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Original poster

Is this huge or am I making a fuss ?

82 replies

Pinkielove · 02/03/2020 13:34

My partner went to visit his 23 year old daughter last weekend, she lives 4 hours away and he had booked a hotel for the night. His ex was in hospital as he is having issues with excess spinal fluid, so he said he picked his daughter up from home, they then collected her boyfriend and went out for the day. Good that you managed to avoid X I said, but was curious as to why his daughter didnt want to visit her Mum that day, as she was only admitted 2 days before. The answer came back that she was happy to spend time with her him, he hadnt seen her for ages and that she had arranged to visit her Mum when he had left on the Sunday. All very fine and well. Then last night while he was out, his ipad pinged a message from his ex, saying how lovely it was to see him last week, how very handsome and dapper he looked, and thanking him for the lovely flowers, so lovely were they that she was bringing them home with her as they were too nice to leave for the nurses. She went on to say she hoped he had enjoyed his weekend with their daughter and her chap, and finished with "big hugs xxxx" - I asked him again this morning in a round about way had he seen her, and he looked me in the eye and told me no. I see this as a huge betrayal, things are not good between us anyway but to lie like that to my face I just cant get my head around. Is it me ????

OP posts:
itbemay · 02/03/2020 13:37

He has lied to you, however why can't he go and see her? Is there a back story? I know his DC is an adult but for the sake of peaceful relations I would have gone to see my ex in similar circumstances if there is no backstory?

PinkiOcelot · 02/03/2020 13:41

Why lie?! I can’t understand that at all. Why couldn’t he have just said he went to see her and took flowers.
It’s the lying that would bother me, not him going to visit her in hospital or the flowers.
It would be a dealbreaker for me tbh.

PickleMyPepper · 02/03/2020 13:42

It was wrong of him to lie and I'd ask him why he saw the need to.
But, for the sake of being civil, I don't think visiting his ex (his daughters mother after all) whilst she's (quite ill?) in hospital is such a big deal.
It wouldn't bother me, though the lying about it would.

Nekoness · 02/03/2020 13:46

It depends what your reaction would have been if he had told you he visited his ex. Are you controlling?
Sounds like you have the impression they don’t get along whereas the reality is that they do.

wowsertrousers · 02/03/2020 13:46

yep like the other PP, I wouldn't have a problem with him visiting his ex in hospital, or even taking her flowers, particularly if he visited her together with their daughter, but i'd expect him to be open about it, and obviously not lie about going to see her in the first place. have you argued about her before? is there any other 'innocent' reason for the lie?

cringyminge · 02/03/2020 13:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

Dontletitbeyou · 02/03/2020 13:50

Agree with Itbernay . Is there some story behind this . Why would he feel the need to lie about taking his ex flowers in hospital .
Is he the sort who lies about a lot of things , or is this out of character? Is there underlying problems between the three of you ( you , him and his ex ) in that he thought it would upset you if he’d said he’d visited her in hospital ?

Original poster
Pinkielove · 02/03/2020 13:50

Thank you - thats my feeling too - why lie ?
She isnt a brilliant Mum, but who I am to judge ? She always puts herself before her kids - she also has a son with another chap, in the past she has been manipulative and cunning and was always asking for money, despite the fact he always paid his maintenance over and above what he had to, shes a very different Mum to me, but thats not the issue now, yes she has been a thorn in my side years ago but now the daughter is grown up, the contact he has to have with her is minimal. I just cant get over the fact that he stood there this morning, looked me in the eye and told me he hadnt seen her, when her text raved on about how lovely the flowers were and how handsome he looked - believe me I can cope with that, I am a grown up, but the lying ????? And then I wonder what else he could lie about if that slips off his tongue that easily. Might ask him to watch the new series of Liar on ITV with me tonight and then tell him I know.

OP posts:
MashedSpud · 02/03/2020 13:51

Do you have previous issues with his ex? Did he lie to avoid an ear bashing and lots of drama/tears?

JudyCoolibar · 02/03/2020 13:52

Whether it's "huge" or not entirely depends on the back story. You'll need to fill us in if you want opinions.

MapMySleighRide · 02/03/2020 13:52

The lying is the issue here, although the exs comment about how handsome he is is pushing a boundary too I feel. Are you worried he still has feelings for her or she is trying to rekindle the romance? If there is no chance of that then I would be annoyed about the lie and call him out on it

Hadalifeonce · 02/03/2020 13:53

Agree with others, going to visit his sick ex with their daughter, no problem.

