DH works vv long hours and I'm fed up

[slimecentury]

He's a partner in corporate law so really it's never going to change so how do I get used to it? I go through phases of feeling so resentful and fed up. Disclaimer - I am also very aware at least he's earning well and is not down the pub etc but the issue of his lack of presence is still there.
When he's around he's generally knackered and not really here, gets grumpy with kids and not really someone I want to be around! He's just got no chat as he's so tired and he's preoccupied with work.
He generally has to work one or two afternoons at weekends too.
We have two DCs 6 and 4. One at school and one in nursery 4x week school hours. I work during these hours. I often feel overwhelm with all the stuff that needs doing. DH will help if he's around but it's very sporadic. We have a cleaner once a fortnight.
How do others manage? Lump it? Get in more help? But what? I feel like it's all the house admin I'm drowning in and the relentless daily stuff and school errands.
I also am concerned about our future. We went out recently with friends and I had such a great time and I remembered how much I love to go out and let my hair down. We never do that anymore and actually he's not really much fun to be around. Ah sorry kids calling now. Any advice welcome or tell me to just toughen up!!

If he’s a partner in corporate law can you pay for more help? Cleaner every week. Daughter in nursery another morning (which you could use for house admin). You would then feel less overwhelmed.

Same here. I now have a cleaner 10hours per week and a nanny for two short days a week when I go out and do things for me, gym, shop, cinema, lunch with friends etc. I think of it as dating my husband when he's around (not often) and include the staff as kind of family members really! I run the house with them and he visits. It must be like a hotel for him. Its not what I had imagined for my life but I'm getting used to it. We have no family near so without the help I'm seven days a week 24hours a day full on. Everyone needs a break and there had to be some perk to his salary. Also when me or the kids were sick I was really in trouble coping (I had food poisoning last year and nobody to help hold the baby while I vomited and worse for a week). This pushed me to get the staff and now I enjoy life much more!

I think the poster above has the right idea. I'm a partner in a professional partnership and work away in the week.

We make it work through employing help - cleaner and gardener - and by having a (quasi-) rule that I don't work on the weekend when I am home. I probably break that 10% of weekends - but 90% of the time I am committed to be present when I am home. It actually works better than when I was at home more, but less disciplined about keeping the weekends for home.

There's little sense being on the partnership treadmill if you don't use the rewards to make family life easier/better.

My partner works long shifts for shit pay (works on a type of ambulance) so no option to buy in help. But I was a single parent before we met and I also knew his hours before we had dd so knew what it would be like. Tbh it works well for us because it keeps the relationship fresh!

It doesn't sound like you enjoy things as they are though so have an honest conversation with your husband. Try buying in more help but come up with a few plans between you.

Is there really that much house admin? Part time work and having a cleaner should be easily doable.

He needs to make time to go out though every so often, maybe he can look at hw you use his annual leave to facilitate it.

My DH works vv long hours as well, but i don’t hate it. The differences i think are -

• i employ a nanny for 2 days a week so i can work those days. This gives me adult conversation/time away from littlies, plus she is wondrous and hoovers/cleans the bathrooms for me whilst she is here. Amazing.
• DH loves what he does, so there is enthusiasm on his side for his long hours
• despite that, DH is very aware of his absence and my childcare workload with a 4yo and baby, and tries hard to make up for it with date nights, and taking the dc out by himself at the weekend, and making an effort not to be snappy when he is tired/stressed. We are a partnership too, not just his work one. These things genuinely make a difference.

My ambition is to have enough money for a 3rd day with a nanny which i didn’t have to work on and could have genuinely to myself, but i am an introvert and find the hardest thing is no alone time. It sounds like you are more extraverted and need some quality time out with friends to recharge your batteries. You need to sit DH down and explain this and work out how to get you that, because you just burn out without it.

Hire an assistant to do the life admin and errands.

You can't change his hours so focus on the things you can change, like enhancing your life in ways that make it easier and/or make you happier.

Do you have hobbies?

Do you actually still want to be married to him? If he's boring and grumpy, why are you with him?

He must be earning enough for you to buy in more help. Weekly cleaner, more childcare.

More cleaner hours

Au pair if you have the space

Make more time for yourself

Babysitters for date nights

How much admin can there be that cant be done when hes home and actually parenting

I am a lawyer and I’m single with 2 children, 1 of them is disabled, so I do everything that he does and everything that you do. I’m very tired
Hope that gives you a bit of perspective

Thank you for the perspectives. I just don't know if it's me being shit and totally disorganised, that this is just how it is at this point in my life or whether it doesn't have to be like this and what other folk do who have similar issues. I would say I'm pretty organised at work but I just find the volume of things to do crazy sometimes. The mental load I think it's called.

