Too into his family

[greenery12]

Would You be wary of a man who was very very close to his family. Going to their home every weekend, having vacations with them a few times per year,repetitive daily phone contact,spending all bank holidays / Easter : chrsitmas/ birthdays together.mum, dad, adult single siblings.
He is 36 and owns his own home 50kms away from his family home.

No- and I think there's a huge double standard here- if a woman rings her mum daily noone bats an eyelid. If a guy does it he's a "mummy's boy". Why is it different?

@MimiLaRue
AGREE!
What I’m earth could bu about having a strong family unit?

My partner loathes his family (admittedly valid reasons) and I'm very close to mine. I hope if we have a son that he's this close to us and doesn't completely ditch his family when he takes a GF/BF/wife/husband

That would be too much contact for me. For some people, it would be fine.

Daily phone contact, absolutely fine...

Every single bank holiday and several holidays a year, every year? Yeah I'd be a bit

I've dated men whose life revolves around their birth family, and they don't tend to want to prioritise you or take turns to see each family.

Not necessarily wary for that reason on its own. It would seem alien to me though.

@sauvignonblancplz

Right? how a guy treats his family says so much about his character. If he is close to them and treats them with love and care that shows he's a good guy. (Obviously not referring to abusive families here- i get why people go NC with them)

He told me that if we do coomit to one another, his relationship with his family will alwAys be like it is now which I find to be an unusual comment to make.

I'd see that as a big red flag with you follow up post.

He's deciding all of your holidays etc.

How on earth do you fit your family in?

If he is unwilling to adjust then I would see that as a problem yes. What if you want to spend every holiday with your family? Will you never go on holiday together? Or will his family always take priority? If you were to end up together would his family rage priority over you?

Being close to his family isn’t an issue, being inflexible is.

Too much for me, but I'd see how it goes as long as I wasn't expected to join in all the time. At least he owns his own home. Suggest a few holidays away and see how he responds. If it's , 'No, I can't possibly, because mum would be bereft if I didn't go to Bognor/Benidorm/Ulan Bator with them every year - then I'd be waving goodbye.

Does he have any friends?

When and how does he spend time with them?

Is the expectation that the time you are with is also spent with his birth family?

Have you met his birth family?

I don't have a close relationship with my folks.yip he does decide all the holidays.

This sounds like a very close family bond you're describing OP, but not over the line into unhealthy.

I'll give you an example of 'over the line into unhealthy' - When he spends five/six nights every single week visiting his brothers until two o'clock in the morning, when, on the occasional night he's home, they're still calling until the early hours of the morning so you can't even have a fuck in peace, and when he's so obsessed with answering their relentless text messages immediately that he actually does so while navigating a major roundabout with you in the passenger seat!

I left, of course.

Yes has lots of friends and takes vacations with them too.we have not had one together yet but with his family on a number of
Times. Hi s biggest priority/ deal breaker is that his family and I are close because he said that if I don't bond with his family , we would not work.
His family are number one to him.

That’d be a no from me!

My dp is an only child of divorced parents so makes an effort to see both of them regularly and holidays with his dad every year, but if he failed to consider me or my wants then that would be unreasonable. We have our own holidays that we do separately from that.

I also find if someone is selfish in this respect they expect to have the final say in other matters too.

If you're happy to just be absorbed into his family, never get a say in how holidays/weekends are spent, never get the same time to spend with your family, then crack on.

I am expected to spend Our Time with his birth family. Mostly that is when we see each other.

We do stuff on our own sometimes. It is not always with his family but the majority of the time.

If you spend the majority of your time when you are with him also with his family - you are not building your RS.

You are team building.

What is the family dynamic? Is there an overbearing parent controlling this - or is there some other bond - sport? Religion? Drinking?

I think he’s been very clear, if it doesn’t work for you walk away.
Don’t try to change him to fit your norm, it’s not fair.

Yeah, I'd probably find it a bit much, as my family doesn't do that. I know families that do that though

Nope. Being close to his family is fine - and generally a really good sign. Seeing them often is fine. Expecting you to entirely bend to his and their needs is absolutely not fine.

If you're pretty much only seeing him in their company, that's ridiculous. He's obviously not ready for a relationship outside of his family.

Far too much. It's like you're dating him and his family. And I bet he would speak to them and take their opinions on big stuff like children etc. He's telling you you will always be second best to his family. No thanks.