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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating Husband - 11 week old baby

76 replies

primarywoodle · 07/03/2020 01:50

Discovered the bombshell thursday night - he denied it. Stupid twat left a paper trail on his tablet so got the evidence to confront him Friday lunchtime - he couldnt not denyit then although i suspect i didnt get the full truth.

He doesnt want to make it work, im getting the full gaslighting "we werent happy" - bollocks, hes been distancing himself from me and the kids since it started when newest baby was 5 WEEKS OLD. I dont want him back but feels so much worse that he doesnt even want to fight after 8 years

im just lying here feeling numb with my baby on one side and my 3 year old on the other not knowing what comes next. Unmumsnetty handholds welcomed please

OP posts:
NoMoreDickheads · 07/03/2020 23:45

That's awful OP Sad Hugs and handholds xxxxx

Original poster
primarywoodle · 08/03/2020 05:49

Well im going to put the kids savings in a seperate account now so he doesnt try and take more money out of their mouths.

Im just so sickened by him. I have managed to get some sleep last night though. I just want it to be over now so we can move on with our life not this limbo.

Thanks to the pp who suggested the senses mindfulness. I did that lots of times today.

OP posts:
Popetthetreehugger · 08/03/2020 06:54

Hand hold from someone with the teeshirt x 30+ years ago I was you , my DC were 5/3 and 4 months . My youngest was in hospital having a second surgery when XH left . Today is a bunting day ! Today your DC will be raised in a totally positive house. They will never see his old gaslighting as normal and either use it or accept it . If a wave of sadness comes , remind your self that your sad for a fantasy H that didn't exist . You were little more than a child at 18 ( I met H on my 18th) so don't give yourself a hard time about anything! For now , it's just a few hours at a time you need to look at , what do I need to do before lunch ? Tea, bed? Make a master list of things that will give great satisfaction as you cross off . Legal advice, getting every last thing of H out of house .enlist help and get bedroom painted and new bedding. I know , for now, somethings will have to go in a box with the lid firmly shut to do the things that need doing .when the dust settles have a look at transformational breathing , I'm just starting it and it's unpacking boxes that have been nailed shut for a bloody long time ! Your life will be better than it ever could have been

with out that dead weight ruining everyone's life . Be super kind to yourself and accept all offers of help .... your life is on the up x

ThisSistineWontScreamAtItself · 08/03/2020 12:49

My god what a pathetic excuse for a man.

He spent £15 on viagara and more on hotel rooms to fuck her but wouldnt buy bottles for his baby boy so he could have a go at bottlefeeding cause he was "too broke"

And now he wants to FaceTime a child to show he's such a good dad 🙄

What a complete arsehole.

Sorry OP Thanks

Original poster
primarywoodle · 08/03/2020 23:55

So i returned home with them today (have spent tje last 48 hours with my parents). Cleared his shit out and dumped it in his new place - its over between him and the other woman surprise surprise so now hes got a bedsit where he can smoke all the weed he wants with no nagging wife! Hope it was all worth it.

He has assured me that he isnt going to try for 50/50 and respects the fact that he cant take DS for more than a couple of hours at a time. So i suppose thats something as long as he maintains that.

I have finally had some acknowledgement from him that he treated me like shit though. But you are all so right, im grieving for the husband and relationship i thought i had not the one that was there in reality.

Will look at transformational breathing now - its awful that so many of you have been through this too. Why are there so many dickheads in the world.

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 09/03/2020 22:07

Other posters on here have given you good advice, 10years ago I was in your situation, my advice is take every day as it comes 💐

Original poster
primarywoodle · 10/03/2020 07:11

Was my first night at home alone yesterday. I naively thought id processed it all cause i felt pretty unemotional in the day (think im still a bit numb) but i just dissolved. Im so broken - all of the lies and deceit are just running round my head.

Having an affair must totally occupy your mind, so pretty much from when DS was born that twat must have been thinking about fucking this woman. She also has the same name as our first baby who was very poorly and we had to end that pregnancy - the night he bought viagra was the anniversary of her due date.

I also haemorraged in childbirth with him and stbx claimed he was so traumatised about thinking he would lose me.. LOL. I feel utterly worthless

OP posts:
Original poster
primarywoodle · 10/03/2020 07:12

As in the vile specimen he was shagging has the same name as our dead daughter 🤔

OP posts:
Doggybiccys · 10/03/2020 07:21

Sorry this is happening to you OP but you sound sensible and brilliant despite your hurt. A good tip I saw on here was to take out 20/50 quid cash back when shipping then it just shows up on bank statement as “Asda” or whatever. Good way of getting up a bit of a pool of money.

Original poster
primarywoodle · 11/03/2020 23:44

Anyone still around? I did so well pulling nyself together for a couple of days but im starting to come to terms with the deceit and lies now and realise that im now in a place where im going to be struggling to keep my head above water financially and emotionally looking after 2 kids alone and shortly working full time in an intense job again.

And he can swan off rent and bill free in his owned-outright property. The CMS calculator is a fucking joke.

All the energyt i put in to staying positive has gone. Id never do it because i love my children but i feel suicidal right now tbh. What has all the years of working to build my life and build my relationship and family been for.

