DH works vv long hours and I'm fed up

[slimecentury]

He's a partner in corporate law so really it's never going to change so how do I get used to it? I go through phases of feeling so resentful and fed up. Disclaimer - I am also very aware at least he's earning well and is not down the pub etc but the issue of his lack of presence is still there.
When he's around he's generally knackered and not really here, gets grumpy with kids and not really someone I want to be around! He's just got no chat as he's so tired and he's preoccupied with work.
He generally has to work one or two afternoons at weekends too.
We have two DCs 6 and 4. One at school and one in nursery 4x week school hours. I work during these hours. I often feel overwhelm with all the stuff that needs doing. DH will help if he's around but it's very sporadic. We have a cleaner once a fortnight.
How do others manage? Lump it? Get in more help? But what? I feel like it's all the house admin I'm drowning in and the relentless daily stuff and school errands.
I also am concerned about our future. We went out recently with friends and I had such a great time and I remembered how much I love to go out and let my hair down. We never do that anymore and actually he's not really much fun to be around. Ah sorry kids calling now. Any advice welcome or tell me to just toughen up!!

Is there anywhere outside of London you'd consider living? Obviously quite drastic but honestly the crazy hours are very much a London thing. If he worked as a corporate partner in any other city he'd have much more control over his hours. Still not a 9-5 by any means but the corporate partners in my firm seem to be much more able to leave the office at reasonable hours apart from the odd late night here and there.

Ahhh OP it's so hard isn't it. I don't agree with posters that say you knew what you got into, it's a whole different world before children isn't it. My DH works away a lot, and I find the balance of work with our DC really challenging, and it seems that works largely takes over when he is home. Before children I had a high powered career too, and things were much different; I knew it would change, but I am still surprised by how much.

It really depends in my opinion on what you want. In likliehood he won't move jobs, and even if he does he might grow to resent you for making him. Some careers you have to prioritise over family, even if they don't see it themselves. Would it help if you did less or more hours at work? Can you her additional help in some form? If you're happy-ish with him being at work all the time during the week, can you agree on a work free day? If you don't feel that's worth it then I wouldn't feel bad about it being the end of the road, you deserve to be happy too.

I feel your pain. My DH works 16 hour days, 6 days a week. I work full time and we have 3 children. He's not great around the house and throws a huff if he's asked to do something, e.g. I asked him to clean our en suite bathroom, it took him 3 and half weeks. The frustration is unbearable at times. Our children are growing fast and I also worry what it will be like when they leave for college. The harsh reality is I'm going to be rattling around the house on my own. After years of fighting a losing battle i had 2 choices, leave or find a way to accept it. I chose to accept it. It is not easy but Is the way it is for us.
My children feel they missed out, he's always too tired to play or has paper work to do. If he's like my DH he will always be a workaholic. It's how u deal with it now. X

My H and I both work in the City. He leaves the house at 6am and returns sometime between 8:30-11pm. This means he sees our 2 young DC (ages 5 and 2) at weekends...

In contrast, I leave the house at 6:45am and return at 6:15pm. I get ready with my little ones around my ankles and I come home to 2 very excitable DC. I wave goodbye to our amazing nanny (super quick handover) and I read books and then put both DC to bed and then cook dinner for H and me and make our lunch boxes for the next day and then do laundry and put away clean clothes. At some point, I try to remember to do the household admin.

I actually took 3 years off after DC1 was born and wasn’t thinking about going back to work until one day when the youngest was about 12 months old. I realised that I was really very lonely and bored of being a SAHM... it felt worse to be home alone cooking and doing laundry for someone else who swans in and out of our house!! At the time I remember thinking that I’d prefer to be a single parent!!

So I went back to work in my old field, but one level down. That’s the only way it works. I’m not able to travel whilst DC are so young or manage the mental work load of running a big team again. Life already feels like a very delicate balance, as the “wife work” in my head is such a big responsibility.

H earns vv high salary and bonus and I earn a v high salary (not so much on bonus, as I tend to stick to 40 hours a week nowadays, instead of 65 hours I did before having DC).

At the moment, I have a cleaner, an ironing lady, a gardener and a nanny who works 55 hours a week. I still feel exhausted every night, as there’s nearly no down time.

I would love to be as irresponsible as my H and just wander in and out of home life. He’s actually conscientious and hands on when he’s here. But the reality is that he’s hardly ever here.

Also, similar to your DH, mine is often tired and grumpy on the weekends. My H isn’t particularly fun to be around. I think deep down I prefer him not being here. He can be a pain in the ass about how things should be and how things should look. I put this down to his need to be in control. But the important thing is that I actually don’t need him now that I’m back to work. Going back to my career has given me independence, so I can make a decision about what I want. I’m not quite sure what I want, but it can’t be this set up forever.

