DH works vv long hours and I'm fed up

[slimecentury]

He's a partner in corporate law so really it's never going to change so how do I get used to it? I go through phases of feeling so resentful and fed up. Disclaimer - I am also very aware at least he's earning well and is not down the pub etc but the issue of his lack of presence is still there.
When he's around he's generally knackered and not really here, gets grumpy with kids and not really someone I want to be around! He's just got no chat as he's so tired and he's preoccupied with work.
He generally has to work one or two afternoons at weekends too.
We have two DCs 6 and 4. One at school and one in nursery 4x week school hours. I work during these hours. I often feel overwhelm with all the stuff that needs doing. DH will help if he's around but it's very sporadic. We have a cleaner once a fortnight.
How do others manage? Lump it? Get in more help? But what? I feel like it's all the house admin I'm drowning in and the relentless daily stuff and school errands.
I also am concerned about our future. We went out recently with friends and I had such a great time and I remembered how much I love to go out and let my hair down. We never do that anymore and actually he's not really much fun to be around. Ah sorry kids calling now. Any advice welcome or tell me to just toughen up!!

Genuinely this life sounds awful. I can't imagine how much money my partner would have to earn for me to be ok with him being so absent in my children's, and my life.

My DH earns 6 figures but leaves the house at 8.30am, is home by 6.30 latest every night. He works from home at least once a week and weekends are family time.

I couldn't cope with life admin, the emotional labour of solo parenting and such a distant husband. No job is worth sacrificing your well being and time with your family imo. Unless he's earning millions, it's not worth it

@YakkityYakYakYak in my experience (yes London) this doesn’t ring true. Once made partner they are absolutely responsible for finding the next big client/project and supervising sometimes a large team to make sure it’s delivered often to short timetables. It’s not a question of delegating to the worker ants and buggering off home while they get on with it. Add to the mix the personality type that believes no one can do it as well as oneself and you get to the scenario described

I am the one that works long hours in my relationship I average around 55 hour weeks sometimes more. My partner works full time 37.5. Neither of us like it. But we know it’s not going to be forever. Short term thing to save for a house deposit.
I would just discuss openly and calmly how you’re feeling. Could you get a job to foot the extra income drop if he was to lessen his hours? I’m sure if he had the choice he wouldn’t work so many hours

My DH works long hours (for shit money) but that's another thread. You have my sympathy, we have a very new DS and it's hard to do all the baby work alone all day 5 days a week. DH is looking for a new job so I'm not sure what to suggest in your case.

Are you Nicola Walker from the tv show They Split' pp?

Seriously what a miserable miserable existence.
Tonnes and tonnes of money, but no family life, barely a marriage.

Is it worth it?

My ex was a workaholic which is why he's an ex. It just wasn't any kind of a relationship when one person is working 7 days, and often nights, a week. And I say that as someone who likes a lot of space in a relationship but there's space and not seeing them for weeks on end. With children in the mix i can see how resentment would build. You never see posts from men complaining about doing all household chores/life admin/childcare and working whilst their wife checks out because her career is oh important, like ever. I wonder why.

the message that I get from them is that getting to partner requires you to put in very long hours but one of the pay offs of getting there is that you can then become a lot more flexible

That was true for old-school partners in London, but not any more - I've known young partners to work longer hours than the associates!

Clients aren't loyal anymore and are always being tempted away by disruptors such as lawyers on demand and firms who promise a fixed fee. Plus, the teams are kept much leaner now to cut costs so there's less flexibility to bring in other lawyers and the partner inevitably picks up the slack. I do think there are a lot of partners who are control freaks and have issues with delegating too, though.

Transactional work is very addictive and it's not just about the money/prestige - it's interesting and challenging work, you work with heaps of different specialists who each have their own take on things and you're surrounded by really smart, similarly-motivated people. It's brilliant but it's all-consuming and fucks up your family life.

