DH unsure if he wants to be with me

[4piecesofCheeseontoast]

My DH has told me tonight he's not sure if he wants to be with me anymore. He's been feeling this way for a year. We have 2 children together and I didn't see this coming.
We've been married for 5 1/2 years, together for nearly 10. I honestly don't know what to do, I feel heart broken. I don't want this to end this way but I don't know if we can over come it. He loves this kids but feels like we are house mates now. I feel sick

“What's wrong with being "housemates" at this stage of family life? 2 young DCs, what the fuck did he expect?

It's a phase, plenty of marriages get through it. He must really be stupid, I mean intellectually challenged.”

This. It is the reality of having children, particularly young children. It puts a strain on even the strongest relationships. But mature adults can normally work through their differences on the basis that the family unit comes first.

There may well be an OW in the wings who can massage his ego because she’s not having to do the hard work of co-parenting with him. It’s very immature and selfish. It also sounds like too much of the caring has been dumped on you because you were an SAHM.

Your marriage could be retrievable if he were willing to do the work but it doesn’t sound like he is - if he were, he should have raised his concerns much sooner.

This is very shocking and hurtful and hopefully you have some RL support to help you with the pain.

When you can, be as practical as possible because when you look back on this time, you will be grateful you were. In particular, protect yourself against him draining joint bank accounts and leaving you without financial resources. As PP have said, knowledge is power.

Above all, don’t beat yourself up for his decision. Nobody is perfect. I know I can be a royal PITA at times and so can my DH. So can everyone. This is almost certainly about his inability to cope with the reality of parenting. Nothing more.

It's all too much like hard work and he laying the path for his escape.

Most men will not leave If they have nowhere to go......

Any signs of another women ? You say hes up late, do you know what hes doing?

Hes mulled this over for a YEAR....didnt think to discuss it, just laid it on you once he'd made a decision. Which he has. All this "unsure" bollocks is him being a coward and trying to let you down gently

But he hasn't. Hes just let you down. Badly.

Big hugs to you. What's the plan, do you have RL support ? X

Do not let him eat cake here, he needs to give you time and space. Do not blame yourself for his behaviours; what he has done here is no reflection on you as a person. This is all on him.

So he's been deciding for a year, when you've been pregnant and had a young baby if he still wants to stay with you? What a peach!
I have just had my third baby and it's bloody hard on relationships! As pp said, bickering over everything, no time at all to spend with each other, basically like passing ships. I would be questioning if he has somewhere else to go.

Have you asked him what he expected life to be like with two small children? Did he really think that you (who, by the sounds of it are carrying most of the mental load as well as the physical) were going to be dressing up and twinkling at him every night?

At this stage of parenting I'd say housemates is pretty much the best it gets - it's better than strangers!

But if he's 'not sure' - make him sure. Make him leave, live somewhere without the comforts of home, without seeing his babies' faces every day, without cooking, cleaning and sex. See how it likes the cold reality of being alone.

Unless he's got another woman lined up of course, but, in that case, he'll be off soon enough anyway.

Good advice by pp's, calmly ask if hes got someone else, if he has then you know you are wasting your time and emotions trying to save something, if he hasnt ask does he want to try counseling, get your point across that you are too busy in life at the minute to have your precious time wasted by anything he might be trying to hide. Be strong.

What an absolute cliche he is

Was baby number 2 planned? The timing is right for that to have been the issue.

To be fair, those of you saying this is what relationships are like, what did he expect etc, maybe he's been having those same thoughts for the last year and that's why he hasn't said anything - because it felt like it was his problem to fix.

When a relationship has broken down to a certain level, it's hard to know whether it's worth trying to rebuild it. Will he just feel pike he's forcing himself to be happy? I'd rather DP left me than feel like that.

I've read a million of this type of thread and 9 times out of 10 there is another woman waiting in the wings.

I'd tell him to sling his hook personally.

I'm so sorry for you. My ex husband said exactly the same, turns out he'd been having an affair for 6 months. Start putting a plan in place for all ur financial matters. You may need it! 💕

I think regardless if you decide to try and work through it or not you need to find out where you stand financially and to start to make plans for him leaving. See a solicitor and start to put away important documents.

Would he consider marriage counciling

I often read these types of threads and think how cruel the other person is. It can't be nice if you're feeling like this, however to announce this without deciding if you're going to try and work it out or leave is plain cruel in my book. Either tell the other person your unhappy and try to make it work or rip the plaster off and leave. This way he's almost telling you to fix it, ie do the pick me dance, or he's leaving with absolutely zero input from him.

