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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have done something unforgivable

118 replies

Sweetprimrose1 · 09/03/2020 08:41

Name changed due to the nature of this post. Me and DP are having a baby. I’m very happy about this, but it’s bought up a load of stuff from the past for me that’s making me feel totally sick. We met at unibersity and during the first few months of our relationship I slept with a couple of other people whilst completely wasted on nights out. I’m 28 now and he’s 29 and have never done anything like it since, nor have I ever wanted to. However I am having these flashbacks. How can I be a good mother and partner when I am harbouring secrets like this? I feel as though I am meant to be one thing but am secretly a dirty cheat. I keep bursting into tears and realise it may be due partly to hormones but I think objectively this is also completely a shit situation. I cannot bear this level of anxiety that this is causing me. Please can someone help as I can’t tell anyone in real life - please be kind, though I know what I hVe done is so so wrong

OP posts:

Genevieva · 09/03/2020 12:35

Dating isn't black and white. You were young. You didn't know you were going to end up with him forever. You were just exploring the freedoms of adulthood and learning about who you were and what you wanted to be. You made your choice - the life you have with your now husband. This is a life you have built together and you deserve it every bit as much as he does. And your baby deserves to have happy settled parents. Stop punishing yourself and stop directing the past. Enjoy your pregnancy and enjoy your husband's company. If it ever wells up, give them an extra kiss or hug and smile at the wonder of it all.

Genevieva · 09/03/2020 12:36

dissecting not directing

mamato3lads · 09/03/2020 12:38

It's just the pregnancy doing this to you.

Did it to me too.

You want everything to be perfect and you start to analyse your past mistakes.

Dont. It was in the past, at university. You shouldn't have done it but you did and there is no point telling him now. Learn from it, it sounds like you already have. If you tell him you wont get a clean slate, you'll invite in a bloody nightmare. X

Sprigware · 09/03/2020 12:44

I’ve been with my husband since we were students too. I didn’t shag around on him, but I could easily have, when we were very new together, not yet serious, and spending half our time getting drunk, and recovering from a devoutly Catholic schooling. It was pure chance I didn’t. It’s also possible he did. I’ve never asked, but I wouldn’t be that bothered either way.

I think you’re looking back on this with the hindsight of age, commitment and pregnancy and treating it as though you’d been unfaithful now. Talk through your catastrophising with a counsellor, and try to put it in its place as a long past minor detail.

AtomicRabbit · 09/03/2020 12:44

Hormones. It's never bothered you until now.

Get some CBT help as others have said and realise that this will pass.

It won't change anything at all to tell him. You'll still feel guilty.

Try not to let it worry you. Perhaps he did the same thing. Would it change your feelings for him if he had? You'd still love him.

The early part of a relationship is not the same as where you are now. It was a long time ago before you truly valued you him. Don't beat yourself up anymore. it's pointless.

Good luck with your new baby and just let it all pass you by. x

DameSylvieKrin · 09/03/2020 12:45

If you were so drunk, could you consent? Is that why you are having flashbacks?

listsandbudgets · 09/03/2020 12:54

Forget it. It was ages ago and what you do when your 18 or 19 is not a precursor of what you do for the rest of your life.

Look at it this way. You explored options and everytime you came back to the strong realisation there is no better option for you than your dp. You're not wondering what if I'd spent the night with Fred or Micheal because you know... and they weren't for you. A lot of people that age and a bit older get involved with several people before they settle down and it just makes them more certain about their choice.

You did nothing wrong, you just cemented your certainty about your dp.

I hope all goes well with your pregnancy

AntiSocialInjusticePacifist · 09/03/2020 12:56

A very fair point @DameSylvieKrin I hadn't considered that.

palomasky · 09/03/2020 12:57

I think sometimes when we are so young many of us find ourselves in very dodgy situations where conset was a bit of a grey area. I was single at the time but I ended up in situations where I ended up just agreeing to sleep with a guy because I was scared of what the alternative was or was too drunk to really understand what was going on. I'm not sure I'd call any of them rape but they weren't nice at all. Being young is much harder and more difficult to navigate than we understand, especially as we go through it.

Midlifeargh · 09/03/2020 13:03

I’m going to agree with the majority - don’t tell him but do have counselling about it. Really do - it will torture you if you don’t.

I have also been with my partner since I was young. I would NOT want to hear something like this about when we were (essentially) kids! It would break my heart and ruin my memories. I would honestly much rather not know.

I completely trust him, by the way, and we’ve been together a very, very long time!

Speak to a therapist but don’t worry - you we’re very young and you’ve changed.

allthiswasunseen · 09/03/2020 13:05

It's hormones. Mine sent me crazy. In all my pregnancies. I had thoughts and anxieties that seemed rationale at the time, but once the hormones settled down, I could see were utterly batshit.

You'll be okay. Just ride it out. Sanity will return

AntiSocialInjusticePacifist · 09/03/2020 13:06

Also you haven't done anything "unforgivable". People forgive this sorta thing everyday...

