Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does anyone elses partner act 'off' when you go out?

98 replies

NameyChangeyBaby · 29/02/2020 15:08

My husband never goes out for drinks or anything like that. It's not his thing and never has been.

I feel like this causes us a lot of issues because I still do enjoy going out with friends every now and then but because he doesn't 'get it', he uses it against me as if I'm just much more immature than him for wanting to go out drinking, we can't possibly be properly matched etc...

He regularly ruins nights out because of being either subtly moody or downright nasty.

He has serious trust issues which he acknowledges but it's as if the only way he'd be satisfied is if I just never went out, rather than accepting it's an issue for him to sort out, not me.

He tells me he doesn't understand why I dress up, wear make up, do my hair etc... To go out other than to attract men. He hates it if I dance in a club/bar because apparently that's also just to attract men. He gets incredibly moody if I go into the city, to actual bars/clubs. He's not too bad about local pubs but hates if I go anywhere like that.

I'm going out tonight and so far he's seemed okay but I just know when it comes to the time of me starting to get ready etc he'll start being 'off'. The times he's actually made comments like the above were a while ago, now he just acts moody but won't say anything outright.

He'll ask questions though like where I'm going, who with, what time do I think I'll be back, how will I get getting home? Which can seem just curious but the way they are said I can tell is with annoyance.

Last time I went out with friends I'd not seen in a long time (way before Christmas), he text me asking where I was at about 1am, I said I was in the pub and just finishing our last drinks. Queue rambling about why I'm in a pub at 1am, why do I need to still be out at that time etc etc...

Surely there's nothing wrong with an adult being out until 1/2am on very very very rare occasions?!

We did go through a time where he'd come out with me with friends and their partners but he always ruined it when we got back with some argument or another about a way I'd acted or something.

It's obviously jealousy, insecurity and controlling. I've tried saying this but he just acknowledges he has issues but I should 'respect that'. I guess he means by stopping going out at all.

OP posts:
LovingLola · 29/02/2020 15:12

That is no way for you to live.
Do you have children?
Would you consider leaving him ?

12345kbm · 29/02/2020 15:15

He's controlling OP and manipulative and you need to get out of the relationship.

n00bMaster69 · 29/02/2020 15:15

He's abusing you.

Original poster
NameyChangeyBaby · 29/02/2020 15:15

We don't have children together but he does. That's another thing he uses. Because we usually have them every weekend, why wouldn't I want to stay in with my family and spend time with the kids etc...

I wouldn't consider leaving myself, I've got to a point now where I just do it anyway and tell him he's welcome to leave if he doesn't like it.

It's hard because, I know no one will believe this, but at all other times he's perfectly nice and we get on well and have a good relationship. It's only when something like this comes up that this nastiness comes out and he's like a different person.

I've started to ignore him or just tell him I'll show him where the door is in a calm way and then usually he'll start to realise how ridiculous he's being. If I engage though it just ends up in a row. So I've stopped now. Not stopped going out but stopped paying his moods as much attention as I used to.

OP posts:
category12 · 29/02/2020 15:17

Yes, it's controlling and potentially trying to isolate you from friends.

If you plan on staying with him, continue to go out and don't pander to this behaviour.

He is the one who should be working on changing his behaviour.

Do you have dc? If you don't, I would keep it that way - this kind of stuff tends to ramp up.

Is he controlling in other ways?

SomeonesRealName · 29/02/2020 15:18

He's abusive - with no kids in the picture you should at least think about leaving him and creating a life for yourself where you are free to maintain friendships with other people without having to endure bullying behaviour. Do you want children in the future?

Original poster
NameyChangeyBaby · 29/02/2020 15:19

Last time we went out together he stropped off (in front of our friends), because I was 'talking to a man at the bar'.

I'd literally gone to the bar, 5ft from where we were all stood as a group, and just said excuse me to a guy stood there. The poor lad was about 18. After that it was all 'what were you saying to him, what were you talking about, you didn't just say that, no way' etc etc ...

It's like he turns from a nice person into a crazy one in 5 seconds.

That was also the time he got in a mood with me from the minute we left the house as apparently I was dressed like a slag Hmm I wasn't.

