Strip club

[outherealone]

My bf went on friends birthday last week . The friend had talked about going to a strip club in the original party invite but then he deleted and cancelled everything and my bf just told me they were a small group (a few guys and one woman) going to dinner.
He was messaging me sporadically through the night with little ‘titbits ’ eg we’ve had dinner , we’re now in such and such pub, this person is being a dick, all that kind of stuff. He never mentioned a strip club and messaged me after on the way home saying the evening had been ‘very entertaining’
We hadn’t seen each other since but are in regular contact (ldr)
Then whilst out last night he’d mentioned the birthday and he said that his friend had had a private lapdance.
I replied ‘oh so you went to a strip club and were messaging me throughout the eve etc but never thought to mention you were there?’ he said ‘well i haven’t seen you since then...’
he only mentioned it in passing and said ‘I didn’t have a dance but I chatted to a couple of the girls to pass the time, as you do’
I’m like, ’oh funny you never mentioned it when we were texting that eve whilst you were out‘
I was also a bit hmmm about him chatting to girls sho were probably pretty much naked and mega hot (I have huge body issues due to disability)
He said he didn’t get a private dance as ‘there’s no point it doesn’t lead to anything even if I wasn’t single‘ ... so I said ‘but you watch porn knowing it doesn’t lead to anything’ and he was ‘yeah I suppose that’s true,’
So now I’m not sure if he’s told me the whole story or if half true? he said two of the guys had a private dance , didn’t mention the woman in the group but if another guy didn’t get a private dance why did my bf have to chat to the strippers?
I’m so bloody rattled that We were messaging and he never mentioned it!
he has form for omitting information to evade/avoid ‘awkward discussions’ but in this case he willingly told me but days later.

I was also mildly pissed off that he’d gone in the first place as his friend is vile and had recently sent me inappropriate messages and my bf never addressed it with him. The friend has form for cheating on other friends with their wives and girlfriends but that’s by the by...
I didn’t want to spoil our evening out so had to park it really...Not sure how im feeling about it now, am I normal to be a bit rattled ?
Thoughts and feelings aside about ethics , I’m not even going there at this point.

Perhaps you should. And then square it with him lying to you.

@bitoffun do you see it as actually lying? He did tell me of his own volition but days later.
Time that in itself feels off, but...
I have a very anxious and suspicious mind so I’m never quite sure when I’m over reacting.
I am having therapy atm which is for trauma but incorporates the fact that I’m always on red alert, and have terrible reactions to things where I feel someone’s not being honest or upfront

This would be a complete deal breaker for me.

And most women with decent standards.

Haha at your decent standards comment! Maybe take the stick out of your arse!

I've been to a strip club with and without my partner and vice versa, no issue with it at all. Do you trust your partner? I wouldn't say he lied because he has told you about it. Ask him in future to tell you at the time if he knows you'd be uncomfortable about something.

Yes, he lied. He didn't give you the full contemporaneous picture, but he deceived you that he had.

I'm guessing that he assumed once he had come clean, you'd feel too awkward to kick up a stink.

I wouldn't be happy about it. If it was all so innocent he could have told you in a text.

If he was bored at the club whilst his mates were having their private dances, he could have txt or called you.

That's just my opinion.

gaffer, why should the OP give a shite about your particular peccadillos? She would hardly be posing the question if she shared your point of view. You've certainly got no right to mock other opinions.

Take whatever stance you like, but it's not exactly the only opinion on the table.

I think you seriously need to chill out. You are allowing your own insecurities to take over any rational thoughts here.
I find the the whole texting you updated a bit weird if I'm honest. Do you not tryst him to go on a night out with his mates like a normal human being? It appears not!
I think perhaps this is more about underlying trust issues than the actual strip club itself.
I've been to strip clubs with friends, nigh male and female. It's really not a big deal.

The lie Or omission of detail would be an issue for me also, but he may know you would feel uncomfortable about what happened. If this was reversed for male strippers that you visited then omitted to say, what would his reaction be? I understand that you feel anxious and suspicious I think I would react similar. Otherwise is the relationship good? Do you trust him normally?

The constant texting when he’s on a night out is proper weird. I’d be more worried about that

Not sure how im feeling about it now, am I normal to be a bit rattled ?

Yes.

Also guys who go to strip clubs for non stag do events (not that I even think stag did are an excuse, there are guys who go.on adventure/outdoorsy things instead of cities & strip clubs for stag dos) and who cheat on their partners don't seem like a great reflection of who your bf chooses to be mates with.

