BF hides phone, suspected potential cheating

[Llamalaura]

I'm new but really hoping someone can make sense of this if I'm being paranoid or not, I'm at my wits end with the stress of it.

My BF (28) and I (29) have been together for 14 months but a year "officially".

Early on in the relationship I found him doing things on IG that I just don't find appropriate or respectful if you're not single, liking provocative photos and following so many half naked girls and screenshotting their bikini photos to use as he doesn't watch porn (not celebs or IG models, that wouldn't be as bad, but just normal girls). He said he'd stop. He didn't, I caught him again and he said he'd stop.

He's become so protective of his phone, doesn't let it out his sight, takes it to the toilet and shower, has it facing down at all times when I'm around and even locks the screen and puts the phone down if I've walked back in the room or glanced in the screens direction.

I asked to use his phone to post a photo on his IG instead of mine and he put his password in where I couldn't see then hovered over me the whole time, but I did manage to catch a quick glimpse at his gallery, I noticed a few photos of his ex and a few selfies of him posing in the mirror, selfies that he's never sent to me...

He tells me he loves me, he's given me a key to his flat and I stay over a lot. He treats me to dinner and cinema etc, but I can't shake that something is going on. Maybe not full on physical cheating, but something, emotional/micro cheating perhaps and I feel sick with it.

**TLDR, boyfriend of a year has become very protective of his phone, doesn't let it leave his sight. Follows hundreds of half naked girls on IG, screenshots their bikini photos to "use" as he doesn't use porn. Won't open messages or scroll IG/FB in front of me.

I know every one is entitled to their privacy even in a relationship but the fact that he's so secretive with his phone and I wouldn't be able to freely pick it up to check something concerns me. I leave my phone lying around and I've told him my password before when I've asked him to reply to a message for me.

Any advice on how to approach this? Am I jumping to conclusions?

I know, and if I seen nothing I'd know he just deleted it anyway so it's a lose lose isn't it. I think I knew what I had to do, I just asked in here because I felt like I was crazy and making a big deal out of nothing.

I was just confused by all the nice things and the good times and thought I couldn't possibly be right about the suspicious behaviour when he's otherwise so loving and kind.

@Llamalaura sometimes it's better to just leave instead of finding out the truth as you then start wracking your brains - it'll hurt more.

I'd take all the red flags and run. If he's not having sex with you and you're only a short time in, that's a really bad sign. It also means he's getting his action elsewhere, which could just be porn, but that's when porn becomes the problem. Please, listen to the ladies (and gents) on here.

I once read one of those articles where women give advice to their younger selves. One that always sticks in my mind is "leave the first time he lies to you".

He's an untrustworthy sleaze. It'll hurt for a little while but peace of mind is priceless. Get rid

If I'm honest I knew back last year the first time he lied to me that it was wrong and I then couldn't trust him. But I love him and wanted him to want to make it work as much as I did. And I'm 29, not getting any younger. I just accepted that this is what it'll be like. I know everyone is right

A lot of cheaters are loving and kind , while they are getting ready to leave you for Ow . See it in here over and over . I can’t believe he’s done this , things have been do good , etc etc . You said he’s gone off sex , that’s a red flag in itself . Not always of course , but generally things slack off in the bedroom when they are preoccupied elsewhere .
His shady phone behaviour , what’s that , taking your phone into the shower , bathroom . That’s SCREAMING. Affair . Phone face down , in case a notification comes up on his phone , hovering around you while you’re on your phone , terrified what you are going to see .
He knows you are suspicious , he’s going to have excuses if you confront him , however ridiculous , or he’ll get mad and start to deflect .
Trips to the cinema are nice , but I’d rather find someone else to go with and pay for myself , rather than be with a mug like him

@Llamalaura my ex was lovely! I'd never met someone I wanted to marry, thought he was "The One", so I ignored all the red flags, couldn't wait to start our family together, felt secure etc etc.

Because of what he's already doing, you'll forever be worried and could impact your self esteem - how much longer can you put up with that?

It already has, it's broken me, no confidence, feel worthless and like I'm not enough for him. But I suppose if it was that easy to just leave no one would stick around in a relationship where they feel not good enough. You always have that glimmer of hope that you've got it wrong don't you.

But it is that easy to leave. You have your own homes so no joint ties.

Look, he repeatedly lies to you and doesn’t want sex with you. Needing couples counselling after a year is a massive flag in itself.