BUT the lie(s) is a huge thing for me, as I used to say to DC If you do something wrong, try to fix it, tell me; I might be cross but will be pleased you told me, do something wrong and lie about, I will be very angry! I am not saying visiting his ex is wrong, but it's the principle.

Friendsofmine · 02/03/2020 13:54

I would ask him, is there anything you think you should tell me and give him the opportunity to come clean.

I would be very concerned that he is a liar. It doesn't matter what your reaction would have been, we don't get to lie to avoid conflict. Not if we want to stay in a healthy relationship. He obviously pretends he doesn't like her when he does, hence the faux relief at not "having to see the ex" you shared.

Mamato2gorgeousboys · 02/03/2020 13:55

It sounds like he was worried about your reaction so he lied to avoid a row. Not quite what you’d expect from a grown man but from your posts, it doesn’t sound like you’re a fan of the ex and would have kicked up a stink about him going.

Strongmummy · 02/03/2020 14:00

Why did he feel the need to lie to you?

Friendsofmine · 02/03/2020 14:01

Also to add, if he is a chronic conflict avoider I'd be worried about what else he can't face dealing with.

MsDogLady · 02/03/2020 14:17

Being honest with you is not a priority.

If he says he lied to avoid your questions, anger, etc., tell him to stop shifting the blame.

Is lying a dealbreaker for you?

Original poster
Pinkielove · 02/03/2020 14:19

I dont dislike her as a person, I just dont agree with the way she has gone about some things in that past that have caused hurt, which he always seems to gloss over and make excuses for her. She just isnt like me, she isnt my idea of a caring mum, for example when their daughter was ill with glandular fever, she had a date so still went and left their daughter not only on her own poorly but responsible for her younger brother. She has gone bankrupt twice, despite inheriting a fortune from her parents, she is very irresponsible and despite the nastiness throughout their divorce 18 years ago, thinks she can crook her little finger and he will come running to help. I have no issue with him going to see her, none at all, we are all grown ups and she was well in the past, but its just the lying that is getting to me. Conflict follows him - his parents, his sister dont speak to him, my son cant abide him, my cleaning lady says hes arrogant and treats her like dirt because she is the hired help, but where the ex is concerned, he has his rose tinted glasses on and makes excuses for her. She doesnt bother me, if thats what he wants to do then fine, but I just feel now that over something really stupid, my whole trust has gone, and for me thats huge. He isnt working at the moment - his contract has finished and he says hes looking for another one - but is he ? I have found myself checking the Ring doorbell today, something I would never dream of doing, and all I have seen him to is clean the car and his motorbike and go out for 2 hours, coming back with a Sports Direct bag. Not job hunting then ?

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 02/03/2020 14:21

The lying is the issue.

Is he a good partner generally?

Are you happy?

How long have you been together and do you have kids of your own (with him)?

If the answer to two of those questions is no, I would say that looking you in the eye and lying like that is a big fucking sign that you should bin him.

Lying wrecks everything. It corrodes. You can't have a relationship with someone you fundamentally don't trust.

Lying about anything involving an ex partner simply cannot be worked around.

FizzyGreenWater · 02/03/2020 14:23

Conflict follows him - his parents, his sister dont speak to him, my son cant abide him

that's plenty. Leave.

You stay with a man your son can't bear?!

He's a waste of your time.

FizzyGreenWater · 02/03/2020 14:23

He isnt working at the moment - his contract has finished and he says hes looking for another one - but is he ?

and there you go, that's what being a liar creates.

BarbedBloom · 02/03/2020 14:24

I would have an issue about the lie, not visiting his ex. If I knew he could look me in the eye and lie so easily the trust would be gone and there's no relationship without it.

Techway · 02/03/2020 14:31

The fact your don doesn't like him and he treats the cleaner badly says he is not a nice man...and now you know he is a liar as well.

Why would you stay?

VeganCow · 02/03/2020 14:33

oh get rid for goodness sake, when it comes to the point of you stalking him via your ring doorbell, well, that says it all. Imagine being single and free of all his crap?

sunshineANDsweetpeas · 02/03/2020 14:43

He lied to you. End of, nothing more to add

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