Are you all that Invested? Sometimes it's better to cut your losses than try to change who someone hangs out with and the mindset that goes with that (in fact you'd just be accused of being controlling).

To be honest I couldn't get worked up about a strip club at a birthday party.
And the talking to woman part.. He was probably just interested because he's probably never met a stripper before.

And for those that think it's gross for men to watch that sort of stuff... Woman go to male strip sclubs bet you wouldn't say it about them.

Also if I had a nice body and it paid well then I would shake my booty for money too.

Also all the women who are so "liberated" going to (female) strip clubs ... U less you're bi or a lesbian, who wants to go along and support other women getting their kit off and humping and grinding for the visual stimulation and pleasure of men. You're trying to hard to be a cool girl - just end up being a ball licker.

Find a male strip club, there are some. I found one in Streatham in.london, dunno if it's still going.

It was after my do went into one on a stag do, you'd be amazed at what "perspective" a guy's gf going into a male strip club/show gives to guys who get to do it to their partner, but not have it done to them.

I think that if you have a long distance relationship (I have in the past) it is normal and healthy to say some things face to face when you next meet. It would have been worse for him to tell you by text IMO.

Maybe the visit in itself is a deal breaker for you - it is for some people and that's fine - but I don't think he has lied about this if he told you the next time he saw you in person.

who cheat on their partners don't seem like a great reflection of who your bf chooses to be mates with.

This ^

The strip club in itself would be a dealbreaker for me but even worse the socialising with a friend who regularly tries to sleep with his mates’ wife? Sent you inappropriate messages and your bf is too nervous to mention it to him. I’d be more worried on the influence this guy has on your bf.

You can’t and shouldn’t try to change him. If it is the company he chooses to keep, he might not be the guy for you.

The whole strip club thing is something that's fine for some men cause they're never on the receiving end of it; watch their attitudes change about his it's "only a bit if fun" and "harmless" and ",doesn't mean anything" etc when it's their gf/partner who's having a hot person of the opposite sex strip and grind on them etc.

It's all based on hypocrisy and double standards.

Honestly the strip club would bother me a little, but his reaction to his friend sending you inappropriate messages says a lot more to me about who he is. That is a red flag.

He goes to strip clubs and watches porn. He views women as objects.

He knew he couldn't fuck the sex club worker, so never paid for a dance.

He sounds wonderful. Quite the catch you have there.

He uses porn and goes to strip clubs my guess is he's a misogynist

Weirdly he doesn’t present as a mysoginist (sp) at all. More a hedonist..,
Yeah I’m pissed off he never confronted his friend re me but he is very ‘chilled’ and I think has just ‘noted’ for future ref. It annoys me cos this bloke is an absolute cunt and bf doesn’t seem like this at all although is typically self serving he’s always lovely to me and everyone who knows him thinks he’s lush and he’s great to his kids who all live with him etc.

I didn't even fully absorb what you said about his mate you inappropriate messages and his response (or relative lack of).

They don't have much by why of standards, do they.

Misogynist - if every man who watches porn is a misogynist, then the vast majority of men are misogynists.

Strip clubs I would view as further along the line, and going into them not in a stag do I'd see as evidence if a sleazy, sex driven, toxic masculinity thing among he and his mates.

Hedonist - not sure that makes him any better relationship material though.

*way of

My boyfriend went to a strip club at the start of our relationship with his brothers. He never told me and one day while out with his brothers they drunkenly mentioned it. I mean his brothers a dick so he was trying to cause trouble. But I couldn’t care less. He wouldn’t of done anything, I trust him massively. It’s just something that seems like a bit of a laugh when they’ve had a few to drink. Question is do you trust your fella. He wouldn’t of been messaging u all night imo if he had intentions of doing something he shouldn’t. Oh and A LOT of people on here need to get that giant stick out of there behinds. Just coz a guy watches porn it doesn’t mean he’s got issues. It means he wants a wank

@Sadiesnakes - don’t be so silly. Your standards are your truth other people have different standards. It doesn’t make your standards better or worse, just different. What do you think of the dancers in these clubs ? Actually I don’t want to know

Op - I really think you should sit down and speak to your partner about this. I think you’re still hurting over him not being more protective when his mate was being inappropriate. ThAt would really hurt me. My husband going to a strip club / having a private dance wouldn’t bother me FWIW.

@GilbertMarkham I felt similar until I spoke to a number of dancers in a female strip club. They said how empowered they felt , loved their job, loved the money, felt safe. Changed my perspective on the whole matter