My mother in law is in competition with me

[Justgettingthrough]

Hi everyone. I have never posted in anything like this before but I am so stressed out and upset. My evening has been ruined by yet another comment by my husbands mother.....the declaration that my daughter’s child minder is my child’s favourite woman in the world. It feels malicious. A few weeks ago it was my daughters birthday, I made her a cake. We visited friends who also made my daughter a cake. The cake my friend made was lovely and my husband happened to show his mother a picture. She took to opportunities to run it in that my friend had made my daughter her best birthday cake. She gets jealous when my daughter comes to me for comfort and if we’re in the company of others who ask me questions about my child, she answers them for me. I can’t tell anymore if I’m making a big deal out of nothing because I now have so much animosity towards her or if she genuinely is being nasty. I once confronted her about a situation and she made me feel like I was being silly for being upset. I am trying to keep the peace but i am on the point of exploding. I don’t know what to do.

She sounds toxic, and I wouldn’t rise to the bait.

MIL: Childminder is DGD’s favourite lady.
You: Ok ¯\(ツ)/¯

Don’t engage.

Ignore her, she sounds jealous. Probably does it to get a reaction don’t give it to her.

As is often said on here, you have a DH problem not a MIL problem because if your DH stood up for you and was loyal to you, MIL's nastiness wouldn't have a foothold.

If DH won't stand up and be counted I think I'd take over and tell MIL she's not welcome at your home

DH can take your child to see MIL on his own, but unless she behaves , she's not allowed at your home

Make her look silly by not actually talking back to her.

You aren't her favourite today
Talk to your DD and give her a big cuddle. 'Silly Granny, of course Mummy loves you and you love Mummy'.

She jumps in to answer all the questions about your DD
Talk to the person next to you. 'It's amazing - my mouth didn't even move when I answered those!'

All accompanied by a sugary sweet smile and being impeccably polite to her when you do speak to her directly.

Finally you need to tell your H that if he can't stand up for himself, you or your child, then you will be reducing the amount of time you spend with her.

You need to parrot her

Oh Jenny is DD’s favourite woman
You repeat as if it’s a question ‘Jenny’s her favourite woman?’

Wait for silence .... she’ll be flustered as it’s her turn to answer and she’s just ‘heard’ how she speaks. She hasn’t thought of a reply so now needs to justify what she’s said.

Try it, it really works! And you haven’t been rude or confrontational.

If she answers for you, do it again, this will make her look silly as it’ll be obvious it want going to be your answer

My XMIL was like this. I had to get it all really clear in my head. ''What power does she ACTUALLY have?''. In her case, she had the power to influence her son, which meant that he would go head to head with me on subjects that he didn't even care about because of his mother.

I stopped responding to HER and thought to myself when x raises this I'll deal with it then.

I ended up leaving but it is a nightmare when a MIL has such a fragile sense of herself that she needs to compete with her DIL

I had this with my toxic mother in law and we have been no contact for 14 years. Mine used to tell me of her daughter and her took my baby no one would know I was the mother as the baby looks nothing like me and I was a crap mum. I ended up with post natal depression. Now I laugh because my DD is the absolute spitting image of me.

When she says someone else is her favourite you could always say “yes she is after me, that’s bad luck for you”

She sounds bizarre but you are your child’s mother. It’s an unbreakable bond. End of

@BaolFan I remember when my own mother used to answer for us when we were young (but not that young) adults. I used to get upset but my brother would turn to my mother smirking a bit and ask her ''Mother, do I want a glass of wine?'' and everybody laughed and she was embarrassed.

@Justgettingthrough I agree with others who suggest not using ''arguments'' such as I carried her for 9 months. If she says something to make you feel crap, go for a response like ''Jenny's her favourite??!!! ha, ha, well aren't you an absolute charmer!''

If you argue with her, all others see is two people arguing. If you shine the spotlight back on what she actually said without responding to it, it highlights her really unpleasant remark.

I have to do stock phrases such as "that's nice" or "as you do" because the last time a relative tried putting me down to my face I challenged them a little they made out I was "over sensitive" about my "lack of bond" with my child I called them a weirdo laughed and walked away everyone talks behind my back now and I'm not really bothered by it all

What an awful woman!

The fact that she made you 'look silly' when you reacted is incredibly undermining. Could that a form of gaslighting?

You could be really spiteful...does she have a DD?

Also to the above I would massively reduce contact. Your Dh has grown up with this shit so this is normal to him, but not normal to everyone else.

I think repeating back what she said or just laughing at her may well work. But remember you don't have to put up with this. We previously cut contact with PIL due to FIL undermining me all the time. Luckily Dh completely supported me.

