MIL ruining my marriage

[Changerazelea]

Hi all,
Posting for a hand hold and some advice, I've found recent threads on this topic reassuring in terms of the difficulties others were having with family relationships and guess I'm seeking some solace.

Married 10 years with 2 DD aged 9 & 5, DH and I have great relationship and have been very happy throughout our marriage and he is an amazing father.

We decided after having the children to move closer to his family for support and MIL and FIL were delighted and initially very involved with the children for last number of years. Generally MIL & FIL provided support for after school and babysitting once or twice a week. We live around a mile away so often school drop offs would evolve into family dinners and watching TV all together etc.

I have always enjoyed a very close relationship with FIL & MIL having lost my own parents and and in some ways came to rely on my MIL for advice and friendship heavily in the children's early years.

Fastforward 5 years and my FIL sadly died leaving a huge hole in the family, MIL obviously devastated but kept up her support of the family and together with extra support from us all seemed to be coping well and had a busy social life. Last year MIL started a relationship with an old friend who had just lost his wife, we were supportive but surprised by the speed and intensity of the relationship given her partners very recent bereavement. MIL has now announced her engagement and is planning to move away from the area, sell the family home and move to be with her fiance.

DH is very supportive of MIL and cannot see any reason for resentment on my part of her new life, I feel that we have been abandoned by MIL with very little regard for the children and for the diminishing time we now spend together that I have no relationship with her anymore. She will not spend any time with us without her fiance and I feel that I have lost her entirely to the new relationship.

Suppose I wonder how to manage the loss of this friendship in my life, I feel as if it has massively changed the dynamic in my marriage and don't see a way to keep my feelings and resentment out of my relationship with DH.

Any wise words of encouragement or thoughts on what may be useful for me in terms of counselling? Thanks all x

I don't see how she is ruining your marriage? She has no duty to you or your children. I don't see how you can't have a good relationship with her moving away?

I think it’s lovely you had such a great relationship with her and have a chat with her to explain you’d really like to maintain that.

I do agree with your DH though, it’s her life and she needs to get on with it. If it makes her happy then why not? I don’t think this should be affecting your marriage. Situations change, life moves on - you’ve just got to make the best of it.

Do you think you are transferring to this loss, all the grief and anger that you felt about losing your parents?

I understand there will be a practical impact, but you have to balance that against the privilege of having had her support all these years.

I'd worry about her, but if your DH isn't worried I'm not sure what you can do except try and be happy for her and be clear that she's still always welcome to be with you all.

You have taken on your MIL as your own, after the loss of your own parents. That's understandable.

But you can't dictate how she lives her life. I understand that you're feeling it as another parental loss. But that's not her problem. She has to do what's right for her.

Not quite the MIL thread I was expecting.
With all due respect, your mil is doing nothing wrong and why on earth should she deny herself happiness for you? She isn't abandoning her GC ffs she is just moving away.

I can understand that you might feel abandoned or discarded. Those feelings are valid to you but might feel confusing, disproportionate or overwhelming if your DH doesn’t share that same sense.

What was the circumstances of your own DPs loss - could this be a delayed reaction to that?

I'm not sure why you're taking this out on your DH though/ How is this changing the dynamic of your marriage?

That seems really unfair. He's trying to be a supportive son, and that's a good thing.

You come across as extremely spoilt in that post op, like you’re far more concerned with the baby sitting and all of the support your mil provides for you and your children, than your mil’s happiness

How is she ruining your marriage? That makes no sense.

She’s moving on with her life in a direction that includes you less than before but she’s not doing anything wrong.

Wish her well, be happy she’s found love again, it’s a rare commodity. With the caveat you don’t think she’s being taken advantage of.

I think it’s lovely that she’s found happiness after bereavement. You’ve been very fortunate to have lived close by for many years and have a lot of childcare offered. However, she obviously feels she is ready for a change.

My MIL met someone quickly and moved after losing FIL. Living in the same home and doing the same activities but with him missing intensified her loss. She really felt the need for change.

How is it ruining your marriage by now having your mil waiting on you hand and foot anymore?

I think you need to flip your thinking. It’s lovely you and the DC had such a large amount of time with her. And now it’s great that she gets another shot at building a new life for herself and be in love again.

