Too into his family

[greenery12]

Would You be wary of a man who was very very close to his family. Going to their home every weekend, having vacations with them a few times per year,repetitive daily phone contact,spending all bank holidays / Easter : chrsitmas/ birthdays together.mum, dad, adult single siblings.
He is 36 and owns his own home 50kms away from his family home.

Sorry mixing up the posters experiences!

But the sentiment is the quality of the experience and dynamics.

Also what is his RS history ...... I wonder if this was untenable for other partners?

This adoring each other sounds a bit OTT and infantile to me - maybe lots of mutual ego stroking going on - why would he need that?

He sounds like he hasn’t grown up. I’m also concerned that you talk about his family ‘idolising’ him. My ex always stressed how important his family was to him, how much he loved them blah blah. I stupidly assumed this was a sign he was a good, caring person.

The reality was he was an immature, spoilt baby who expected his family to do everything for him and mainly ‘loved’ them because they thought the sun shone out of his arse. He can’t live as an independent adult.

Be very, very wary....

He's got his life sorted just how he wants it. It will become suffocating for you and you will never come first. You need to decide if thats the way you want things to be in a relationship. I would be out.

He can be immature andI agree with pp's that suggested a codependency.They are enmeshed. One of his sisters is married to a man who is independent and he is not liked as it is thought that he is rude , when he simply likes to do things on his own and not get involved in all Organised activities when the family are together.
I have thought that he is not ready to leave his family emotionally.
He has said that if I treated his family the way his bil treats his family( which is not bad, he is polite but he is independent) that he would break up with me.
I like the idea of a close family but it does seem enmeshed and unhealthy.
He is spoilt and the youngest and enjoys his ranking as the baby. There is ego stroking.Don these types ever grow up and fly the nest?
No significant relationships in his past.

He has said that if I treated his family the way his bil treats his family( which is not bad, he is polite but he is independent) that he would break up with me

He doesn't get to say how you treat his family. He doesn't get to dictate how you behave. It sounds as though he thinks he should have the final word in everything to do with 'family', but as this extends to weekends, holidays, free time etc, I wonder how much would be left for you and how much negotiation there would be just for you to be able to have a weekend together without the phone ringing and him dashing off to be with family.

Oh, and no significant relationships in his past? Gosh, I wonder why that could be....

I'm very close to my family but it's accepted that as we've all grown up and married and had our own children, that our own little families take president over our family growing up (mother and siblings). It doesn't affect our closeness, it's just the natural way of things. Our family has evolved as we've all grown up, to me it's unrealistic to keep your childhood family dynamics the same when you're an adult with your own family. It doesn't mean you still can't be close or that you love each other less. I'd find your partners set up overwhelming. I'd feel like it doesn't give me enough opportunity to carve out a nook for my own family.

I guess it depends how well you get along with his family. I wouldnt want to change their string family unit, because its wonderful to be close to family and its nothing bad.
But if you cant stand them, then its not gonna work out because he will always be between.

Blimey I would find it suffocating! You will never be no1 in his eyes and God help you if you refused a visit lol

Being close to his family is not, in itself, a problem. The problem is when he doesn't consider anyone else, in this case, his DP, and prioritises his family's wants and needs over anyone else's.

So, for example, if you have DC, would you need to spend every holiday with your dc and his family? What if you wanted to have a Christmas with your family? or whatever?

Similarly, if they're close but also flexible and kind, they could be a wonderful help if you had DC. But if they're rigid and inflexible, then you could find yourself in a situation where every decision you want to take re your DC has to be agreed to by the broader family. That sounds awful.

What happens if you're not feeling well so can't attend a family event. would he stay with you or would he leave you at home? Or if you had an opportunity to go to a concert for your favourite band - would he consider his family more important?

If your job means a shift in work schedules and that impacts how you'd interact with his family, how would he respond?

These are all questions to ask and if the answers aren't ones you're comfortable with then you should cut your losses and be grateful that he's been open with you about how he plans to run his life.

I'm close with my family but I don't speak to them everyday or see them every holiday. It would be to intense for me to be that involved with my partners family.

He is spoilt and the youngest and enjoys his ranking as the baby. There is ego stroking.Don these types ever grow up and fly the nest?
No significant relationships in his past

Well, there we are then - run! No, they don’t ever grow up while they’re indulged and spoilt by their families, and while they bask in this rather than attempt to grow up.

Your place will be as an additional worshipper/servant to the Great One, not as an equal in an adult relationship.

He can be rigid.He spends all major vacations with his family. He will not reschedule Christmas / birthdays/ anniversaries for our relationship but I am included and quite enjoy them but that are intense.
If a concert coincided with a family event he will choose the family event.
I am always welcome and they are always kind but I visit my sister and her family on my own mostly, unless his family are busy or away." And he will come along.
I am a big part of his life and his family life but if I insist d on us not joining them on a vacation, he will go with them.
We will go overseas this year as a couple
For five nights. Our first time. We will also go away with his family some four times. We have an overnight break in hotels twice a year. For one night.

Maybe it could work if you love his family and don't have a mind of your own .
I couldn't do it myself , I'm too much of an introvert

It would be too much for me. I couldn’t be arsed with having to see the in-laws every weekend and share all holidays with them. I just wouldn’t like it.

He can be immature andI agree with pp's that suggested a codependency.

A reason to move on. He will be a shockingly inept and emotionally harmful parent. Is that what you wanted for any children you may have?

They are enmeshed.

