Does anyone have an OH like mine? And why are they like this!?

[Mumofgals]

I have been with my OH for 15 years and we have one child together. Things haven't been great for a long time and initially I thought it was the strain of having a young child. My OH wont socialise with me, meaning we have NEVER been on a date/dinner with another couple or group. I find our life extremely boring as we have no mutual friends so have nothing to talk about other than the every day things of work etc. When we met I was only 17 so didn't mind only spending our time together as I had a very busy life out with the relationship but now with a child this isn't possible. I do all childcare & am the only driver so dont have much spare time. (This is due to OH working long shifts so I drop/collect from childminder and activities) I also work full time & do all the housework so unsure if I am feeling resentful about this or whether this lack of socialising is as strange as I think! I have essentially moved the goalposts as when younger I readily accepted that we didnt socialise but I am now in a position where I am bored with OHs company, and even when sitting together we dont really chat or have anything to say to eachother. He also doesn't go out with his friends often, or see his family despite us all getting along well. If someone visits us at home he makes it clear he isn't happy and it borders on rude. What is wrong with him!? Or is it me? I would like to make it work for our childs sake but ultimately I am bored and resentful. Any suggestions would be great!

That sounds a miserable life! So you work full time, do all the driving and also do all the housework?

And he does have friends and family but doesn't bother seeing them and doesn't like people visiting you at home?

I would be really bored. Why is he like that, do you think?

You will have to face the fact that you got together far too young and are fundamentally unsuited.

You can leave now or later, or find a way of leading a satisfying life separate from him while continuing to live with him.

What's your financial situation?

I honestly have no idea why he is like this, I wondered if he might be depressed and his family also think this may be a factor but he denies this so I cant do anything about that. I am close enough with my MIL to talk to her about this. He is someone who like things done 'his way' although he is fundamentally a good person and dad, I do the lions share of housework/cooking/shopping/childcare/school uniforms etc. Financial situation isn't ideal, I am a low earner although I also take on extra overtime where I can but our finances are entirely separate. He gives me half the amount of our bills at the end of the month but earns far more than me (at least 3times my wage) but we pay in the same amount each month. This is good as I dont rely on him as such & know if I leave I could manage with the help of tax/universal credits (I've already looked into this) we just don't seem to get along like we did previously. There was a conversation before Christmas about separating but he assured me he was happy & wanted to spend more time together etc so I'm at a loss!

He expects you to do everything and pay half, even though you earn 1/3 of what he earns?

Are you married?

You're allowed to change the goal posts op. You were young when you first met, the relationship will change and healthy ones do change as life changes. Sounds like he wants his life to change, as in house, wife and child, but he doesn't want his life to change re social life, finances, being a parent, husband or an adult (housework etc). It all sounds very one sided and I think the social aspect is the least of your worries

No we are not married, nor do we have any intention of it. I realise how ridiculous this all is written down, I have no idea where his money goes. He does work long shifts, a combination of days and nights and is unable to get to the childminder on foot so this is why I collect and drop off our child every day but it is starting to get old that whenever I have an event etc I need to arrange my own childcare with family/in laws etc. He has always liked his own company but when at home is moody and withdrawn so it's not fun to be around him most of the time. If he does suggest family days I need to drive which recently I am not prepared to do as I am fed up being everyone's chauffeur so I suppose I'm not helping! I wondered if anyone else's OH was similar but it seems not!

I also only found out how much he earns as I found a letter stating he owed some income tax (last year) and I was truly shocked. I suspect he potentially has a gambling addiction which is why I also dont want to combine finances. He questions why I need money if any of our bills go up as if I am fleecing him for thousands we pay in the exact same and for context I have around 400pm left for shopping/Petrol/things for our child whereas hes left with over £2500 (at a rough guess) I did ask him about gambling but he said he doesn't have a problem & I'm not prepared to be his mother watching his every move so if he squanders all his money that's up to him, I know I can look after me & our child if need be.