Woollycardi · 09/03/2020 13:09

It's not hormones, it's your conscience asking you to make a decision about this going forward. You feel extreme guilt about it so you need to find a way to sit with that before deciding if you need to speak about it with your partner. Go and speak with a therapist if you can't work through this on your own (that's not a judgement, it's a big thing, and you are right to be concerned about it). We're all human and we've all done things we struggle to live with though, so don't worry on that score, but please do find a way to work through this and out the other side or it will keep coming back.

Sprigware · 09/03/2020 13:14

I don't see anything to indicate that it will 'keep coming back'. The OP has only started to fixate on this since she's been pregnant, which, in my experience, is a big time for very vivid flashbacks (to a deeply unpleasant experience in my case). It's perfectly possible it won't recur to this extent again.

I mean, I agree that it would be good for the OP to talk it through with a neutral person, but I don't think it's necessarily a matter of her having to do so or her Terrible Secret Will Burden Her Forever or anything. That's catastrophising thinking, just like the OP's.

DingleberryRose · 09/03/2020 13:29

@Sweetprimrose1 forgive yourself and move on. It’s really not a big deal. It was super early on in your relationship and you’ve proved since you’re a loving, faithful partner.

None of us are who we were at University. I was a party girl with a binge drinking problem who loved rare steak and God! I’m now a vegan atheist who doesn’t drink! Leave it in the past, where it belongs. It’s ancient history!

Concentrate on looking forward to your bouncing baby!

feelingfree17 · 09/03/2020 13:29

Forgive your younger self and look forwards, not back. Telling him would serve no purpose and you don’t want these precious months full of upset caused by your young mistake. You sound like a lovely kind, caring person, and am sure you will be a great mummy - concentrate on that. These are the most precious years

Jux · 09/03/2020 13:34

This is pregnancy, honestly. It does horrible things to your brain and makes you emotional and lose all perspective. FWIW, your behaviour in your past was not unforgiveable at al,, and your dh knows that without the experiences you had you would be a different person - not a better one, a different one, one he may not have wanted to be with, one who may not have wanted to be with him!

So, actually, you're both very very lucky that you did what you did.

PatchworkMonkey · 09/03/2020 13:42

Oh God I was a COMPLETE mess at uni. I shouldn't have gone when I did to be honest. I got pregnant whilst on the pill because I was drinking heavily and throwing up and obviously I wasn't protecting myself properly. I kept the baby, and me & the dad had another son and were a happy family for a while until he left us.

I had to leave uni due to a horrendous pregnancy, sickness, pain, preeclamsia, so I never got qualified and now I'm on benefits with two small boys as EX decided he'd had enough of the dad thing. I've had to forgive myself for a lot. A lovely woman at the University open day I went to (one of the top ones) told me that she was also a single mum on benefits for a year until she went back and got her qualifications. She has a masters now, works in child protection, and is head of her department. She really inspired me.

I'm going to college this September doing an access and uni after. I feel more ready for it now. All you can do is make up for past mistakes.

You can make up for yours by being a good partner now. Good luck with the pregnancy, your mind does tend to play tricks on you!

Firelink · 09/03/2020 14:00

Whew this thread lifted a lot of guilt for me as I can now forget about the several affairs I had five years ago. Thanks guys!

SudokuQueen · 09/03/2020 14:09

Had this been a man the comments would be a lot different. Whether its historic or not you need to disclose it.

What I was thinking basically. If a man came on here, said he had cheated on his pregnant partner years ago at uni and should he tell her, I'd bet most would say tell her and be abusive towards him.

Mordred · 09/03/2020 14:10

"Had this been a man the comments would be a lot different"

I don't think they would.

RantyAnty · 09/03/2020 14:11

OP give yourself a break. The only reason you're feel so bad and guilty is because you are letting yourself feel that way.
You're almost punishing yourself.

Of course don't say a word. Reframe the incident in your mind until it doesn't bother you anymore.
Just remember it with a laugh how you were having a shagadelic time in college. Put there with the other silly stuff you and your friends got up to back then and remember it that way with a laugh.

I'm an old lady now and how ridiculous would it be for me to feel ashamed of my extra fun times 40 years ago?
Just let it go. Enjoy your DH and your pregnancy and life. One day you can embarrass the grandkids with your silly stories from the past. :)

n00bMaster69 · 09/03/2020 14:15

One day you can embarrass the grandkids with your silly stories from the past. :)

What, with stories of how she shagged around when dating their grandad?

Original poster

Sweetprimrose1 · 09/03/2020 14:19

Thank you all so much for responding. The two boys in question both made my skin crawl. Wouldn’t say rape but more a case of not knowing how to say no/going along with things at that age, as another poster said. What makes me also feel a little better also is that I discovered DP messaging women on Tinder a few years ago, asking to meet up. I never confronted him but I don’t think he’s ever done it since. I love him and trust him and will tell myself that if he knew my ‘secret’ he would similarly forgive me (though I know tinder is different to actually having sex with someone). I want to go back and shake my younger self. I wish I’d been educated more about consent and insidious predatory behaviour that some people can engage in. Thanks again everyone it has been helpful not to have been completely shut down on here. If I have a daughter I will see this as a lesson I’ve had to go through so as to be able to better teach her about life.

OP posts:

LukeSkywalkingOnTheseHaters · 09/03/2020 14:19

I feel like if this was gender reversed we'd be telling male OP how awful he is and to tell his wife?

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