Cheating Husband - 11 week old baby

[primarywoodle]

Discovered the bombshell thursday night - he denied it. Stupid twat left a paper trail on his tablet so got the evidence to confront him Friday lunchtime - he couldnt not denyit then although i suspect i didnt get the full truth.

He doesnt want to make it work, im getting the full gaslighting "we werent happy" - bollocks, hes been distancing himself from me and the kids since it started when newest baby was 5 WEEKS OLD. I dont want him back but feels so much worse that he doesnt even want to fight after 8 years

im just lying here feeling numb with my baby on one side and my 3 year old on the other not knowing what comes next. Unmumsnetty handholds welcomed please

He wasnt nice but ive been with him since i was 18 and the constant gaslighting has made me constantly doubt myself. I guess i alwaus thought hed change - and then the kids came. Im sure itll be a blessing in the long run but i still feel devestated and humiliated right now.

That's a good technique i will do tat defintely

Really feel for you. This happened to a friend of mine when she had a newborn. She kept her dignity despite really hard circumstances. Made him move out and did make him have 1 night during the week and every other weekend plus pay maintenance. She said she needed those weekends to rebuild her life. She has rebuilt her life and now a few years later has a new boyfriend and a brilliant life

I just dont know how it would work if im exclusively breastfeeding? The reason i didnt buy the bottles.is because i knew bar the initial novelty bottle hed never give him one anyway cause hes lazy so i didnt want to spend MY money on bottles - in a way i was testing how badly he wanted to develop that relationship aftwr whinging last time that the reason he didnt bond was the breastfeeding.. and hes 11 weeks so still feeding every couple of hours

I knew he didnt care, didnt know where the money was really going though!

Hes now messaging me to ask to facetime her. I know its for the best etc etc but my god i want to protect them from that vile human

Aand also for anyone who has ever had to pump - the time and energy for such little output when the other person isnt even bothered just wasnt worth me trying to push him into it.

I hear you on the pumping. I've bf 2 dc and never really pumped. It's a massive faff!

As baby is so young and is contact can only be little and often for now, an hour or two here and there.

Are your family supportive? If so I think my priority would be to move nearer to them as quickly as possible. I would get legal advice on Monday about moving and get going as quickly as possible. Does your older child start school this year?

Yep and a year ago today we bought our first home next door to the primary school. Im desperate to keep this house as she is so rattled by change and shes gone from new baby, starting preschool, mum on maternity, leaving her childminder of 2 years and now a divorce. If she has to lose that house cause of that prick 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

Im gonna see a solicitor on monday, i know who he was shagging so im planning to name her on the divorce petition - will i need her address?

Are you happy staying in the area you are in now long term? Or would you prefer to be nearer your family? Only I suspect if it it's the latter you would be better off moving in time for her to start school in the new area? Plus you could use your mat leave to look for another job.

I know it would be more disruptive in the short term but hopefully in the long term it would mean more stability.

It's shit all round, no getting away from that. Hopefully the solicitor on Monday can help with setting out your options.

Oh lovely, I am so sorry. Now should be the time in your life when you ar most supported. You are clearly an amazing mum as your thoughts are all for your kids and you are a strong person too with how firm you are being about moving on from this. Get all the financial information you can and hide it away somewhere safe (preferably in someone else's house). Don't worry too much about 50/50 custody. He doesn't sound the sort to be able to hack it. T
You couldn't do it as long as you are breastfeeding anyway. He sounds to me more like the sort who will bitch and moan about the fact that you have made it impossible for him to have 50/50. That way he gets all the kudos for wanting to be a hands on dad without the actual inconvenience of being a hands on dad. Oh and I breastfed (still am at over 2 years old) and DH bonded with our DD by spending hours every evening walking her up and down rocking and cuddling her to keep her asleep while I got a decent sleep in before the night time feeding frenzy started. DD absolutely adores him and she is his world. So his bollocks about breastfeeding is nothing but a good excuse not to have put effort in. Which is why I am sure that he will pull a similar stunt over custody.

Nothing to add except that I'm so sorry you're going through this. Life will be better eventually. He's no loss.

Oh, they all say they will go for 50/50 to try and intimidate you, but if you turned around and said, "Actually, dividing the work and responsibilities would be really helpful". They'd shit their pants.

