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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this huge or am I making a fuss ?

82 replies

Pinkielove · 02/03/2020 13:34

My partner went to visit his 23 year old daughter last weekend, she lives 4 hours away and he had booked a hotel for the night. His ex was in hospital as he is having issues with excess spinal fluid, so he said he picked his daughter up from home, they then collected her boyfriend and went out for the day. Good that you managed to avoid X I said, but was curious as to why his daughter didnt want to visit her Mum that day, as she was only admitted 2 days before. The answer came back that she was happy to spend time with her him, he hadnt seen her for ages and that she had arranged to visit her Mum when he had left on the Sunday. All very fine and well. Then last night while he was out, his ipad pinged a message from his ex, saying how lovely it was to see him last week, how very handsome and dapper he looked, and thanking him for the lovely flowers, so lovely were they that she was bringing them home with her as they were too nice to leave for the nurses. She went on to say she hoped he had enjoyed his weekend with their daughter and her chap, and finished with "big hugs xxxx" - I asked him again this morning in a round about way had he seen her, and he looked me in the eye and told me no. I see this as a huge betrayal, things are not good between us anyway but to lie like that to my face I just cant get my head around. Is it me ????

OP posts:

WestCountryLady · 02/03/2020 14:45

He's broken the trust and with no trust there's no relationship, if he's nothing to hide then why lie?
I wouldn't stand for it but you set your own boundaries.

Original poster

Pinkielove · 02/03/2020 15:00

Thanks all, in my book, its not the issue thats the issue if you get my drift, its the fact that he lied, I am honestly not that bothered that he went, in fact its good support for his daughter who spends most of her time propping her Mum up, either financially, baby sitting, shopping etc. I dont want to turn into a Ring doorbell watcher or a phone snooper, thats not my style, but I was brought up to tell the truth and shame the devil as my Mum used to say. I dont think its the subject matter thats banging my head, its the fact that he saw fit to lie.

OP posts:

BumbleBeee69 · 02/03/2020 15:02

I'd be gone OP... he is a barefaced fucking LIAR.. not only that.. taking flowers bla bla bla.. it's not like he just popped in.. he went and bought flowers .... fuck that ... Liars are Liars...

I'd rather he was honest and said he'd visited... and don't let him put this on you by saying he didn't want the drama.. well he created the drama by LYING...

it would be a Bye Bye Birdie from me...

forrestgreen · 02/03/2020 15:03

Would he buy you flowers if you were ill?
How did he pay for them, hoping not a joint account

sunshineANDsweetpeas · 02/03/2020 15:18

I think it's good practice to be nice and support his daughter, by being nice to his ex, I wouldn't even be bothered he'd bought her flowers - but it's the lying I'd have a huge issue with.

PickleMyPepper · 02/03/2020 15:18

How you can slag her off as a mother, whilst going on to say, in the next breath, how much your son hates your partner is laughable.

What a hypocrite.

He has lied, you know that. So ask him about it. Don't play games, just tell him.

Mumto1girl3boys · 02/03/2020 15:24

@PickleMyPepper whats her son not liking him got to do with her being a bad mother? Her son is maybe a adult does he get to dictate who his mum is in a relationship with? What a shitty comment. Grow up

sendhelpppppp · 02/03/2020 15:37

How you can slag her off as a mother, whilst going on to say, in the next breath, how much your son hates your partner is laughable

What a hypocrite

eh? ops son not liking her partner doesnt make her a bad mother.

I would bin him op he is probably lying to you about a lot of things.

Original poster

Pinkielove · 02/03/2020 15:37

To be fair I havent slagged his ex off, I have just said that she isnt a pink fluffy wrap around Mum like me, but we cant all be the same. There is no Mum rulebook and we all have to do it our own way. What I dont like is that she has at times been a neglectful Mum, a manipulative ex where money is concerned, shes just not a very responsible person where caring for her kids is concerned. The fact my son doesnt like him either is a completely unrelated issue to anything to do with her, my son doesnt like him because of issues such as this, he feels I deserve better, and as a 22 year old man he has a point. And I am not a hypocrite, I have said that it is good he supported his daughter, that poor girl has seen her Mum lose her home twice due to poor money management and they have been out on their ear, its about time she got some support but wont come to live with us as she is 4 hours away and has a job, friends and a boyfriend. If anyone deserves a hug and a help, its her. These are not the issues though - the issue for me is the lying - end of

OP posts:

PickleMyPepper · 02/03/2020 15:41

So you'd all stay with someone who your child despised?
Adult or otherwise?