I do totally get that my scenario is by no means bad so yes thanks for the checks there.

I think it's interesting how some have got a different perspective on partners having very heavy workloads ie don't feel resentful. Will work on that. I can't see his work ever changing so I'm concerned it's impacting on our relationship quite badly.

Am v tired so will think about all this tomorrow. Thanks again.

I can understand it is frustrating. But, kindly, surely when you married him you realised he wasn’t going to be in a 9-5 job? If you want the lifestyle, the long hours are what pays for that. If you aren’t both committed to that, maybe it is time for him to change jobs

I'm guessing from his hours that your husband works in the city? It's nowhere near as bad for hours outside of London, even in corporate law. Yes there are a few late nights, but on the whole people leave by 7 - or earlier if they want to see the kids then log on from home once the kids are in bed. What I mean is, it could change if he worked elsewhere, but that would come with a corresponding pay (and prestige?) cut. I think if I was you I'd either embrace his high earning and hire in extra help, or see if he'd be willing to move out of the city in the longer term.

I think you’ll come across a lot of people on here who have a less privileged life than you, so it’s time hat time, but really it’s about whether your relationship is working.
Do you feel equal? If not, how can you (together) address that? If anyone’s struggling, what can you both do to support them? Is there time for intimacy (not just sex, date nights, conversation etc)?
It’s all very well saying ‘you’ve got the money, get staff’ and they will ease the burden, but fundamentally your relationship needs to meet your needs.

*Tin hat time

Sent you a DM.

What was your relationship like before children?

Are you also working? You say you work around your kids' hours but not sure if you mean in the house.

Your frustrations are very understandable. Even if you knew when you married him he would work long hours, you can't know what it feels like until you are living it, so don't beat yourself up about that.

I'm sure you know divorce rates are very high among City law partners and I think a lot of the problems begin with your current situation.

You should definitely have more paid help in your circumstances. I'm surprised you only have a cleaner once a fortnight. How did that come about?

I am very aware of my privilege which is why I feel very uncomfortable voicing this on here. However something is going wrong somewhere with our marriage.

I knew how his hours were when we got married but I guess I had no idea of the impact of children and how that would affect it all. Before when he worked all the hours I had free time. Now I do not. Having kids has also amplified his tiredness
so he is not really firing on all cylinders anymore as he has no downtime. I am still working because I wanted to still have a part of me that was independent. It would obviously make more sense to drop all that and be a sahm but I think my resentment would increase. I often feel very trapped. Of course it's not like this all the time. He has periods of time where he's around. But I would say 90% of his life is consumed by his work. I just feel sad. I feel like I'm on a treadmill and he's on another treadmill and neither of us are going the same way!

Practically yes I will look at getting in a bit more help. I don't really want to increase childcare as I want to spend time with my kids. Thinking through all this I think it's just how I try and salvage our relationship a little bit. Maybe it's just how it is right now. We have young kids. Deal with it.

With him being away so much I kind of check out too so when he comes back i find it difficult adapting to him being around again. I want to reframe how I feel about my circumstances and try and be happy with what I have rather than be concerned we are heading for divorce.

Does he share concerns about your marriages, or know that you have concerns?

You would probably far rather have a DH who was there!

I wouldn’t be able to deal with this. I have both worked silly hours myself (and burnt out) and dated/lived with men who do (pre DC). Both were no way to live. Most people working vv long hours don’t take care of themselves (sleep, diet, exercise) and health and relationships suffer.

There are virtually no men with DC who would facilitate a wife with your H’s hours and behaviours. It’s sexist that women are expected to do so.

A particular issue seems to be that your H isn’t making much effort to be a good parent and partner when he’s home, or trying to change what he can at work, eg not working every weekend. He’s not seeking to “make it up to you” or seemingly appreciative that you are doing his share of parenting and domestic work, facilitating him to be a parent and work as though he had no DC, and WoH to boot!!

Agree with increasing the cleaner’s hours. And getting some good childcare to enable you to have leisure time with friends, doing things you enjoy, or DH.

You could go out regularly at weekends so that he has time in sole charge of the DC.

And go to couple’s counselling: expensive and difficult, but much less so than divorce. If he loves you he will make some changes to improve the situation. If he’s unwilling, would divorce.

This is not a “standard” problem of having young DC: your DC are not tiny anymore.

A cleaner and childcare will solve the practical issues, but they won't make your marriage into the one that you want. You hate him working long hours and rarely being involved in family life, and those things won't change when you are less swamped.

You two need counselling if you want to save your marriage.