Does anyone elses partner act 'off' when you go out?

[NameyChangeyBaby]

My husband never goes out for drinks or anything like that. It's not his thing and never has been.

I feel like this causes us a lot of issues because I still do enjoy going out with friends every now and then but because he doesn't 'get it', he uses it against me as if I'm just much more immature than him for wanting to go out drinking, we can't possibly be properly matched etc...

He regularly ruins nights out because of being either subtly moody or downright nasty.

He has serious trust issues which he acknowledges but it's as if the only way he'd be satisfied is if I just never went out, rather than accepting it's an issue for him to sort out, not me.

He tells me he doesn't understand why I dress up, wear make up, do my hair etc... To go out other than to attract men. He hates it if I dance in a club/bar because apparently that's also just to attract men. He gets incredibly moody if I go into the city, to actual bars/clubs. He's not too bad about local pubs but hates if I go anywhere like that.

I'm going out tonight and so far he's seemed okay but I just know when it comes to the time of me starting to get ready etc he'll start being 'off'. The times he's actually made comments like the above were a while ago, now he just acts moody but won't say anything outright.

He'll ask questions though like where I'm going, who with, what time do I think I'll be back, how will I get getting home? Which can seem just curious but the way they are said I can tell is with annoyance.

Last time I went out with friends I'd not seen in a long time (way before Christmas), he text me asking where I was at about 1am, I said I was in the pub and just finishing our last drinks. Queue rambling about why I'm in a pub at 1am, why do I need to still be out at that time etc etc...

Surely there's nothing wrong with an adult being out until 1/2am on very very very rare occasions?!

We did go through a time where he'd come out with me with friends and their partners but he always ruined it when we got back with some argument or another about a way I'd acted or something.

It's obviously jealousy, insecurity and controlling. I've tried saying this but he just acknowledges he has issues but I should 'respect that'. I guess he means by stopping going out at all.

Move on, why would you want to spend every weekend staying in with someone and their kids, go out and have fun with friends, plenty of other single blokes out there who like going out occasionally.

Do you think therapy could work for something like this?

I can imagine his response to the suggestion though would be something like, 'I know I have a problem but I think you just need to be more mindful of it'.

What do you like about your relationship with him?

As PP asked: What do you want from posters on this thread? Are you looking for a group moan about jealous and controlling partners?

OP no one has a right to tell you what to wear, call you names, humiliate you in public, tell you who you can or cannot talk to or otherwise control you.

He's nice sometimes because if he wasn't, you'd dump him. It's on the power and control wheel. The nice times are the honeymoon period and they will get fewer and further between. Tension builds when you're going out and you can expect him to kick off, then he'll be 'nice' and then the whole thing will start off again.

You're in an abusive relationship and it's going to get worse.

Which is more of the same controlling bullshit.

Mine used to, he's an ex.

Op, one day when you ignore his protestations and go out he is going to make you pay when you get back.

I've seen it time and time again. It always escalates, always.

You know it's not normal, you know it's abusive. We are all telling you to get out of this totally dysfunctional relationship but you won't accept it. Just because he's OK when he's got you where he wants you, it doesn't mean it's a good relationship.

You are young and childfree and it's so important you make the right decision about your life-partner. We are not the ones who'll suffer long-term if you stay with him. We know, though, that you will suffer and that's why we're advising you to go.

He called you a slag?

My ex was like this. It escalated more and more once I started to make more money than him. Eventually he was having episodes like you describe regarding my job, why did I have meetings with men? Why didnt I answer my phone instantly at all times while at work? Why did I shower when i came home from work? Just awful.

There was no way out of it in the end. He destroyed it all, it poisoned the whole relationship.

Sounds like you think you can cope with it. Just be careful because in my experience, if you dont allow him control in one way, he will just change his tactics until he can get you under control. My ex shoved our just-walking baby son once, to punish me for asking to go to the supermarket on my own...

What do you want from posters on this thread? Are you looking for a group moan about jealous and controlling partners?

Somewhere to talk about this, gather some support, have a rant, hear other opinions, maybe from people in similar situations.

Sorry I didn't realise if I wasn't going to immediately leave him then I wasn't allowed to post.

I don't know if therapy would work, but the problem has to be firmly in his lap to deal with, not yours.

It's his issue, his baggage to deal with, not yours to manage or pander to. You have to push it back to him and insist he gets a control of it, not control of you.

Do you intend to have dc with him?

NameyChangeyBaby

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Was your own mother treated like this by your dad?.

No re therapy and abusive men rarely if ever go into therapy willingly if at all. It won't work and he feels entitled to act as he is doing here. If he did reply like this to you (in your post of 15.35) then he is doing what practically all abusers do; i.e. put the onus back on you in that you made me act like this etc. Its never their fault; its always your fault. Such men never apologise nor even accept any responsibility for their actions. Abusers can be "nice" sometimes but their nice/nasty cycle is really a continuous one.

Such a man really does think he is doing nothing wrong here with regards to you; this is deeply ingrained within him and its highly likely as well that one, or worse still both his parents, act like this too.