She isn’t ruining your marriage or doing anything at all ‘to you’. She’s just living her own life how she wants. It may not work out with this new bloke, but you can’t begrudge her a shot at the relationship.

I would agree that this loss, for you, is bringing up lots of 'stuff', probably from your past, and some good counselling could help. I would recommend psychodynamic psychotherapy or similar to help you explore what you're feeling and why and don't be afraid to have initial sessions with a couple of different therapists until you find someone you respect and can work with - there are good and bad therapists out there!

Is this a reverse ?!?! If not you need to have a word with yourself. It is totally reasonable to feel sad, but it is unreasonable to blame your mil for you taking your anger out on your husband. Be happy she’s found love, get childcare and get some more friends

Perhaps your MIL has realised life is short and is for living?

Gutterton thank you you've hit exactly how I am feeling. I do feel so angry and confused.

I acknowledge the need to move on but feel like I can't as I enjoyed the life we had and all our fun times together and appreciate now that this was temporary.

I'm really confused as to how this is ruining your marriage?? Your MIL is living her life, why the hell can she not? Why are you so resentful of her finding love and happiness in someone else? You sound really selfish.

Your IL's will not be around forever, would it ruin your marriage if she passed away? She has her own life, you have yours. There's no reason why she cannot still be in your lives just because she's moving away. I struggle to see how you would be once she passes too and you both have no parents to reply on anymore... this is life. Live your own and let her live hers.

She can't ruin your marriage only you can do that.
It seems as though she has done more than expected for you and your family. I'm glad she's found someone to make her happy, did you expect her to always be there to provide childcare?

How is she ruining your marriage ? Can you not just be happy for her ? The cynic in me thinks you are upset you have lost your free childcare .

Is it about the childcare or do you fear the loss of another mother figure in your lives?

I think that you know that she is entitled to her own life. But maybe you can find a way to change your relationship with her into something that is still meaningful to you? Life is always changing, so you can only decide what your reaction will be to that change.

I suppose we were so close for so long that I felt it would always be that way.

Her moving pulls the rug out from under me as thought we had a life together as family and for me her place in that unit was as important as DH and children. The childcare element doesn't really impact us at all we've already changed that in light of her moving.

Thanks for the kindness and understanding I think just putting into words has helped. It's hard when I feel like communication in my marriage is broken down as I can't speak with DH about it anymore. Our views are just so different.

The reality is that people who are happily married like your MIL tend to marry again fairly quickly. They know what they are missing and know how to make a marriage work.

It's really difficult to have feelings that are 'not allowed' for whatever reason.

All feelings are important and allowed, but sometimes circumstances mean we can't fully explore them without causing offence. It's just one thing, OP. It doesn't mean you and DH will be at odds over anything else. It will blow over.

I think this is likely part of your grieving process, and you need to recognise that ultimately it would be very selfish to deny your MIL happiness simply to keep the status quo.

If you genuinely love your MIL then support her and encourage her happiness. If you can't do that and are driving your husband away then you probably need to re-examine your motivations which seem to be all about you...
Counselling may help

As PP has said counselling would be good to deal with what could be unresolved grief around your own parents loss that is now throwing a shadow on your marriage. The current situation with your MIL is not as catastrophic in reality as you might be feeling (because your grief has been triggered).

You are not being abandoned. I very much doubt that such a DGM so deeply involved and loving of her DGCs, DS and DDIL will cut all ties. I would imagine that this will open up another exciting different chapter in all your lives. Maybe you will spend more times together on holidays, weekends half way, etc these will be just a precious.

I would love for my DCs to see their DM find love, hope, adventure after loss. What a great role model of resilience, recovery, vitality for them.

She will alway be on the end of the phone for advice and I am sure will be proactive keeping in touch.

If you want some one to one time with her and you feel that you can’t talk to her if he is always looming - book up a spa day, afternoon tea, exhibition or something he won’t want to do.

The risk you face now is that this becomes a self fulfilling prophecy and YOU are the one to cause the rift if your resentment and bitterness towards her and her partner deep out.

I am sorry you have lost your own parents and that you feel this way. But you can overcome it by looking to address your own unresolved grief and being gracious and grateful for the wonderful gift of love your MIL has given your family to date and will continue to do so.

Unless......you have concerns about the new partner? Widowed men alway move in quickly - at that stage in life they know that time precious.