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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MIL ruining my marriage

80 replies

Changerazelea · 03/03/2020 13:26

Hi all,
Posting for a hand hold and some advice, I've found recent threads on this topic reassuring in terms of the difficulties others were having with family relationships and guess I'm seeking some solace.

Married 10 years with 2 DD aged 9 & 5, DH and I have great relationship and have been very happy throughout our marriage and he is an amazing father.

We decided after having the children to move closer to his family for support and MIL and FIL were delighted and initially very involved with the children for last number of years. Generally MIL & FIL provided support for after school and babysitting once or twice a week. We live around a mile away so often school drop offs would evolve into family dinners and watching TV all together etc.

I have always enjoyed a very close relationship with FIL & MIL having lost my own parents and and in some ways came to rely on my MIL for advice and friendship heavily in the children's early years.

Fastforward 5 years and my FIL sadly died leaving a huge hole in the family, MIL obviously devastated but kept up her support of the family and together with extra support from us all seemed to be coping well and had a busy social life. Last year MIL started a relationship with an old friend who had just lost his wife, we were supportive but surprised by the speed and intensity of the relationship given her partners very recent bereavement. MIL has now announced her engagement and is planning to move away from the area, sell the family home and move to be with her fiance.

DH is very supportive of MIL and cannot see any reason for resentment on my part of her new life, I feel that we have been abandoned by MIL with very little regard for the children and for the diminishing time we now spend together that I have no relationship with her anymore. She will not spend any time with us without her fiance and I feel that I have lost her entirely to the new relationship.

Suppose I wonder how to manage the loss of this friendship in my life, I feel as if it has massively changed the dynamic in my marriage and don't see a way to keep my feelings and resentment out of my relationship with DH.

Any wise words of encouragement or thoughts on what may be useful for me in terms of counselling? Thanks all x

OP posts:
Roussette · 03/03/2020 16:23

I am at a point where I feel its going to be hard to maintain a relationship with her as I feel so hurt

How bloody selfish. So... not only can you not be happy for her for finding someone later in life... you are also feeling like you might cut her off because of this.

Can you not see how mean you are?

You are cherry picking the answers on here and only responding to those who show you a modicum of sympathy. I appreciate you have lost your parents and that is hard... but you need to address this for the sake of your MIL who - by the sounds of it - has been a brilliant one.

Veterinari · 03/03/2020 16:25

I think counselling is a good idea OP
I'm not sure this is entirely about your MIL and if you're so overcome with hurt and jealousy because she's got a new relationship, you really need to unpick why you are so unhealthily dependent on her

readitandwept · 03/03/2020 16:40

I am at a point where I feel its going to be hard to maintain a relationship with her as I feel so hurt

This is so awful.

I also lost my parents young. I was brought up by my an aunt who I love like a mother and is one of my closest friends.

Would I disregard her if she moved on with her life; after everything she has done for me and my DC?? No, I would be so happy for her. That's what I want for her.

Get yourself some help, OP. You're going to end up very lonely and bitter otherwise.

Bluntness100 · 03/03/2020 16:53

I am at a point where I feel its going to be hard to maintain a relationship with her as I feel so hurt

Oh god this is an awful thing to write, you’re hurt she’s found someone and getting on with her life after bereavement and not dedicating it to you so you want to break the relationship completely?

I’d really hope this isn’t real because it’s awful if it is. If it is though, you need to seek help, people are not possessions, you do not own them and you’re not entitled to them.

AlternativePerspective · 03/03/2020 16:59

I am at a point where I feel its going to be hard to maintain a relationship with her as I feel so hurt well, if she finds out how you’re feeling then you might not have to worry about that, because if she has any sense she just won’t bother with you any more.

And if your DH leaves you over this you will have no-one else to blame.

What’s going to happen when your children leave home and find partners of their own? Are you going to feel hurt that they’re not sticking around for your benefit?

Grow up.

