Too into his family

[greenery12]

Would You be wary of a man who was very very close to his family. Going to their home every weekend, having vacations with them a few times per year,repetitive daily phone contact,spending all bank holidays / Easter : chrsitmas/ birthdays together.mum, dad, adult single siblings.
He is 36 and owns his own home 50kms away from his family home.

Dynamic is that they are very very close. Hugging when they pass by one another,taking vacation together,socialising together.They are just immensely close.
He idolises his family.Tjey idolise him back.

I am expected to spend Our Time with his birth family. Mostly that is when we see each other.

Whaaaaaat??! I take it back OP - nothing healthy about that!

Ah my dp is a bit like this. Nowhere near to your extent though.
Dp once dared to suggest a hol including his parents to america. I soon told him the craic with that shit! I wouldnt even dream of going away with my own parents never mind anyone elses. No matter how well we get on.
Red flags here imo. Hes basically told you more than once that his family is priority. He will not have your back on anything and big decisions will be decided with his family and not between you. Fuck.that.shit. run while you can.

I’m incredibly close to my family. I speak to my parents on the phone at least once a day. I text my sister and brothers most days. I see my parents once a week during the week and other siblings usually once every week or two weeks. I also holiday with them. I’m happily married to my DH. He gets on great with my family. We go on our own holidays too and we usually would spend x2 weekend a month with my family and x2 ourselves maybe with a visit from my family. I have my DHs back 100%. I love my family and I love him. Those talking about red flags can’t understand that some families get on great and love each other. There is no drama or issues. It’s been that way since I was a child. Parents very much in love, nights out with my friends and siblings, holidays a mix of friends and siblings etc and the same now with DH. You can’t understand as you didn’t grow up in a loving family. If you would prefer to be with someone who fights/dislikes their family/ is estranged/drama/controversy that’s up to you but you’re missing out on an opportunity to have a strong family base and all the support that entails. I’d be more worried about you if I was him that you find a loving family relationship abnormal..... do you envisage if you and your other half have children they’ll only contact you every few months if that and won’t want to spend more than a day in your company ? Is that your view of a normal family?

For me it would depend on how much I liked the family myself and how welcoming they were to me and things like that. If you have kids they will want to be very involved. For some people that might be nice (a helping hand and so on) and for others a nightmare. Do you get on well with them OP?

Do you like his family? Are they welcoming and make you feel comfortable and included?

I blend in very well with his family but it can be intense at times.

@Aspoonfullofjam.I do not know a single person who has a relationship like yours with your birth family.if your husband got fed up and objected to the twice per month visits to your family and visits from them on the weekends that you do not spend with them, who would you chose to spend your weekends with?

Yes I'd be wary. My ex is constantly asking his parents for advice in our relationship and tells them way too much. He also tries to use it against me that I'm not in a close family like they are
And other ex always wanted holidays with his parents which I hated!

I am very close to my parents and when I was single I saw them frequently. Once I became serious with DH (when he was my BF) I started to spend less time with my family and more time with him. That is how it should be. Not lose all contact with your family but start to build your own life with your partner. It wouldn’t be fair to make a partner have to spend all spare time with your family.

We have been on holiday with my parents, and we have been on holiday with DH’s parents. But most of our holidays have been DH and I, and then with DC.

Extended family is important but shouldn’t be more important than your relationship.

It's not unusual for people not living with a partner to be very close to their family including having outings and holidays. It's rather nice actually. When they (or we) set up home with a partner it naturally becomes less but the bond and mutual support is still there which is very valuable.

Delbelleber Mon 09-Mar-20 01:00:58
Yes I'd be wary. My ex is constantly asking his parents for advice in our relationship and tells them way too much. He also tries to use it against me that I'm not in a close family like they are confused
And other ex always wanted holidays with his parents which I hated!
......
That is OTT. What goes on between you two should remain between you, I would not countenance having a partner who was so disloyal and indiscreet. Your partner should be more sensitive - tell him. As for holidays with parents, you don't have to go. However it is good that he is close to his family.

