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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My mother in law is in competition with me

92 replies

Justgettingthrough · 28/02/2020 22:05

Hi everyone. I have never posted in anything like this before but I am so stressed out and upset. My evening has been ruined by yet another comment by my husbands mother.....the declaration that my daughter’s child minder is my child’s favourite woman in the world. It feels malicious. A few weeks ago it was my daughters birthday, I made her a cake. We visited friends who also made my daughter a cake. The cake my friend made was lovely and my husband happened to show his mother a picture. She took to opportunities to run it in that my friend had made my daughter her best birthday cake. She gets jealous when my daughter comes to me for comfort and if we’re in the company of others who ask me questions about my child, she answers them for me. I can’t tell anymore if I’m making a big deal out of nothing because I now have so much animosity towards her or if she genuinely is being nasty. I once confronted her about a situation and she made me feel like I was being silly for being upset. I am trying to keep the peace but i am on the point of exploding. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 28/02/2020 22:09

And what the hell does your husband say to her behavior? She sounds like she needs a psychiatrist who enjoys a challenge

Seaweed42 · 28/02/2020 22:17

Sounds like she is jealous of you being the mother. Your DH needs to rein her in. Meanwhile ignore her stupid comments. You are your DD's favourite person in the world, and the MIL will only ever be on the outside looking in. No matter how she pretends otherwise.

GrumpyHoonMain · 28/02/2020 22:20

does she resent you using the childminder instead of her?

Delbelleber · 28/02/2020 22:21

I sympathise with you Flowers

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/02/2020 22:24

She sounds like she needs a psychiatrist who enjoys a challenge Grin

OP, she’s a bitch. You need to read Toxic Inlaws ASAP. She knows exactly what she’s doing and it’s deliberate, calculated and nasty. She had her child(ren), why can’t she let you enjoy yours?

WeirdMoments · 28/02/2020 22:27

OP, I have no advice but hugs and sympathy.

She sounds nasty and it gives me the rage.
She feels insecure and has a need to undermine you so she feels in control. Nasty woman. It’s deliberate

Redshoeblueshoe · 28/02/2020 22:32

She sounds like she needs a psychiatrist who enjoys a challenge
Grin wins the thread.

BreatheAndFocus · 28/02/2020 23:09

Get your DH to speak to her. In the meantime, you could try answering calmly and coolly.

MIL: Childminder is DGD’s favourite lady.
You: No, she’s not. Obviously, I’m her favourite and so childminder must be 2nd favourite.

If she answers for you when you’re asked questions about your DD, simply ignore the fact she’s answered and answer yourself. Even better if you contradict what she’s said.

She’s doing it to be nasty and because she knows it upsets you. Don’t get upset and don’t let her get away with it.

You confronted her and she minimised things and tried to make you look silly and over-sensitive. You can’t reason with people like this. You can’t have a chat and clear the air. You can’t expect reasonable responses. So, you keep cool and show her you won’t take any sh*t.

She’ll either stop grudgingly, or she’ll play the victim and try to complain to DH. That’s why you keep calm, firm but polite.

Original poster
Justgettingthrough · 28/02/2020 23:12

Thank you!! I can’t believe I was doubting myself, I almost let myself think that maybe I was overreacting or something. I agree....a psychiatrist would make a fortune from her! There’s not enough time in the world. I don’t think she resents use of the child under, I just think she resents me. Do you think I should confront her? Is it even worth it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Justgettingthrough · 28/02/2020 23:15

@EKGEMS PS. I will be the first to say it....he is a wimp when it comes to her. Growing up it was her way or the high way, she ruled with an iron fist and not just the children. Her husband (ex) too, whom has told me first hand that life was very difficult with her!

OP posts:
Original poster
Justgettingthrough · 28/02/2020 23:17

@BreatheAndFocus I think I responded to her with something like “eh I think the woman who carried her for 9 months is her favourite woman” and she still carried it on by responding “well not today”.
I also do what you, ignoring her answers and answering the questions myself....do you think she’d get the hint though! No

OP posts:
MotherOfLittlePeople · 28/02/2020 23:19

I can sympathise OP Thanks

Your DH should be saying something to shut this down although, I know that they don't most of the time

LightDrizzle · 28/02/2020 23:20

Nah! Don’t confront her, she’d probably enjoy it.
Ignore when she’s trying to get a rise, and if she does it in front of a neutral audience, give wry smile and say “Julia is a bit of a competitive granny/nana [insert whichever grandma name you know she least likes]
She sound very unpleasant so tell your OH that he needs to remain present and engaged when she’s around. It’s not your job to entertain his mother, particularly given she is vile towards you.

