DH works vv long hours and I'm fed up

[slimecentury]

He's a partner in corporate law so really it's never going to change so how do I get used to it? I go through phases of feeling so resentful and fed up. Disclaimer - I am also very aware at least he's earning well and is not down the pub etc but the issue of his lack of presence is still there.
When he's around he's generally knackered and not really here, gets grumpy with kids and not really someone I want to be around! He's just got no chat as he's so tired and he's preoccupied with work.
He generally has to work one or two afternoons at weekends too.
We have two DCs 6 and 4. One at school and one in nursery 4x week school hours. I work during these hours. I often feel overwhelm with all the stuff that needs doing. DH will help if he's around but it's very sporadic. We have a cleaner once a fortnight.
How do others manage? Lump it? Get in more help? But what? I feel like it's all the house admin I'm drowning in and the relentless daily stuff and school errands.
I also am concerned about our future. We went out recently with friends and I had such a great time and I remembered how much I love to go out and let my hair down. We never do that anymore and actually he's not really much fun to be around. Ah sorry kids calling now. Any advice welcome or tell me to just toughen up!!

Similar here. I stopped working. Probably unpopular on here but having the space to deal with the life admin, emotional “work”, child related activities and chores, school things, etc etc means we have time to devote to each other in the small amount of time that he is home and able to engage. Work is the main source of his self esteem and he is well known in his niche area so is important to him. I didn’t feel that so giving up was not such an issue.

I think you need to try to come to a place where you are not resentful as that is so corrosive. Carve out a role that makes you happy (with bought in support if that works for you) and make the most of the time that you do have together. Because what’s the alternative?

@VanCleefArpels

All fun and games until your marriage breaks down and you struggle to get back to being financially independent after many years out of work. To each their own.

Michelle Obama talks about this in her autobiography - she worked FT and did everything, with some help from her mother, and Barak prioritised work and worked away and he was unwilling to change his (lack of) contribution. She stayed married and focused on her health, wellbeing and friendships. V interesting bit of the book.

Where I live (London commuterbelt) there are a lot of SAHMs who have done what the PP did, and can understand it. The main risk is what happens in event of divorce.

This is a serious problem.
Because even if you hire more cleaners, more gardening etc, when he's home he still won't be engaged. In family life. In you. How you change that, I don't know. I'm not sure you even can.

@Fantasiaa I would argue that by taking the decision I did I have given our marriage the best chance to succeed (but then I would wouldn’t I!). I was in a similar field and I know that had we both been working those long hours we definitely would not be married today (25 years in!). Our kids are grown up and I Now have the time to work and get some fulfilment outside the home

I would struggle with this too OP. And am someone who struggles with the mental load, life admin stuff.
I'm guessing he's a v high earner, so another vote for extra help from me. Don't feel guilty about it! I can remember a very wise woman telling me the first thing most women do when she have money is pay for domestic help, which I completely agree with.
Get domestic help in whatever form suits u. (Is start with cleaner coming twice a week for 2-3hours) Then schedule in time to do something u enjoy every week. And don't feel guilty about that. I'd suspect your DH would rather work long hours & not have to deal with kids/domesticity/life admin.

. I'd suspect your DH would rather work long hours & not have to deal with kids/domesticity/life admin.

Yes yes to this. But it gets better as the kids get older and more interested in things that Dad is interested in. For a few years it dies feel like being a single parent but it definitely gets better

Do you have the space for an Au Pair?

That makes sense VanCleefArpels and can understand why women make the decision you did. I know many who have done the same.

It’s almost always the women giving up their career and financial independence though. Prioritising the relationship/family. Men are unwilling to do it.

So women take on all of the personal risk. In the event of divorce the men keep their earning power and it’s a lottery for a financial settlement, eg assets, pension. There is some mitigating stuff that can be done, eg having a personal pension.

Illness is another risk.

Have seen it work out, and not work out.

I'm a single parent of 3 DC and was a corporate city lawyer until recently.

I always tell people that I can only manage two out three: kids, relationship or career. This obviously meant that it was the relationship that went by the wayside because the kids are non-negotiable and they needed my career to support them.

In a transactional law role with demanding clients, I had neither the time nor the energy to put into all three.

Ok, so my husband and I are lawyers and work in the city (am in law firm, husband big 4), though neither of us is a partner. I work 3 days pretty full on and my husband does 5 days. We earn similar amounts at the moment - I am well paid but have to give my pound of flesh when I am in!

When I was on mat leave, I ended up doing everything and facilitating his previous role in a transactional team that had similar hours to your husband - not great, felt quite lonely not seeing him and sharing the experience of bringing up our kids. And it was very hard to make the transition back to work. My husband changed his role out of transactional work to try to be more present. He travels more and still has a decent amount of work (but a bit more flexible) and it is a juggling act, but it works.

