I have done something unforgivable

[Sweetprimrose1]

Name changed due to the nature of this post. Me and DP are having a baby. I’m very happy about this, but it’s bought up a load of stuff from the past for me that’s making me feel totally sick. We met at unibersity and during the first few months of our relationship I slept with a couple of other people whilst completely wasted on nights out. I’m 28 now and he’s 29 and have never done anything like it since, nor have I ever wanted to. However I am having these flashbacks. How can I be a good mother and partner when I am harbouring secrets like this? I feel as though I am meant to be one thing but am secretly a dirty cheat. I keep bursting into tears and realise it may be due partly to hormones but I think objectively this is also completely a shit situation. I cannot bear this level of anxiety that this is causing me. Please can someone help as I can’t tell anyone in real life - please be kind, though I know what I hVe done is so so wrong

@Sweetprimrose1

It MUST be the baby hormones because you MUST NOT tell him.

Sorry to sound harsh, but you don't get to unburden your 'guilt' onto your husband/the father of your baby, just so you can feel better. Why should HE suffer and know you shagged someone else at the start of your relationship?

Very unfair and wrong. You need to keep this to yourself. What you did 10 years ago doesn't matter now. Move on and stop dwelling on it. We have ALL done things we regret, but we don't tell the people we did it against, because it could destroy the relationship.

Congratulations on your baby by the way.

It was at uni at the very beginning of your relationship, I don’t condone cheating generally but I think we’ve all done silly things at uni at some point or another, it just happens that you married the boyfriend you cheated on. I met my husband at uni too and have asked him in passing (15 years on!) if he cheated when we went out at uni, he said no and that was that. I’m not paranoid or anything we are very happily married with 2 small children, but I think at uni moral standards are probably lowered somewhat. If he’d said yes I wouldn’t have divorced him or even fallen out, probably just been curious who with!! We sort of look upon uni as a different time completely compared to where we are now, I sometimes say it’s almost like uni days we were like 2 completely different people, we’ve both grown up thankfully.

In short I wouldn’t say anything and I wouldn’t let it ruin things now, there’s really no need.

There are some things that should only be shared with a therapist.

This is one of them.

It’s the baby hormones. Try to stop worrying. To tell him now would be unfair as you are now pregnant. He’s not going to want to walk away from that. The time to tell him was when it happened. No one benefits from knowing now.

Remind yourself that absolutely everyone - everyone has made mistakes in their life and done things that they are deeply ashamed of. The only thing that should concern you now is whether you would do it in your current circumstances. Sounds like you wouldn't. The person you have matured into is sober, loyal and has a strong moral compass. So just enjoy being pregnant and preparing for your life as a family. Anyone who learns from her mistakes is a good human being.

OP please don't tell him. It was a long time ago, in the early days of your relationship, you haven't done it since. You weren't to know the relationship was going to become serious. Telling him is likely to destroy your relationship. Forgive yourself. Congratulations on the baby

Crikey I thought you'd committed a crime or insulted someone's granny or something!

Tie a balloon to it and let it go OP - you weren't married, you were very young and who knew how your relationship with your partner would go? You couldn't have known it'd last this long and you'd be starting a family a decade later. Christ when I was at university I definitely overlapped a few boyfriends, life moves so quickly in that environment.

It's the hormones. Forget about it. If it makes you feel better promise God or the universe that you are really sorry and you'll honestly try to be a better person (I do this even though I'm technically an atheist ) and then get on with enjoying the excitement of your new pregnancy! Being pregnant and a mother will bring all sorts of challenges and a useful mantra is "pick your battles" - start now. This isn't a battle worthy of an ounce of energy.

The person who never made a mistake never made anything.

You would not do it again, you clearly regret it, and you are currently building your future family and life together.
Please try not to confess - you will then feel guilty for hurting him by telling him, and goodness only knows what it will do to your relationship.
Sometimes it is kinder and better NOT to tell.
If you did confess, and you then broke up, how would you feel then? Better? Punished? Please realise you do not have to be punished for what you did by mistake. You would also be punishing your DH and your DC. You would ALL suffer by you speaking out.
Don't. Get counselling.
You have confessed to us. Your penance to put this right? Simple, be the best wife and mum you can be, while carrying this knowledge in a locked box, deep in a forgotten vault of your memory.

I hope you can begin to relax and enjoy your pregnancy soon.