Someone hopefully will come along and point you in the right direction of a good website to deal with FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt which is what your Dh feels about his parents.

“Did you mean to be unkind?” Said in a way so she will understand it is her with the problem

To the childminder being favourite comment, I think I might have responded with:

"Well, that means you're not her favourite today either."

I like the head tilt, a twinkly giggle and as previously mentioned "aren't you a funny old thing"... Beautiful. Often the simplest things are the best.

I'm part of this club! In 'private' I just laugh at her.
In public it depends on the severity, but
'oh mil you' re so funny'
'that's simply not true mil'
Careful mil, you're showing your true colours'
Me and dh have a code as well so he knows when I want him to step in.

Don't make a joke of it, don't ignore it. Call her on it, every single time!

"..favourite woman."

Wow, that's really hurtful for a mother to hear mil, please don't say that again.

"... best birthday cake."

It wasn't a competition.

And so on. Question her comments, repeat them back to everyone in the room. Don't let her get away with it!

Let her shine in her nothingness. Let her hang herself with her own arguments. Baking the best cake ? Being a favourite ? Really ? This is so low, she is so thin she might tear if you step in her direction. You have all the power, when you respond even emotionally this is when you give her an inch and then another. I would play rock, and really totally ignore her, or smile and echo her comment. There is no discussion ever with stupid.
Shit stinks, you are understandably off-put by the smell but going nearer won't solve the problem. If you really can't deal with it at the time, go to the loo and compose yourself like a proper adult, think. When she gets on your nerves she owns you...Get out of this circle. Do not let her get yourself in an argument with your husband. A wife seldom wins against a mother. So let her irate him and don't deal with their twisted issue that has nothing- absolutely nothing to do with you. He has to cut ties properly, you are a very grown woman.
Pecking order : All mothers are equal but the one reigning is the one that does the actual rearing. 1/0.
The hubby CHOSE you. 2/0.
You've got the goods : the kids. 3/0. You win.
So put on your crown and wave like a perfect queen. You want a Jubilee right ? At the end of the day you will bury the old hag, perhaps with time she will mellow. Perhaps. I would not count on it. I would not give her ground to hate me either. Life is short. Strive to be happy.

Do you think you could turn it back on her as if she is questioning her relationship with your dd?

So, "don't worry Granny, maybe when childminder is not here dd will play with you"

"it's ok granny, if you start practicing now, your cake can be even better than friend's next year"

And so on.

I could never be arsed with pithy comebacks. Am never sharp enough in the moment.

That's why I tend to stick with a default reaction of an eyebrow raise and maybe a slow "okaaay" followed by changing the subject.

When in doubt in pretty much any area of life, I have learned to say "That's an interesting thing to say." Or "Why do you think that?" Then stop. Let the other person blether or explain. This is a great one for when you are not sure if someone is being a dick or you are being over sensitive.

Ugh I've had my fair share of bitchy MIL. Your husband needs to sort it, it's his mother.

You would not tolerate this from a friend, his mother is no different. Why are you actually seeing her at all?. Stop doing so. Do not let such a person be around your child, your child needs emotionally healthy grandparent role models and this person does not fit the bill. She is really disrespecting of you, your child and her son for that matter. Do read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward here to further understand the dynamics.

Do not keep the peace; appeasing such toxic people never works out and they just see you as being further weak and feeble.

What are your own boundaries like here with regards to this woman; they seem to need urgent raising upwards.

Your DH is likely to be mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt with regards to his mother because he has had a lifetime of her and her control. He therefore cannot and equally will not stand up for himself or you here, the damage to him runs that deep. I would remind him forcefully that his own inertia when it comes to his mother hurts him as much as it hurts you. He may well want to continue to have a relationship of sorts with his mother but that does not follow that you or your child have to do so.

Every time she says something rude day 'what do you mean by that?'
And keep repeating it if she tries to explain.

I really wouldn't recommend challenging her as it will escalate and toxic people win these arguments as they have much more practice. It also forces you to behave in a way that changes who you are.

An approach is to observe not absorb which means to stand back and see her body language and emotion, it is likely you will recognise the anger & envy within her.

Once you see this you will know it's not about you..you are just the person she is choosing to project her negative emotions on. If you show little or low reactions she will have to find another target.

However you also need to go reduced contact as just being around these toxic individuals is draining. Be aware of what you are dealing with and don't be surprised at what she says or does. It helps to take the power away from her.

Read up on toxic people..Patricia Evan's has a good book, the Verbally abusive relationship.