Too into his family

[greenery12]

Would You be wary of a man who was very very close to his family. Going to their home every weekend, having vacations with them a few times per year,repetitive daily phone contact,spending all bank holidays / Easter : chrsitmas/ birthdays together.mum, dad, adult single siblings.
He is 36 and owns his own home 50kms away from his family home.

Just run and keep running.

Honestly from someone who grew up in an enmeshed family it’s not worth it. The closeness of these families are dependent on the exclusion of others. Besides if he really loves you there would be a bit more give and take rather than this dictatorial stance.

You aren’t seen as a partner you are a bit part in someone else’s show. You are worth more than that.

The closeness of these families are dependent on the exclusion of others.

Wow that’s a powerful insight.

Maybe “close family” should read “closed family” if they are enmeshed.

I think the age gap in this context is significant. I suspect he targeted you as a young naive malleable 23 year old - no woman his own age - 36 would tolerate this nonsense.

Interesting that you a decade younger than him can see he is immature.

You aren’t seen as a partner you are a bit part in someone else’s show

This. And, unfortunately, he is the star. He will NOT cope well if you have children.

I do feel like I'm part of the firm at times.
We do meet his friends in groups and sometimes mine but he does the arrangements which suits me as he has a large circle of friends but I don't as I am not local to the area

He doesn't want children.

Do you want children op? If so a good reason to split ASAP.

@Gutterton

Absolutely.

I honestly think a lot of men that go out with much younger women, do so because they can't hang onto a woman their own age.
Specifically that early 20's to mid late 30's stretch.
They can have huge vanity and fancy the whole "I'm so experienced " persona bullshit.

OP he sounds like an awful twat.

In my experience, people who claim that their family is "very very close" are also the first to say that any family who don't see each other as much as they do are "not close" (I think a poster above did this too - said something like "your family was unloving"). The reality is usually that they are deeply enmeshed and cannot function separately.

The problem is that his family will always be put before yours because "your family aren't close" (even though your family may well be closer, they just have a healthier way of functioning).

Honestly, I'd run. What a PP said about you only ever being a "bit part" in their family's drama is likely to be true.

I guess it's down to the individual, some find becoming part of someones family very comforting and a sign that they're accepted and feel secure. Especially if they don't have that relationship with their own family. Others find it very claustrophobic and intrusive.
I personally couldn't be with someone who regarded their family as their sole priority. It often means you have no private life or business ever. Every single purchase, incident, holiday, function is discussed with them, or they are part of it.
We all have a time in life to become independent and stand on our own two feet. This guy seems incapable of doing this. I would consider your future carefully OP.
All the best.

If you would prefer to be with someone who fights/dislikes their family/ is estranged/drama/controversy that’s up to you but you’re missing out on an opportunity to have a strong family base and all the support that entails.

There's a huge difference between that and living in each other's pockets. It's great to have a close relationship between parents and adult children, but there has to be some healthy distance there.

Exactly @ThatLibraryMiss . I'm close to my parents and sibling, but I don't see them all the time. I know I can rely on them at any time.

On the other hand, I've a friend whose family is "super close". She gets very little actual support from them - eg when she had the flu, it was her MIL who drove an hour each direction every day for a week, took the kids to school, made lunches etc. Her mother and siblings (living roughly 10 mins away) did the sum total of nothing that week, and barely even asked how she was (despite constant WhatsApp chats about other stuff).

Are they rich? I know a couple of very wealthy families like this.

You sound fundamentally incompatible. He is very into his family whereas you relegate then to the status of ‘birth family’ as he now has a girlfriend. Which is very detached. I’ve never heard anyone refer to their siblings as their ‘birth family’ even if married. To me that’s something someone adopted would say.

To answer your previous question I used to go home every weekend. Then 2 weekends a month once I met my DH and sometimes 1 weekend a month if we have a wedding or birthday party to go to. we both like spending time with my family so it’s not a chore. If my DH said he was tired and didn’t want to leave the house for a weekend we wouldn’t go and would go a different weekend instead.

I find it interesting you say if my DH objected to my family visiting who would I choose. I can see a whole other thread on here where a woman says my friend Cathy wants to call in for coffee this Saturday and I arranged for my friend eve to call in for lunch a week later but DH says I can’t have them over and need to choose who between seeing my friends and him. I think responses would say the DH is controlling in this situation. Why is it different if the friend is a sibling?

he said that if I don't bond with his family, we would not work

He has said that if I treated his family the way his bil treats his family (which is not bad, he is polite but independent) that he would break up with me

He's very keen on the "warnings" isn't he? It's obviously valuable to be able to work with each others' families, but if he's taking it to this degree perhaps he isn't the catch he thinks he is?

It all has an awful flavour of "well, I warned you" about it to me, so I'd definitely pass on this one

he said that if I don't bond with his family, we would not work

How has his Lordship "bonded" with your family when he doesn't visit them with you and you go on your own? Think of how that looks in the future OP, your family will be placed as second best just as you are now, how does that look when you have ageing, unwell much loved family members and he won't accommodate them, no visits with you, no support for you but you will be expected to put him and his first, always. You are sleepwalking into a relationship where you will always be second best.

I always find it amusing when people are so close to their family and believe family is so important etc etc.... but it's all one way and what they actually mean is that THEIR family is important. I've seen this with a few friends and colleagues over the years. One woman I know is very clear that her mother is super important, they've very close etc. All perfectly reasonable. She expects her DH to treat her mother very well, also very reasonable. But she will not compromise on a single thing for his family and when he ONCE tried to take the DC for a weekend to visit his parents (because she refused to go) she had a complete meltdown.

This is not someone who thinks family is important.

DH is someone who thinks family is important. He's close to his family. He goes out of his way to spend time with my family, help them, engage with them, build relationships etc. He considers my nieces and nephews equally his. I do the same for his family.

Do his family have keys to his house? ie, is it all one way - that he goes to visit them but is private about his own space? Or do they all have tacit permission to come trooping in whenever they feel like it?

Because that one is the end of a lot of relationships (see - most of Mumsnet).

but I visit my sister and her family on my own mostly, unless his family are busy or away." And he will come along.

So his family has to be the centre of your world too, but your family are unimportant to him. He's entirely selfish.

You say he doesn't want children (unsurprising as he wants to continue being the family baby). Are you sure you're happy with that?

Can I ask what culture you're both from? Is it the same one, or does he belong to one where family expectations are different? Or where you don't have much say in things?

It depends 100% on what his family are like.

He doesn't want children

Have you ever asked him why he doesn't want children?

Is there a cultural aspect going on as i suspect English isnt your first language? Not that there is anything wrong with that, it is just to put the situation into context.
Tbh though, wherever you are from, you are 25 and should be loving life. Get rid of him sounds like you could do alot better.

I personally couldn’t live like that and I’m
All about family being close as mine are very up and down so always happy to meet a man who is close with his family but I wouldn’t want a man that based how we navigate our life on his family.

Can you imagine what it would be like if a child came in that mix, he’d probably say when and where you can take the child etc as his family will have priority over yours.

I’ve told my sons I expect a daily call when and if they ever leave home but that’s more to do with the fact it is literally them and me and if I popped my clogs at home I would like to think I wasn’t left for the cat to chew on for weeks on end (morbid but it can easily happen) but going on holidays, seeing me every weekend or expecting him to be at mine for every holiday to the point it’s making his partner uncomfortable is ridiculous.

Ok, just seen he doesn’t want children.. thank goodness for that.