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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does anyone elses partner act 'off' when you go out?

98 replies

NameyChangeyBaby · 29/02/2020 15:08

My husband never goes out for drinks or anything like that. It's not his thing and never has been.

I feel like this causes us a lot of issues because I still do enjoy going out with friends every now and then but because he doesn't 'get it', he uses it against me as if I'm just much more immature than him for wanting to go out drinking, we can't possibly be properly matched etc...

He regularly ruins nights out because of being either subtly moody or downright nasty.

He has serious trust issues which he acknowledges but it's as if the only way he'd be satisfied is if I just never went out, rather than accepting it's an issue for him to sort out, not me.

He tells me he doesn't understand why I dress up, wear make up, do my hair etc... To go out other than to attract men. He hates it if I dance in a club/bar because apparently that's also just to attract men. He gets incredibly moody if I go into the city, to actual bars/clubs. He's not too bad about local pubs but hates if I go anywhere like that.

I'm going out tonight and so far he's seemed okay but I just know when it comes to the time of me starting to get ready etc he'll start being 'off'. The times he's actually made comments like the above were a while ago, now he just acts moody but won't say anything outright.

He'll ask questions though like where I'm going, who with, what time do I think I'll be back, how will I get getting home? Which can seem just curious but the way they are said I can tell is with annoyance.

Last time I went out with friends I'd not seen in a long time (way before Christmas), he text me asking where I was at about 1am, I said I was in the pub and just finishing our last drinks. Queue rambling about why I'm in a pub at 1am, why do I need to still be out at that time etc etc...

Surely there's nothing wrong with an adult being out until 1/2am on very very very rare occasions?!

We did go through a time where he'd come out with me with friends and their partners but he always ruined it when we got back with some argument or another about a way I'd acted or something.

It's obviously jealousy, insecurity and controlling. I've tried saying this but he just acknowledges he has issues but I should 'respect that'. I guess he means by stopping going out at all.

OP posts:

5LeafClover · 29/02/2020 16:11

Sounds like you think you can cope with it. Just be careful because in my experience, if you dont allow him control in one way, he will just change his tactics until he can get you under control.

This. He is not treating you like an equal.
You are not ready to act on this right now...and it's a cycle so you'll feel better soon but its not okay and sadly I think it will happen again. Look after yourself. Make sure you are protecting you friendships, your money, your life goals and your career.

Wereallsquare · 29/02/2020 16:13

@WhyThisLife Love this. Posters snarkily asking the OP why she's bothered to post and then complains when OP answers back snarkily.

I have not seen one post asking the OP why she has bothered to post. And if you are referring to my question, it was a genuine one.

Some people post here because they just want to commiserate about their abusive situations with other women in abusive situations and they do not want to change things. And that is their choice. I asked what she wanted because if the OP is one of those women, then this is not the thread for me to post on. That is all. No snark intended.

No one is telling the OP that she has to leave immediately. She said that.

Posters here have been supportive, so stop accusing us of snark where there has been none. Stay focussed on the OP if you want to be helpful.

Mamadothe · 29/02/2020 16:17

My ex was always really really moody and off the day after I’d being out and made out that he wasn’t. After we split up he finally confessed it was cause his ex had cheated on him whilst on nights out so that’s why he was moody.
Funnily enough we split up cause HE cheated

BedraggledBlitz · 29/02/2020 16:18

My ex was like this. I got the moody treatment before and after nights out. I went on holiday with friends and he didnt speak to me for days cos the clothes I packed were nicer than what I wear at home.

Total trust issues. Ironically it was HIM who was a compulsive cheat.

My mums partner is similar. She starts every trip out by explaining that she won't be out long. He has be known to phone her if shes taking too long. He has no friends and rarely goes out so its jealousy I think.

dottiedodah · 29/02/2020 16:21

I think he sounds very insecure TBH! Did his wife leave him due to these issues do you think? He is happy and relaxed because you are where he wants you (Next to him at home) ! If you want to continue this relationship may be worth going to counselling ,if he will agree .If he doesnt want to go ,then you may have to think long term .The problem is it is very isolating as well, and you both need time with other people or its not good for either of you in the long run ,

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/02/2020 16:26

Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. I doubt very much that such a man anyway would want to embark on counselling also because he likely thinks he is not doing anything wrong here with regards to her.

Abuse also is not about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control. This man wants absolute over the OP.

Babooshkar · 29/02/2020 16:27

What would you tell a friend or relative who was in this sort of relationship?

I would be appalled by being called a slag and to know I was with someone who was such a blatant woman hater. Grim.

As you’ve already been advised - it’s one thing you accepting this, but please don’t subject children to it, so they think this is actually normal. Don’t you want more for yourself?

dottiedodah · 29/02/2020 16:37

I know these posts are full of "LTB"and of course its not as easy as that in RL ,we know that .Many of these posts are from women who have been in your position and managed to get out .At the moment you have a choice is all we are saying ,and of course you want to stay with someone who you love when its all going his way! You like to think he may change ,or you can , so the relationship continues .Is he much older than you ? The facts are its unfair on you to never see any friends ,and if you were to get pregnant the situation would get worse . Maybe you cant /dont want to think about that now ,but that is most likely the situation .Can you speak to your family at all ? what does your DM think ?

IceColdCat · 29/02/2020 16:37

I'm not going to tell you to LTB OP - I understand it's not always that simple.

But what you do have to do is STOP making excuses for him. In one post you said "it's like he can't help himself" but he can help himself, he is an adult and he choosing to behave like this.

