BF hides phone, suspected potential cheating

[Llamalaura]

I'm new but really hoping someone can make sense of this if I'm being paranoid or not, I'm at my wits end with the stress of it.

My BF (28) and I (29) have been together for 14 months but a year "officially".

Early on in the relationship I found him doing things on IG that I just don't find appropriate or respectful if you're not single, liking provocative photos and following so many half naked girls and screenshotting their bikini photos to use as he doesn't watch porn (not celebs or IG models, that wouldn't be as bad, but just normal girls). He said he'd stop. He didn't, I caught him again and he said he'd stop.

He's become so protective of his phone, doesn't let it out his sight, takes it to the toilet and shower, has it facing down at all times when I'm around and even locks the screen and puts the phone down if I've walked back in the room or glanced in the screens direction.

I asked to use his phone to post a photo on his IG instead of mine and he put his password in where I couldn't see then hovered over me the whole time, but I did manage to catch a quick glimpse at his gallery, I noticed a few photos of his ex and a few selfies of him posing in the mirror, selfies that he's never sent to me...

He tells me he loves me, he's given me a key to his flat and I stay over a lot. He treats me to dinner and cinema etc, but I can't shake that something is going on. Maybe not full on physical cheating, but something, emotional/micro cheating perhaps and I feel sick with it.

**TLDR, boyfriend of a year has become very protective of his phone, doesn't let it leave his sight. Follows hundreds of half naked girls on IG, screenshots their bikini photos to "use" as he doesn't use porn. Won't open messages or scroll IG/FB in front of me.

I know every one is entitled to their privacy even in a relationship but the fact that he's so secretive with his phone and I wouldn't be able to freely pick it up to check something concerns me. I leave my phone lying around and I've told him my password before when I've asked him to reply to a message for me.

Any advice on how to approach this? Am I jumping to conclusions?

My ex was the same. He had plenty to hide.
It does sound like there's something there he's desperate for you not to see.
I don't know what to say.
Mine was in the days before passwords, or I'd never have managed to catch him.
If you picked up his phone to Google something, what would he do?
I'd try that, I think, then take it from his reaction.

I wouldn't really be able to pick up his phone because it's in his pocket at all times, or he sits it right next to him on the couch with the screen face down.

In past relationships we've both just freely used each other's phones with no worries whatsoever so this is alien to me.

I have asked to Google something once, said my phone was being slow. He didn't just pass me it and give me the password, he asked what it was for, then put the password in himself and watched what I was typing. The screen timed out and locked every minute so I had to keep asking him to put his password in, instead of him just telling me what it is.

How did you bring it up to your ex? Did you ask based on the secrecy or did you know for a fact he was up to something?

Sorry to be blunt but it's very obvious he is cheating - I am not sure what bringing it up will achieve because he clearly won't let you see his phone (unless he has time to delete everything) and he will just deny. He's a cheat, no trust, leave him x

I mean honestly I don't know why you're putting up with it. Everything you are saying is clearly not normal or ok and you're being a bit of a doormat! Stand up for yourself and leave

It's blatant OP.

Whilst sat next to him or in the same room I would text him.
‘Hi, I’m texting you as it seems the most precious thing in your life is your phone. As there are clearly 3 of us in this relationship I would like to break up. ‘
See what his reaction is. He will either give you his phone to check ( in which case you’ll know for sure) or he will accuse you of being paranoid and not show you his phone (in which case you will also know for sure).

Yet another woman describing overt cheating and looking for reasons to excuse it

Sad

I know it seems obvious, that's why I'm so upset.

But then I look at the other things, he takes me away on holidays, I've met his family, I can go to and stay over at his flat whenever I want and he agreed to go to couples councelling when I asked. He's stayed during all the hard times and tried to work things out the best he can. We spend a lot of time together so I don't think he's physically cheating. Emotional cheating is bad too but maybe he doesn't see it that way?

It doesn't make sense. Am I being stupid?

Couples counselling after a year? That alone should have you running for the hills.
That aside, he’s cheating on you. Don’t be so desperate as to overlook this.

Honestly, I’m speaking from experience. What on earth could he have on his phone constantly which you can’t see. Even if it were a surprise, that would only account for a very short time usually. He’s been caught out twice before.
Just ask him. You will know from his reaction. If he walks off and then brings his phone back, he’s deleted stuff. But even if he does ( as my ex did, he’d do it in a blind panic and I’d always find stuff)

Couples councelling because we both have issues with communicating in a healthy way, I thought it was better to deal with it sooner than later. It has improved things a bit

I think he uses IG/Snapchat as porn, instead of actual porn as he's said he doesn't like porn and uses photos instead.
Maybe he's hiding his phone because his feed is full of girls and he knows I don't like it. As opposed to actually cheating?

My ex did the same behaviour and turned out to be a lying, cheating, womanising porn addict who left me and our baby for his female friend. I saw loads of signs when I first got with him as he had another female friend who he was close with but he used to constantly gas light me with his lies, tell me she was like a sister to him etc. Turns out they were sh#gging each other.

He's hiding something and he sounds like a sleaze who is too focussed on other women instead of you. Tread carefully, this could lead to a heartbreak.

Yes. You are being stupid.

You can't turn a pig like this into a prince by the sheer force of your will.

Are you sure he doesn't like porn? Have you expressed a disliking to it and he's maybe covering it up?

No I told him I watch porn and I'm fine with it. The first time I found photos on his phone he eventually admitted, and was embarrassed about it, that he uses photos as he doesn't watch porn.

@RLEOM I'm sorry you had to go through that. How did you find him out?

You've known who he is from the beginning, and he's proved it over and over again. If you think this man will change, then yes, you are being stupid.

Stop wasting your time. You've already wasted 14 months.

You’re being an utter fool. You’ll look back and cringe one day that you let this guy run rings around you. He’s completely disrespecting you, your relationship and your feelings, why are you letting him do that?

It's so easy to say that when you're not the one involved, I know I'd probably say the same things.
But it's obviously hard when you love someone.

I want to give this one last chance, to ask him about it all and give him the chance to tell me everything that's going on or why he's acting suspicious.

How do I go about doing that without it turning into a fight? I'm not interested in fighting and shouting, I want an adult conversation or i am out.

You're just going to let him get away with it so why bother confronting him? I can't believe you are happy to let someone cheat right in front of you - so sad

All this wasted energy and emotion for a man you don't and can't trust. He is blatantly deceptive right in front of your eyes and that's still not enough for you to leave him. Sad doesn't even begin to explain it.

You want him to tell you about the women he is chasing, the wanking, the secret illicit sex meet ups? Um, why?

give him the chance to tell me everything that's going on or why he's acting suspicious

You are being manipulative. It has been obvious from the outset what he is like but you keep instructing him on how to behave like a different person so he is suitable for you.

You have been together for a year and you are writing about how you have stuck together through hard times, going to counselling and communication problems. FFS. You should have dumped him months ago. You are acting like you have been married for ten years and this is out of character, not one year and is absolutely 100% his character.

Because I don't want to just throw 14 months down the drain, especially as I don't actually have any proof he is cheating. We spend almost all the time together apart from when he's at work so I don't think he's actually cheating, cheating. Maybe just borderline red flag behaviour that if it is "just" that, I'll explain it's not okay with me and either he stops or we aren't compatible.

However my gut feeling might be completely right, you all might be completely right but I won't know until I talk to him. Whether he admits to cheating, or desperately tries to explain his way out of it, I'll have my answer.