Strip club

[outherealone]

My bf went on friends birthday last week . The friend had talked about going to a strip club in the original party invite but then he deleted and cancelled everything and my bf just told me they were a small group (a few guys and one woman) going to dinner.
He was messaging me sporadically through the night with little ‘titbits ’ eg we’ve had dinner , we’re now in such and such pub, this person is being a dick, all that kind of stuff. He never mentioned a strip club and messaged me after on the way home saying the evening had been ‘very entertaining’
We hadn’t seen each other since but are in regular contact (ldr)
Then whilst out last night he’d mentioned the birthday and he said that his friend had had a private lapdance.
I replied ‘oh so you went to a strip club and were messaging me throughout the eve etc but never thought to mention you were there?’ he said ‘well i haven’t seen you since then...’
he only mentioned it in passing and said ‘I didn’t have a dance but I chatted to a couple of the girls to pass the time, as you do’
I’m like, ’oh funny you never mentioned it when we were texting that eve whilst you were out‘
I was also a bit hmmm about him chatting to girls sho were probably pretty much naked and mega hot (I have huge body issues due to disability)
He said he didn’t get a private dance as ‘there’s no point it doesn’t lead to anything even if I wasn’t single‘ ... so I said ‘but you watch porn knowing it doesn’t lead to anything’ and he was ‘yeah I suppose that’s true,’
So now I’m not sure if he’s told me the whole story or if half true? he said two of the guys had a private dance , didn’t mention the woman in the group but if another guy didn’t get a private dance why did my bf have to chat to the strippers?
I’m so bloody rattled that We were messaging and he never mentioned it!
he has form for omitting information to evade/avoid ‘awkward discussions’ but in this case he willingly told me but days later.

I was also mildly pissed off that he’d gone in the first place as his friend is vile and had recently sent me inappropriate messages and my bf never addressed it with him. The friend has form for cheating on other friends with their wives and girlfriends but that’s by the by...
I didn’t want to spoil our evening out so had to park it really...Not sure how im feeling about it now, am I normal to be a bit rattled ?
Thoughts and feelings aside about ethics , I’m not even going there at this point.

OP - your bf is an adult and can chose on his own who to be friends with. You can dislike some of them, but I am not sure why you feel entitled to control it.
If he friend was inappropriate to you - as an adult yourself - you can tell him off yourself. Not sure why you seem to expect someone else to act on your behalf.
The constant texting and reporting on his movements while out with friends is weird just as well.
If he does it because he likes to - fair enough. But if it’s something you expect and demand - again it is controlling and not a great basis for a relationship.

He did smth that makes you uncomfortable. He told you. It’s up to you to either deal with it, or leave and not deal with it. Making any issue and giving him a hard time is only a reflection on you.

• I felt similar until I spoke to a number of dancers in a female strip club. They said how empowered they felt , loved their job, loved the money, felt safe. Changed my perspective on the whole matter"

I wasn't talking about how the (female) strippers feel.

I was talking about hetero women who.go into (female) strip clubs with men and play along cause they think they're cool girls.

I have no problem with my OH going to strip club on stag do. He is always open about it beforehand and therefore it would annoy me if I felt he didn’t mention it as it would be weird that he negated to say

@PositiveVibez THIS!!

If he friend was inappropriate to you - as an adult yourself - you can tell him off yourself. Not sure why you seem to expect someone else to act on your behalf.

Wtf?!

Any normal, decent person with boundaries would have a problem with, and express that problem - to a "friend" sending inappropriate messages to their partner. In fact many would cool or end the "friendship" altogether.

Strip club at all is a deal breaker for me. I would never be okay with it.

@GilbertMarkham Exactly!! My bf would flip his shit if his friend sent me inappropriate msgs, their friendship would be 100% over.

The fact that he's done nothing and possibly taken a wait and see approach, demonstrates the sane lack of standards and boundaries that has him hanging out with a serial cheater and frequenting strip clubs (not even on stag dos).

None of us have seen those inappropriate messages.
It is entirely possible that given that OP and her bf disagree on issues - for eg if it’s appropriate to go to a strip club with friends - It goes to saying that it is highly likely that OP and her Bf’s position on those

... It goes to saying that it is highly likely that OP and her Bf’s position on those messages also differ.
All I am saying is that we don’t have a full story.

And yes - I do think that as an adult woman - I should stand up for myself. And bf should too. But I’d have given his friend a piece of my mind before running to bf. 🤷🏻‍♀️
Even if it was just some drunken innuendo - or inappropriate joke - which is the best guess I have about what happened.
It’s unlikely his friend outright propositioned her.

