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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH unsure if he wants to be with me

87 replies

4piecesofCheeseontoast · 06/03/2020 00:08

My DH has told me tonight he's not sure if he wants to be with me anymore. He's been feeling this way for a year. We have 2 children together and I didn't see this coming.
We've been married for 5 1/2 years, together for nearly 10. I honestly don't know what to do, I feel heart broken. I don't want this to end this way but I don't know if we can over come it. He loves this kids but feels like we are house mates now. I feel sick

OP posts:
sunshineANDsweetpeas · 06/03/2020 21:16

He needs a harsh dose of reality very very quickly

This

Stella8686 · 06/03/2020 21:22

I'm so sorry to say this OP but I was in a similar situation. It came out of the blue (one offhand comment previous about not being happy) we had a small child so I thought he'd realise it was natural for 'us' to lose ourselves a bit with our first baby.

He had been growing close with a female work colleague. He left went to his mums. He was living with her 2 months later.

Ask your MIL if he's at hers regularly on the evenings. Also if he's been more secretive with his phone.

I'm sorry to put it out there but guys who 'just don't feel it anymore' are they wanting to be alone and take time by themselves or are they already planning their new 'single' time with someone in mind?

EmotionalFlood · 06/03/2020 21:48

Haven't read the whole thread, responses seem pretty cynical, he isn't happy therefore MUST be having an affair. Eye roll.

I felt like this last year in my relationship, house mates as opposed to being romantically involved. Didn't say something when I should and it ended in a sad discussion. We made time for each other, romance and dates. Long term relationships can become a little stale, especially if you aren't making time for each other? Try and sit down, have the discussion of where you want to go and options? A holiday just us two did us wonders and I wonder how I ever felt like that now? Talking is the first step.

EmotionalFlood · 06/03/2020 21:55

Equally if you don't want to carry on after this or he drags this out and won't have a discussion, you may have to force his hand and make the best decision for your MH and your future/children's future. Thanks

Wineisafruit · 06/03/2020 22:05

Exactly the same story as mine. To the letter. There was someone one else. There always is.

I’m seven weeks in and hurting a bit less everyday. I don’t cry but you will feel like shit everyday.
I’ve sold the family house and started the divorce proceedings. If he wants out then crack on. This will be his new reality. Get money and a solicitor sorted ASAP. Take control, as hard as that is.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Some men are such turds they don’t deserve their families. I can promise he will live to regret it, if only for walking out on his children.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 06/03/2020 22:11

If he is throwing in this grenade but refusing to take control or decide anything, you had better step tho the plate and take charge

What do you want?

Stella8686 · 07/03/2020 01:05

@EmotionalFlood if my husband had talked to me (properly) we'd still be married. You felt that way and talked

OP's DH dropped the bomb and left. It's different. He's not trying to make it work ( by the sounds of it) I would have talked to my ex and explained it was a stale phase.

It was too late he was gone. The talk of not being happy, lost the love is true but is he trying to fix it or has he ran away. And if he has ran off is he now single and free or 'have fun'

Men very rarely leave and stay single for long.

I was single for 2 years after he left he didn't make 2 months. He was probably with her before he left

Pinkybutterfly · 07/03/2020 09:30

I'm so sorry op. Don't know what to say.. that man is a prick. I don't understand why people don't communicate earlier. You will be ok op xxxxxxFlowers

Ninkanink · 07/03/2020 09:41
Flowers

Tbh if my DH said he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be with me, I’d be making that decision really easy for him. He’d be asked to leave and I would get on with things by myself.

dingdang · 07/03/2020 16:09

I'm sorry to hear what has happened but felt compelled to respond. This is exactly when my ex husband said to me. It's cowardly and cruel to leave you in limbo like this. So take the decision from him and be in control of your own destiny. It's hard and especially when it feels so out of the blue and after the difficult time you have had, but this is an opportunity to make your life better.

I've split from my ex three years ago. He's had to step up in regards to looking after our daughter, and actually we have a decent friendship. This has taken time and I do still have moments where I'm frustrated with him but actually it's pretty good.

Take care of yourself and your children. I hope you can get some rest and thinking space.

Original poster
4piecesofCheeseontoast · 07/03/2020 16:57

I sat down with him again last night and I said we either try to work it out or we don't. I asked him what he wanted to do and his response was 'i can't see what would help' I've suggested marriage counseling and spending more time together, we were meant to go away for the weekend in a couple weeks without the children but he doesn't want to. He's completely emotion less when he talks to me, he hasn't even said he's sorry. I think he has someone else in his sights, the more I think about it the more is making sense.
I gave him the option of working through this multiple times but he has no intention of it. I now need to see what I can do with regards to our house we own and maintenance. I'm still in shock from this all but I'm starting to look in to how I start my new life with my children

OP posts:
UYScuti · 07/03/2020 17:05

i can't see what would help
it's as if he is saying I no longer want the post of 'adult' I resign, you sort it all out.
As hard, painful and insulting as this must be for you please be strong and move forward with your own life, do what's best for you and your child. If he wants to just give up and drop out that's on him.
Stop considering him, he is no longer on your team, no longer in your inner circle.

katy78 · 07/03/2020 17:30

Without a doubt there is someone else.

PurrBox · 07/03/2020 18:04

There is always someone else.
If there were no one else, he would be torn up by this, desperately looking for a way to fix the problem. he has been creating emotional distance between you inside his own head because he is thinking about someone else.

