Is this huge or am I making a fuss ?

[Pinkielove]

My partner went to visit his 23 year old daughter last weekend, she lives 4 hours away and he had booked a hotel for the night. His ex was in hospital as he is having issues with excess spinal fluid, so he said he picked his daughter up from home, they then collected her boyfriend and went out for the day. Good that you managed to avoid X I said, but was curious as to why his daughter didnt want to visit her Mum that day, as she was only admitted 2 days before. The answer came back that she was happy to spend time with her him, he hadnt seen her for ages and that she had arranged to visit her Mum when he had left on the Sunday. All very fine and well. Then last night while he was out, his ipad pinged a message from his ex, saying how lovely it was to see him last week, how very handsome and dapper he looked, and thanking him for the lovely flowers, so lovely were they that she was bringing them home with her as they were too nice to leave for the nurses. She went on to say she hoped he had enjoyed his weekend with their daughter and her chap, and finished with "big hugs xxxx" - I asked him again this morning in a round about way had he seen her, and he looked me in the eye and told me no. I see this as a huge betrayal, things are not good between us anyway but to lie like that to my face I just cant get my head around. Is it me ????

I've just read some of your other thread, it's a lot worse than this and you're still with him so what are you trying to get out of this one?

Yes, I did post on here before, and ended up being portrayed as the worst mother ever.
However ......

1. He signed the document so £140k of the equity is now safe
2. We have a window for the builders court case - it will be betwen 4 & 18 May, we have just lodged our schedule of loss and have made the builders an offer to settle before that date, however based on past performance I doubt they will, but not long to wait now
3. My son and his girlfriend move on 20 June into the flat - she needs to finish uni first but the tenant has been given notice and all is in hand there. Furniture on order and girlfriend not noted on any flat paperwork.

So - I did listen and things have moved on for me in a positive way. Despite the previous thread, I still think that when you are in a household together, for however long that me, then honesty is paramount. I think I have serious doubts over my ability to form character assessments and get them right, I just wondered if "in general" the flower and visiting issue would be viewed as a problem, or just something to get over, nothing to with my previous thread, just a general throw in the air type question. My son is very happy, he has his girlfriend, a good job, a baby on the way and a new home to look forward to, I am giving him all the love and support I can, so I dont consider myself a bad parent. If anything I am putting them before myself, and as the answers above show, I have listened and heeded the advice of everyone on here. Unfortunately court processes take time, and I cannot rush things, dates are dicated by the courts, not me, so I cant do anything any sooner.

I just wondered if "in general" the flower and visiting issue would be viewed as a problem, or just something to get over, nothing to with my previous thread, just a general throw in the air type question.

But context is everything and this is a discussion forum rather than a yes or no answer poll.

Yes, you posted about the flowers and visit but the discussion then move along to you mentioning he is widely disliked, doesn't get on with his family or your family including your son and he speaks to people he views as inferior like shit...

If an otherwise decent man fibbed about where he had been because he was a coward and thought you'd be unhappy about it then people might say he was a dick about it but not to let it become a huge sticking point in the relationship if he says he understands it was wrong and is apologetic.

In this case due to the further information about his character you've shared on this thread, let alone the other, it's clear he's a horrible partner, totally selfish and appears more than capable of lying on a regular basis.

ShesCurly - thank you.
I think I have been through so much and have been treated badly by the only 2 big relationships in my life, I start to doubt myself over whats right and wrong.
For example he had a cardioversion 2 weeks ago, where the heart is shocked into getting itself back into a regular rhythm, and then he had his first squash match after the procedure on Friday. All hell then broke loose because I didnt ask him how the match went or whether he felt better playing with a heart in better rhythm.
I was made to feel bad because I didnt ask, yet he went back to work the follwiing day, drove 5 houirs to Scotland, he was fine. To be honest 2 weeks had gone by and it didnt even dawn on me that it was his first game since the procedure, but I now wonder if hes right - am I a bad person for not asking or is he just being petty and a child ?
I think I am just doubting myself and my judgement in general and want to know what others think and what they would do.
I just cant judge any situation any more, the only place I feel truly valued and appreciated is work.

his parents, his sister dont speak to him, my son cant abide him, my cleaning lady says hes arrogant and treats her like dirt because she is the hired help
He’s vile, how can you let him treat the cleaner like that? Claiming you’re a fluffy mum yet your DH treats your son and another woman like shit and you allow it.
Kick his lying arrogant arse out.

My love you are unhappy with this man. You have been unhappy with him for at least a year based on your threads but from what you say, a lot longer than that.

You've sorted out the financials which is BRILLIANT. I was so worried you'd lose everything in your last thread.

So what is keeping you with him?

He does not make you happy.

I'm sorry but I don't see how you can dispute that. Every time you post you have another awful dickish thing he has done.

You are not mad or catastrophising his behaviour. The man is a cunt.

Why are you so determined to stay with him now the financials are secured?

I've been in two abusive relationships and fuck me it's been a long road but I'm in a happy and healthy one now. We are equals and he listens to how I feel and takes it on board. We compromise. We laugh every day. We take the piss out of each other jokingly but always with fondness. We are kind to each other and both kind to other people. He's proud of my work.

I HATE when people post shit like that usually because it sounds like bragging but I just want you to know that a relationship doesn't have to be like the one you have with him. I thought all relationships were really difficult to an extent that isn't true.

Do you not feel you'd be relieved to be out of this relationship so you can live the rest of your life on your terms?

ShesCurly - I am happy for you, I think all we ever want is to be happy, safe, secure and loved and thats what it was at first - everything in my garden was rosy. Believe me I would never have put my son in the relationship had it been like this at the outset, it wasnt. I felt I had everything, then he changed, and if this was a nnew relationship I would be walking today.
We have the court case coming up against the builders, until we get a win, which the surveyor is confident of, and then get the work rectified, the house wont sell as the building reg certificate was withdrawn due to shoddy work - we have endless issues, the worst of which has been rainwater pouring through the roof.
When that is done, and only then can the house sell and I can take my money back, its too big an amount to leave and my parents worked all their lives to leave me and my son secure.
The good news is that the document is in place, the court case isnt that far off and my son will be happy in the flat with his girlfriend, they will only be 3 miles from my office, so I will be on hand to help with the little one, there is light at the end of my tunnel and seeing them happy will boost me no end, then I can concentrate on the rest of my issues.
And I can take heart in that you escaped and are happy again, although I think until I get my judgements in my head straight, I think I will stay on my own and steer clear of commitment, I think its just not for me.