My mother in law is in competition with me

[Justgettingthrough]

Hi everyone. I have never posted in anything like this before but I am so stressed out and upset. My evening has been ruined by yet another comment by my husbands mother.....the declaration that my daughter’s child minder is my child’s favourite woman in the world. It feels malicious. A few weeks ago it was my daughters birthday, I made her a cake. We visited friends who also made my daughter a cake. The cake my friend made was lovely and my husband happened to show his mother a picture. She took to opportunities to run it in that my friend had made my daughter her best birthday cake. She gets jealous when my daughter comes to me for comfort and if we’re in the company of others who ask me questions about my child, she answers them for me. I can’t tell anymore if I’m making a big deal out of nothing because I now have so much animosity towards her or if she genuinely is being nasty. I once confronted her about a situation and she made me feel like I was being silly for being upset. I am trying to keep the peace but i am on the point of exploding. I don’t know what to do.

Oh and if she tries the comment about the childminder again, quickly agree “Well she probably comes a close third! She’s fantastic with her!”

Keeping the peace is what's keeping you under the boot.

DH is more scared of upsetting his mum than of upsetting you. Change that.

Happy wife happy life is a common saying amongst men for good reason.

If the child minder is supposedly your daughter's 'favourite woman in the world' perhaps you could ask your MIL how far down the list she thinks she is.

I’d be saying “don’t be upset yourself MIL, I’m absolutely sure you are in DDs top .... ummm 5 women ...., yes definitely”. And keep it up through the day “are you sure you’re not upset because DD doesn’t love you more than the childminder?”

She's upsetting you because you are allowing yourself to be upset.

The way to win this game is not to play it.

You know that you are your daughter's favourite woman and her bestest mummy of all time. So with this knowledge you can respond to MIL's comments differently instead of them ruining your day.

Posters have given you a lot of different strategies from ignoring, eye rolling, repeating it back to her so she looks silly. Personally I'm loving 'Don't worry I'm sure you are in her top ... 5'.

The competition is all in MIL's own head - of course your daughter is going to come to you for comfort and not her, you have won before the game even started because you are Mummy and brilliant at it too.

I'd work on seeing less, much much less of her and grey rocking her when you do.

Speak to your DH, tell him things need to change and you need to work as a team to call her out. He will find it difficult as the dynamic is set for him however you can tell her to cut it out or she won't be welcome back. Tell your DH if he doesn't have your back he can go with her . Strict boundaries are required with folks like her. She will likely cry, tell folks she has done nothing wrong and bleat on but let her throw her dummy out the pram.

I really feel for you!! Poor you. I hate it when people make you doubt yourself. Trust your gut instinct. You sound like a caring and considerate person, why is it that she's the only person who makes you feel like this? I bet she is being subtle so she can avoid any blame. Sounds like "gas lighting".

Recognising you're not crazy is the big first step. I wouldn't bother getting your husband involved too much in my opinion, in a perfect world he would understand and defend you BUT she's his mother and God knows how many issues there are there! She probably guilt trips him into feeling sorry for her (for the whole of his life too) so don't make things confusing for him by making him pick sides.

I'm in a similar situation and things got better when I stopped trying to get my partner to understand. It seems he came to that realisation himself. All you can do is express how you feel to him from your point of view. Maybe suggest to him that he would feel uncomfortable and stressed if the situation was reversed and your mum was making comments at him.

As for her... Maybe you could be direct with her, as she doesn't work that way and it would disrupt her game tactics. Be polite but maybe put yourself across as the victim this time, say to her that sometimes her comments really upset you and it gets you so worked up and worried that you wanted to clear the air with her so you can have a good relationship.

If she tries to make out that she doesn't know what you're on about then unfortunately, you gave her the opportunity to be honest and make amends. I would not try that hard with her at all, make sure you fuss your daughter infront of her, break the boundaries in your behaviour that are only there to appease her. Ignore the comments and maybe call her out on it when the situation is right and it's not antagonistic. Call your daughter "MY beautiful girl". If you sense that she's jealous then she probably is and that's not your fault or responsibility. Don't let some old misery guts ruin your happiness with your child xxx

With my DH, I stopped making a lot of effort around my MIL after hearing a lot about how wonderful he was, how responsible his job was, how well paid he was when yes, he is lovely but both of us were happy to acknowledge his job wasn't responsible at all and I was paid double what he was.