I am so sorry OP.

dingdang · 07/03/2020 18:05

My ex was exactly the same. It was like he had to be angry at me to detach and end the relationship. It was cruel and I had to take control of my own destiny for my sanity. It's really horrible, especially when it's out of the blue from your point of view. I had to take a hard line and say, ok, it's over.

RandomMess · 07/03/2020 18:19

Please ensure he does parenting at the weekends including overnights, basically ensure the DC maintain a relationship with him with the bonus of cramping his style...

Perhaps there is an OW that believes you are separated and a weekend away without DC would have blown that apart...

AnyFucker · 07/03/2020 19:03

we were meant to go away for the weekend in a couple weeks without the children but he doesn't want to

I would read that as he doesn't want to "cheat" on the OW

BunnyandBee · 07/03/2020 20:01

@4piecesofCheeseontoast just wanted to post to add some words of support to what you're going through. My 'd'h did this to me just over 2 months ago. Could've written your post to the letter too.
Sadly there is another woman in our case. He was 'unhappy' for at least the last year. Never thought to mention it, but was happy to seriously talk about having more children and book a holiday with us.
I sincerely hope there is no other woman, but if there is it just adds to the weight that your DH has been selfish and immature to dump this on you. Although it hurts like hell, you will, with time come to realise that you deserve more than this.
It's good that he is moving out. You need space to see the wood from the trees.
Be kind to yourself, enjoy your lovely children. Get yourself some counselling even if he is not wanting to. It has helped me hugely to begin to grieve and work through all those difficult emotions. Flowers

Mum45678 · 07/03/2020 20:27

Oh yes, sounds desperately familiar Hmm. DH wasn't happy, hadn't been happy for ages. Neglected to mention the emotional and then psychical affair he had been having for months, even though I had been asking him for months why he was so grumpy, then asked him flat out if he had feelings for someone else (I even knew who it was). Finally came out with it 1.5 months later. Not before I'd pick me danced that whole time, turning myself inside out with the shame and embarrassment that I'd been a terrible wife. I kicked him out and he spent another month and a half playing the pick me dance and going to "counselling". He moved back in, only to leave again 2.5 weeks later. Our two children were utterly devastated.

That was a year ago now. I have the children 6 days a week and half the holidays. I got the house and the car in the divorce settlement and the right to relocate to my home country should I choose to. I got a nanny and went back to work full time for the first time in 7 years. A few months ago I met someone who is both younger and better looking than my DH Grin. We are all thriving, although we have our moments.

He told me he is suffering from mental health problems and is still with the OW. My children told me "Mummy, you are much prettier than her" which is petty but I'll take it. My children and I worshipped the ground that man walked on. Life with two kids was hard but I was 100% dedicated to him and then he pulled that shit on me.

There was genuinely times where I contemplated suicide because I didn't think I could cope with it all but I came through it. Be kind to yourself, do whatever you need to do to get through it. I have great faith that you too will be thriving soon enough.

If it turns out that he is having an affair, get yourself to chump lady.

katy78 · 07/03/2020 20:42

I would stop suggesting marriage counselling. See here: www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

Stella8686 · 07/03/2020 21:18

So so many women with this story. I wish I had had Mumsnet 6 years ago when this happened to me.

It was textbook. I spent ages thinking he was having a midlife crisis and would come to his senses.

There was of course another woman

And he spent nearly a year going between me and her 'not knowing what he wanted, bring unhappy' I had an idea he was cheating. We weren't being intimate he'd left and come back. I was half trying for closure

Then it all came to light and it was the easiest decision to kick him out for good. Leaving me and my 1 year old to pick up the pieces.

We have a good relationship now for DD took a while to get there. He also has a good relationship with DD that also took a while to happen. He's still with OW they were on and off for a while at the start.

He has begged for me back before
BIG FAT NO.
That felt good!

BunnyandBee · 07/03/2020 21:45

AHH I have come to love chumplady.
And just to make clear from my previous message, I recommend accessing counselling for yourself and yourself only to talk this all through...joint marriage counselling should only be attempted if he is leading the charge and desperate to do everything to improve and save the marriage. And, if he does go down that route, after all this, make sure it is something you want to do too. It's perfectly reasonable for you to say no after everything he has done.

UYScuti · 07/03/2020 22:26

Love chumplady
me too ♥️♥️♥️
thanks to the poster who posted the link, I've just been over there reading her recent stuff and it feels so goood😊

Original poster
4piecesofCheeseontoast · 08/03/2020 22:37

So today he finally admitted that he does want someone else, timing all fits perfectly with when her last relationship finished and when he says he started to think like this. There's nothing there when I really to him, it's honestly like talking about something really trivial. He just doesn't care. He seems to be wanting to be a good dad for the DC - at the moment anyway. I can only hope he will be a good father. He's taken some things and gone to his mums now. Citizens advice tomorrow for me.

OP posts:
youreajetalltheway · 08/03/2020 22:54

Aww, how disappointing to find that he is just the stereotypical cheat most people on this thread predicted. Please don't try and talk to him, he is not your friend and has had time to check out of the marriage so he is well ahead of you. He's also been giving himself permission to cheat by making his home life seem far worse than it was in his head, he is effectively a programmed robot right now. Please keep your dignity and follow the amazing advice up thread. I'm so sorry for you Thanks

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