Forgive yourself and move on.
I know several people who also did this,( it really is pretty common at the beginning of a relationship) . All happy with their long term partners, decades later. Nothing to be gained from confessing this now, as it has no bearing on anything in your life currently. It was many years ago, it isn’t as though you have had secret affairs while in a committed relationship.

You were young, and doing what younger people do, plus you hadn't been with your DP that long. So what's done is done, you aren't a bad person, you're totally normal. Loads of us have done similar things.
DO NOT tell him. It won;t make you feel better, it won;t make him happy that you told him, trust me. Even if he did the same, which he may well have there is a double std for men/women.
If it's causing you this much anxiety then maybe that needs addressing in general - see a counsellor?
I have done many, many thoughtless, silly things in my life, but I rarely regret them as it's the way life is but I am a GREAT bloody mum anyway and hopefully when my kids start doing daft things ( which they no doubt will) I'll have some empathy for them.
No one's perfect, be kind to yourself.

Forget it. Do not tell him. Punish yourself by being a very good and patient mother at all times!!

This is not unforgivable. It's totally forgivable.

You need to talk to someone. Get a counselor. Get it all out with them. It is not going to benefit your baby in any way to tell your DP this stuff.

Anything before ‘I love you’, doesn’t count. Were you even exclusive?

If DH had done something like this, honestly I wouldn’t want to know.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! You will find more things to worry about before too long I’m sure. Get a good nights sleep and hopefully the guilty feeling will pass.

I think we as women need to feel less guilt and learn to forgive ourselves more.
Instead we beat ourselves with big sticks and are racked with guilt.
Let this go, it was in the past, it isn't relevant to your relationship today and I can tell you as a previous confessor to things like this when I was younger it will destroy your relationship if you confess now which will directly affect your baby. If there was a time to confess (which there never is) it was before you conceived not now when you have so much at stake.
Don't think any more about it, as the others said see a councellor and confess to him/her if you need to.

Honestly, you were very young and in the beginning of your relationship. Forgive yourself. Pretty much every couple who got together at Uni were shagging around for the first few months. I’m not trying to belittle your feelings but please know what you did is not terrible. It was a long time ago. You didn’t hurt anyone.
You sound very anxious. As someone who has suffered from very severe anxiety I get it and I know it’s hard but you need help. Speak to a GP or your midwife. Therapy can really help you. It can help you cope with catastrophising. Even saying it out loud can help. I wouldn’t tell your husband - that won’t help in the long term IMO. Forgive yourself.

I said help way too many times in the last paragraph sorry 😂

Sweetprimrose, many people got wasted and slept with people when they were young - some when they were older! You've been stable and faithful to your partner for a few years now and what you did in the past is not relevant to now. Nobody died.

Please, please forgive yourself. What would you say to someone else who was troubled by past actions?

It's good that you are talking about it on here, anonymously, that may help you to draw a line under it.

Many congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope everything goes smoothly and that you and partner have a good life. Don't live in the past, it's fruitless. You were just being a young student but now you are a grown woman and that is what counts.

PS: Just want to add - nothing is unforgivable. Be kind to yourself.

Agree with everyone else - don't tell him and move on.

OP, you are being so hard on yourself.

Half of the people I know in happy marriages had skirmishes early on in their relationships with their husbands....before things got serious.

That happens when you are young.

Don't bring it up. Forgive yourself.....for nothing in my opinion.....and enjoy your pregnancy.

However, if you feel it is anxiety I definitely think speaking to your medical team would be a very good idea.

Wishing you well.
You sound like a lovely person who will be a great Mum.

Sometimes if we feel life is too perfect we look for where it might go wrong, we can't believe things are going so well. For goodness' sake, don't sabotage yourself by telling him this. Just enjoy how good life is at the moment.

Wow.

Had this been a man the comments would be a lot different. Whether its historic or not you need to disclose it.

Scapegoat, how so?

If a relationship cannot survive honesty, it's pretty much doomed sooner or later. Having a "secret" like this is basically relationship cancer, it might be tiny it might seem inconsequential but these things build and grow.

That said having seen a few other people casually within the first few months of a new relationship isn't a hanging offence. Unless you'd had a pretty serious discussion on becoming exclusive, then went ahead and cheated. I'd expect a certain degree of latitude if I were you.

If you do bring it up please don't bring it up under the cloud that you've committed some dreadful unforgivable sin. They were a few youthful indiscretions, you now in retrospect wish hadn't happened. You love your partner, have stayed faithful for basically decade. That counts for something.