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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this huge or am I making a fuss ?

82 replies

Pinkielove · 02/03/2020 13:34

My partner went to visit his 23 year old daughter last weekend, she lives 4 hours away and he had booked a hotel for the night. His ex was in hospital as he is having issues with excess spinal fluid, so he said he picked his daughter up from home, they then collected her boyfriend and went out for the day. Good that you managed to avoid X I said, but was curious as to why his daughter didnt want to visit her Mum that day, as she was only admitted 2 days before. The answer came back that she was happy to spend time with her him, he hadnt seen her for ages and that she had arranged to visit her Mum when he had left on the Sunday. All very fine and well. Then last night while he was out, his ipad pinged a message from his ex, saying how lovely it was to see him last week, how very handsome and dapper he looked, and thanking him for the lovely flowers, so lovely were they that she was bringing them home with her as they were too nice to leave for the nurses. She went on to say she hoped he had enjoyed his weekend with their daughter and her chap, and finished with "big hugs xxxx" - I asked him again this morning in a round about way had he seen her, and he looked me in the eye and told me no. I see this as a huge betrayal, things are not good between us anyway but to lie like that to my face I just cant get my head around. Is it me ????

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 02/03/2020 16:37

Whose house are you living in? How long have you been together?

Original poster
Pinkielove · 02/03/2020 16:44

We have lived together for 10 years - he had the house before then I contributed my inheritance to make this a joint house.
Its instances like this that make my son dislike him, he is very protective and I have brought him up that lying is wrong. He is a good, honest, solid young man and I am very proud of him. He lives with us at the moment, but he and his girlfriend are having a baby on August 1 so are moving to their own place in a couple of months.

OP posts:
KellyHall · 02/03/2020 16:47

Are you sure he's lying and his ex is not just shit stiring? I thought you weren't allowed flowers in hospitals any more...

Original poster
Pinkielove · 02/03/2020 16:50

I dont see how she would have known I would see the message - its only because he left it on the bed when he went out - its usually in the study where I wouldnt have seen it - we dont share an iPad, it was just by sheer chance.

OP posts:
Walnutwhipster · 02/03/2020 16:51

I've spent a ridiculous amount of time in quite a few hospitals. None of them allowed flowers, even last year in a private room on Mother's Day.

BumbleBeee69 · 02/03/2020 16:54

10 years.. it's a long time to be still lying about an Ex

Pandamoore · 02/03/2020 16:57

So he lies about shit he doesnt need to lie about. Yeah I'd be wondering what other lies he tells to. Bet if you confront him, you'll somehow be made out to be the bad guy.

Your son has his head on straight. Your partner is a wrong'un. As they say on mumsnet: ltb.

SimonJT · 02/03/2020 16:58

Shes a shit mum but you forced your son to live with someone he doesn’t like from the age of 12?!

That aside, hospitals do not allow flowers. Secondly my ex really isn’t a very nice person, he got wind that I was going on a weekend away when I had only been with my current boyfriend a few months. He took it upon himself to comment on one of my instagram posts saying what a wonderful weekend he’d had with me.

AlternativePerspective · 02/03/2020 17:03

But OP, even if he’d taken her flowers the hospital wouldn’t have allowed her to keep them, so her saying that she’s taking them home because she doesn’t want to leave them for the nurses is clearly a lie on her part.

AlternativePerspective · 02/03/2020 17:04

And if he was in touch with his ex he’d hardly have left his iPad lying around would he?

AlternativePerspective · 02/03/2020 17:17

Ok, I have just done a quick advanced search and it seems that you have posted about this man before, were given pages and pages and pages of advice and then just let the thread go. And now you’re back with a different issue.

According to your other thread not only does your son hate him, they literally don’t speak, he hates your son, and the man’s own family have disowned him to the point that when his mother died no-one told him.

The story re his ex doesn’t add up here but this isn’t the issue is it? And yet you didn’t want help on the other thread.

I’m out.

Runnerduck34 · 02/03/2020 17:19

I can understand him going with his daughter to visit her mum , his ex, in hospital. If for no other reason than to support his daughter. The flowers are a kind gesture, mind you if he doesn't ever buy you flowers then I think you'd have every right to be peed off! He shouldn't have lied but maybe he knew how you would react ? I think your reaction is probably because you feel insecure in your relationship with him, do you think his ex is really a threat to your relationship or is it all water under the bridge? You really need to talk this through with him.💐

SistemaAddict · 02/03/2020 17:30

Maybe she's the one lying here but regardless, he's a twat and no one likes him. Leave him and put your son first.

SixesandEights · 02/03/2020 17:36

I've followed @AlternativePerspective to that thread.

How are you getting on with your partner signing the papers?

How's the court case with the builder?

Has your son moved into the flat yet?

Why are you bothered about him lying anyway, OP, since as soon as the court case has concluded, and as soon as he's signed the papers, you're going to leave? Whenever that might be.

Chinks123 · 02/03/2020 17:37

I’ve just been in hospital and I was allowed flowers...my mum brought me a bunch, and a nurse even got me a vase and water.

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 02/03/2020 17:51

What’s this about hospitals not allowing flowers Confused

Since when? Why?

Gutterton · 02/03/2020 18:01

Oh yes......I remember this poster and how she handed over all her cash to her thug of a BF......that thread went on for 10 months !

Also her DS moving into her pension plan property rent free with his GF and everyone telling her to make sure she had at least legally secured that property - now looks like the GF is pregnant.

I can only assume that her fretting over her BF seeing his ex of 18 years is some sort of drama distraction coping strategy to avoid looking at the real problems in her life ......

whiplashy · 02/03/2020 18:09

I was allowed flowers when I was in hospital

Walkingthedog46 · 02/03/2020 18:28

I was recently in hospital and was brought lots of flowers. They had flower lady volunteers who came round twice a week and said how nice it was to see flowers in the ward. They said it wasn’t true that flowers weren’t allowed in that hospital

SixesandEights · 02/03/2020 19:10

I can only assume that her fretting over her BF seeing his ex of 18 years is some sort of drama distraction coping strategy to avoid looking at the real problems in her life ......

Or we're going to read all this stuff in a novel one day!

letsdolunch321 · 02/03/2020 19:22

Are you friendly enough with dp daughter? If so, message her asking how the visit from her dad went?

VodselForDinner · 02/03/2020 19:23

my son cant abide him

Based on this, I don’t think you’re in any position to question someone else’s standard as a mother.

TorkTorkBam · 02/03/2020 19:27

LTB.

ShesCurly · 02/03/2020 22:41

Conflict follows him - his parents, his sister dont speak to him, my son cant abide him, my cleaning lady says hes arrogant and treats her like dirt because she is the hired help, but where the ex is concerned, he has his rose tinted glasses on and makes excuses for her.

The least relevant thing in this statement is the bit about his ex.

He sounds like an absolute arsehole. If my son said he hated my partner for treating me poorly and a cleaner said he spoke to her like shit... why on earth would I think he was a decent man?

Do you really want to be with someone like that?

He doesn't seem worth all this angst.

ShesCurly · 02/03/2020 22:43

Oh god it's you.

I remember your other threads, I can't believe you're still using all your headspace on this dickhead bully.

Based on previous threads, please don't make comments about other people's parenting.

Your poor son, I really hope he is doing ok.