I can't believe it

[herewegoagain123456]

Knew time poster but just need some help!!

So I have just woken up at my boyfriends house, he turned over to check the time on his phone and was taking a while....so my senses started tingling!

He got up to clean his teeth so I thought I would check.....low and behold a message from an unknown number with a broken heart sent!

He originally tried to say he doesn't know anything about it and then admitted she's from bumble but only got her number Thursday and still claims nothing has happened and doesn't no why she would send a broken heart 😢

There's more to this right?

I can't stop crying....I'm gutted as this isn't the first time so he was on his last thread anyway

Time. That is what it will take. It is still very early days it is natural to miss him.

There is no magic wand to get you through this bit, it's bloody hard but you just have to grit your teeth, keep busy and wait for those feelings to fade. Keep telling yourself you have to stick with your head and ignore your heart, you know all the logical reasons you need to stay away and logic is your friend right now.

Someone on another thread recommended writing down the five worst things he did during your relationship in very blunt terms and referring back to it every time you feel yourself weaken, don't know if that would help but it can't hurt! And fill the gap as best you can, don't sit dwelling on things, get up and do something, keep your mind too busy to think about him

Thankyou!

Yea I guess I'm just feeling like I'm going to feel like this forever. But it can only get better I hope!

I still have screenshots of all his messages with a girl he cheated on me with and everytime I used to look at them I would hate him...so I guess I better start looking at them again!

I also have a 6 page letter of all the things he did to me....I'll read that everytime I'm missing him too!

Luckily I'm going away this weekend so that should help!

I did see him in my gym yesterday so maybe that's why it's worse today.....he didn't speak to me or even look at me as he's not allowed.

Were you with your ex husband from being 12 or 13 years old?? Then straight into this relationship? You need time to learn to be on your own, it will do you the world of good. Never put up with this shit for so long again.

Hopefully the night in a cell will warn your ex off. If not, phone the police every single time he appears.

And change gym!

It's really early days and totally normal to miss him and grieve the relationship you thought you would have. But that isn't the relationship you ended up with and the reality of actually being with him was nowhere near good enough for you and certainly wasn't making you happy, remember that.

It absolutely will get better, seeing him is bound to be a trigger and it's no wonder you're struggling a bit today but it's all still really raw and recent. I'm glad you're going away for the weekend, distance and distraction is just what you need and I hope you have a lovely time Don't forget we're here anytime you have a wobble, you don't have to get through it on your own

He had got up in this girls face , punched the wall next to her face , followed her , hacked her fb , pushed her across the room . When she told him she wanted out , he got angry , threatened her , intimidated her verbally and physically . Her mum told her , as did her friends ‘ He’s going to go too far ‘ . She told them , he’s got a temper but it’s not like he would ever hurt me , not really .
She was wrong , obviously. I very much doubt , but can’t be sure , that she’s not on here so I’m not going into a great deal of detail ( as this incident was on the local news) but it’s worse than this as a young child was involved . This man received a fitting prison sentence , but it would be if little consolation to her family if she hadn’t pulled through
I haven’t heard of the freedom program , but if it’s to help you get and stay away , please please do it .
These men are master manipulators , write down every bad thing he has done to you , every time he scared you , hiw that made you feel . As many things as you can , and go over them in your head , then when he’s begging you , telling you that you are all he needs , cry’s , you go over those things in your head , and strengthen your resolve to leave . It’s not you he’s frightened of losing , its his control of you . That is it , bottom line . Please stay strong , you can do this , you don’t deserve to spend another day in fear xxx

Take a baseball bat and hit on his head. It will calm you down.

I was with my ex husband from age 14, then yes got straight with this guy after him so no I haven't been on my own ever! So yes I know I need some time on my own. Just not liking it atm like not having anyone as I don't have any family really not that I'm close too and all my friends are married etc! But I'll get there!

@Hidingtonothing Thankyou! I hope you all don't get fed up with me. But I really really can't go back there this time!