On my 3 days my husband usually gets home to relieve our nanny at 6 (she arrives at 7.30). we double team bed and bath and have dinner together quickly and then log on separately. It can feel like ships that pass in the night a bit.

On the two days he works, I look after kids and he has a free pass if he needs one BUT when he comes home we try to spend time together after dinner.

On the weekend, we each give each other a bit of time off if we can and try to have one more romantic evening together whether in or out.

We both have quite a bit of holiday thankfully. Next week, we have each taken a day off to spend together whilst our nanny has the kids.

I am reading in your posts that you want to do as much childcare as possible, you want your husband to be around more to spend quality time with you and kids AND that you want to have romantic time with your husband. Is that right? I don't think empirically it is possible to have lots more of all of those things at once - small kids time is not necessarily romantic reconnecting time.

Others have already said that quality is what matters here - can you find a few chunks of time in the week that you can carve out of his schedule to be quality time for family or for you as a couple, even if you have to give him a free pass to stay late on other days as a quit pro quo etc? Quality is also what matters for your kids - if you have an hour for you here and there and are happier for it, that is good for them too, even if it means that someone else helps with childcare. Try to focus on quality rather than quantity. There are never enough hours in the day. For anyone.

I totally agree about the quality thing. We have always prioritised holidays for that reason. The children won’t remember snatched moments on odd days but will have hopefully nice memories of lovely holidays

I have similar issues in terms of how much DH works; I often feel resentful and feel that the rewards are not worth the cost to us. As other people have said I have found getting a cleaner and outsourcing some things to help. I also schedule in plans for us as a family to make sure we are all doing something together regularly; if I don’t schedule an actual activity he’ll see it as a free day to work. I also try to make sure I see friends and family at the weekends otherwise it can feel quite lonely

A good friends husband is in finance. He travels around 150 or more days per year and when not travelling works 14 hour days.
So she has staff -
house keeper/cook/childminder, cleaner,
gardener who doubles up as a chauffeur.

She has a very active social life and does loads of things. Does she wish she saw more of him - yes. Would she sacrifice her lifestyle for it to happen?- no!!

OP, you are not alone. Let's just say that I know this story well.

For what it's worth, my two cents would be:

1. Before you do anything else, sort out your home overwhelm. Forget feeling guilty or over privileged about it, I'm going to risk my MN neck and say that in your situation, a cleaner once a fortnight is nowhere near enough. Yes, some people have to get by with no help on terrible working hours and shit pay but you're not one of them, so don't be a martyr to the cause. It's better for your family if things are done and you have more calm to share.

1. Once you have all the domestic help for everything you can reasonably delegate, start getting organised with the things you can't farm out. YouTube / Pinterest uber-organised family systems for daily, monthly and annual things you need to do to keep everyone and everything ticking over. Basically, set aside a little bit of time each day/week/whatever to be ruthlessly productive and get everything off your plate. It will take time but it's life-changing.

1. Once you're in a better headspace and less overwhelmed, re-evaluate and consider your relationship with your husband separately. Are you feeling more sympathetic and do you more have enough breathing room to try to figure out how best to support him/discuss how to better your relationship and find solutions together? Are you still left feeling that you don't really want to spend time with him even if you could carve it out? Is it the situation or the person that's really the issue for you?

That's a very long-winded way of saying, try to separate the issues by dealing with your own stress as much as possible first and then consider your relationship once you're in a bit more of a neutral position of that makes sense?

Finally, it doesn't sound like your DH is actually enjoying his life much but it's so easy in those roles to get total tunnel vision and feel trapped by needing the money/status or not wanting to "throw everything away" that they've worked so hard for even if it turns out not to be at all what they'd thought. They also tend to be frozen and unable to see or believe that it's within their power to put some boundaries in place to make things better. Is there any sorry of mentor system or coaching that he could take advantage of to help him work through things? Big firms often have that sort of support.

Totally agree with @4OClockRock

Btw, I have a cleaner once a week. I have a nanny who does my kids' laundry/meals on her days and keeps playroom tidy. I also have a gardener in spring/summer. On my days off, I put my toddler in the crèche for 45 mins so I can swim before I taker her in. Our parents don't help day to day but I would accept if they offer.

Honestly, there is no point being a martyr.

Right, I used to work in the City as a lawyer so I get the pressures.

1. What is the point of him earning big bucks if you can't use this to make life easier. Pay for help. This will at least help you get some breathing space and headspace.