AvocadoAdvocate · 28/02/2020 23:22

The best way to deal with her is to laugh. When she makes such calculated remarks, laugh and say "you're so funny". Honestly, take it from a 57 year old woman who has had 20 years of this, laugh at her. It will make you feel so much better and it will really piss her off - win win!

AvocadoAdvocate · 28/02/2020 23:24

That should say I've had 30 years of this not 20!

Aquathest · 28/02/2020 23:31

I have one of those too OP, so I sympathise.

I told my DH that life can be hard enough without having to deal with her, so if it didn't stop I would walk.

She can still be a slight pain but once DH found his voice and spoke up, the worst of her behaviour changed. This is 100% for your DH to address.

However, I wish I had EKGEMS line for MIL back when she used to cause me anxiety Grin

BreatheAndFocus · 28/02/2020 23:32

do you think she’d get the hint though! No

That and her comment “Well not today” sound really spiteful. If you’ve tried the more subtle approach, then try laughing in a fake “aren’t you a funny old thing”. If that doesn’t work, you’re going to have to be more direct.

Frankly, if your DH won’t deal with her, I’d get as far away from her as possible - for all your sakes. She sounds very, very controlling.

yellowkangaroo · 29/02/2020 00:30

I'd work out how to reduce contact with her. She sounds like a nightmare. Vote with your feet!

When you do have to have contact at family events or whatever, employ the techniques above, the old mumsnet favourite 'did you mean to be so rude?' might be helpful.

She knows what she is doing, don't give her the satisfaction of believing that she is undermining you, as an alternative response pattern see if you can laugh off her comments as if you find them really hilarious. That should rattle her.

WeirdMoments · 29/02/2020 00:44

“Hahahaha , oh mother in law you really don’t know my daughter do you. There is nothing more special to her than her mummy as she always tells me”.. then give your dd a massive cuddle and let mil burn in envy

Floribundance · 29/02/2020 00:54

’She knows what she is doing, don't give her the satisfaction of believing that she is undermining you, as an alternative response pattern see if you can laugh off her comments as if you find them really hilarious. That should rattle her.’

This ^

It’s not just you, she is being deliberately mean.

Don’t give her the power to ruin your evening with her bullshit comments. You know you’re more important to your DD and you know that you’re lucky she’s really happy with her childminder. You know that there’s no such thing as too many cakes and how lovely to have a friend who puts in the effort to do something nice for your child.

The next time your MIL makes that kind of comment try smiling and saying how glad you are that your DD has so many kind, loving women in her life. A) it’s true B) it will annoy her and C) if she can’t get a reaction from you she’ll either quit it or stop being subtle and even your DH will pick up on it.

TorkTorkBam · 29/02/2020 01:14

You are taking her too seriously. You are not in actual competition for who is the best mother to your DD. Your MIL is trying to make a competition. You don't have to play. The fact is you are already the winner of it and she has got sour grapes and is sniping from the sidelines.

Get it fixed in your head that you are superior to her.

Maybe she used to be the matriarch but the baton has passed to you now.

When she is snippy, smile, laugh, maybe look at her like you pity her.

My top tip is too avoid her though. Do you spend too much time with her?

NotwhereIshouldbe · 29/02/2020 01:18

Total sympathy, my MIL is exactly the same and with people like that you just can't win. I would laugh at her comments and ignore them but make sure you DH is supporting you, it's his bloody mother for god's sake! You are your child's world and your MIL will never come close. Sadly my DH is useless and just says "well she's my mum" as if it excuses her rude comments Envy

BumbleBeee69 · 29/02/2020 01:48

how often do you see her OP?

SeaToSki · 29/02/2020 01:55

Is it worth going to all out war with her? Could it get any worse for you and DD... if you judge it is at the point where you have nothing to loose, and you have the inner fortitude, you could just take her on.

Shitty comment fromMIL
You say..wow that was rude MiL, i dont want to hear anything like that from you again
She will either be stunned to silence or have a hissy fit..at which point you say... I wont put up with such rudeness and leave with DD (and hopefully DH)

Then rinse and repeat until she either doesnt want to see you again (well did you really loose anything there) or she winds her neck in while you are around (big win for you DD and DH)

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 29/02/2020 05:39

Mil is like this. Or was before I started giving her side eye and using the grey rock technique.

She analysed that my children mysteriously were ‘daddy’s girl/boy’, with an apparently obvious preference for daddy (not true). Their hair was like my sibling’s, not like mine. She’d insult me then give a tiny laugh ‘oooh Dustoff won’t be insulted when I say that...’. I learnt to do a very slow smile in response without saying anything.