Enmeshed is emotionally unhealthy and YOU will be the target / scapegoat and will personally bare the brunt. Don’t put yourself in that position. A reason to move on.

One of his sisters is married to a man who is independent and he is not liked as it is thought that he is rude , when he simply likes to do things on his own and not get involved in all Organised activities when the family are together.

This demonstrates how irrational and abusive enmeshed families are. Blaming this man for behaving is a v normal adult way and the expecting his time to be dictated to by “the family” - they are all colluding in this back stabbing and this is v controlling behaviour. A reason to move on.

I have thought that he is not ready to leave his family emotionally.

You are correct. He has told you and shown you repeatedly that he has no intention of emotionally developing. Listen to him. A reason to move on.

He has said that if I treated his family the way his bil treats his family( which is not bad, he is polite but he is independent) that he would break up with me.

This is a threat. It is controlling and irrational behaviour. A reason to move on.

He is spoilt and the youngest and enjoys his ranking as the baby. There is ego stroking.

Yuck. That’s your job now as well to keep the brat happy. He is not capable of being an equal or supportive partner. A reason to move on.

Do these types ever grow up and fly the nest?

Nope. Maybe physically but never emotionally. A reason to move on.

No significant relationships in his past.

No surprise there - they all ran for the hills.

Nah, in light of your update, I'm sorry - it's time to cut yourself off before this gets more intense. the point is that his life with you is simply an adjunct to his core life, with his family. So never been able to do anything else or choose your holidays is unbearable. Needing to adapt all plans around family is also unbearable.

I can think of 10 situations where this could be a huge problem without even trying. Hell, I've already listed 4 or 5. Here are a few more:

What happens when your friend is alone at Christmas/Easter/some other time and you want her to come stay with you. Will that be allowed or not? If it is, will she also have to join his family?

If you have limited leave, and want to spend some of it without his family, is that an option? Clearly not?

A great opportunity for you to live somewhere else for a while comes up, I assume that's not even something that would be considered?

Your future DC want to tae part in activities or events but they clash with long standing family events, do you have to cancel the opporutunity for them to do gymnastics or art classes or whatever because missing family events is not an option.

It is your best friend's big birthday. You wish to cancel a weekend away with his family to celebrate. Will this be allowed?

Similarly ,it is your mum/dad/sibling's big birthday. Will you be allowed to celebrate or must you attend his family event? Even if you go, will he skip something with his family for something that's important to your family?

Something happens to you that is upsetting and causes you to need more support and/or time alone. Will your dp respect this? Will he be with you? What happens when you don't want to attend something?

If there's zero compromise, I don't see this going well and I really would walk away now while you still can.

If your finding it a problem now then it probably is best you take time to consider if this is something you can deal with on a long-term basis if the relationship moves forward.

Personally I wouldn't find it an issue however as he has been upfront about his expectations regarding his family he is giving you the opportunity to decide if this is something you can handle. I think you need to take time to see if you are both truly compatible as this seems to be a big issue for you.

I'd have to walk away... no, I'd run!

He seems to be telling you that his family have a very particular space that you must fit into, or you are gone! If you can't see yourself being their version of yourself forever then leave now... and tell him why - you want a grown up, an individual, not to join a Borg Collective!

There is not a problem if I want to go anywhere or do anything that conflicts with his family life. However, I go alone unless it is an emergency.
He tells me the plans andI go or do not go. He is a organiser.

He can be rigid.He spends all major vacations with his family. He will not reschedule Christmas / birthdays/ anniversaries for our relationship

This is v selfish and one-sided - why can’t it be 50/50? It’s not an equal respectful RS.

If a concert coincided with a family event he will choose the family event.

Ridiculous. Totally limiting your experience and joy of life.

I am always welcome and they are always kind.

To your face and because presumably to date you have towed the v strict line. You know how they treat your BIL. Have you tested this?

but I visit my sister and her family on my own mostly, unless his family are busy or away.

V selfish of him. Not equal, supportive or respectful of you or your family even though he expects this from you.

Have you reduced your contact with your friends and your family and your hobbies / interests to accommodate his demands?

I am a big part of his life and his family life but if I insist d on us not joining them on a vacation, he will go with them.

He doesn’t hear you.

You are not his priority.

He doesn’t respect you.

How long have you been with him? How old are you?

Your replies make me feel a lot better for my situation. My partner of 18 months is very close to his parents. But they are 95 and 92. They are still independent but do need help to stay in their own home. Gardening etc. My partner spends every weekend there and I do too. BUT if we want to go away we go. If we want to spend a weekend day with our friends where we live then we do. If I say let's go away then we do. I can see we really can't go more than 3 weeks without seeing them as the garden gets out of control. No good gardeners around who could help. My partner also wants to help with my family when the time comes.
I do sometimes find it stifling but if I plan time away there is never a problem.

Oh we have one week away with them each year but we can go off and do our own thing during the day/at night. They are actually great fun.

We are a couple for two years. I am
25.

My partners family all live in Portugal, so whenever he can he calls them and flys over to see them, at least twice if not three times a year. When we got pregnant, i said im happy for this to continue, but as the baby gets older, holidays on our own once a year must happen- even if just a long weekend and he understood. You need to just think about what you want holiday wise ect. It works out great for me as i get 2/3 free holidays to Portugal every year.

Him being close to his family is not a problem.

Him imposing them on you and telling you what he wants and what he will do in spite of you is.

He sounds like an immature twat.

I'd leave him to his family.

Ick!