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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does anyone elses partner act 'off' when you go out?

98 replies

NameyChangeyBaby · 29/02/2020 15:08

My husband never goes out for drinks or anything like that. It's not his thing and never has been.

I feel like this causes us a lot of issues because I still do enjoy going out with friends every now and then but because he doesn't 'get it', he uses it against me as if I'm just much more immature than him for wanting to go out drinking, we can't possibly be properly matched etc...

He regularly ruins nights out because of being either subtly moody or downright nasty.

He has serious trust issues which he acknowledges but it's as if the only way he'd be satisfied is if I just never went out, rather than accepting it's an issue for him to sort out, not me.

He tells me he doesn't understand why I dress up, wear make up, do my hair etc... To go out other than to attract men. He hates it if I dance in a club/bar because apparently that's also just to attract men. He gets incredibly moody if I go into the city, to actual bars/clubs. He's not too bad about local pubs but hates if I go anywhere like that.

I'm going out tonight and so far he's seemed okay but I just know when it comes to the time of me starting to get ready etc he'll start being 'off'. The times he's actually made comments like the above were a while ago, now he just acts moody but won't say anything outright.

He'll ask questions though like where I'm going, who with, what time do I think I'll be back, how will I get getting home? Which can seem just curious but the way they are said I can tell is with annoyance.

Last time I went out with friends I'd not seen in a long time (way before Christmas), he text me asking where I was at about 1am, I said I was in the pub and just finishing our last drinks. Queue rambling about why I'm in a pub at 1am, why do I need to still be out at that time etc etc...

Surely there's nothing wrong with an adult being out until 1/2am on very very very rare occasions?!

We did go through a time where he'd come out with me with friends and their partners but he always ruined it when we got back with some argument or another about a way I'd acted or something.

It's obviously jealousy, insecurity and controlling. I've tried saying this but he just acknowledges he has issues but I should 'respect that'. I guess he means by stopping going out at all.

OP posts:

Echobelly · 29/02/2020 19:45

I think he needs to know his behaviour is not normal. I can imagine he might believe that 'every bloke would feel the same way', but honestly they don't. I think every married/LT parterned woman I know has a separate social life away from their DH/DP, yes that might include dressing up nicely, wearing makeup for the fun of it and not because they want to get laid!

Zombieseverywhere · 29/02/2020 19:46

Yep my x husband was like this, I couldn't do anything. Every time I went out day or night I'd get verbal from him then moodiness and him being nasty. Eventually it got so bad he got in a shit with me at our sons sports day because I'd said hello to one of the dads on the field. It was mortifying.
I personally couldn't live like that.

12345kbm · 29/02/2020 19:49

@n00bMaster69 all you can do is speak for yourself. You have no idea what other people would do in that scenario, though several people have told you that they would not put up with name calling.

If name calling is acceptable to you in a relationship, then perhaps you should take a look at the Freedom Programme which helps you to understand healthy behaviour. You can gauge what your bf thinks about women from how they describe their exes or other women.

If they are all 'psychos', 'bitches', 'sluts', 'slags' etc, then you've got yourself a woman hater and he'll be calling you names before long.

No one blamed the OP for her boyfriend's behaviour which would be 'victim blaming'.

corythatwas · 29/02/2020 19:52

No, this is not normal. My husband of 27 years has never behaved like this. Nor has my father or any of my 3 brothers. My friends/colleagues regularly go out without it causing any issues with their husbands/partners.

It is something rather more than trust issues, isn't it? If it was just trust issues that he accepted were his problem, then he'd be sobbing quietly into his pillow. Instead he calls you a slag. Whichever way you look at it, that is misogynistic. Men who respect women do not speak about them, let alone to them like that.

Chochito · 29/02/2020 19:56

This sounds horribly like my ex, OP. I became a prisoner in my own home, I would be accused of getting dressed up for the students at my school. Get out now, please.

ShesCurly · 29/02/2020 19:57

It's really quite victim blamey, the 'I'm so strong, I'd never put up with that' line just isn't helpful.

I was in two incredibly abusive relationships before the one I mentioned.

I didn't leave those for a long time and had to work really hard to learn to see red flags and be able to act on my boundaries and dealbreakers in future.

Which I did when I left the "slag" comment boyfriend.

I'm not victim blaming. I've been physically abused by two partners. And now if someone did hit me I would leave, not because it's easy but because I've been through it before and done a lot of hard work to ensure I won't accept that kind of behaviour in future.