OP posts:
12345kbm · 29/02/2020 15:19

What are you looking for in the thread OP? What information or advice are you looking for here?

category12 · 29/02/2020 15:20

You need to dump him.

RandomMess · 29/02/2020 15:20

I wonder if he was the same with his ex?

n00bMaster69 · 29/02/2020 15:20

It's hard because, I know no one will believe this, but at all other times he's perfectly nice and we get on well and have a good relationship. It's only when something like this comes up that this nastiness comes out and he's like a different person.

The vast majority of abusers act like kind and loving partners a lot of the time, they do it as a way to get you to stay, to doubt yourself that you are being abused.

Honestly, if you're fine with it all and not even going to think about leaving then why post?

Original poster
NameyChangeyBaby · 29/02/2020 15:21

Is he controlling in other ways?

No but he convinces himself I'm going to run off with someone or hook up with someone else when I'm out. It's like he can't help himself, the thought of other men speaking or looking at me makes him incredibly insecure and then that gets taken out on me even though he acknowledges it's his problem.

Honestly the way it sounds you'd think I were some sort of super model, I'm not! I'm just an average looking woman, I don't have tonnes of blokes falling at my feet the way he makes out.

OP posts:
n00bMaster69 · 29/02/2020 15:22

Op, do you like that he is jealous and controlling? Do you think it means he loves you a lot?

Original poster
NameyChangeyBaby · 29/02/2020 15:22

I don't know, I guess I just wondered if anyone elses partner acted like this.

I don't want to leave, I want him to get help for his quite evident trust issues.

OP posts:
LeavingTheTable · 29/02/2020 15:23

My SIL treats my brother like this. He has gone from having dozens of mates to just staying at home with her and her moods. It's abuse.

ineedaholidaynow · 29/02/2020 15:23

How did you meet him? Why did he and his ex split up?

tiredanddangerous · 29/02/2020 15:23

I couldn’t live like this. Why are you still with him?

Original poster
NameyChangeyBaby · 29/02/2020 15:24

Op, do you like that he is jealous and controlling? Do you think it means he loves you a lot?

No it's embarrassing. Especially on the occasions our friends have been with us.

OP posts:
NeverHadANickname · 29/02/2020 15:24

So many of these threads recently. It is not normal, he should be happy you want to go out and socialise. He should either get help or if he wont I would leave. This will not get any better.

12345kbm · 29/02/2020 15:26

OP it has nothing to do with you being a supermodel or having men falling at your feet. He calls you a 'slag' because he hates women and he's trying to control you. He's chipping away at your self confidence and trying to isolate you.

He's doing that, not because of anything you're doing but because he's abusive. His behaviour will get worse, not better and he's not going to change. This is who he is.

You are being advised not to have children with him and to get out of the relationship because it's going to get worse. It always does.

SomeonesRealName · 29/02/2020 15:26

He doesn't have trust issues he has a need to control you.

MiniGuinness · 29/02/2020 15:26

he got in a mood with me from the minute we left the house as apparently I was dressed like a slag what does a slag dress like please? Because no one in my life has ever said anything like that to me, especially my husband. You know that is disgusting don’t you? Leave his misogynistic arse, don’t you want more from life than being stuck with a boring, abusive twat for the rest of your days?

Hammer19 · 29/02/2020 15:27

I had a bf like this once. It got to a point where I stopped going out because it wasnt worth the moods/stick I'd get from him. I finally woke up one day and decided not to put up with it anymore.

My H and I go out separately, as long as the other of around to look after the dc it isn't a problem.

If you want to remain in this relationship you have to ignore his behaviour. But ultimately up to you to decide if he is worth it

Original poster
NameyChangeyBaby · 29/02/2020 15:30

It's hard. I get it's wrong, really I do and I've come close before to just telling him to fuck off. But it's not as easy as that, well at least it doesn't feel it anyway, because I do love him and I like our relationship, most of the time.

One thing I have done now is I refuse to go out with him anymore. I'm not doing joint nights out again. He ruined that so I refuse now.

OP posts:
category12 · 29/02/2020 15:33

Ask him to go to therapy. Tell him the behaviour is threatening the relationship and he has to stop, and if he can't stop on his own, he needs to get help.

Swipe left for the next trending thread