OP posts:
SusieOwl4 · 11/03/2020 23:59

So sorry .if you are married though surely the property is half yours ? Have you been to a solicitor?

Original poster
primarywoodle · 12/03/2020 00:12

It is but in order to get him to agree to leave my savings alone i will leave his flat alone. Its still in probate so it wouldnt help for now anyway.

In order to release from the mortgage i have to pay a fee so its going to bring the equity down to just £944 as weve only lived there a year. His child maintenance payments wont touch the sided. Im so fucked and so are my kids by proxy. And one of them isnt even 3 months old. I feel broken.

OP posts:
Claire926 · 12/03/2020 00:22

You are a strong person. Don't put so much pressure on yourself to get everything sorted straight away. Remember there were too many negatives in the relationship. You have built up a beautiful family and it can be even better now your husband is out of the picture. Focus on the good that is going to come out of all of this.

Bella2020 · 12/03/2020 00:59

Is there any possibility you could move? To another house in the area you're already in, if you like it, or somewhere closer to your friends and family? Maybe moving away from the house that you shared might help a little.
I'm so sad to read tour latest post. I guess there will be some ok days, some bad days and some terrible days in the short term but you know the long term will be much brighter.

What a pitiful excuse for a man he sounds. You deserve someone much better and, if you want to, I hope you find that someone in time. Your kids deserve better than him, too, and I'm sure you will provide them with everything they need, physically and emotionally. Everything you've worked for, tried to build, hasn't been for nothing. Those kids love and need you so much. They will know who has been there for them. You

Doggybiccys · 12/03/2020 17:34

OP I don’t have any experience or knowledge about this but have read many threads on here about this topic. Man fucks about. Man fucks off and leaves wife/partner and DC in the shit. Man does whatever the fuck he wants while wife worries about staying afloat for DC. But there is still a feeling that it’s best for DC to keep a relationship with their dad. Makes my blood boil. Sorry I don’t have any advice but we are rooting for you and if it’s any consolation, there’s been many many threads on here from women in you position and they have got through it and come out stronger whereas their ‘D’Ps have ended up with shit lives and prospects . Flowers

Original poster
primarywoodle · 13/03/2020 03:26

Well hes playing dad of the year at the moment. Cant help but feel that if hed done this before, half the shit that pisses him off like my stress and nagging just wouldnt have existed. But i dont think he'll be able to keep it up so i know its not a true reflection of who he is

OP posts:
Original poster
primarywoodle · 13/03/2020 03:28

Alsohe admitted she smokes weed too (further evidence of her commitment to her preschool aged kids lol) and it all makes further sense.

I just wish i was a couple of months down the line already and skip this bit of the feelings

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 13/03/2020 03:49

This is a very stressful time for you, OP, but you will be so much better without that dead weight around. Your description of him reminds of an awful boyfriend I had whose only good action towards me was that he split up with me, when I didn't have the sense to split up with him.

I imagine you will be entitled to benefits now. Have you thought of going to the CAB?

SudokuQueen · 13/03/2020 09:57

See a lawyer if you haven't. I'm sure they could get you a better deal than this. How much in savings do you have and how much is the flat worth? If you have more money in savings than the flat is worth, surely you'll be fine for a few years at least? Does he have any other assets you would be entitled to, businesses etc? He should still be paying half the mortgage really because its his children's home.

SudokuQueen · 13/03/2020 09:59

I know you might want to do this by yourself, but why make it harder on yourself? Screw that evil sick bastard for every penny you can. Who cares what people think, it's the least you and your children deserve. If he is going to then struggle to survive, oh well. I doubt it though seeing as he has no mortgage on the flat.

Original poster
primarywoodle · 14/03/2020 22:29

Have got a lawyer, tbh as long as i can keep my children's house without him on the mortgage and keep my savings that i worked hard for while he splurged constantly on himself ill be happy. I dont want his flat, i just want a divorce.

Had to hand my daughter over today for the first time, she cried and didnt want to go (im sure she was fine in the day) and it absolutely broke my heart.

Hes still refusing to acknowledge that the fucking arrogant narcissistic behaviour he has displayed over the last few weeks was his own choice and has led us to this point - the fact that all of a sudden he cant see his kids whenever is all my fault and im being difficult (again - despite the fact that he didnt see them for multiple days at a time prior to last week whilst he was conducting his affair)

Cant wait for him to get bored of the kids and just fuck off out of our lives

OP posts:
RedTartanLass · 15/03/2020 23:58

You sound like a strong lady!! Keep going! You can see this through. Don't let your mind take you off down the anger and bitterness road. Try and stop it!

BusyProcrastinator · 16/03/2020 01:49

it sounds like you should let him see the kids more because he's likely to get fed up and not bother pursuing it. Let him see what work childcare is.

Brenna24 · 17/03/2020 22:32

No advice but have a hand hold from me.

probablysue · 18/03/2020 05:57

Are you sure it wouldn’t be better to move in with family until everything is more settled. It’s going to be hard to work full time with small kids and no support system? Have you worked out the value of his flat compared to the value of your savings? Are they equal? You really need legal advice before agreeing to anything. It doesn’t make sense to stay in the house if you can’t afford it.