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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MIL ruining my marriage

80 replies

Changerazelea · 03/03/2020 13:26

Hi all,
Posting for a hand hold and some advice, I've found recent threads on this topic reassuring in terms of the difficulties others were having with family relationships and guess I'm seeking some solace.

Married 10 years with 2 DD aged 9 & 5, DH and I have great relationship and have been very happy throughout our marriage and he is an amazing father.

We decided after having the children to move closer to his family for support and MIL and FIL were delighted and initially very involved with the children for last number of years. Generally MIL & FIL provided support for after school and babysitting once or twice a week. We live around a mile away so often school drop offs would evolve into family dinners and watching TV all together etc.

I have always enjoyed a very close relationship with FIL & MIL having lost my own parents and and in some ways came to rely on my MIL for advice and friendship heavily in the children's early years.

Fastforward 5 years and my FIL sadly died leaving a huge hole in the family, MIL obviously devastated but kept up her support of the family and together with extra support from us all seemed to be coping well and had a busy social life. Last year MIL started a relationship with an old friend who had just lost his wife, we were supportive but surprised by the speed and intensity of the relationship given her partners very recent bereavement. MIL has now announced her engagement and is planning to move away from the area, sell the family home and move to be with her fiance.

DH is very supportive of MIL and cannot see any reason for resentment on my part of her new life, I feel that we have been abandoned by MIL with very little regard for the children and for the diminishing time we now spend together that I have no relationship with her anymore. She will not spend any time with us without her fiance and I feel that I have lost her entirely to the new relationship.

Suppose I wonder how to manage the loss of this friendship in my life, I feel as if it has massively changed the dynamic in my marriage and don't see a way to keep my feelings and resentment out of my relationship with DH.

Any wise words of encouragement or thoughts on what may be useful for me in terms of counselling? Thanks all x

OP posts:
saraclara · 03/03/2020 14:12

I wonder how your DH feels about your 'taking over' his mother? Because it seems that you see herself as your daughter...and actually even more dependent on her than most daughters.
I'd find that a bit disturbing in a spouse, to be honest.

I adored my MIL. She was like the mum I never had. But I never overstepped his role in any way, and I encouraged him to visit her alone for a weekend occasionally (she lived three hours away) so they still got each other to themselves occasionally.

Roussette · 03/03/2020 14:14

I'm sorry, but his view should be your view. I understand you might mourn the loss of the continual contact with her, and the family dinners but life is about being happy for others.

There is nowhere in your posts that say you are happy for her. You should be.

I'm older than a lot of ppl on here and the longer you live, the more you realise how brief life actually is! How you have to make the most of every single day, how you should take a chance at happiness because ... blink... you are too old and infirm to do things.

What a wonderful second chance of happiness for your MIL. You should feel that too.

By all means silently mourn the end of an era with your FIL and now your MIL, but keep those feelings to yourself, and be happy for her.

How is she ruining your marriage? You are very selfish saying you are angry about this. Wait until you are older and making the most of life and someone begrudges that.

Original poster
Changerazelea · 03/03/2020 14:15

Pickle thank you I guess its doubly difficult as I would be sharing these discussions with MIL usually. I think I had come to reply on her as a best friend really. Feels like a rejection and also like I have no way to manage the relationship now as I think if this was a normal friendship it would fizzle out. I think you are right we agree on almost everything else usually.

OP posts:
showmewhatyougot · 03/03/2020 14:16

I'm confused, why exactly is this ruining your marriage? Confused

sonjadog · 03/03/2020 14:19

Your DH's reaction sounds much more measured and healthy than yours. Could you maybe be transferring the feelings about losing your parents onto your MiL? Would you consider counselling about that?

Apolloanddaphne · 03/03/2020 14:20

I think you are projecting your feelings about the loss of your parents and your FIL onto your MIL. You must feel like you are losing her too. Your DH on the other hand sees she is happy and wants her to continue having her own life. I have no answers but you mustn't let it affect your relationship with your DH. Perhaps you can accept you both have very different views right now and both be kind to each other?

Bluntness100 · 03/03/2020 14:20

Op, maybe you need to focus on getting some friends and a social life of your own?

Of course you can’t be angry with her that she’s living her life to suit her, that’s not ok, it’s hugely selfish. If she was your friend you’d wish the best for her. You want her to do what is best for you.

She’s not ruining your marriage. If anyone is, it’s you. I’m sorry.

Beau20 · 03/03/2020 14:22

OP - your poor DH is supporting his mother and you are against him/angry? Are you trying to push him away? I really think you need counseling to deal with your grief. She is absolutely not abandoning you and you seem to rely so heavily on her. You and your DH have your own life, please live this and stop putting a huge amount of pressure on your DH and MIL. You need to lean to be able to live happily alone with your DH and DC as one day it will JUST be you, no parents.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 03/03/2020 14:23

You do come across as petulant because you face losing your babysitting service, I'm afraid... If you do really value the relationship with your MIL, could you perhaps arrange to meet halfway every month or two for a day out or similar to keep the bond after she moves? Or a regular phonecall 'date' to have a good natter and keep up to date with all the news?

AlternativePerspective · 03/03/2020 14:24

Well, the way for you to restore the commmunication in your marriage is for you to admit that he is right and you are wrong.