I pointed out to him that we saw MIL for his benefit not mine, so he could make all the effort around her.

Oddly, at this point, we started to see her a massive amount less as it turned out he didn't like spending time with her either. Once I stopped trying to be a good DIL, which frankly was getting me nowhere and was completely unappreciated, he was free to acknowledge he felt seeing his mum at Christmas and birthdays was enough.

Start mirroring her behaviour or being sweet, if she makes you feel like you're being silly for saying something, make her feel silly

'Oh the childminder is dc favourite person
'Laugh sickly sweet' oh you are silly mil

'The cake is much better than yours'
'Laugh sickly sweet' oh I know isn't it amazing - mine is made with the love only a mother can give

'She answers the question on your behalf
'Oh and my mouth didn't open, yes mil is right, dc dis walk at 14 months, also takes at x months, what about your dd?

Or as another pp said, if you can't think of anything just copy her as a question

'Oh x loves his grandma more today'
'X loves grandma more today'?

Beat way tho is to simply not see her anymore and limit the time the dc spend with her.

She's looking for a reaction and deliberately trying to make you feel bad.

Thank you so much for the feedback everyone! I didn’t expect to get nearly as ma y response and it’s so appreciated. I don’t even know where to begin with responding to them all. My husband is scared of her, I know he! She is an emotional abuser, I know this because of the stories I’ve heard from his youth. She spent her life pointing out to him how he hasn’t met her expectations and dictating what he should do with his life. I don’t understand why she is so set on hurting me. Her and my FIL (who I have a fantastic relationship with) had a very bad and hostile breakup. I never rub the fact that I have such a good relationship with him. I also could be rubbing it in her face how much my daughter LOVES her grandad and talks about him all the time but I don’t because I feel it would hurt her feelings. I’m starting to think I should be using it against her. All of your responses are great but I never seem to be able to think on my feet like that because I get so angry. I need to work on my mindset. Anyone who knows me, friends etc will always say that I’m far from being a pushover and know how to stick up for myself so I don’t know why I find it so impossible where she is concerned. I am going to write her a letter tonight, one I have no intention of giving her but will allow me to state my deepest darkest feelings towards her behavior. After I’ve gotten that out maybe I will be able to think how to proceed rationally. Thank you everyone

She has form as an intolerable difficult bullying nasty woman. Everyone knows this she won’t change.

Your little family does not need someone like this in your life. You do not need to be preoccupied and anxious in her company. You don’t need every precious childhood memory making event blighted by you being in high alert ready to defend yourself from her attacks. Your DCs don’t need you in this emotional state at their precious moments.

Take yourself out of punching distance.
Don’t include her in family events as she is unable to behave herself and behave respectfully. You don’t need this to pollute your family time. Your DCs don’t need the atmosphere, don’t need to see their DM attacked. Cut her right out.

If he feels the need send DH to visit her in her turf with the kids alone once a month.

Be strong. Forget words with people like this. Take action. You are so superior to you.

If your DH is a wimp and won’t speak to her - tell him how it’s going to be for your family.

He should cherish and defend the mother of his DCs not leave her open to attacks.

Given your update DH should not be anywhere near her himself nor should your child.

Start distancing yourself. Busy, oh so busy, no not home then, sorry, byeeeee, has it really been a month, gosh. A bit of distance might help DH to see she is abusive.

What would happen if you just decided not to see her any more yourself, awkward for her to see DD, and organise your life accordingly (without announcing it to anyone)

From your last update - it’s v important to cut someone like this right out of your lives.

Do not go into battle with her it will be hideous.

Confide in your FIL. He will be able to support his son in seeing the light.

How much do you see her? What involvement does she have in your lives already?

Let DH take DD to see her without you. You don't have to listen to her then. X

Is your mum involved with your family?
Could you drop In how much she is favourite nan.
Failing that I would tell her how much DD loves grandad all the time.

*I really wouldn't recommend challenging her as it will escalate and toxic people win these arguments as they have much more practice. It also forces you to behave in a way that changes who you are.