Op I am in your position. My partner has 7 siblings. They are so close. They have multiple WhatsApp groups that are going off constantly. They are never not communicating. He goes and visits different people in his family 2-3 times a week. If he’s not been to see his mum in 3 or 4 days she phones him complaining asking why he hasn’t been. It’s far too much for me and it came to a head last weekend. He said there’s nothing stopping me going with him. But there is. His mum makes me uncomfortable. Im happy with monthly visits. And I hope when my children grow up
they don’t feel they need to c me loads. Then I’ll feel I’ve raised independent people who put their lives with their partners as a priority! Last week he visited them once and eased off on the WhatsApp messages. I would never want to come between him and his family. But after 4 years together and ttc I don’t wanna be last on his priorities. It’s bloody tough op! But you have to make a decision whether to stay or go because this won’t change much.

People with similar values tend to have good relationships. It doesn't sound like you have.

Move on. I dated a guy who was like this in my early 20's and we were going on holiday and weekends away with his parents. He was a complete mummy's boy and it really got me down. He always had to ask his mum's opinion so the girlfriend's opinion is invalid. We are no longer together. I am close to my family but some of these guys may have deeper issues. Why should you be put on the backburner and go along with what his family want to do.

I'd be very concerned. I think he wouldn't be able to compromise in the relationship.

My ex was like that.

His family always came first. Weekends etc were supporting and helping his parents.

He cheated on me and walked away from his life and moved 300 miles away with this woman without a backward glance at his family.

I'd be wary as to his level of commitment to you tbh.

This isnt him being close to his family - this is a dependency issue and it would put me right off!

He’s telling you his family will always be number one and checking you are happy to play second fiddle? Are you? I think it will be miserable frankly after a while.

It’s important to be close to your family but seeing them every single weekend, phoning several times a day really?

I’d move on and leave him behind

Sounds all too overbearing to me. If you two spend most of your time together with his family, how will the relationship grow? You're dating him, not his family.

Being close to his family is great, but if he expects all future time to be spent with his family, including holidays, he's not compromising.

Yeah, that's a problem for me. I don't think that amount of contact is unusual or wrong, but the very fact he has said up front he is unwilling to compromise is the deal breaker.

It's a very good thing if a bloke is close to his family but only if in turn, the family are understanding about allowing him space once he is in a committed relationship and vice versa. Once he is married, or in a committed relationship with DC, then his priority should be his own family unit ifyswim. So I would be very careful here op as this can lead to years of unhappiness if you are the wife/girlfriend in this scenario and you always come second.

It's really nice that he's close to his family, I think in a lot of ways that's a good thing but what you describe OP is just too much. I'd find that suffocating and would wonder where my wishes and opinions would be taken into account.
That level of contact definitely wouldn't be for me.

Well the problematic thing about this is that if he met someone with the 'same values' as him, who wanted to put their family first like he does his, then the relationship would never work, because neither would compromise.

So it would be a 'no' from me. These types of relationships only work if the other person isn't close to their own family, and I am close to my sisters.

The actual quantity of time in this example is irrelevant. They sound v unhealthy and enmeshed - big clue is the DM chasing after 4 days (v controlling) and being unpleasant to you (bullying) and the gaslighting and putting down of your by him that this is a “close family” and yours isn’t.

None of these are acceptable behaviours - you should be treated with kindness and respect at all times.

There's close and there's suffocatng individuality.

It sounds a little bit as though your DP has never quite grown up and become sure of his own decision making abiiity so has to run everything past his family to check its validity. So if one of his brothers (eg) took against you, you might find yourself out in the cold while they shut the family unit against you. Or if you have a disagreement, the whole family will gang up to tell you where you were wrong.

Had an ex like this once. Talked to his dad about every single thing to do with our relationship. He dumped me because his dad didn't think we were a good match...