1. Talk to him. Does he appreciate how you feel? Does he even like his job? As there is a big difference between working punishing hours doing something you really like and care about and slogging away in a job that just sucks the life out of you. Perhaps he feels as trapped as you do?

As a high earner with a husband who is a SAHM, our communication gets us into trouble at times

He really resents that I'm not firing on all cylinders when I get home in the evening after a full day's work - he's been all day at home and he wants me engaged and chatty, upbeat with him & the kids, and ready to start working through whatever home project we have on the go.

I, on the other hand, am trying to catch up with the kids and do their bath/bed routine, and that's about as much as I can manage while staying in good spirits - I don't have the headspace to start making decisions on renovations or whatever at the same time.

Resentment builds on both sides - he thinks that I'm having an easy time in work and should step it up when I come home, and I feel like I can't do any more than I currently am.

Unfortunately him going back to work would create more life-hassle than the money he would make would sort out, so we're kind of stuck.

I was pretty much in your situation and now it's 10 years down the line - the kids are older.

I wish I'd got in more help. More cleaning and childcare, maybe someone to do the cooking and clearing up as well. A full-time housekeeper/nanny would not be inappropriate in your position, if you can afford it.

I still feel bitter that my husband often prioritises his work over his marriage and family. On balance he is a good guy and I have stayed with him. But this is a decision only you can make about your own marriage.

He does need a kick up the arse sometimes to make him engage with us more. I find it helpful to get us out of the house - outings with the kids, holidays, meals out together. Or scheduled times for board games etc. (This also helps with teenagers who would otherwise be shut away in their rooms.) Obviously all these arrangements create more life admin, though!

It's natural to feel resentful that he is making unilateral decisions about his life which impact on all of you.

I would also say that children grow up fast. He has effectively been an absent parent for 6 years already, by the sound of it. He only has another 6 or 7 years left of them actually wanting to spend time with him. Once they're gone, they're gone, and he is left with kids who are biologically his but feel no connection to him, because he's never put in the time and effort to build a relationship. He no doubt reckons he would walk through fire for them, climb the highest mountain etc etc. But in real life he won't even turn his phone off for 3 hours and take them out to the park. Dads like that end up with kids who don't give a shit about them, because they don't know them. He needs to think about that.

My dh was like this, it didn't get any easier until he made a decision to do something about it.

He was a senior director and was at work 24x7 even when not at work he wasn't really here. After about 20 yrs doing this he took voluntary redundancy, used some of his pay off to learn how to drive a hgv (something he always wanted to do) and he now drives a truck for a living. Difference is, he's now mid 50s, had earned enough to take the pay cut, plus we've also downsized just about everything. I may not not drive a flash car and live in a small 3bed semi, but we've never been happier. When he's at home, he's completely with us, holidays and weekends are just that, not him working and being in the same room as me.

I'd say use the money to help you whilst the dc are young, find friends and mum groups etc

Hi I’m feeling like you are. My husband is not exactly a partner in his firm but is working towards this so works extremely long hours. He leaves house at 6am and often doesn’t return till 8:30/9:00. He also does days away for work aboard. I also feel very resentful. It’s funny you mentioned about part time work as I’m thinking of this too, I also feel I need my independence.

I feel very down and depressed at the moment. I keep thinking that once all kids grown up I’ll feel better and can focus on things. Definitely keep working as this will keep you sane.

Feel free to message me

I don't know your financial situation but would you both consider downsizing and not having to work as much?

Buying more help might give you a few extra hours a week to yourself but you'd still feel lonely and resentful.

It's not really something you can throw money at. More help will lighten your load, but it won't change your DH's attitude or priorities. If the sticking point is the relationship you have with him, rather than how big your share of the work is, then it's a husband problem and not a life management problem. You can only talk to him and see if he will make changes, suck it up and accept it as the way things will be, or leave.

My DH works long hours in the city. He's got very little energy left over for me after work/at weekends. His energies at home go on the kids. We don't do anything as a couple, really. I've suggested a complete change of lifestyle. Going off grid, homeschool kids if necessary, but his work is who he is. It's too important to him. And possibly, it's occured to him that to sacrifice his career for a change in work-life balance, would be a big risk if we ever broke up.

Plenty of women on here are quick to call out women who didn't return to work after mat leave, or who give up work to run the home for their high-flying partners. They often get told they're making themselves vulnerable and that it's a stupid move, but the same logic applies to the bread winner when the pressure is put on them to cut back.

Are you sure he doesn’t have more flexibility than he let’s on? DH and a lot of our family and friends are solicitors and the message that I get from them is that getting to partner requires you to put in very long hours but one of the pay offs of getting there is that you can then become a lot more flexible. We are outside of London though so maybe it’s different.