I do everything around the house,90% child care and I've just gone back to work from maternity

Are you back FT? Time to split chores and childcare down the middle. He needs to be capable of looking after the children independently, esp if he's proposing to split up in the near future.

It sounds as if he's checked out of family life. You never know, maybe being required to do things with his kids a bit more will pull him back into the family?

Baby 2 was Very much planned for and wanted, we've had 2mc as well. My last pregnancy was really difficult, we had a lot of complications, I was on crutches from 24 weeks and had hyperemesis. He wasn't very supportive but again he never really has been. I've asked him if there is someone else but he's said no, I'm not sure I fully believe him. I would like to try marriage counseling as I feel he would open up more there than he does to me. I've seen my MIL today and she's as upset as me, had no idea also. I need to speak to him more but he's not that willing to talk. I can't live in this limbo for much longer. While I'm writing this I'm wondering what good there is left

Don't waste your time trying to negotiate with him or persuade him, he is now your opponent, you need to look after your own best long-term interests and prevent him from damaging you or exploiting you.
This is a man who has no concern for your well-being, you were pregnant and suffering and he treated you with contempt, he is your opponent you need to protect yourself from him.

So:

-He didn't support you through your difficult pregnancy
-He does nothing around the house and practically no childcare
-He's checked out and he doesn't want to talk about it

Maybe you should see this as a way to get rid of someone who isn't adding much to your life? It must be devastating but it doesn't sound like a good relationship at all.

So don't live in limbo. You be the one who makes the decision. He's dropped this bombshell on you and seems to be asking you to fix it for him without doing any of the work himself. Really, it sounds like he's already moved on – so move him on physically. You've been through difficult times and you've already carried practically the whole burden so, from a practical perspective, you know you and the DC will be fine without him. He may even parent more if you are separated and the children are spending some of the time with him. In your shoes, if this were my DH, I think I would be insisting he finds somewhere else to live (at least for the time being) because I would find it too difficult and painful to have him in the house with me. Yes, you may feel like you're pushing him into the arms of another woman (assuming there is an OW and it does sound like there is) but he's taken the journey away from you and his family already – that's on him, not on you however he might try to spin it. Personally I would want the certainty and energy that would come from decisive action.

I'd be asking him to find other accommodation whilst he makes up his mind what he wants do. Generally he won't realise what he's about to lose unless you make him feel it. If he enjoys it or there is another woman, then so be it, it was the right decision.

Unless it’s s toxic relationship, men generally don’t leave their wives unless there’s another woman involved!

It does seem that all the threads like these end up in the discovery of another woman. Unfortunately.

Don't take this shit OP. He's said he's unsure if he wants to be with you?

Stop cooking for him, cleaning for him, leave the kids with him this weekend and bog off out somewhere.
If you cook dinner for yourself, don't do for him.
That might sound childish to some, but he wouldn't continue to enjoy these perks of his marriage if I was in your shoes.

I would take this decision out of his hands and think long and hard about whether you now want HIM. Why does he get to be the decision maker for YOUR future? After this, can you ever really go back to the life you had? Minimally, I would be asking him to look for alternative accommodation and tell him that going forward, you recommend you start putting things into place for a separation. Maybe once he realises you aren't going to be laying in bed wailing for the loss of him, but actually, you will put your big girl pants on and crack on with raising your family, he might see what he has to lose. By then it may just be too late!

I’d ask him to leave while he decides what he wants to do. Why should he have the home comforts?

@sleepyhorse is right. Brace yourself, it is highly likely there is someone else. @LannieDuck has the right idea too, split childcare fairly down the middle so he gets realistic about his responsibilities before he makes decisions that are really hard to get over or reverse.

He's come back tonight and said he doesn't know what to do, I've asked if he wants to work things out and go to marriage counseling but he said he doesn't see how it will help. So there's my answer sadly, the happy marriage I thought I had a few days ago was a complete lie.
We own our house, I work part time, him full time. I don't know what's going to happen, is the only home my children have ever known. I feel lost

He's staying at his mums from tomorrow night, he says he will be there for the children and wants this to be amicable.
Even if he changed his mind now to want to work in it I don't think I could, I can't see a way back from this now, he's pulled our family apart.

Well time for him to step up and have the DC overnight etc and share the parenting load to give you time and space to deal with it all.

I guess likely options is he is either having an affair, missing the single care free life, or feeling utterly neglected as you've been doing 90% of the work...

He needs a harsh dose of reality very very quickly.