I know this sounds crazy but

[NotAnotherNameChangePlease]

Is it possible for someone to be able to see what I’m doing on my phone?

Dh and I are going through a divorce. One of the main reasons is that I found a hidden camera that he was using to spy on me while he was away at work on weekdays. He was being incredibly controlling and I’m pretty sure he put a tracker in the car as he always knew where I was.

Anyway, it all seemed to have gone quiet on Xdh front. Then this last week my phone has been running really, really slowly. I deleted a load of apps and videos etc. but it didn’t help at all.

Then last night I hooked up with a guy who has been a friend of mine for ages and who Dh was always a bit weird about. There is absolutely no way Dh would know about this. I posted about it on here but I regularly name change and he knows some other information about it that I haven’t posted on here. I have had constant messages from him for the last hour or so telling me that I’m a slut, that he’s going to tell my dm what I’ve been doing (she couldn’t care less), that he’s going to try and have the dc’s taken off me if I’m just out shagging all the time 🙄.

All annoying but xdh is full of crap and about 200 miles away so won’t physically do anything. But what’s got me is he’s referred to something that has only come up via a FB message between me and this guy.

What should I do? Is there a way to find out if there’s something he’s put on my phone that shows what I’m typing, shows my messages or something?

Has he had access to your phone (you say he's 200 miles away)?

It's very easy to put keyloggers and even screen watchers on laptops so I suppose it would be the same with phones. He'd need time to install the app though. Can you go into your list of apps in the settings and see if there's anything you don't recognise?

Also, are you sure it's not possible he just heard about this guy through mutual friends?

Yes there is software, but he'd have had to have access to your phone. Change your fb password, your email password etc, the most likely explanation would be that he either knows one of those or has guessed it.

Did you go to the police about him spying on you?

Go into a phone shop and ask them to check it. My ex did this and I’ve no idea how. He could see what I was doing and found my thread on here without me ever telling him about this site. I didn’t feel safe then.
I didn’t get my phone checked, I left him and changed the phone. I don’t know what it is they put on the phone though.

He had my phone for a whole day about a month ago as I left it at home while he had the kids at mine. I’ve noticed it going slow since then.

We have absolutely no mutual friends that know about last night. It was all my school friends that I was out with then and none of them like him. I’ve had a check on all their FB pages and there’s no photos or any comments or anything he could’ve seen. But he’s referring to a particular message that this man sent me via FB messenger that no one else in the world knows about.

Check where you are logged into Facebook on, and log out on all devices and change your password

He could have unlocked my phone as dd knows the unlock code and could have told him. There’s no way he’d know/ guess my passwords as I change them regularly and they’re just not guessable.

Yep it is possible, there are things you can download that check and remove it, make sure you keep some evidence though.

Do you have an Android or apple phone btw?

Get your phone checked & change your phone.

I know you shouldnt have to but its been tampered with.

I didn’t go to the police because I don’t want to see what he filmed. It’s just too embarrassing. Also, although I’m really angry at him now at the time I kind of just felt sorry for him. He’s taken all the stuff away now so I do t even know what he’s done with it.

I’ve got an iPhone. Going to have another look through apps now. He could’ve stuck an app on here I guess. My Ds’ iPad is linked to my iPhone so when he downloads games they come up on my phone too and I don’t always pay attention to them.

If it's an iPhone check via the App Store if there are any hidden apps on your phone. You can Google how to do it.

Also check your WhatsApp (if you use that) settings that it's not being used on any other devices.

And check your family sharing, and what devices are syncing to your iCloud.

Women’s Aid have advice about this on their website, or you could ring them.

Extremely unlikely as it's an iPhone unless he Jailbroke the device. It's be much easier to use Find My iPhone (assuming he knows your iCloud password or some other device in an iCloud Family Sharing)

Disable sharing your location for starters.

Then take backup of the device and do a factory reset and then only put the apps back on that you want. This will also help with the slowness of the device.

When did you last change your password on messenger? Is it possible that he's changed it and has logged in as you from his device?

If you log out and try and log back in what happens?

You need a new phone number and change passwords on all social media or delete. I had to. It got frightening

Yes keep location switched off and up your privacy on everything.

this is awful OP..

He’s probably got a device linked to your iCloud account. I get my FB messages on my iPad and iPhone for example.

Can you check settings to see what devices are linked?

He is awful, this is so gross.

This article explains a lot. Stalkerware is covered at the end of the article.

www.zdnet.com/article/the-ultimate-guide-to-finding-and-killing-spyware-and-stalkerware/

I would strongly recommend taking your phone to an Apple store to have it cleaned of spyware.

This will give you evidence that spyware was present for taking police action.

Could he be accessing your Facebook messenger? If there was something only on that, then it would seem obvious he can access it.

Op, the other thing is, is there someone you’re telling stuff to who could be telling him ? Or telling someone else who is telling him?

Xdh is a complete tech geek so if there’s a way to put stuff like this on he’d do it. I’m taking my phone to the apple shop on Tuesday, see if they can do something. I’m due an upgrade for my phone next month anyway so hopefully that will end it.

OP you need to go to the police about his behaviour.

Yes it's possible that he sent something to you via email that downloaded when you opened it. You need to reset your phone to Factory settings and block him. He may have done the same to your computer or tablet; it's easy to do remotely.

The tracking devices etc are a criminal offence and you need to take your phone and any other evidence you have to the police. Contact the National Stalking Helpline and they'll be able to give you further help and advice.

This is very serious OP and you need to take action to protect yourself. Please contact the National Stalking Helpline as soon as you can and they'll tell you how to check and remove any keyloggers or other devices.