You know you’re worth more than this right? Stop making excuses for him. He’s continued to repeatedly lie to you so nothing is ever going to change

Whatever the 'truth' is of the situation, the fact is what you have right now isn't good enough for you. You don't need his version of events. You get to decide what's enough for you and where your boundaries are.

I don't think you really want an explanation in the true sense. You want him to beg you to stay and be fantastic. He can do the first but he won't do the second. You know this.

Be honest with why you want an explanation. It's not really in case you've got this one thing wrong in an otherwise wonderful relationship.

Set yourself free. It is so hard I know. Been there, several times

Ok.

Don't dump him for cheating if you think you cannot be sure.

Dump him because the relationship makes you feel worthless with no confidence. You know that with 100% certainty.

I would ask him for a chat, sit at a table and say you don't like the fact he's being secretive about his phone and it's causing you not to trust him.

Ask him to open his phone and route through.

If he doesn't open, bin him

If he does open, still bin him as he's doing NOTHING positive for you, but have the closure that you were right to suspect

Sorry, it wasn't you with the six pages was it. It was the woman in the similar situation who had to call the police out because he got so aggressive when she wouldn't accept any more of his crap

He will revel in it if you ask him to show his phone etc. It shows you are desperate for him. It shows him he is right that he is god's gift. It shows him that he can do anything he likes and the ladies adore his lordship so much they will put up with the most obvious shite behaviour and seek ways to let him off the hook so they can bask in his wonderousness.

The best way to end it is like you aren't much bothered. He'll be like "No no no, I am a GOD amongst men! How dare she treat me like a mortal!"

29 is so young op. You have the rest of your life. Precious years! You're wasting precious time agonizing and hurting over this man when there could be someone out there who will never make you agonize. Put it this way, is your boyfriend agonizing over you? I doubt it and there is your answer.

It's that old adage, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time x and also actions definitely speak louder than words!!! If his words aren't matching his actions then you know what to do!

That’s a really good point @TorkTorkBam. God, I wish I had your advice a long time ago!

@TorkTorkBam , your post is spot on . You have hit the nail on the head . He wants to see your desperation to keep him . 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

Having a social media full of bikini babes is hugely immature and sleazy. This is not a prince amongst men.

Thank you everyone for your responses I really appreciate the advice.

I'm just trying decide if there's any point explaining how I feel about it all, because if he's behaving like this at 28, what could I possibly say that'll get him to realise he needs to grow the fuck up?

@BitOfFun you're right it is immature and sleazy. I don't think I can say this though as he'll just go into defensive mode.

I have a lot to think about I'm going to take a few days before bring this up to him. I need to work out what, if anything, I'm going to say.

What is the purpose of your conversation with him?

Treat it like work. What are your objectives for this meeting?

It doesn't sound like you feel comfortable saying anything

If you bring up his behaviour he will turn it back on you

What does that say about this "relationship" ?

@TorkTorkBam I like this way of looking at it actually, treating it like work. I'm embarrased to say because I see now how terrible his behaviour is but I still have this urge to try and get though to him one last time. Which is why I'm taking a few days to think before saying anything, because if this was my best friend, I know I'd be telling her to get rid of her bf if he treated her like this.

And yes you're right, anything I say is turned around and he says "It doesn't matter what I do I obviously can't do anything right", and then we end up talking about that instead of the issue.

@Llamalaura, I think you're hoping that talking to him will change things. You're going to do what lots of people do: hold onto hope with rose tinted glasses, waste another year or two until you're at the end of your tether and too damaged, leave him, spend a year recovering (or maybe less, depending on how you are with breakups), and then you'll start the dating process all over again, which can take years to find another suitable man. And by that point you'll lack trust and his damage to your self esteem will sink in, making it even harder to find someone to settle down with.

I guess it all depends if you've got years to waste and an strong ability to repair your self esteem. 🤷‍♀️

Your urge to get through to him is the urge to change his morals to be your morals. It is your last squeal of be what I want not what you are!

It might help if you realise that is rude and controlling of you. Stop. Breathe. Take the view that he is FINE with how he is. How does that change your proposed conversation?

Regardless of whether he's up to anything, this relationship is making you miserable.

That's a good enough reason to leave.

@TorkTorkBam yeah this make sense.
It's behaviour I feel is unnaceptable, while it's behaviour that he's okay with therefore we're not compatible.

I just keep thinking surely no one would be okay with this behaviour? Surely at 28 you'd realise women probably won't be happy with someone who hides their phone and keeps screenshots of other women?
I suppose I just want to feel like he loves me enough to have no desire to engage with hundreds of other women and it feels like a personal rejection when he doesn't stop it. You're right though.