I haven’t ever said to this my friends, but I think a divorce and co-parenting would be more restful, as then I’d have EOW off! But actually I’d miss my DC so much. What I’d really love is a week of my old life every now and then haha.

So I suppose, there’s no answer, but I do empathise with the feelings you’re experiencing.

It's tricky, OP. Just before kids I moved to a law firm which was a "step down". I earn a fine amount, but peers at firms with more prestige are earning multiples of what I get, for ostensibly the same job. Often I beat myself up that I've sold myself short, career wise. However, the fact is you get a small amount of time with kids during the working week which can so easily get sucked up by work, so what I've lost in status and cash, I've gained in family time because there isn't the same pressure of hours.

Maybe your DH needs to do similar - but the status is hard to give up, and any move even for less money has big risks in terms of losing your clients.

I totally understand.
My husband has a start up company, he works all hours and therefore I stay at my work working my butt off ( for no extra pay).
We hardly see each other.
We can't really afford a cleaner or a dog walk so the house is a mess and the dogs are fed up.
At the weekends he plays hockey which takes up most of sat and sun he takes our son to rugby.
I'm knackered. Lonely and broke....
Life is really tough and not that much fun

Sounds like he lives to work, and not much else.
There is something to be said for saving for the future, but if the present is pretty shit, then that's not much of a life.
At what point will it ease up? When the children are in secondary school and most of their childhood is behind them?

What is that old quote - no-one ever said on their death bed, I wish I'd spent more time in the office...

He doesn't have to work like this. He can choose any job. It's all about choices. He is making a choice that is depriving him of the relationships that'll see him through. He needs to udnerstand the consequences of that choice. You need to spell it out to him.

He doesn't have to work like this. He can choose any job.

I agree with this. Many women make compromises when they have children - why do men feel they don't need to?

We used to have men working and women looking after the home. Most families need two incomes now (and more equitably, why shouldn't women work too?), but that means both parents working. So women are working AND doing childcare/housework... but (some) men have stuck their heads in the sand and pretended they don't need to pick up their share of the childcare/housework.

Hopefully it's a generational thing as attitudes are changing. But i worry it's not and that (some) men will continue to feel no responsibility for the house/children.

It is a difficult one.

I qualified in a MC firm - it is absolutely clear from day 1 that the firm takes priority over any other part of your life if you want to be a partner there. And those who made it are blessed with riches and looked up to for status - they are the "lucky" 1% of the intake who have "made it". In reality, from what I have observed, they don't see their kids enough and often neglect either their marriage or their health or both.

I am now at another firm in the city (don't want to give any more details) where life is better. Partners are more balanced BUT there is still that status and some quite long hours (particularly as a partner - not so much the work but the client entertainment too) and you have to be available a lot.

Things are changing for the better at my firm and I think some of the older male partners get it - one told me recently that, now he is towards the end of his career, he regrets that, even when he was with his wife and kids, he wasn't always "there". It is one of those things that people don't see when they are in it.

It is mental training - if, in your first job, you are effectively rewarded and acquire status (long hours are lauded as a way of pulling ahead of your peers and often rewarded through bonus) for neglecting and deprioritising other factors than your work, that is how you start to see life. And it is very hard to get out of. I have a friend who will be a MC partner soon I have no doubt and I feel sort of bad about myself that we started in a very similar place with similar potential and he will be far more successful in a work sense than me. HOWEVER, I know it is the wrong thing for me and my family.

As said above, you need to get your own balance and head right first, so pay for some help to do that. This does not make you a bad mother or wife - you are shouldering a lot of the burden of family life and you need to keep your head above water.

Then, can you identify a couple of concrete things that would make you happier and would make a difference from a family life perspective:
For example:

1. Book a couple of days off to spend together whilst kids are in childcare - no work allowed.
2. Find something that your husband can do with the kids at the weekend that is his slot, something that they will all enjoy and is non negotiable. You can go or not, depending on whether you need a break.
3. Sit down on a Friday night with a glass of wine and identify together one further nice thing you can do as a family that weekend that your husband will be fully present - mentally and physically - for.
4. If he can, on a Friday night, you all head out for Pizza or whatever.

A general moan to your husband simply won't work - you need to find a way together in more practical terms. None of these may be right for you or your family - they are just examples!

The advice below is excellent. However, it seems to me the OP and DH have relationship problems beyond time together. Contrary to the stereotype, I know plenty of families of corporate law partners (both male and female) who are very happy - one gets a top notch career, the other get loads of family time, both are rolling in money!