DH unsure if he wants to be with me

[4piecesofCheeseontoast]

My DH has told me tonight he's not sure if he wants to be with me anymore. He's been feeling this way for a year. We have 2 children together and I didn't see this coming.
We've been married for 5 1/2 years, together for nearly 10. I honestly don't know what to do, I feel heart broken. I don't want this to end this way but I don't know if we can over come it. He loves this kids but feels like we are house mates now. I feel sick

Has he said why he feels this way? Has he given any solutions on how you can work things out? He needs to tell you as it is not fair for you to be guessing why he feels like this.

He's only said it's been getting worse this past year. He doesn't know why but it's got to the point he's felt he's needed to tell me but he didn't know if he wants to try to work through it or not

Nice of him to talk through some of this in the past year I hate to say it but it seems as if there may be another woman in his life .

Sounds like he's having an affair or wants to. Sorry.

Did this come from nowhere?
That sounds like he’s being cruel.
Do you think there’s someone else?

I think from now on I would just be businesslike with him, I would ask him what his plans are given that you have children together what does he want to do with regards access to them etc
I realise this sounds extreme but if he's going to say things like that then he has positioned himself as your opponent
Since....if he doesn't want to be with you the next logical step is to negotiate a separation and in an negotiation he will be trying to get the better of you ...so he is now your opponent

He loves this kids but feels like we are house mates now

It's a common thing in long marriages with DC.

Do you still feel romantically attracted to him? Do each of you make an effort to maintain the non-parenty part of your relationship?

Yes he does know why, he's just not man-ing up and telling you. 'Unsure' is part of The Stupid Script men spill when they want out/have another woman in their sights. Has he moved on to gazing into space and self-diagnosing himself as depressed yet?

Don't stand for the limbo of 'unsure' or 'don't know' and all the whinging he's going to assault your ears with regarding his 'uncertainty' ie, trying not to look like the bad guy before he opts out into the sunset. It's no way to live.

Don't let him mess you about. Tell him he DOES know why so be honest and tell you. You need to know where you stand. In the meantime you are best off secretly getting legal advice in case he does swan off. & make sure you have copies of important financial documents.

He ... feels like we are house mates now

Why do you think he migh be saying this? Is there any truth in this from where you're sitting?

He's only said it's been getting worse this past year. He doesn't know why but it's got to the point he's felt he's needed to tell me but he didn't know if he wants to try to work through it or not.

I fear that, for whatever reason, he has already detached himself from you. He is planning his getaway. It is a truth universally acknowledged that men generally don't leave a comfortable setup unless they have already arranged a cosy nest elsewhere. In other words, chercher la femme...

He has been planning this for a year, so he is miles ahead of you. His loyalties are now elsewhere. Right now he may be feeling guilty, but this won't last long. So you need to catch up. Fast!

I totally understand how devastated you are right now. But your future self will thank you if you dont fall apart right now. Nail down your finances, so he cannot swan off with your joint savings. Take copies of all financial stuff: bank statements, investments, house deeds, mortgage, salary slips, P60s, pensions etc.

Get up to speed regarding divorce:
Wikivorce
Divorce for Dummies or similar
Consult a competent family solicitor

Even if it ultimately turns out that you do not need all the above (there's hoping...), remember that Knowledge is Power. If ever you need to be strong, this is it. If you were to be a pushover, he'll pity you and rob you all the same. If you're strong, he'll respect you and you'll thrive.

Usually when people say ‘I’m not sure if I want to sort things out’ and have made no attempt to or discuss it previously, they are looking for an exit. He obviously won’t admit to there being someone else but it’s a possibility.
I told my dh I didn’t want to talk or work things out (I did not have an affair or am still not seeing anyone) but I had talked and talked and tried for a really long time. I just literally ran out of words or energy.

Coward! He’s either at the point in his plans where he wants to leave but waiting to be pushed (so as not to be the bad guy). Or, he’s at the seed planting stage because he isn’t ready to leave just yet but wants to have the bad marriage narrative in his back pocket, when he does.

So sorry you are going through this. Big un mumsnetty (((hug))) to you .
My advise would be...
Talk talk and talk some more .

