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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating Husband - 11 week old baby

76 replies

primarywoodle · 07/03/2020 01:50

Discovered the bombshell thursday night - he denied it. Stupid twat left a paper trail on his tablet so got the evidence to confront him Friday lunchtime - he couldnt not denyit then although i suspect i didnt get the full truth.

He doesnt want to make it work, im getting the full gaslighting "we werent happy" - bollocks, hes been distancing himself from me and the kids since it started when newest baby was 5 WEEKS OLD. I dont want him back but feels so much worse that he doesnt even want to fight after 8 years

im just lying here feeling numb with my baby on one side and my 3 year old on the other not knowing what comes next. Unmumsnetty handholds welcomed please

OP posts:
StarJumpAlertTakeCover · 07/03/2020 01:53

Oh sweetheart. So sorry. No helpful advice but if I was there I’d give you a big big hug xxxxx

Doubleyouexwhyandzed · 07/03/2020 01:53

What a huge massive bellend he is.
You on the other hand are strong and awesome and will make yourself and your lovely children a great future. I’m sorry you are having to deal with this shit.

WhiteBadger · 07/03/2020 01:58

Oh darling. The wee hours of the morning are the worst. I'm sorry you're going through this.

All I can say is that you will get through this, it will get better. Do you have a good family support network?

butwhateverfor · 07/03/2020 01:58

Look up "the script". They all trot out the same bollocks.

feliciabirthgiver · 07/03/2020 02:05

It's a really shit place to be Thanks but you will get over it I promise, I'm absolutely living my best life sine exdh left. Spend lots of time with your loved ones and ask for help if it all gets too much.

Original poster
primarywoodle · 07/03/2020 02:08

He is the master of the script. I really truly never thought he would be capable of cheating. He has systematically lied and lies through our relationship about porn, drugs, money etc but still i never saw this coming.

Not really got a support network tbh, my 2 best friends live over an hour away and my family are all over an hour away too. My MIL is closeby and we get on well but shes obvioualy going to ultimately stand by her son.

OP posts:
butwhateverfor · 07/03/2020 02:12

How many kids have you got?

Original poster
primarywoodle · 07/03/2020 02:13

In the end i know we will all be happier for him going. He leeches positivity from everyone around him and then blames those people (usually me of course) for the negative atmosphere. Its a happier house when hes not around, i can tell my daughter (3) feels that too.

But right now i just feel sick at what a fool he has made of me.

He spent £15 on viagara and more on hotel rooms to fuck her but wouldnt buy bottles for his baby boy so he could have a go at bottlefeeding cause he was "too broke"

OP posts:
Original poster
primarywoodle · 07/03/2020 02:14

My DD is 3.5 and my DS is 11 weeks old today

OP posts:
redastherose · 07/03/2020 02:18

He's a tosser, I know you'll feel sad but one day you will be thankful that you're not carrying this dead weight along with you, and you and your babies can be relaxed and happy in your own little family. Just remember his failings are his alone and not yours when he tries to blame you.

butwhateverfor · 07/03/2020 02:19

Let her keep him - you've no use for that, right? Hope you laughed in his face about the Viagra.

Original poster
primarywoodle · 07/03/2020 02:27

Shes a piece of shit as well, she also has kids around 5 and 2 years old.

Im really trying to approach this in a way that wont break my mental health but just keep getting these waves of utter rage at what he has done and then images of them together and naive little me at home making his dinner. Im also terrified about the forthcoming legal battle re: the house (1 year today we moved in!) but more importantly custody of my kids.

I just feel like such an idiot

OP posts:
Original poster
primarywoodle · 07/03/2020 02:28

Ive just re-read the script and its just word for word what he has done its incredible.

OP posts:
IntergalacticSuperstar · 07/03/2020 02:38

He spent £15 on viagara and more on hotel rooms to fuck her but wouldnt buy bottles for his baby boy so he could have a go at bottlefeeding cause he was "too broke"

Remember that. You've just got shot of a useless creep who values buying his orgasms rather than feeding his baby.

Slimerecipehell · 07/03/2020 03:23

Don’t feel like an idiot, you’re so not. I’ve been here and it takes all the strength you have every single minute of every single day to get through it....but you will, believe me. In years to come, when you have been there for your beautiful children, you will be happy again. My only single piece of advise is maintain your dignity, even though it will be tough, you’ll come good. Take care xx

penisbeakers · 07/03/2020 03:40

May he fall penis first into a pit of horribly infected needles.

Winterlife · 07/03/2020 03:54

Don’t worry about custody OP. Children, especially at that age, are hard work. I suspect a man who prioritizes viagra over his baby isn’t up to the job.

Flowers
Winterlife · 07/03/2020 03:56

^No pun intended.

Original poster
primarywoodle · 07/03/2020 04:02

He doesnt give a shiny shite about them tbh but he has a complete fear of being perceived as anything other than godlike so im scared hes going to try for 50/50 just to appear like the ultimate dad.

I cant even begin to describe how hands off he is, any effort he makes i have to force him into whicu obviously then is used to make me out to be controlling or negative 🤔

OP posts:
Original poster
primarywoodle · 07/03/2020 04:03

How did those of you who have been here get through the emotions? I keep putting my meditations on and then i just lie there with 5000000 thoughts in my head

OP posts:
SheWolfofFrance · 07/03/2020 04:10

Sorry your going through this.

If he's anything like my ex he won't bother about 50/50 or any kind of proper custody arrangements until they're older and less hassle ... before that small kids tend to cramp their style. My ex also likes to appear godlike and the perfect dad so later on demanded almost 50/50 (after I'd done all the hard work raising Ds) and likes to act like he actually contributed to this when we're complicated on something to do with DS. Luckily most people see through his crap

ScreamingLadySutch · 07/03/2020 04:14

It is the worst trauma, and there is only one way through it - and that is through it.

Just take one day at a time.

" He has systematically lied and lies through our relationship about porn, drugs, money etc "

What did you see in him??? This is just the latest round of selfishness. It is no different to the rest of the disrespect he has handed out.

Life WILL be better without him!

WhiteBadger · 07/03/2020 04:22

When my rage and bitterness took my mind to places I didn't want to be, I used a a technique to ground myself, to bring myself to the here and now.

Go through the following steps to help ground yourself:
1 5: Acknowledge FIVE things you see around you. ...
2 4: Acknowledge FOUR things you can touch around you. ...
3 3: Acknowledge THREE things you hear. ...
4 2: Acknowledge TWO things you can smell. ...
5 1: Acknowledge ONE thing you can taste.

Take It nice and slowly and really concentrate on thinking of the senses. Honestly it really does help, bring you back.

I promise it will get better. Hang on in there.

rebecca102 · 07/03/2020 04:22

Absolutely disgusting. You and your kids deserve so much better Thanks

REignbow · 07/03/2020 04:24

Sending you Flowers

If he is already following the script, then you’ll need to stay one step ahead.

Get copies of payslips etc

If you have any savings then seriously think about moving half into an account that he does not have access to. There have been instances where the H has moved all money leaving the wife with nothing. Think about it, if he is willing to spend money on hotels and not his DC then that shows his nature right there.

Also, they all say they”ll go for 50:50. Start a diary and log what he actually does with the DC. Personally, I’d consider moving closer to family to get support (I wouldn’t tell him, I’d just go).

BTW, he didn’t sound very nice even before he had the affair. Be thankful, you can start a new life with positive influences on your DC.