It's been awful and upsetting along the way, I've stayed with people I shouldn't have for far too long in the past and I would never blame a victim, ever.

n00bMaster69 · 29/02/2020 20:07

Wtf @12345kbm. I didn't say I find it acceptable at all, I don't. I'm simply saying that it's not actually unusual at all for someone not to leave their partner after being called a slag or whatever ever other insults.

@ShesCurly You would leave a partner who called you slag because you've been through abuse, you recognise it. That's different from the OPs situation.
Would it have been helpful for someone to just say "I'd leave any man who called me that" but not actually offer advice at all to you in the first abusive relationship? Don't you think it might've made you feel like you must be thick and/or weak?
(Genuine question btw, I've been abused and I know I didn't find people saying things like that helpful at all but I am aware we are all different ).

Kikkoman · 29/02/2020 20:09

The slag comment. What do you day to him after that?

My ex was like this. It’s not nice

12345kbm · 29/02/2020 20:16

Wtf @12345kbm. I didn't say I find it acceptable at all, I don't. I'm simply saying that it's not actually unusual at all for someone not to leave their partner after being called a slag or whatever ever other insults.

You have NO IDEA what someone else would do in that situation. You can only talk for yourself and your own experience. That's why I suggested you do the Freedom Programme because I can only guess from the fact that you think it's unlikely someone would leave when called names, that you wouldn't.

Because that's the only person you can speak for here. You.

ShesCurly · 29/02/2020 20:19

@n00bMaster69

I may have felt they didn't know what it was like to be in my position but I certainly wouldn't have accused them of victim blaming, no.

Also I know you were responding to a number of people but in my case my first post on this thread was one saying that I understand not wanting to leave, I think both people need to want to improve things and the end of the post I reassured the OP that people aren't judging her they feel protective of her.

It was the farthest thing from victim blaming it could be, again maybe you weren't referring to my first post but it upset me because I have been a victim myself.

I'm sorry you have too, it's awful how many people have been through abuse

daisypond · 29/02/2020 20:20

No, I have never had this in my life, not with DH or with boyfriends and partners previous to DH. It’s not normal.

n00bMaster69 · 29/02/2020 20:25

Are you meaning to come across so aggressively @12345kbm?

12345kbm · 29/02/2020 20:26

@n00bMaster69 I suppose I don't appreciate being told I'm victim blaming. Are you meaning to come across in such a condescending manner?

n00bMaster69 · 29/02/2020 20:28

I'm just going to ignore you from now @12345kbm.

12345kbm · 29/02/2020 20:30

Be my guest.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 29/02/2020 20:39

Aside from him being controlling, he uses the word "slag" which also suggests he is a misogynist. No way would I want to be with a sexist man.

allthedamnvampires · 29/02/2020 20:48

OP he could be projecting. He considers women dressed up to be slags because he's managed to cheat and this somehow (in his twisted mind) justifies having a low opinion of them and therefore you. If he cheats on you or has cheated in previous relationships, it would explain why he feels he can't trust you.

But really the whys and wherefores aren't important. This is a big red flag. Don't have children with him.

GilbertMarkham · 29/02/2020 20:50

I don't think therapy will work unless he wants to change it - he doesn't, he wants you to change

This.

Ime a man like this fundamentally believes he's right. His core beliefs combined with his knee-jerk, emotional feelings of jealousy, possessiveness, fear/paranoia that you might do something with another man, loss of control etc. - combine to make it pretty much impossible to change.

I bet if you suggest he gets counselling he'll laugh it off, or at best say maybe bug not follow through.

I never suggested counselling for my ex but I imagine he'd have said maybe when in a slightly penitent, "on shit I'm going to get dumped here" mood ... Only to ridicule and express outrage at the idea; because fundamentally he thought he was in the right, and I was the one being inappropriate, unfair, poorly behaved etc.

GilbertMarkham · 29/02/2020 20:51

*but

Ludways · 29/02/2020 20:53

DH doesn't but my abusive ex did, I think that's what you have there.

GilbertMarkham · 29/02/2020 20:55

Ultimately they think you're out parading around, signalling availability to other men etc. while they're day at home like a mug or a cuckhold in the making, having the piss taken out of them.

On top of that is the fear that you could actually be a cheater who's fucking around on them but they'll have no way of finding out/being sure.

GilbertMarkham · 29/02/2020 20:57

*sat at home.

When a man thinks like that, it's very hard (impossible?) for them to change.

Flixsfoilball · 29/02/2020 21:32

No, because my other half isn't a total knob

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