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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How much 'chasing' at the beginning of a relationship..?

112 replies

MascaraOHara · 06/09/2007 10:39

So this guy at work chased me for a bit and showed an interest, asked me out, took me for a fabulous night out on my birthday etc

A few weeks later however it seem to be me sending the first text etc he always seems keen in his response and what have you but I am starting to wonder if I should just not initiate the next date and see if he actually bothers.

What do you think? He hasn't given me anything to go on so I have no idea if he's interested/not interested or anything..

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 07/09/2007 14:14

He's just not that into you.

He sounds like he wants to keep it casual for now.

If that's okay with you, cool. If not, NEXT!

millie99 · 07/09/2007 14:14

I would say that sorry you're already out Sat night but could do a drink after work on Friday. Make him realise you can't be free on a SATURDAY at such short notice. I think Saturdays seem more important than Fridays (although I am an old saddo who never goes out).You can judge his reaction at your "quick drink" and see if he seems interested enough to arrange something else.

Then again what do I know.

Gadocd · 07/09/2007 14:16

this

expatinscotland · 07/09/2007 14:17

I wouldn't even waste a quick drink on this bloke. Time better spent with my kids.

You do have a life. As a mum, an employee, a daughter, a person with friends.

MascaraOHara · 07/09/2007 14:20

Ooooh, I'm not going to reply yet. See how I feel later.

OP posts:
bluejelly · 07/09/2007 14:22

My ex was like this with me, I thought he 'wasn't that into me'. In fact he was and was trying to play it cool cos he was worried about scaring me off!

I'd just meet up with him and enjoy it. It's always so difficult to read at the beginning, but it will all become apparent as things progress.

expatinscotland · 07/09/2007 14:22

I deffo wouldn't reply just now.

Maybe, if I were out with friends for a coffee or a drink after work I'd reply with, 'Oh, sorry, just saw this txt. Out with pals. Sorry I missed u.'

bluejelly · 07/09/2007 14:23

Having said that, is he really a 'control freak' as you mentioned earlier? If so might be better to steer clear. It's not a great quality in a person I think

EffiePerine · 07/09/2007 14:28

Well, if someone told me my 'luck had changed' and I 'needed someone to look after me' they'd be asking for a swift jab in the nads...

MascaraOHara · 07/09/2007 14:28

lol I'm a control freak too

2 weeks ago before I went on holiday I sat having a coffee with my friend saying how I really thought he liked me but was trying to play it down and now look at me.. completely the opposite. maybe he met someone else while I was away.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 07/09/2007 14:29

No shit, Perine.

The last guy who told me that, I should have known better than to believe him. I was already in my 30s, ffs!

He turned out to be a controlling arsewipe.

expatinscotland · 07/09/2007 14:29

What's for you won't pass you, MOH.

If it's this much work now, something's just not right.

MascaraOHara · 07/09/2007 14:30

lol, in fairness to him - I had told him I had the worst luck with men etc etc (before I satrted seeing him) it's kind of a standing joke in my office.

OP posts:
millie99 · 07/09/2007 14:30

On the other hand loads of men ,my DP included, are rubbish at forward planning/organising their social lives. Its Friday and the end of the working week and he may suddenly be wondering what he going to do this weekend. WHich is not v.flattering when you want him to have been thinking about you every day but sadly I think many men are like this or I've only met rubbish ones.

MascaraOHara · 07/09/2007 14:31

I think you're right.. I had kind of started backing off I guess anyway. I think I knew/know it's not quite right but just didn't want that to be the case I suppose. can't force somehting really.

OP posts:
mellowma · 07/09/2007 14:32

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 07/09/2007 14:33

I tried forcing for years. Thought all relationships had to be fraught with conflict on one level or another.

Couldn't have been more wrong!

5 years on with DH and everyday I relish the peace.

chocchipcookie · 07/09/2007 16:58

MH, it's really short notice to the point of showing no respect for you. The Rules are big on getting respect - you have a busy life and you can't just drop everyhting for him. Even if you don't you have to act that way. No way would I go out with him. You're busy, end of story, no explanation needed. What's the hotel for???

bluejelly · 07/09/2007 17:00

Disagree, i think he really likes you, just not very organised.

if he's your boss he is probably a busy man?

chocchipcookie · 07/09/2007 17:09

I remember when I was about 17 waiting for a boy to call - who didn't of course. And my Dad sat me down and said 'The only reason a bloke doesn't call is because he doesn't want to. He's not stuck up a mountain and he's not too busy.'
Now I'm 41 I know Dad was right. If a man is keen he will call, text, send flowers and generally get his bloody act together. My now DH flew 4000 miles to see me after we met and I made him stay in a hotel when he got here. I am sure that's part of the reason why I'm now his wife and not an ex girlfriend.
When men are dating they're on their best behaviour. So this is the best he's going to get, MN. If that's OK for you that's OK for you, it's always your choice.

skidoodle · 07/09/2007 19:16

you've been waiting all week for him to text. now he does and offers you two options for the weekend. why on earth would you pretend to have plans?

how utterly childish and absurd.

If you want to go out with him, go. Your Mum offered to babysit and you haven't made plans yet, so make plans with him if you fancy it.

Jesus, everything will be hard if you're going to become that complicated.

If he is used to you making all the arrangements it probably hasn't struck him until today. I agree with Millie99, my DH is also very disorganised about social plans and this is exactly the kind of thing he would do.

How is it rude to make plans with someone near the time you'll be free? I find the closer I am to people the more likely I am to see them at short notice. Long term weeks in advance plans are often with friends I see less often and am less close to. My best friends are the ones I call on Friday evening just to see what's happening and hook up with if it suits.

Sounds to me that he assumed you guys would hang out this weekend as that's the pattern, and when you didn't arrange it he wanted to see what was happening.

I would say you provisionally have your answer to the "is he interested?" question. The next question is for you: are you happy to go out with a man with whom either you make the plans or things happen last minute? [i can think of worse things]

On the other hand, if the reservations you mention are strong and he is your boss, then perhaps you should back off gently.

Please, whatever you do, don't make some stupid "principled" stand over the timing of his text. You wanted to see if he'd get in touch. He did. Now respond in an honest, mature and respectful way.

duke748 · 07/09/2007 21:01

I am not trying to start a fight here - but I don't think is unreasonable for him to offer you two nights and ask which is best for you. I think that is a mature and nice thing to do.

I think lying and pretending you are doing something when you are not is wrong. What happens if he asked how your night went. Do you then make up who you went out with, where to, what you did?

I think you might be over analysing things a little bit. If you want to see him, let him know which is best for you, Friday or Saturday. And see how the night goes.

If you really want to, when you next speak to him, tell him you usually need more notice for dates so you can organise a babysitter.

Hope it goes well for you.

FluffyMummy123 · 07/09/2007 21:02

Message withdrawn

collision · 07/09/2007 21:10

I think you should go out with him tomorrow night.

It is fine you were checking your phone to see if he was texting you because of course you were excited and now he has asked you out you should go.

Ignore Expat and Cod. You know what they are like

If it feels right then go and have a great time.

dont play hard to get if you want to get got!!

Ulysees · 08/09/2007 12:10

So what's the latest MOH?