Oh wow just come back to this today. All these comments are super useful. I've been very low today over it all. Something has to change. My DH is a lovely man I don't want to paint him in the wrong light but his job is so all consuming it always takes priority. Always. He doesn't want it to be like it is but that's just the nature of the beast. He has talked before about stepping down or sideways so perhaps now is the time. He did actually move from a magic circle firm to a lesser tier in the hope that the work life balance would improve but it hasn't. I would actually say it's got worse.
I will start by sorting out my own work life stress and try out some of the suggestions. Yes i feel like I shouldn't need any help but maybe I do. And I should stop feeling guilty about it. Then once I'm in a better frame of mind talk about all this with DH.
I've suggested to him before about the quality thing too so maybe just try and get home for bedtime once a week and don't fret the rest of the week. I've even said do it for your own sanity and go to the gym or something so we're not completely broken at the weekend. I feel bad as I know he's knackered and stressed but I don't really want to be married to someone who I see fleetingly, who isn't really there or grumpy when he is around.
Will reread all this again later. Sorry there seems to be many others with similar issues.

My DH is a partner in a (non law, but professional) firm and has always been a bit of a workaholic. This has often been to the detriment of his health (no time to exercise, poor diet etc...) and family life. He would have left home by 6.15 and generally not be home til 7.30 at the very earliest. I also work in a professional role, part time, albeit for probably half his salary.

Anyway, a year or so I just got absolutely sick of the same old conversation asking could he be home earlier, help more, be more available to help with the kids, do some of the drop offs/pick ups/clubs etc. So, I basically said to him, if you do not reduce the hours you work, start to look after yourself more, and prioritise family sometimes over work, then I cannot see us being together for much longer. And funnily enough, that was enough of a wake up call for him to actually change. We are so much happier, all of us. And the business hasn't gone down the toilet either!

I think OP that you can get all the paid help in the world, but if you aren't happy with the relationship, then the help won't make a shite of difference!

If you are not happy with it then you are not happy. I can’t see it changing if nothing changes so it’s time to have a discussion. I don’t get why people choose to do jobs than mean they have to work such long hours and not have any life? What’s the point of it?

It’s interesting that you say you feel guilty.

Why is that - do you feel as if you should enjoy managing all the home admin because you’re a mum, only have DC in childcare if you are actually working?

Don’t be a martyr. Get extra help to make life easier for you and your family - more cleaner hours, get her/him to iron and change bedsheets, get a gardener, find a handyman to do the DIY jobs around the house, organise childcare for date nights and have something to look forward to.

Do this whilst you’re thinking about the future. Once you let go of the guilt about getting help, you might find you’re less resentful. Equally you may not and then it’s time to think about options.

"My DH is a lovely man I don't want to paint him in the wrong light but his job is so all consuming it always takes priority. Always. He doesn't want it to be like it is but that's just the nature of the beast."

I think OP is very badly in denial.

It's not the 'nature of the beast'. What does that even mean? It's nonsense.

It's his choice. He chooses to put you lower down his list of priorities.

How can you accept that? Do you, very deep down have such low self esteem that you honestly think that's acceptable?

@Oblomov20 as several others have indicated here it is “the nature of the beast” ie the job of being a partner of a law firm in corporate law that there are very long hours, high pressure etc. Many of us live this on both sides of the coin. It’s a deal with the devil as others have said because it provides a lifestyle but with many compromises that often fall into the lap of the wife

VanCleef, I do know many people, who work in those kind of positions. My 2 close school friends are top accountants working in canary warf.

I know 2 Barristers. my best friend is a previous barrister, now senior partner of top employment firm. She has 2 dc and 2 older step dc.

Yes there are long hours.

But that attitude. Of putting everyone else so very low on the list, that's something else altogether. And not everyone dies that!

Isn’t the point though that even if one wanted to Put family etc higher on the list the fact is there are only so many hours in the day. Everyone o know in this kind of field absolutely recognises the issues but have come to some kind of peace with it somehow. But this needs the buy-in of both partners and I totally get that some may not accept that position

There are some jobs where ridiculous working hours really are the nature of the beast.

DH could not do his job without working ridiculous hours and travelling a lot. If he wanted to work fewer hours then he would need to go into a different branch of his profession.

But he doesn't want to do that, because he loves his current work; it's very interesting and he's successful at it.

The money isn't the deciding factor here. We would both be comfortable with a lower income. But DH would not be happy with a more boring job.

Are you married to my DH @FlappingTurtle 😉

Can I speak to you very bluntly?

Listen to me now.