While being upset is understandable, you are wrong. And tbh your posts are very self-centred, talk about abandoning your children/how you were so close/how you thought of you all as being part of the family, almost like a divorce. In reality none of this is about you. If you lose your marriage over this you will be the one who is entirely at fault. Is that what you want? Is your relationship with your MIL, your DH’s mother, who he supports, actually worth more to you than your marriage?

sauvignonblancplz · 03/03/2020 14:28

He’s not wrong in at all, I feel you are very over invested in your MIL.
I think you should be respectful of the other people in this scenario and try a bit harder to see their perspective.
Definitely counselling will help you explore why you are so dependent on others and give you tools to help you let go.

saraclara · 03/03/2020 14:28

If you lose your marriage, you lose your MIL completely, of course. So you really need to get some counselling to save it.

Gutterton · 03/03/2020 14:29

DH is probably relieved, pleased, delighted for his DM. It must be wonderful for him to see his DM so happy, in love and cared for after her deep loss. Looks like he has her best interests at heart.

If you bring your resentment of the impact of her new found love and happiness to him it will hurt him deeply. What are your expectations - for him to disrupt her happiness and RS?

Your feelings are strong, valid to you and need to be processed and expressed but not via your DH.

Bluntness100 · 03/03/2020 14:31

I think you should be respectful of the other people in this scenario

This, you need to show some respect and regard for others. Namely your husband and your mother in law. It’s his mother, and he is doing right, supporting her to find her happiness. She is doing right in having her own life. Neither she nor he deserve your resentment or anger and you owe some apologies.

Writing she’s ruining your marriage is one of the most self centred things I’ve read on here op.

restingbitchface30 · 03/03/2020 14:32

I’m with other people on this. This sounds weird! How is she ruining your marriage? You should be happy that she’s found love and is enjoying herself again. It comes across like you’re pissed that you don’t have a babysitter on hand anymore in all honesty.

crapette · 03/03/2020 14:35

You married your DH, not his Mum.

Please could you explain how she is ruining your marriage.

TulipsTwoLips · 03/03/2020 14:38

I remember feeling this way when a friend at school started spending time with a new friend they'd made outside of school.

The best thing you can do is to genuinely be pleased for what the new man is bringing to her life. Practise that for a bit and you will genuinely start to feel it.

Now it's nice when friends bring new people into their lives - I am honestly very pleased for them.

Good luck Flowers

Herocomplex · 03/03/2020 14:44

Can you see it as confirmation that we all have the possibility to find love and renewal even after loss?

Your lovely PIL’s gave you a great second chance at family life, now your MIL has got a chance of a new life, and probably a longer happier future.

You’re going to face this again in your life when your DC’s make their lives apart from you.

Nows your chance to have a think about how you handle loss, I think reading or talking about it might help?

Best of luck, to your MIL as well, she sounds great. Give her back what she gave you.

FLOrenze · 03/03/2020 14:53

I really do feel for you. It seems that you adopted her as a surrogate mum and thought she felt you were her daughter. It is a great shock to know that you are just the wife of her son. Your husband won’t understand, because he still has his mum, while you feel you have been cast adrift.

I don’t have any advice, except that you will now go through many of the emotions of bereavement. Perhaps look at this chart, then see if there is a therapist who can help you. I notice from the chart, they have left off Anger. This is a very valid feeling, especially in your case, where the person has chosen to leave.

MIL ruining my marriage
hammeringinmyhead · 03/03/2020 14:58

I don't understand what you mean when you can't keep your resentment out of your marriage. You can't resent your husband for not having a go at his mother for being busier than she used to be - can you??

picklemewalnuts · 03/03/2020 15:21

Assuming that she is a good picker- and she's got a good son and a good late husband so she should be- you may even get someone new to enjoy in the family.

Hang in there, OP. You'll be ok.

GabsAlot · 03/03/2020 15:21

Sorry you resent your dh because he doesnt feel the same way as you?

I think you need to get some perspective here

Yummymummy2020 · 03/03/2020 15:25

I think it’s less to do with your marriage and more to do with the gap it’s left in a friendship. Can you ask her to do things just the two of you instead? It’s not fair to resent her moving away but it is ok to wish you had more time together as friends and without her fiancé. I understand if she moves away, you might find it harder to meet up but can you do things like face time to keep in touch and maybe the odd weekend away the two of you?

Original poster
Changerazelea · 03/03/2020 15:47

Thanks yummy. I know it doesn't seem understandable for me to feel this way. I am at a point where I feel its going to be hard to maintain a relationship with her as I feel so hurt. I don't want it to be detrimental to DHs relationship with her so I agree with pickle that I need to keep him out of it now and have some counselling.

OP posts:
Brazi103 · 03/03/2020 16:15

Do you think mil is your possession? How selfish of you to feel so bitter when something good is happening for her. She is finding happiness again after losing her husband and your first thoughts are all about you? And to feel angry that your dh is supporting his mother? You really do see people as your possessions.
Even if you try justify this as a loss of friendship, again it's all about you.
Arent you grateful that you have lovely il who provided so much value to your DC and your lives? I'm sure she would be very hurt to know how selfish you are.