His response that you have to be more mindful is a form of victim blaming. He's the one in the wrong but you're the one who needs to change her behaviour. Call him out on it when he says something like this. If he admits it's wrong (which you say he does) then he needs to take responsibility to change things.

DingleberryRose · 29/02/2020 17:10

No! My DH is an absolute delight. He’s supportive, understanding and encourages me in everything I do. I wouldn’t put up with anything less and nor should you!!

It’s not normal, it’s abusive!

feelingdizzy · 29/02/2020 17:22

I'm 20 years on from this, I married him and had 2 kids,it got bad then, really ,really bad. Even when I left he then used the kids to try and control me. He did the same controlling shite to them.We all bear the scars of this ,it changed me.And it has impacted my children .
Im a kick ass, take no prisoners strong woman,as you probably are .We are like an emotional battery for these men,no point unless there is plenty of energy and life to suck from us.
Would you treat someone the way he treats you? Me neither and I have all the excuses in the book ,troubled childhood, abusive relationships, all the excuses these men use. If you are capable of this you dont have a stop mechanism and who's to say where it will go.Look after yourself.

Frenchw1fe · 29/02/2020 17:24

What happens when you go on holiday?
Do you lie on a beach in your bikini?

ShesCurly · 29/02/2020 17:31

I can't believe he called you a slag, that's such a dealbreaker for me.

I understand you don't want to leave and of course if there's opportunity to work on a relationship then it can sometimes work. But, you say this:

I don't want to leave, I want him to get help for his quite evident trust issues.

But the problem is that he has to want to get help. Both parties have to be equally invested in a relationship. Equally willing to compromise.

And it sounds like he doesn't think he needs to change and won't want to.

Saying you dress like a slag and reacting so aggressively and instantly to you doing things like just saying "excuse me" to a man to get to the bar indicates deep rooted misogyny and a sense of you disrespecting him. I just couldn't see past how horrible that is.

Please don't feel you are being shouted off the thread, it comes from a place of people feeling protective of other women. I know I do since leaving a shitty situation and probably say things too forcefully on here sometimes.

Just a lot for you to think about

anotherdisaster · 29/02/2020 17:36

Hi OP. You already acknowledge is behaviour is wrong but ignoring it doesn't mean its ok. Having trust issues is one thing, but he is pretty much accusing you of looking to cheat by going out. That is not the same as having trust issues. By questioning why you wear make-up, do your hair etc, then he is insinuating you are looking for other men. What sort of a man does that with absolutely no reason to?
Why should you be mindful of his trust issues? They are his issues, not yours.
Also saying you refuse to go out with him - that's not a relationship surely? Neither is walking on eggshells every time you want a night out.
You say you don't want to leave him and that is obviously your choice. However, you won't ever change this behaviour so you will be stuck with this forever (and may even get worse).
If he really loved you, he would be actively seeking help for his issues. He isn't.

EvaHarknessRose · 29/02/2020 18:36

How long have you been together? I don't think therapy will work unless he wants to change it - he doesn't, he wants you to change (please don't).

AnyFucker · 29/02/2020 18:44

The first time a man called me a slag, no matter how attached I was to him or how nice he was in other ways, would be the point I ended my relationship

n00bMaster69 · 29/02/2020 18:54

The first time a man called me a slag, no matter how attached I was to him or how nice he was in other ways, would be the point I ended my relationship

I very much doubt you would.

ineedaholidaynow · 29/02/2020 18:55

Does he have a daughter OP, how would you feel if he treats her like this?

12345kbm · 29/02/2020 19:02

@n00bMaster69 Why not? I would. There's no way in hell I'd continue a relationship with someone who called me misogynistic names.

ShesCurly · 29/02/2020 19:05

@n00bMaster69

I really would leave someone if they called me a slag.

And how do I know that for sure? Because I've done it.

thethoughtfox · 29/02/2020 19:10

Get out before you have a daughter with him who is called a slag when her skirt os too short.

n00bMaster69 · 29/02/2020 19:15

Very, very few people leave someone's they've bonded with after something like that was said, particularly if they've been together a few years.

It's really quite victim blamey, the 'I'm so strong, I'd never put up with that' line just isn't helpful.

Chinks123 · 29/02/2020 19:25

It doesn’t matter if he never goes out drinking, or doesn’t ‘get’ it. My dp is practically a hermit. He goes to work, and stays at home. He doesn’t like going out drinking.
I can’t remember the last time I actually went out.. but when I used to,rarely, he would tell me I looked beautiful, told me to have a good time, asked me to bring him home a takeaway usually.

Your dp is abusive, and said you looked like a slag..how can you find him attractive?
It’s your choice to stay with him, but i don’t understand this whole oh he’s nice 99% of the time, so I’ll just ignore him being an absolute arsehole every time I dare have a night out, he’s nasty.

GilbertMarkham · 29/02/2020 19:40

I had a relationship with a man like this.

(Though he stopped short of saying I was dressed like a slag, just).

It didn't stop, it didn't change .. no.matter how many talks I had with him about it.

I ended up finishing it.

I don't think counselling/"help" works for "trust issues" (insecurity, jealousy and being controlling); or rather I should say it probably very rarely works.

As a side note, his claim that you should want to stay in with the family (him and his kids) .. well lots and lots of people with their own kids, let alone their partner's kids, like to go out, have a drink, dance, shoot pool, watch sports, chat about shit, whatever .. with their mates sometimes.

If someone doesn't enjoy that of doesn't want to, that's entirely up to them; it's not up to them to try to stop anyone else doing of however.

GilbertMarkham · 29/02/2020 19:42

*it

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