I know this sounds crazy but

[NotAnotherNameChangePlease]

Is it possible for someone to be able to see what I’m doing on my phone?

Dh and I are going through a divorce. One of the main reasons is that I found a hidden camera that he was using to spy on me while he was away at work on weekdays. He was being incredibly controlling and I’m pretty sure he put a tracker in the car as he always knew where I was.

Anyway, it all seemed to have gone quiet on Xdh front. Then this last week my phone has been running really, really slowly. I deleted a load of apps and videos etc. but it didn’t help at all.

Then last night I hooked up with a guy who has been a friend of mine for ages and who Dh was always a bit weird about. There is absolutely no way Dh would know about this. I posted about it on here but I regularly name change and he knows some other information about it that I haven’t posted on here. I have had constant messages from him for the last hour or so telling me that I’m a slut, that he’s going to tell my dm what I’ve been doing (she couldn’t care less), that he’s going to try and have the dc’s taken off me if I’m just out shagging all the time 🙄.

All annoying but xdh is full of crap and about 200 miles away so won’t physically do anything. But what’s got me is he’s referred to something that has only come up via a FB message between me and this guy.

What should I do? Is there a way to find out if there’s something he’s put on my phone that shows what I’m typing, shows my messages or something?

I'd report him fir harassment while I was at it. You cant text ppl calling them a slut ect, it's harassment. Dont let him away with it. Chances are he will just get a warning but still...

Get proof from the phone shop if they find evidence of something on your phone too and report that.

Vile vile bully who needs to be reported. He sounds very dangerous.

What an arsehole. Screenshot the locations in Torrington and when phone shop confirms spyware on your phone go to police to show them the texts.

I agree nothing will happen but the police will have a clearer picture if he escalates.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation You could do a factory reset but the trouble is iPhones are very difficult to wipe everything if they've been jailbroken

That's not the case at all. iPhone jailbreaks are very fragile, getting trashed with every minor update (or even reboots!). An intentional restore on an iPhone is the equivalent of putting a brand new hard drive inside a computer - all previous tracks are gone.

Nothing will happen?

Hidden Cameras
Spyware
Stalking
Trackers
Harassment

If the OP doesn't get rid off the evidence, writes a log and reports to the police, plenty will happen. She also has legal recourse if she listens to advice and contacts the NSH as they'll advise of her legal options and how to stay safe.

I would be very wary as he's tech savvy... can he still get access to new phone etc via iCloud etc??

New phone and all new emails and accounts?

I think I’ll have to reset everything and just delete my social media. I’m trying to be positive about the whole thing, at least it’s stopped me doubting my decision to split! That and the fact that I had the most incredible time with a very lovely man last night. So, if you’re reading this xdh - seriously, just get a hobby.

OP, when you went into account settings in Messenger did it take you to a safari page to log in to to access your settings? As it could actually be that it's showing you logged in twice and both are you. Out of interest, I had a look at my account settings and it took me out of the app and into safari and then showed me as being logged in on messenger and safari. But both are definitely me. Not saying your XDH isn't doing something but just wanted to make you aware.

This happened to Me, so sorry you're going through this. Please go to the police, they'll help you x

New phone and new number that I only gave to maybe 10 people is the only way I've got peace again. Pay as u go too

Hi op not connected to an iPad are you ? If he knows your Apple ID too he can log in and see everything your doing x

Change your Apple ID password x

My phone is connected to ds’s iPad but xdh never touches it. He definitely doesn’t know my Apple ID but I’ve just changed all my passwords again today anyway and logged out of everything.

I,d report that to the police, fuck him.

If you go to settings and click on your Apple ID you can see the devices your Apple ID is logged into.

Go to the police. Even if it goes no further it will put the shits up him and so he will think twice in future.

Alternatively, arrange with friends to send messages about random made up shit so he has no idea what is true and what is not. Laugh at the vitriol. Read aloud to friends over wine and take the piss mercilessly. Drain his sting.

If he has been in your house with DC and is determined he is highly likely to have been on DS iPad!

Do you ever get a "casting" icon appear on the top status bar on your phone? That's a sign of a tracker being used.

random whenever xdh has been with the kids I’ve always made sure that I take their iPads and Switch with me. Otherwise he’d just let them play on it the whole time he was here and do bigger all else with them. I just stupidly forgot to bring my phone with me the other week when he was here.

Are you sure that he hasn't installed another camera or listening device in your home? Frankly I wouldn't be letting him my home unsupervised after he pulled that stunt.

Some other poster discovered he'd planted a camera in a bedroom...

I wouldn't let him in your home again either. You will never be able to trust him.

He could have put something in the house. The messages he was sending yesterday though were about one specific thing that this guy had messaged me about via messenger. There’s no way he’d know about it even if he did have a camera or microphone listening to me. Unless the camera could see the text on my phone I guess but I think that’s pretty unlikely.

I’ve got the day to myself today (the next couple of hours anyway) and I’m clearing out all the rest of his stuff and boxing it up. When he comes round next weekend I’ll tell them that he’ll have too take dc out. I know it’s awful to not tell him before but unless I spring it on him on the day he’ll find a way to wriggle out of it. Plus I’ll have my brother here with me so I know he’ll behave.

I’m a bit in shock that it’s got to this tbh. A couple of weeks ago, although I wasn’t thinking of is getting back together, I was thinking how well we’re doing and that we were being really mature for the dc by Dh coming to stay in the family home for contact. There was no way I’d have ever forgiven him for spying on me in the first place but I didn’t hate him or anything. I just thought he was very insecure and convinced I’d cheat on him. Now he’s truly showing what he’s really like which has come as a real shock as we were married for nearly a decade!

Sorry, I’m just rambling on. But thanks for the advice everyone. Hopefully once I get my new phone sorted it will be the end of it.

he’ll find a way to wriggle out of it
This is wrong thinking. You do not have to listen to what he says. You do not have to negotiate with him.

You take your position: he is never coming into your house again.

You do not have to convince, argue or anything. If he would rather not see the children then that's on him. If he is that manipulative the children are better off not seeing him even if they are disappointed in the moment.

"You will have to work something else out. You are not coming in."

"Poo in the street then. You are not coming in."

"No, you are not coming in."

"Leave or I will call the police."

Given his escalation you really should reconsider going to the police. Call the DV unit. See what they say.

I meant he could have planted a camera or listening in device as well tbh