I have done something unforgivable

[Sweetprimrose1]

Name changed due to the nature of this post. Me and DP are having a baby. I’m very happy about this, but it’s bought up a load of stuff from the past for me that’s making me feel totally sick. We met at unibersity and during the first few months of our relationship I slept with a couple of other people whilst completely wasted on nights out. I’m 28 now and he’s 29 and have never done anything like it since, nor have I ever wanted to. However I am having these flashbacks. How can I be a good mother and partner when I am harbouring secrets like this? I feel as though I am meant to be one thing but am secretly a dirty cheat. I keep bursting into tears and realise it may be due partly to hormones but I think objectively this is also completely a shit situation. I cannot bear this level of anxiety that this is causing me. Please can someone help as I can’t tell anyone in real life - please be kind, though I know what I hVe done is so so wrong

You found your OH propositioning women on Tinder while you were in a supposedly committed relationship and you're worried about something you did almost 20 years ago when you had just started, and that wasn't even really consensual?

I wouldn't be so sure he's never done it since, or something else. And not sure I'd go on to have a baby with him.

Are you sure it's not the Tinder giving you anxiety...it would me. Sorry.

OP, that is a massive drip feed.

How do you know your DP didn't meet those women? Why didnt you confront him about it? He has faced no consequences of those actions, so why wouldn't he continue?

Your 'secret' is nothing. His is a massive, recent betrayal. I think you are feeling guilt and shame and it is stopping you from dealing with huge issues in your relationship because you are comparing your conduct with his. And I suspect you also don't feel you deserve faithfulness from him?

You seriously need some counselling about these issues. And you've got to stop sweeping his indiscretions under the carpet.

Not sure I believe any of this anymore...

Can't you see the difference in the two? I'm far more concerned about the tinder propositioning!

Not believing this either.

Even if it is real, you've no proof that he met those women. You were still in a committed relationship when you did sleep with other people. How is what he did worse?

Neither are good. Both are shit. But his is definitely not worse, sorry. If you're going to try and compare, best you can say is they are equally bad partners.

If it's real, maybe you are better off coming clean. Tell him what you know he did and tell him what you did. Both on a clean slate then, start the relationship again from that and move on. Best you can do. That or keep feeling guilty forever and wondering if he's cheating. That sounds like a brilliant relationship. Or final option, split up.

@sudokoqueen I didn’t say it was worse at all only that it alleviated my guilt somewhat. I don’t know why people are saying I’ve made this up, I feel like a vicious mumsnet tirade is coming my way. Feel very anxious I’ve asked for this to be deleted

Hi OP, you haven’t done anything terrible, not remotely unforgivable.

Don’t tell your partner, the past is past. Focus on your future. I’m sure the hormones are playing a part in this, so be kind to yourself .

This is weird.

Why do you trust your husband? He downloaded tinder and tried to meet other women... and you've never confronted him?

I think you have far more to worry about than what you did at the beginning of your relationship tbh....and maybe this is your minds way of coping with it. Putting it on yourself rather than him.

Bless you OP, I really hope you can find someone to talk to in real life about forgiving your own youthful indiscretion and fully understanding your approach to your DP’s more recent and deliberate betrayal, so you can prepare properly for your lovely baby 💐

Why do you trust your husband?

In the same context, why should he trust her? Shes slept with multiple people.

I think a clean slate from both sides now is the only way forward. Not discussing it will never work. Both need to come clean.

Thanks all for input, Mumsnet please could you delete this now as I’d rather it not be up?

That was a long time ago and you are a different person now. That said if the tables were turned would you want to know and what would you do if you did know?? What will he do if he finds out and what would the consequences of that be?? When I confessed to my husband he said he wasn't bothered but then confessed himself about various one night stands. I couldn't really complain but I was furious and we rowed for years until we went to counselling.
Be careful what you wish for with this one.

Op I know you want this deleted and Mumsnet will soon I’m sure.

But if you are still reading - please don’t feel bad for what happened when you were younger. We weren’t so “woken up” to predatory men 10 years ago and I know I put up with hideous things that wouldn’t be acceptable now.

I’m not surprised you’re having flashbacks as it sounds like it was pretty awful.

I hope you get some real life support from a counsellor. I have had the odd bit of therapy before, it really helps to have someone to talk it out with.

Good luck with your baby. I hope your anxiety passes quickly.

People on MN ...

PLEASE be more attuned to genuine distress.

FFS. When someone is presenting with real anxiety IT IS NOT THE TIME to start getting uppity about 'him on Tinder' and 'drip feeding'. That is what people do when they start feeling safer - they provide more information to explore the dilemma.

You have to be a 'safe space' for someone to be able to do this. Please be more sensitive.

@Sweetprimrose1, don't worry. Its fine. You are so right about 'going along with it' and (paradoxically) not wanting to upset the other person. Its 2020 and what men want is still more important!
I was in a similar position at uni. Luckily he couldn't penetrate (I was frozen and passive) and I got out of it by sucking his dick.

Stupid ignorant entitled boy. I am fine about it now. Its life lessons, innit.
I would also say, understand that your partner was young and stupid too.

But I would, in a calm and quiet moment, have a conversation about cheating, what it would mean to you, what your expectations are and what your boundaries are. I just assumed that 'he knew' but we never had the conversation.

Please talk to your midwife. Where are your family, do you have anyone around to support you?

Please talk to us , Primrose - its fine, we are here.

You were taken advantage of, you had nothing to feel guilty about.

You need to stop worrying about what happened in University days and concentrate on real life. You really need therapy as you’re all over the place and thinking worrying about silly things and ignoring proper issues like your husband on tinder. That’s not ok. You’re obviously avoidant (google it) and you need help now before you decide to continue with this pregnancy. Your husband is meeting other women andcheating. You don’t know he isn’t still on tinder. You’re worrying about Uni days stuff?!? That’s nuts. You have to see that. Get help today. Good luck OP but you really need to look at your husbands behaviour and get this sorted

ScreamingLadySutch Mon 09-Mar-20 17:11:32
People on MN ...

PLEASE be more attuned to genuine distress.

FFS. When someone is presenting with real anxiety IT IS NOT THE TIME to start getting uppity about 'him on Tinder' and 'drip feeding'. That is what people do when they start feeling safer - they provide more information to explore the dilemma.

You have to be a 'safe space' for someone to be able to do this. Please be more sensitive.
.......
Very well said!