Georgia2001 · 03/03/2020 17:00

Your father in law dying has probably hit home how short life really is and so glad to have met somebody else she wants to live life to the full and go and have advenutures before it’s too late. She may see that she has done more that her fair share of helping with the children and not it’s her time to live. There’s no reason why you can’t keep a close relationship but she won’t be up for all the babysitting anymore !

Rainbowb · 03/03/2020 17:57

I think you’ve just become a little too dependent on this woman. The word “abandoned” is very emotionally loaded and shows that the boundaries have become blurred. The thing is, you do not have the right to expect her to be there for your convenience forever and you are putting your needs before hers. She’s devoted her life to you and your family, now it’s time for you to get some independence and let her have a life of her own.

TooLittleTooLate80 · 03/03/2020 19:27

I haven't been on this site long but in this time I've read about MiL's:
Wearing white to weddings
Wearing black to weddings
Rearranging the house when the couple are away
Accessing sensitive medical documents
Trying to control what cake is served at a wedding
Not inviting unmarried partners to famliy events despite being together for years.

Those are ruining marriages Confused

GreenTulips · 03/03/2020 19:34

I think I had come to reply on her as a best friend really

I think This is really odd.

Do you not have other friendships?
Dose your husband feel suffocated by having others round all the time?

Bluntness100 · 03/03/2020 19:39

Op, maybe you can take some immediate productive steps to help yourself.

It’s clear you have came to emotionally rely on your mother in law in a way that was deeply unhealthy, grossly dependent, highly possessive and deeply entitled. Do you have any friends? A social life?

If the answer to these questions is no, as I suspect it may be, as well as counselling, can you do something to try to find friends, develop a social life? There are meet up websites available, clubs that can be joined, even school activities to support, volunteering in evenings or weekends, maybe even join a gym and go to the classes.

There are lots of things you could do to try to broaden your horizons. It would be much healthier for you if you could bring yourself to try to do this,

Your post is reminiscent of school girls who have to have one friend, and that friend isn’t allowed any other friends. And if they do, then they go all jealous and possessive, preferring to end the friendship rather than see that person friends with someone else.

I’m curious to know if you were that child at school? And as an adult, are you the same with your husband, as you are with your mother in law? That deep dependence and possessiveness? What about your children? Do you allow them to have friendships and are you enabling them to be independant as they grow?

Or is it just your mother in law you’ve developed this obsessive need for?

Widening your horizons if you’ve nothing else going on in terms of friends or social life could really help you move forward past this unhealthy phase in your life.

Rainbowb · 03/03/2020 19:47

I have never heard anything so selfish and manipulative. Mil dares to get a life of her own instead of being at your beck and call and you punish her by sulking and giving her the cold shoulder. Accusing her of ruining your marriage is as ridiculous as it is cruel. I’m absolutely staggered.

corythatwas · 03/03/2020 19:55

What others are saying.

Imagine it was a friend instead, as you say. Now look at it the other way. Imagine you had a friend who was married with kids but had relied on you to stay single so that you could devote yourself exclusively to her as well. Imagine you now met your dh and had a chance of a relationship yourself. And imagine this friend felt so betrayed by your no longer being there exclusively for her that she couldn't bear to speak to you. That is the kind of friend you are to your MIL.

I think Bluntness is spot on about the need to develop your horizons.

rvby · 03/03/2020 19:57

You sound a bit like my sister, who tends towards jealousy and has a very limited understanding of her own emotions. She leans hard on people who are more emotionally intelligent than her, who support her and explain her emotions to her, give her advice, etc. She will talk about those folk as if they are her closest friends.

But when those same people experience change and expect some reciprocity and support from her, she balks, withdraws and becomes disproportionately angry with them. She almost always characterises this as the other person "ruining things" when to any other observer, her behaviour is bizarre and her perceptions make no sense.

It's because she has no emotional intelligence and can't take care of herself. So everyone is her mother, essentially. She acts like a devastated child when the illusion is broken.

Go to counselling and learn to take care of yourself, so that you can love and support others without draining them.