Move onwards and upwards away from him; this man will merely continue to drag you down with him. You may well consider yourself a strong type and are able to stand up for yourself; he will find ways around that and wear you further down. Its already started and you are slowly changing your own behaviours to suit him and or try to not set him off. The man's a walking timebomb really.

No one expects you to immediately leave him but no one is going to tell you to stay. You can rant all you like but the answer is always going to be: RUN.

Run as far and as fast as you can go and never, ever put up with this kind of behaviour from anyone again. You are perfect as you are. You have faults, we all do but no gets to call you a 'slag' or undermine you or make you feel less than. Do you hear that OP? No one.

No not normal.

I had some friends who developed a similar attitude to going out ( not the jealousy bit obviously) but made me feel judged and immature for still enjoying going out to bars and clubs.
We no longer see each other because don't appreciate being judged for enjoying myself in a way that doesn't harm anyone.

Life is too short .....don't let others dictate how you should live it.

No one expects you to immediately leave him but no one is going to tell you to stay

No but it does feel a bit, if I'm not going to go and pack my bags right this second then what am I even bothering anyone about this for

It's not as easy in real life as just typing the words on a screen.

Yuck. I had friends like this... He would get stupidly jealous if a man even dared look at his gf. I used to tell him to stop being ridiculous. I couldn't live like that... Would drive me mad!!

I used to go out a fair bit with friends but since having DS I don't get out as much as I used to. Whenever I do if I message DH saying I'm coming home and it's early he tells me to stay out as long as I like, enjoy myself, don't rush home for him etc. That's how a loving, supportive relationship should be.

"I've started to ignore him or just tell him I'll show him where the door is in a calm way and then usually he'll start to realise how ridiculous he's being. If I engage though it just ends up in a row. So I've stopped now. Not stopped going out but stopped paying his moods as much attention as I used to".

This is really how abusers work on their chosen target and you were indeed targeted and deliberately so by this person. He saw something within you he can, and has indeed exploited, to his own ends.

And that is what he has wanted all the way along from you too; he has you really now where he wants you. You have changed your own behaviours so as to try to not set him off. He will continue to "punish" you for any and all of your supposed "transgressions" against him; he will make you pay dearly at some point for those nights out without him.

No-one is indeed expecting you to leave him immediately and writing such puts you immediately on the offensive, not just to say fearful of him.

I know, you need time to take it all in and process it. It can feel overwhelming, especially when you are invested in a relationship. I'm just pleased to hear that you don't have children as that would make it so much more complicated.

Do as much reading as you can about abusive relationships. Look into the Freedom Programme, see if there's one in your area so you can spot the red flags quickly.

Keep posting for support and advice.

Sorry I didn't realise if I wasn't going to immediately leave him then I wasn't allowed to post.

No need to be snarky, OP. You will find plenty of support here if you are looking for it. If you are looking to just complain about and justify and minimise and excuse your partner's abuse, you will not find most responses here helpful.

Most of us who respond to these types of post have extensive experience with abuse and really do want to be helpful.

PPs have said everything you need to know. It will get worse. You cannot change him. If you are honest with yourself you will see that he is abusive in other aspects of your relationship.

Are you familiar with the The Freedom Programme? freedomprogramme.co.uk/

I really do wish you all the best.

Namechangeybaby

re your comment:-
"No but it does feel a bit, if I'm not going to go and pack my bags right this second then what am I even bothering anyone about this for"

You think this but I certainly do not. You wrote about this because you wanted this out there and presumably on some level also think your treatment of you here within this relationship is wrong. Its not easy to leave at all but its a damn sight harder to stay in the long run.

Why not start to plan in your head your life away from him?. What do you think that would be like?.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE. Never forget that. This man basically wants to keep you in a gilded cage, but its still a cage and of his own paranoid making.

One thing I have done now is I refuse to go out with him anymore. I'm not doing joint nights out again. He ruined that so I refuse now.

This is so sadwhat are relationships for if not to share your whole life with someone.

I get the pressure you feel from the responses OP. Some posters are almost demanding in their expectations. Take your time but try to see your relationship from an outsider's perspective. If your sister or your best friend was in a relationship like this would you be happy for them?

My DP is a homebody and rearly drinks but I do and enjoy going out with friends, he's never off with me when I go out and have fun. Your DP is trying to control you, simple as that!

So incredibly abnormal & no way to live. It sounds like you’ve normalised it though, which is sad.

If he were to accept that it is abusive behaviour and was willing to seek help for what appears to be pathological jealousy perhaps there would be hope, but expecting you to pander to it when it is completely unreasonable is not ok.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pathological_jealousy

How would you respond to a friend or a future daughter who had to live with that kind of behaviour from a partner? Would you recommend that she just suck it up? & at what point for you does it cross the line?

Love this. Posters snarkily asking the OP why she's bothered to post and then complains when OP answers back snarkily.

OP quite obviously is not ready to leave a relationship yet. Therefore berating them as to why they've even posted in the first place is hardly going to be helpful. This stuff takes time in real life, sometimes people just want to have a chance to say (or type) it out loud, which may well be the first step. Post advice by all means but the last thing we should be wanting to do is put someone off continuing to post because they feel like they have to take the advice given or else.

I couldn't cope with that level of jealousy and insecurity. He won't change