@GilbertMarkham I have been before and have enjoyed a lap dance. I’m happily married to a man. I don’t think I’m a “cool girl” I just enjoy the beauty and sexuality of the women. Sorry if that offends

Ok... I love that a little bunfight has ensued in my absence. Mission: accomplished (jokes).
So we discussed it further and i feel less stressy about it now. I do trust him, just he’s been overly cagey about stuff in the past and I thought we had moved past that and this kind of made me feel vulnerable again, knowing that he’s in a strip club and not mentioned it to me put me on my guard as previously omissions have meant something that he doesn’t want me to know so that I don’t spoil his fun.
We have got better at talking and being open, part of it is to do with my issues, part of it is to do with his, and we are getting at understanding where each other’s boundaries are. i just like to know stuff when it happens, not a week later and I guess when I’m used to him telling me minor details about daily things and nights out etc it felt like a lie by omission.
I believe ‘nothing’ happened and I’m pretty sure if I went to a strip club and the strippers were chatting to me and my friends, I’d chat back. I was meant to go to a male strip thing for a hen do but it fell through. He thought I wouldn’t have issues with strip club but I actually didn’t want to go to the men’s show, I was going along with it for the sake of the bride and was over the moon when the show was cancelled.
And with regards to him regularly messaging, I do not demand this and neither am I controlling. It’s something he’s always done, not just when out but during the Day, minutiae stuff a lot of the time, sometimes it’s quite cute, sometimes it’s tmi but I guess it helps to keep us close when we don’t see each other often.
I also asked if he mentioned the messages re me from his friend and he said that his friend brought it up and said it was a massive overstepping if the mark when drunk.
I had not ignored it and left it to ‘the man’ to sort out but I’ve met this guy once. I responded with a sarky comment and made it clear I hadn’t welcomed the messages and he sent quite a defensive one back. I left it there because i saw no point in continuing the conversation and was seeing my bf later that day anyway so just showed him the messages. The friend said he’d been drunk and from what I can gather uses this to excuse a lot of twattery. I don’t understand why they’re still friends as he often ends up pissing off bf for various reasons but they’re old friends and not all my friends are perfect either. I’m in no hurry to hang out with him again. The one time I met him I couldn’t wait to get away from him, but he’s also very popular with lots of people, very arty and has a very good and ‘cool’ job, apparently I’ve just seen the worst of him, but that’s enough to base my decision on.

The messages from his friend were actual screen shots of photos of me and zoomed in on some of them and telling me how beautiful I am but he doesn’t want to step on my bfs toes and sent a few along those lines. It was several messages in one go, really gushing.
I’d been asleep and woke up to them. I was creeped out but also it compounded for me what an absolute arsehole he is. I think it’s partly what fucked me off about stripper night Is that not only was he out with this wanker but also supporting him to get his ego fed by sex workers and going along with it knowing that this guy has no morals and had I been up for it would have shagged his girlfriend. Apparently they’ve had ‘discussions’ about him cheating with other friends’ gfs. Bf trusts me and also knows how I feel about this guy so he said he knew that I’d made it clear how I felt and didn’t feel it needed intervention from him.
There’s been situations in the past where he’s offered to intervene and I’ve always said I’ll sort it in the first instance and if I need back up we can reconsider it.
I am very sensitive and sometimes wonder if an ldr is the best thing for me but I’m also in therapy and maybe it’s a good thing in terms of me learning how to deal with my impulsive freak outs etc

Supporting the exploitation of women by even entering a strip club is not "nothing" to me

I have been before and have enjoyed a lap dance. I’m happily married to a man. I don’t think I’m a “cool girl” I just enjoy the beauty and sexuality of the women. Sorry if that offends

Whatever blows your skirt up.

Nothing beautiful or sensual about paying a woman to act like she fancies you.

@nacher I can assure you the dance was beautiful , sensual and our chat afterwards was very enlightening.

ugh sleazy

@Strongmummy I find that quite sad that you would have to pay someone to get something 'beautiful and sensual' though......
I'm sure many strippers/lapdancers enjoy their jobs and feel empowered or whatever, but she's not going to tell you (a client) otherwise is she?

I think Strongmummy is one of those 'sex people'.

Grim

do you see it as actually lying?

@outherealone Yes, worse than lying, as he deliberately portrayed the evening as other than it was.

It's all a bit sleazy and degrading TBH, if he had any respect for you he wouldnt have gone.

My BF said his son, who will have a stag do in the near future, had suggested a strip club.

I said well you know my thoughts, it's a deal breaker.

He said what shall I do if he suggests it, I said tell him it's degrading to women and very out dated.

He agreed and said he will go to a different pub and wait for them, if they are insistant on going.

@nacher what do you mean? 🤣🤣 I’m a 42 year old mother of 2 in a well paid City job.

@anotherdisaster - yes this is true, but she seemed very honest. Gave me the pros and the cons.

Not telling you is as bad as lying