Try to work out if it's just a case that he feels unfulfilled in all /some areas of his life right now ( work getting him down, not got promotion, losing a skill or hair or weird stuff that we might not care about but that he does )
If there's any way you can deposit the little ones with an aunt or granny etc so you can have time to properly go through everything and give this the attention it deserves .

Hopefully it's not that he's found someone else, just that he's lost himself a bit. But until you talk it out, guessing will only cause you pain.

Agree with @wehave
Try and get some quality talk time him.

Thank you everyone, I'm still attracted to him and up until yesterday was happy and never thought this would be a possibility. I don't know if I've made him feel like this, I do everything around the house,90% child care and I've just gone back to work from maternity. We don't have much time as a couple really, as soon and the kids are in bed we have tea, watch Tele and i go up to bed. He's normally up much later then me but always has been. I have no idea how I didn't see any of this coming, I thought this last week he'd been off but I feel I've been lied to for a year.

@4piecesofCheeseontoast, I’m so sorry to read this. Please have a look at the ‘Some Friendly Words - Support Group’ thread. There are several of us women on there dealing with the same situation after lengthy marriages, some with children some, like me, without. We are kind and supportive, have a laugh amongst a lot of tears and there is lots of excellent advice. I received the same message as you, he left, and I found out that an affair had been going on for a long time. I am 6 months in and am making massive progress in rebuilding my life. You will too but you will need support. I should add that my marriage was happy with never a complaint from him until 2 months before he left. I was blindsided. Take care of yourself first because you need to be there for the children.

Having young children killed my relationship, we separated when ds was nearly 2. You don't get any time to yourselves, bickering over everything because of sleep deprivation, money worries, the slog of parenting, and your lives generally Being turned upside down. I think it takes a strong relationship to make it through the early years of kids.

This must be an awful shock op, and you must be devastated. However (assuming there is no one else) - I'm not sure why people are all slagging this man off. Yes he should have talked about this before of course, but he's being honest with the op and he hasn't just snuck off behind her back and had an affair. Sometimes people do fall out of love with someone and it can't be helped. You always read threads on here and people always say to do the decent thing and split with your partner before you meet someone else.. Isn't this what he's doing? There's no evidence he's actually done anything wrong although of course he could be lying.

I guess what I'm trying to say is we can't always help our feelings. I loved my husband so much when we got together got married and had a child. But our lives changed and our relationship changed - causing unhappiness from my end. We are now both in new relationships and much happier. It's really sad and I wish it hadn't happened that way, but it's sometimes how it goes.

I hope you get to discuss things properly op and find out if theres any way of patching this up or if he's already decided he wants to split. I think you need some practical /legal advice ASAP also.

So this all started when the second was born?

This part of the relationship is hard. Everyone is tired. Focus is now on two babies, not just one. Much harder to arrange.

It’s a pity he didn’t see past his own situation and talk to you 6 months ago.

bless you...my husband did this after 30 years together....and it is so hard coming to terms with it x if I ever do !!!!

‘I’m unhappy and I do not want to try’ screams he’s already checked out and doesn’t want to fix whatever his entitled arse feels he’s entitled to.

It takes two to fix a marriage.

All you can do is let him know that you don’t want to split up but you won’t be walked over either. He tries or he’s out.

Sounds like there's another woman. I'm so sorry OP.

What's wrong with being "housemates" at this stage of family life? 2 young DCs, what the fuck did he expect?

It's a phase, plenty of marriages get through it. He must really be stupid, I mean intellectually challenged.

What a dick, he's been unhappy for a year and never thought to mention??

It takes two people, adults who communicate, to have a proper relationship. By not communicating he has shown his weakness and immaturity.

There is lots he could have done to attempt to improve things, if he'd wanted to. But - sorry- it is likely that he's got another woman in the wings as a distraction.

@4piecesofCheeseontoast just to let you know that you CAN and WILL get through this. Don't blame yourself, it's such a cliche for men to do this. Show him your angry you are, don't be too accommodating. He's the one who hasn't been fair

I do everything around the house,90% child care and I've just gone back to work from maternity

You should be the one who is complaining!

Going back to work after maternity leave with my second child was the trigger for the breakdown of my marriage. Exh had to step up more and he didn’t want to basically.