BF hides phone, suspected potential cheating

[Llamalaura]

I'm new but really hoping someone can make sense of this if I'm being paranoid or not, I'm at my wits end with the stress of it.

My BF (28) and I (29) have been together for 14 months but a year "officially".

Early on in the relationship I found him doing things on IG that I just don't find appropriate or respectful if you're not single, liking provocative photos and following so many half naked girls and screenshotting their bikini photos to use as he doesn't watch porn (not celebs or IG models, that wouldn't be as bad, but just normal girls). He said he'd stop. He didn't, I caught him again and he said he'd stop.

He's become so protective of his phone, doesn't let it out his sight, takes it to the toilet and shower, has it facing down at all times when I'm around and even locks the screen and puts the phone down if I've walked back in the room or glanced in the screens direction.

I asked to use his phone to post a photo on his IG instead of mine and he put his password in where I couldn't see then hovered over me the whole time, but I did manage to catch a quick glimpse at his gallery, I noticed a few photos of his ex and a few selfies of him posing in the mirror, selfies that he's never sent to me...

He tells me he loves me, he's given me a key to his flat and I stay over a lot. He treats me to dinner and cinema etc, but I can't shake that something is going on. Maybe not full on physical cheating, but something, emotional/micro cheating perhaps and I feel sick with it.

**TLDR, boyfriend of a year has become very protective of his phone, doesn't let it leave his sight. Follows hundreds of half naked girls on IG, screenshots their bikini photos to "use" as he doesn't use porn. Won't open messages or scroll IG/FB in front of me.

I know every one is entitled to their privacy even in a relationship but the fact that he's so secretive with his phone and I wouldn't be able to freely pick it up to check something concerns me. I leave my phone lying around and I've told him my password before when I've asked him to reply to a message for me.

Any advice on how to approach this? Am I jumping to conclusions?

Whether people agreed with me that it's suspicious behaviour or I'm just being insecure, my plan was to always talk to him about it

@TorkTorkBam yeah you're right actually. With the exception of the manipulative bit. The first time I found half naked photos on his phone, we were booking a holiday on his phone and he accidentally hit clipboard and up came screenshots of girls in bikinis. I wasn't snooping. He said sorry and it won't happen again. Then it did happen again and I said if he wants to do that fine but not with me, he agreed to stop. I haven't demanded he change, I've told him what's not acceptable to me and he's said it wasn't acceptable and he'd stop. Clearly he hasn't.

I am intrigued. What could be the scenario in which you both have a laugh and realise you completely had the wrong end of the stick?

You threw away 14 months at the start when you ignored the physical evidence of what he is like.

Correct. But I can't go back in time so it is what it is.

I don't know, maybe he'll be completely unable to come up with anything to say, which gives me my answer. Maybe he'll give me crappy excuses and lies which will also give me my answer. Maybe he'll say he's sorry but he's not cheating, he's just doing what he was always doing and trying harder to hide it. Which still isn't okay with me but I won't know any of this until I ask. I think a person deserves to know if they've been cheated on or not.

What you deserve and what you get from cheaters are not the same.

You need the chump lady website. She's awesome.

Cake theory might help you make sense of his behaviour:

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/

Thanks, I like that article. It's just finding the courage to actually do it

Browse the rest of the site. She covers all the topics you will be interested in.

Try this one about closure and asking why:

www.chumplady.com/2019/08/you-dont-need-closure/

Well that's like a punch to the stomach. But needed

Op. You’re being a dick. Bin him.

Omg, you’re young, don’t waste any more time with him. Life is not supposed to be like this. Get rid.

OP
It doesn't matter if he takes you to the cinema, or you go out, or you have a laugh.
The ONLY thing that matters in a relationship is respect.

He's being secretive , which boils down to lack of respect. He's being dishonest, which boils down to lack of respect.

A relationship without respect is like a house built of cards: insubstantial. And you'll spend your whole life worrying

@TorkTorkBam Really good suggestion Chumplady.

Op, I’m no longer with my cheating ex so I had the misfortune of reading chimp lady and cringing at the memories of ‘pick me dance’ etc.

I think the evidence is screaming out at you. Just ask him and then walk. You won’t be satisfied with his answer. He will play the victim and you will be the unreasonable one.

Save yourself and don’t go back no matter how hard he tries. He will only want you back when there is nobody else around. Just think CAKE

14 months is not a huge amount of time
Dont hang about because of what you imagine "may be". Cos it wont. This sense of discomfort is all you will ever have. Not being able to relax around him. Feeling constantly unsure of what hes up to. Then asking him to be honest and getting an answer you are sure is a lie but cant prove and then going rlind and round in your head. Wanting it not to be true and not sure if it is. Changing your own belief system in the hope it makes everything ok and still not getting close to what should be a happy and stable relationship.
And this is only 14 months?
Why dont you just trust your instinct and believe what you see because anything he tells you is bullshit.
What do your friends say?