He doesn't hate him for no reason, especially if all other family can't stand the bloke either.

OP saying that she wouldn't call her partners ex a 'caring mother' while saying her son hates her partner?

sendhelpppppp · 02/03/2020 15:42

if my child was 22 and therefore an adult then yes i would do what i bloody well pleased.

AlternativePerspective · 02/03/2020 15:45

as a rule most hospitals don’t allow flowers.

Original poster

Pinkielove · 02/03/2020 15:50

AlternativePerspective - yes, I did wonder about the flowers although he had previously said she was in a room on her own. But then I thought that maybe she had been discharged and he delivered the flowers to the house when he picked their daughter up and there was no hospital visit ? Her text didnt confirm that - so is that something else I cant be sure of ??? Maybe they had a cosy family night on the Saturday ? If they did, thats fine but I just wish he hadnt lied about any of it

OP posts:

PerfPower · 02/03/2020 15:50

I think both would bother me, op. The buying her flowers and the lying. My ex did stuff like that, his reason for lying about his friendly relationship with his ex was because he didn't want me to be friendly with mine.

I'm laughing at the idea that staying with a man knowing that your grown up son doesn't like him = A Bad Mother.

AlternativePerspective · 02/03/2020 15:50

So you'd all stay with someone who your child despised? it’s not a black and white thing though is it? OP’s son is 22. He’s an adult, he is capable of living his own life and making his own decisions yet people think that his mum shouldn’t be allowed to do that?

I have a friend whose son hates her husband. There’s no particular reason, her other DS gets on with him fine, he is supportive of her etc etc, but her son screams at her that she needs to get rid of him. I’m afraid at 22 my response to that would be that if he hates it so much he can move out.

AlternativePerspective · 02/03/2020 15:51

Unless he isn’t actually lying and she’s stirring?

mamato3lads · 02/03/2020 15:55

I wouldn't like any of this but especially him buying her flowers and her calling him 'dapper and handsome'. Sounds flirty to me.

Add that to the fact he's lied about the whole thing just screams trouble. Hes dodgy and up to something, this would not sit right with me one bit. WHY LIE unless there's something to hide.

Original poster

Pinkielove · 02/03/2020 15:57

But why would she text to say thank you for the lovely flowers and how lovely it was to see him if he had been nowhere near ? Which is what he says.
None of this is about me being a good or a bad mother - I am the best mother I can be - every day I do my best for my son, but my parenting skills arent the issue here, its the fact I have a liar in my house and my son doesnt like that - be honest - whose son would ???

OP posts:

AlternativePerspective · 02/03/2020 15:59

@ mamato3lads or she is. You only have to see the responses on here to the message where everyone is automatically calling him a liar, saying he is up to something etc.

But maybe he isn’t? Maybe she’s single again now or similar and fancies stirring the pot by sending that message knowing that his partner may see it and jump to the conclusion that it’s him and get rid?

Hospitals don’t allow flowers. That for me would be the indication that he hadn’t actually been to visit her, added to which her flirtatious language, and while this man may not be a keeper for many reasons, I’m inclined to think that it’s the ex who has made this all up.

Janaih · 02/03/2020 16:15

Agree hospitals do not allow flowers, even more so in the current situation. I'd check what message he replies to her.

Partner sounds a bit of a tit overall though, liar or not.

crustycrab · 02/03/2020 16:23

Flowers aren't allowed in hospitals but she said they were too good to leave for the nurses. Weird

Original poster

Pinkielove · 02/03/2020 16:25

I dont think she would trip herself up like that though, she used to be a nurse so would know the rules.
Unless she was private ? Which I cant imagine as she has no money or health insurance - or he delivered them home ? Something doesnt add up and usually when you can smell bullshi* in the air, its lurking somewhere !!!!!!!!!
I didnt look for this message, he left his ipad when he went out and it came through on the front screen, but I will be checking now, which makes me sad as this isnt the kind of relationship I want or the kind of person I want to be. 18 years she has been gone and I never thought there would be aggro around her now.

OP posts:

Double3xposure · 02/03/2020 16:25

How long have you been with this man OP?

Do your live together? I know you said DP but some people use this to mean BF.

crustycrab · 02/03/2020 16:29

I couldn't be wasting much headspace on the ex really but the fact your son despises him would be enough for me

Epona1 · 02/03/2020 16:32

Well I guess what you need to know is what was his reply to that message if he has relied to it.

That should at least confirm if he did deliver flowers and where to

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