@Dontletitbeyou god that's sounds awful! I'm glad she was okay in the end! Yes I'm going to start the programme tonight. I need to learn to say no because it what I want and not worry about hurting other people's feelings

@George441 hahahaha....I wish I could! 😂

Have a look whether there's a Freedom Programme running you could get to in person, the online version is good but I think you'd get a lot more out of doing it 'in the flesh' so to speak.

I have looked into that before but it's on days I work unfortunately

Yes and change gym :)

Even if he doesn't speak to me in the gym?

As I don't have any other gyms near me I can get to at the times that I have got

Part of the reason you are missing him so badly is that he has become a habit. You are used to seeing him, to doting on him, doing what he says, accommodating his whims and, like any other habit that's bad for us, it will take time to break.

Can you try doing TOTALLY different things when you would have been doing something with him? So instead of going to the gym where you would have gone with him, or where you might see him, what about taking up outdoor running instead? Or work out at home? Instead of eating breakfast in front of the TV like you did when you were with him, go out for breakfast or have it in bed (just an illustration, I have no idea what you do for breakfast, but you see what I mean?) Change up your routine, your house, everything. It will help you stop missing him day-to-day as you will break those habits that you associated with him being there.

@Zaphodsotherhead yes that makes sense! I am currently decorating my house as that keeps me busy and it's nice to know it will be different from when he was last here!

I'm off work this week so I'm on my own a lot which I guess doesn't help but I'm giving myself this week to cry and grieve and then come Monday when things are back to normal, thats it....no more feeling sorry for myself!

I tend to keep myself too busy and not process things, so I guess this week I will do that and then we'll come tomoro as I'm away I will try and enjoy the weekend and forget about him!

It's so weird tho, like it hurts my heart at the moment....I have never had this feeling before! I don't think I'm a fan of break ups

Break ups suck massively, but you are totally doing the right thing here. You sound pretty switched on to it all, but just to reiterate: DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. If you've never had to deal with heartbreak from this side before, your brain may be about to do a whole heap of irrational things you wont necessarily be expecting, it's so easy to fall back into the path of least resistance. Remember the lies. Remember the aggression. Remember the truth about what he did.

Your conflicting emotions are not weird at all. I'd say it's almost a bereavement as well as a break up. It's not just the end of your relationship, the man you thought you loved actually doesn't and has never existed. You don't want to pick up the harassing, intimindating, violent, cheating scumbag that's stuck in the station. You want to pick up the man you loved. But he's not there. He never was.

Heartily recommend taking time out from relationships for a bit. Being single might feel a bit daunting right now, but being able to actually discover yourself as an individual is so healthy and healing. Best wishes.

My brain is already doing that! Why now is it just thinking about all the good times but then as soon as I'm with him all I can think about is the bad times! It's mad!

Thankyou for all your replies. They are helping!

Feeling a lot better now but I'm sure I will be up and down for a while

Here's a trick for checking your thinking I learned from MN.

Summarise your 6 page letter into one page. Read it a few times. Fold it up as small as you can. Put it in your pocket. Carry it on your person at all times. Whenever you start to feel sorry for him or start to think about the good times or think about getting back together, put your hand in your pocket and feel the solid lump of folded paper.

I find this works a treat.

I even do it at work if I have to have a difficult conversation with a difficult person. I make a little note of my objectives and red lines and keep the folded note in my pocket during the meeting. I tend to write it in undecipherable words and acronyms in case someone else were to see it.

That's a good idea!

Tbh nothing was really good about our relationship. I think it was more about having someone there to do stuff with....oh and the sex was amazing! But even that got shot as I was so resentful of everything he has done to me!

People who are controlling are very good at it and make you feel like you can’t be without them. As soon as you break free you’ll realise you were missing the drama that was ever present and not him.

I can't wait for that!

You can do the Freedom programme on line.

@herewegoagain123456, You have to do this if you are not then he will do the same with other girls as same what he did with you.