Focus on your own life.
Do not look to him for fulfilment.
Develop your own interests. Whether it is dance, local committees, the local pub darts team, whatever. Do NOT look to him for fulfilment

Never, EVER 'LTB'
NEVER file for divorce

Why? Because that leaves YOUR CHILDREN wide open for abandonment.

Women find these high value, high status men irresistible. They want to establish their own families and that involves, pushing your children out of the nest. Don't look to men (their dicks) to care about these refinements.

Protect your children. Don't do it.

At the first hint of distress,

go to a co dependents support group like Al Anon.

They will never change. Al Anon teaches you to

1. accept them for who they really are
2. teach you to focus on yourself
3. teaches you to treat all people will respect and kindness

Its radical acceptance.
Divorce is not the answer, the legal protection of marriage shouldn't be thrown away lightly.

I am going to TELL IT LIKE IT IS:

single man of high job value and net worth?? - irresistible. TO ANY AGE.

SAHM of 3, 40+,with stretched snatch, abdominal curtain and all the saggy rest? - INVISIBLE

Don't do it. Where was I, a decade ago, giving this realistic advice??????

@VanCleefArpels Well, that would certainly explain why I never see him!

@FlappingTurtle 🤣🤣

@Oblomov20 is on to something.

I got told by a Relate counsellor that people who don't want close attachments (keep other people at a distance) choose jobs that take them away.

Like, working in the City, working on oil rigs/ex pats, night shift etc.

That is what she said!

Hi OP

I sympathise with your situation. I am a lawyer but working part-time in a fairly low-stress role. DH is in finance, and it consumes him physically and mentally. He works, he worries, he works, at home, in the office, on holiday, he works. He earns quite a lot of money.

I feel guilty and inadequate knowing how privileged we are and yet how difficult I find managing our lives, the house, the kids. We have a cleaner once a week, a mother's help 2 mornings a week, and some family help, so I feel guilty and useless when I'm overwhelmed and stressed. I have it so easy in comparison to some and yet my house is still a mess and the kids are still eating little dish ready meals and chocolate buttons for dinner...

I feel resentful towards DH as well. He has effectively abandoned domestic responsibilities and is happy to outsource everything. I feel like he 'should' somehow be doing more and by not splitting things more equally I'm failing as a modern woman and mother. I have a boy and a girl and I worry what messages I'm sending them about life and gender roles.

Last year DH and I had a big talk, I was very honest about things and he was actually really great. He took it all on board and although he still lives to work, things are a bit better. Try carving out some time to tell him how you feel and see if you can move forward together as a team from there. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't silently seethe about things, so I've been a lot more honest and open which helps.

I see the same dynamic repeated in lots of friends and family. My DSis is married to a very successful partner in a law firm but he is ridiculous and doesn't want any paid help whatsoever. He grew up in a household with a full time cleaner and nanny but won't entertain any help in his house. It worries me for my DSis (also a working professional) who is overwhelmed by their life.

Good luck OP (and others who have posted in similar situations)

Feeling a bit low again. I tried discussing the issue at the weekend but was met with a brick wall. And I guess he'll be back at work again now so 🤷🏼‍♀️
Interesting about the psychology of his job and his emotional way. He's definitely not an open book and very closed in many ways and I can't live like this anymore. I think his exhaustion is making it worse too as he has nothing left for any conversation when he's at home.

I'm trying to view all this though in a different way to that which I have been. He is working like this to save for our kids and our future so we don't have to struggle. I could never earn what he does. And it would seem daft if he took a massive pay cut but I went back and did longer hours as we'd be earning a lot less (or would it?!) I'm hoping it won't be for long. I can obviously see writing this down how silly it looks. Why waste the present and seeing your kids and wife when they are young? This is what we need to sit down and talk about though as I suspect that he is addicted to the London corporate law thing. Anything else would be boring or a downgrade I reckon. Though he denies it.

I don't know how to broach the subject without it becoming an argument. He gets all defensive as he sees it as he is doing all he can and is around as much as he can. I just think he fails to see what a miserable and distant git he has become!

But I'll get myself into a better place first, get some help and maybe talk to someone objective about how I'm feeling.

Read Laura Empson “leading professionals - power, politics and prima donnas”. Quite academic but very good (aka terrifying) on the emotional games professional services used to keep us hooked. Some other stuff available online if you don’t want to buy the book..... good luck it’s a tough one all right