It's just a tactic to you guessing and scared.

• to keep you guessing and scared.

Firstly, I’m sorry that your husband is an absolute shit.
Secondly one day you will look back on this time and realize that this is was the turning point where your life got better.
Thirdly (and is the point of my post) your children will be ok. My kids have been through a lot of change in their short lives. In the past 5 years we have lived in 2 countries, 5 different houses, husband working away for a year, living with grandparents etc, changing pre schools, nurseries, schools etc. phew! But I have always been there for them and remained their constant. I have always reassured them that mummy will always be there for them.
In the long term it might be easier being nearer to your family for emotional and practical support. Obviously you don’t need to make a decision on this just yet.

Its truly his loss and one day he will realise. You on the other hand will be fine! Its a massive betrayal I know but I think you can do much better than him.

You will settle into a new routine. I know you are bf but you must find a way for him to look after the kids alone which will hopefully help put him off fighting for joint custody when he realises the hard work required. I often think they want 50/50 just to reduce maintenance.

Get as much legal advice as you can and stay in the house.

You dont need her address to name her on divorce. I didnt need bunnyboilers address when i named her on mine. There is life after divorce. My exh did me the most enormous favour, life is so much better now!

He sounds a right arse. In a while you will look back at him from your new happy life and think thank his no longer with him.

But in the meantime I think youve had good advice from others on getting copies of financial information like bank statements, wage slips, p60s etc, squirrel your own cash away in another account so he can’t find it etc.

Do a credit check in your own name and see if there is anything on there he may have opened in your name or taken hp on that you don’t know about.

Have a look on citizens advice and womens aid pages online to see if there is any advice there that helps with next steps and make an appointment with them if you need to Possibly followed by an appointment with a lawyer.

If he asks for 50:50 agree with the pp that the response is that’s great you sharing half all the child stuff (she put it better than me!) as he will suddenly shit his pants at the amount of work that will involve.

If he never watches them perhaps get him to do that so he knows what’s involved and how knackering it is. Perhaps let him do so for a whole day (not the bf baby though obv they could only do an hour or so without you but absolutely make him step up and do that another time) while you go out somewhere. Hopefully after doing this a few times that will make him ‘reluctantly’ agree that 50:50 is not doable and save a bunch of angst fighting for something he will not want/do properly but thinks just now that he does want that. A couple of days is enough going forward. And as another poster said it gives you time to yourself, even just to tidy up, yoga, shopping, coffee with friends etc and rebuild your life. Which will be better than before. You’ve dodged an arsehole shaped bullet.

And as well as all the advice you've been given above, don't be tempted to protect his reputation with his friends and family. Tell them exactly what he has done. You might be surprised and his mum may be a good support to you.

What a fucking shit. This time 6 months down the line you will be so much happier and better off. You say yourself that the house is happier without him in it. Hold on to that.

In your shoes, I would sell the house and move back nearer my parents.

I feel your pain , I’m going through the same fix I’ve myself . I understand and where your mind takes you on those early hrs . Your kids him for what he is , and one day you will realise you and your kids are a special
Gift .

Look after yourself and be kind to yourself . You are worth more

I am happy staying because its best for them. I used to get on really well with his mum so hoping i can salvage that relarionship as she has a great relationship with my DD. I also didnt realise how many friends i had until the last 24 hours and how much he restricted my ability to see my friends - they can come over whenever now! And i can arramge playdates!

I went for a run earlier and did some yoga and sent him a final text detailing exactly what i thought of him and his shitty behaviour and giving him a few home truths. I feel a million times better for that. I know its going to be better without him in the long run, its just getting there.

Also his requests to facetime dd have already stopped this evening - not even been 24 hours. Says it all really..

If i put money away in a different bank account would it not show on bank statements when i filed for divorce?

You would have to declare it as part of the divorce, it will just stop him spending it all in the meantime and leave you money if you have something unexpected come up.

You can pay up any bills that are in your name. And buy gift cards for the supermarket. Etc.

My heart goes out to you as I have been there. Now it seems scary but in time lying there between your baby and your other child will be the best feeling in the world knowing that you are 100% there for them. What will help you get over it is time. I can honestly say you will one day realise you had a lucky escape. It may take 12-18 months but you will get there. Sending big hugs. Xx