Could it be social anxiety?
I also think maybe you dont get on that well in general? I am in a similar situation as you and we met at a younger age, and while it sometimes frustrates me that we dont go out together with others, we have dont tend to run out of things to say.
If he went out with you etc, do you think it would solve the issues you have?

You’re basically a poorly paid housekeeper.
I’d leave if was you, the finances alone would piss me right off.

Sorry X posts.

Tbh he doesnt sound like a particularly nice person

Why do you have to pay half the bills if he earns 3 times as much as you?

Are you sure he is working long shifts?

Does he not pay anything towards your DC?

I cannot see any reason why you are still with him.
Unpleasant
Financially controlling
Does nothing about the house
You have to drive him around
Non social.

Sure he's happy as you do so much to mother him.

Just what is the benefit for you?

Also where does all his extra money go, I would question these long hours at work.

This is what I wondered @mapmysleighride I know as people get older they stay in more but it's even things like barbeques at his dads he wont go so I am alone with our child. Or if he does come he complains and wants to leave before everyone else which means we all need to leave as I'm the driver. I think we never have anything to look forward to and it's a bit like groundhog day. We dont text or phone eachother throughout the day anymore which is unusual and we don't have a great sex life either. I think you're right we are too different for either or us to change.

Your NN indicates that you have more than one child OP, were you a single mum before you met him? Is he older than you?

This doesn't sound like a functioning relationship at present OP and it doesn't sound like your DP wants to change.
Why would he, he has all his household tasks done for him and has a significant amount of spare cash to spend on himself.
What are you getting out of this? It doesn't sound like a lot.

OP he sounds awful, sorry to be blunt. The financial setup is crazy! I don't blame you at all for being unhappy with everything, and it doesn't sound like he will ever change.

You are only 32, right? You are still so young! You could leave and embark on a much happier life, and eventually meet someone who actually cares about you.

I have no idea where his money goes. I honestly don't know. I think he does gamble, I know he does bet online but he says it isn't much. I am aware I sound like an absolute idiot here but its almost like its crept up on me. No he doesn't pay any more than his half unless I ask him specifically but even then it needs to be a good reason i.e extra club fees. I know he is definitely at work as he is collected from home. Sorry I dont want to out myself but I know his colleague from work also. The whole thing is relentless & I've been foolish to accept it for so long but I cant seem to bring myself to make an sort of proper decision regarding moving forward.

No just one child! Mumofgal was already taken so just added an S sorry for the confusion! We met when we were both teens but actually thinking back he has always been a bit selfish! I am painting myself as an angel here which I absolutely am not, sometimes he does make the effort to be affectionate and suggest days out but I didn't think he realises i am essentially on call 24/7 for our child and I need a break! I have told him this before but it all seems to fall on deaf ears. I dont think its normal for me to be working out how I would cope financially without him but I wondered if I was overreacting re the social side of things it seems so minor but really gets me down.

Firstly you are NOT the one whos an idiot here! DP sounds mean and selfish, and I wonder if he is older than you by quite a lot? I think you would be far better off on your own (and I always try to suggest counselling as a first option rather than LTB !) You are doing all the housework as well as working F/T ! He is royally taking the absolute piss! Do you have friends at work /your family ? If you can ,speak to a Solicitor ASAP and see if you can find somewhere to rent .Do not put up with this joyless existence a moment longer! You have you1r whole life ahead of you to meet someone nice /Be single for a while

Bloody hell, you are being made a mug of.

That aside, what do you actually get from the relationship?

I don't really see what you're getting from the relationship. He sounds exhausting to live with

Do you have any friends? Can you make new friends and socialise with them?

If you already do everything then he won't!

I think you need to sit down, sort out money and find a way for a happier life balance, either with him or on your own.

So when you learnt to drive, why didn't he? It's like you're his life support machine.

My mum was widowed at 32, she went on to marry and have a much better life with her second husband, a real love match.

You sound as though you would manage just fine OP. You don't even need to divorce the selfish so and so.

You met at 17. Sounds to me like you have simply grown up and realised this is no longer the relationship you want.

You are allowed to leave him and move on. You are still young. Time to do something for yourself.