Bluntness100 · 03/03/2020 21:19

It is like the school girl who “punishes” her friend for not being exclusively her friend any more, for daring to find someone else.

Counselling can help, but getting out and getting some independence, some actual friends, a social life, can only help take the focus off that one person.

I do wonder how your husband is dealing with your behaviour towards his mother, how he feels about it, if it was me I’d be deeply concerned by it, it’s a really unpleasant side to reveal, and if this was my husband behaving as you are towards my parent, I don’t think I could look at him the same. Part of me would be worried about his mental health, the other part of me would genuinely get the ick.

GinandGingerBeer · 03/03/2020 22:06

I do feel sad for you as it's clear that this is going to be difficult for you and you're experiencing a huge sense of loss. Yes Mil has a right to her own life etc as others have put, of course she does, but your feelings are real, rightly or wrongly.
How old were you when you lost your own parents OP? Were you young at the time or was it around the time you had your DC's? It does sound like misplaced grief as well as coming to terms with the type of family life you thought you, DH and the kids were going to have.
You'll get there. You can talk to Mil still and have a relationship, it will just be different. It might not be a bad thing in the end and force you to explore other friendship.

GreenGrecianVase · 03/03/2020 22:10

I’m afraid you are grieving, for this lost parent figure, having lost your own parents.
Try and find some grief counselling
It seems that only a few people seem to understand on here, but I’m pleased to see that some do

GreenGrecianVase · 03/03/2020 22:15

There are some really nasty comments on here, try not to take them to heart

#BeNicerPeople !

Poorolddaddypig · 04/03/2020 07:11

I think you’re being very selfish and spoilt Confused

Windmillwhirl · 04/03/2020 07:20

Are you sure this isn't more about the financial cost now you don't have a free babysitter? She shouldn't be judged in any way for choosing to live her life as she pleases.

Noodlenosefraggle · 04/03/2020 07:31

Do you have other friends? She is your mil. Do you have friends your own age or who have children the same age as yours, or at work? You definitely need counselling before you completely destroy a great relationship completely, but maybe get some interests outside the home, or go to an exercise/art/ whatever class .

Booberella9 · 04/03/2020 07:39

These responses are crazy harsh. OP has come to develop a close relationship with her MIL, against a background of having lost her own DM. Now MIL has basically dumped OP and the GC for a new boyfriend, and is literally moving away!

That is really unfair, especially after so many years of closeness which was thought to be reciprocated by the GM. But no, it turns out OP and the GC were just a distraction she is happy to drop.

I can only imagine how painful this is for you OP and I think you deserve counselling just for someone to talk to who is not involved in the situation and can help you grieve the loss of DM and MIL.

MarthasGinYard · 04/03/2020 07:40

'Are you sure this isn't

'Generally MIL & FIL provided support for after school and babysitting once or twice a week.'

Without meaning to be rude but that's quite a hefty bit of childcare that's gone.

Are you a tiny bit resentful of that too?

MarthasGinYard · 04/03/2020 07:41

The 'ruining your marriage' sounds a little OTT

Bluntness100 · 04/03/2020 08:29

Now MIL has basically dumped OP and the GC for a new boyfriend, and is literally moving away!

Eh what now? 😂😂😂 she could be moving as little as an hour away. She will still be available for chats, meet ups, visits etc, she’s not “ dumped “ the op. Don’t be daft. “ unfair” 😂😂😂😂

Roussette · 04/03/2020 08:40

Now MIL has basically dumped OP and the GC for a new boyfriend, and is literally moving away!

Don't be ridiculous. Are you saying that an older person should put any chance of happiness to one side because she has a DIL who she gets on well with?

That is really unfair, especially after so many years of closeness which was thought to be reciprocated by the GM. But no, it turns out OP and the GC were just a distraction she is happy to drop

And this is awful. I didn't realise MILs should sit around waiting to look after GC and be with their DILs and shouldn't have a life of their own in any way, shape or form.