An approach is to observe not absorb which means to stand back and see her body language and emotion, it is likely you will recognise the anger & envy within her.

Once you see this you will know it's not about you..you are just the person she is choosing to project her negative emotions on. If you show little or low reactions she will have to find another target.

However you also need to go reduced contact as just being around these toxic individuals is draining. Be aware of what you are dealing with and don't be surprised at what she says or does. It helps to take the power away from her.*

This /\ /\

I have over time little by little (so it is not completely obvious) reduced my contact with a toxic relative

Following your update I wouldn't go anywhere near her - and I'd be keeping DD away as well.

Tell your H that if he wants to continue to see her then that's up to him, but that you won't be exposing yourself or your child to her toxic bullying and that she is not welcome in your house.

So given the choice, your DH wouldn't see her much as he doesn't like her.

In that case - see her a lot less.

Neither of you want to see her. She's adding nothing to your lives. She's not good as a grandmother as her sole mission is to make the parents miserable. And you already have brilliant other grandparents in your daughter's life.

What about 'maybe you'll have a day at being her favourite soon' You know what kids are the childminders the favourite one grandad the next! ' Or just laugh like others have said. I hate it when people speak over children too. My sil always did that when I tried getting to know my teenage niece and nephew. It was awful. Now they're older luckily they manage to speak for themselves.

As PP wisely say, don't play the game. There no need to convince her you are your daughters favourite person or your cake was the best. That's taking it to her level.

It'll be more annoying for her if you simply smile, gently nod and agree with it as if you're humouring her. "Yes MIL, you're absolutely right X is the favourite", enthusiastic "yes MIL, you're absolutely right Xs cake is FAR nicer" etc, etc, labour the point, she will soon cotton on you're not going to let her get to you no matter what rubbish she spouts.

Limit contact with her? Surround yourself with people who enrich your life.

Some MILs can be poisonous. Minimise contact & don't let her get to you. As others have suggested, keep some stock phrases ready & you don't have to think on your feet. And when you do see her & she starts, just to fire back, add "old" when refering back to her, especially in company - silly OLD granny, OLD granny isn't being nice today DD, OLD granny doesn't know you well, does she DD, etc, followed by Paddington Bear hard stare or head tilt, tinkly laugh. It will grate her, honestly.

I know it's but just the two examples you gave but maybe a uturn in your thoughts might be better.
For example, friend made the best cake-yup I'm not much of a baker and hers was fab.
Childminder is favourite lady-I'm glad my DD loves the CM so much, it makes it easier on me to leave her there.
Your cake probably tasted lovely too, don't second guess yourself
My DS and DD have days when I'm the best and days when DH is the best. DD loves going to the CM, there's loads of different toys for her to play with and lots of other toddlers there too. Do they love me less....NO. It's just different and in that moment.
Don't get angry, feel sorry for her that she has to make such ridiculous statements to be ahead of you. Sigh and say OK. People like her want a reaction....don't give one. It'll be hard but if you can lower your time spent with her it'll be easier.
As for answering for you, use a line from PP, ooh look my lips didn't even move (small laugh) EVERY SINGLE TIME. It'll be her that eventually gets embarrassed.

Cantstopeatingchocolate those are great changes in thinking.

After all, OP has won the game from the very beginning by not being twisted, and being secure in her attachment to her DD. She doesn't need to be continually in competition with her MIL -who is doomed never to win anyway and just get on everyone's nerves.

Isn't it great that DD is loved so much she got 2 cakes? Who cares which one is nicest?

If she likes childminder the most that day isn't that brilliant? Wouldn't you rather she had a childminder she really likes than a horrible one she hates going to and doesn't care about her?

It would really take the wind out of her sails if you just agreed with her. Yes, friend's cake is the best, we love eating her cake.
Yes, we are so pleased DD loves her childminder so much.

MIL will be at a complete loss as she has nowhere to dig at you.

Try and see her as little as possible and don't update her on things your dd us doing. I'm sure the people around her know just the kind of person she is.
She is definitely jealous of your relationship with DD which proves how good it must be.
When she says something upsetting and you can't find an immediate response just do a sarcastic laugh and give your dd a cuddle. It will infuriate her😆