I can only speak for myself, but I’ve left situations far worse than this, whether that be because of their behaviour or the length of time (14 months isn’t much, really), I know how hard it is to leave someone you love, but I stand by what I said. You’d be a fool to let this go on. You’re ‘throwing away’ 14 months now, but when this raises its head again (which it will!) in a year, it’ll be even worse won’t it? And let’s be honest, you knew he wasn’t trustworthy from the start.
As for asking him well he’ll lie, of course. Why would you even waste your time? I know it’s tough but you’ll be so glad you got rid of him when you look back.

So you’ve told him what is and what isn’t acceptable to you, but you’re wanting to give him another chance? 🤔

You can tell him til you're blue in the face what he needs to do to keep you but while you're still in his life, why should he believe you?

Read up on the sunken cost fallacy. 14 months is nothing. Just dump him. Don't explain, don't seek an explanation. Just go.

@Llamalaura

1. If he's got naked photos to wank to, he will definitely be looking at porn. If you were unhappy with the pictures, he certainly wouldn't confess to porn, and if he's lying from the start, get rid. Honestly, nothing good comes from dating a liar.

1. You can't change his behaviour. You've asked him nicely, he promised not to, he did it again. He happily went against your wishes.

1. Hiding his phone and being awkward with passwords etc is a clear sign he's up to no good. Please, listen to the signs and your gut. Don't be fooled by him because he will try and water it down, and he might even beg and plead that he won't do it again - more fool you if you believe him. A lack of loyalty leopard doesn't change its spots. Trust me.

I wish I'd listened to my gut on the second date and every date after that. Signs that he was only out for himself and cheating were:

Me falling over and face planting the floor and him not helping me up, just stood and watched (sounds small but it summed up how he'd treat me and my feelings).

Always gelled his hair for the 2 friends he was sleeping with/wanted to sleep with.

Always cleared his google and Facebook search history (he eventually became complacent with this).

Followed over 1000 porn and normal/real women on Instagram, constantly liking their pictures (hurts more when it's a real person they could date if they wanted). I caught him a couple of times, he promised he'd stop, he continued so I unfollowed him to avoid heartache.

He would send 20 kisses at the end of a text to the first OW. Had pictures up of her around his flat, they had each others keys and would alternate weekends where they'd stay at each others. He had pictures of them cuddling up and holding hands, yet nothing was going on. 🙄🙄🙄

He started to eye up women a lot if we were out. I don't mind if I can't see but I could see and it got worse the more the novelty wore off.

He would delete messages from female "friends", making him look more suspicious.

He never had money, was selfish between the sheets and always had erectile dysfunction. I didn't realise he was a porn addict at the time so I often paid for things and tried to be understanding with sex.

He went on holiday with the first OW and the second OW in the 18 months we were together.

Lastly, when our baby was born, the 2nd OW was round every week to "visit our baby", she would flirt with him, him with her, in my face, and I'd always get, "Dont be silly, she's just a friend." He would take her baby shopping and not me, bought her a lovely picture of her holding our baby and cooed lovingly over it. They got together shortly after I walked.

Theres so much more I could add but it would take forever. My point is, trust your gut. When there's obvious signs like yours, dont waste your time. Your boyfriend is a lying asshole who is up to no good. He won't change, he will just get better at hiding things.

Can I just add that I have no problem with porn and no problem with my partner watching it, but a porn addiction is a completely different kettle of fish.

What's he like in the bedroom, if you dont mind me asking?

@RLEOM one of the things that always makes me feel shit but I thought I was being stupud is that when we're out, if I've got heels on, he always just watches me struggle go down stairs, never offers to help, just walks on.

I also have no problem with porn, is if it's an addiction that's the issue. Especially if his porn is girls on IG/Snapchat and he can access it by just scrolling through his feed.

In bed, I suppose he can be selfish. However for months now we've barely had sex, he doesn't seem interested or attracted to me at all, he says this is it true, but I can feel it.

@allthedamnvampires thanks I just read it, it makes sense. I know every one is right but it's easier said than done and hard to accept.

So you've barely had sex for months, he's secretive with his phone, you're feeling miserable, counselling has been mentioned and you've only been with him 14 months? He's not a keeper OP. Just end the relationship and don't even bother to find out the truth behind the phone secrecy, you may regret what you find..

I probably would regret what I'd find, but I don't know if that's worse than not asking, not seeing for myself and never being 100% sure that that's what was actually going on.

Chances of you seeing it for yourself though are fairly slim aren't they, and it's just going to create more drama. All he will is gaslight you, blame you and make you feel like shit. I think just ending it would be the better option, having gone through similar myself.