Like PP have said, forgive yourself and let it go.

Congrats on your pregnancy btw. You'll make a great mum because you care about being a great mum. We all have wobbles about this (like every day!) it is normal.

Zaphodsotherhead · 09/03/2020 09:14

Ten years ago you were a different person. You've learned, changed, grown up from that person now. What you are doing is a bit like me being held to account for stuff I did when I was fifteen....

It's not who you are now. Who you are now is a responsible person who will make a good mother. You were a child who made mistakes, now you're an adult who takes responsibility. Don't tell your DP, maybe get some counselling for the flashbacks, but cast off that 'old' you and step into your lovely new future!

crustycrab · 09/03/2020 09:15

It's nothing. Forget it, and don't tell him, nothing good will come of that.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 09/03/2020 09:15

I agree with waitroses you are catastrophising - magnifying something and blowing it out of proportion. You were young and did something a little bit silly (didn't we all!) But that doesn't make you bad, it makes you a human being.

I totally agree with the consensus on here that you should not tell your husband, that way disaster lies. If you really cannot come to terms with a couple of ONS from years ago see a counsellor and talk it through.
You will be a great mother and I'm sure you're a great wife.

BlingLoving · 09/03/2020 09:16

I have pretty strong feelings on infidelity but honestly, this really is not the same as having an affair now or even flirting inappropriately in a bar. You were at university, it was early days of your relationship and I assume it wasn't particularly serious at the time? You look back and are applying the thoughts and feelings you have for him now to that time, but that's not where you were then. Even university relationships that are serious have a different feel to them than serious relationships after university and you're being unfair to yourself and him by agonising over this when it was a different time and a different relationship.

Theres a reason that pretty much every university relationship that turned into a long term relationship that I know takes a long time to move to the steps of marriage and children (yes, I know this is not 100% of time, but it IS true of the ones I know) - it's because you have to grow up together and get to a different place.

Let it go. And if you can't, seek counselling. Good luck with your pregnancy!

PelicanPie · 09/03/2020 09:16

Forgive yourself. We all do silly things when we are young. Focus on your life now and enjoy all the good things you have. Don't waste time beating yourself up, and find a good counsellor.

eggofmantumbi · 09/03/2020 09:17

I met my DH at university almost 20 years ago. I would not want him to tell me if he'd done similar. If rather just not know now as, like other posters have said, you were (both) a different person then.
I think advice to see a counselor is really sound.

LoveBlackpool · 09/03/2020 09:19

The fact that you are dwelling on this means you are likely to be a very good mother and partner. You care and you are sorry. You have not done something 'so so wrong' , you made mistakes at a time in your life when you were very young and just experiencing freedom. You have learned from this and now need to forgive yourself and try to move past this, If you can't then I agree with pp and suggest speaking to a counsellor. What would you say to a friend in the same position. Can you show the same kindness to yourself? Pregnancy hormones play havoc remember

Icecreamdiva · 09/03/2020 09:20

You are looking at the worst thing you have ever done and judging yourself by that one thing. That makes absolutely no sense but being told that that is no help to you. I think PPs are absolutely right - seeing a counsellor could be very beneficial and telling your partner would be unkind, pointless and potentially very harmful to you, him and your DC.

TowelStripes · 09/03/2020 09:22

I went through exactly(exactly!) this when I was buying a house with my partner. I had suidical thoughts because of it.

In the end, I did tell him. I went to CBT therapy for the catastrophising and they diagnosed me with having OCD (not obsessively cleaning but unable to stop thinking negative thoughts essentially).

He understood it was ages ago and could keep it perspective. He has never bought it up in a row or anything.

However, once I told him that, I focused on other things to catastrophise so did need more CBT to deal with the issue itself. It didn't just go when I was honest with him.

cheeseandpineapple · 09/03/2020 09:31

Are you the first and only person your partner has slept with and does he think you’ve only ever had a physical relationship with him?

If not I’d leave it, it was when you were very young, at university, early stages of a relationship when it might not always be clear cut if you’re “exclusive”. And you don’t know if it was the same for him.

If he thinks you and he have only ever been with each other, it’s slightly different and my advice might be different, not sure, would need to know more about the context.

RiddleyW · 09/03/2020 09:33

I met my DH when he was 18 and I was 19 (over 20 years ago now). I definitely wouldn't want a confession like this!

LizzieSiddal · 09/03/2020 09:35

I met my dh when I was 22. We’ve been together 30 years now. I would not want to know if he’d shagged a few other women in the first few months of our relationship.

Stop being so hard on yourself, follow the advice from others on this thread - telling him will do no good at all.x

ginghamtablecloths · 09/03/2020 09:36

Anyone who's lived a life will have made mistakes - this was at the start of your relationship so you weren't exclusive to each other then. Don't beat yourself up about this - no-one is perfect and we all have secrets, I'll bet DH has some too so please put it behind you - there'll be plenty more challenges in life before you're done.

And keep it to yourself - there is nothing to gain from sharing this. It is a small burden and you have the strength to deal with it and throw it away.

smiften · 09/03/2020 09:36

You barely knew him then, it's completely irrelevant now.

Forgive your younger self, let it go. I'm pretty sure he would prefer not knowing.

gingersausage · 09/03/2020 09:38

Im not a great one for blaming things on hormones because I think it reduces women to silly little things who can’t possibly be in control, but I think in this case it’s definitely your pregnancy that’s causing you to have these feelings.

You want a “clean slate” for your baby, but it’s a really bad idea to dump all this on your partner for no reason other than to somehow absolve yourself. Some things are very much best left alone, and this is one of them. You need to stop with the unforgivable train of thought, you haven’t murdered someone or anything.

Telling him now would probably hurt him, and for what? Something that meant absolutely nothing and you are never going to repeat. Had you even decided to be exclusive? You were what, 18 or 19?

Ante-natal anxiety and depression is a real thing that isn’t talked about enough. If you think that you might be headed that way, then please speak to your midwife or GP about it. Don’t suffer in silence.

frumpety · 09/03/2020 09:38

How often did this bother you before you became pregnant OP ?

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