Does anyone have an OH like mine? And why are they like this!?

[Mumofgals]

I have been with my OH for 15 years and we have one child together. Things haven't been great for a long time and initially I thought it was the strain of having a young child. My OH wont socialise with me, meaning we have NEVER been on a date/dinner with another couple or group. I find our life extremely boring as we have no mutual friends so have nothing to talk about other than the every day things of work etc. When we met I was only 17 so didn't mind only spending our time together as I had a very busy life out with the relationship but now with a child this isn't possible. I do all childcare & am the only driver so dont have much spare time. (This is due to OH working long shifts so I drop/collect from childminder and activities) I also work full time & do all the housework so unsure if I am feeling resentful about this or whether this lack of socialising is as strange as I think! I have essentially moved the goalposts as when younger I readily accepted that we didnt socialise but I am now in a position where I am bored with OHs company, and even when sitting together we dont really chat or have anything to say to eachother. He also doesn't go out with his friends often, or see his family despite us all getting along well. If someone visits us at home he makes it clear he isn't happy and it borders on rude. What is wrong with him!? Or is it me? I would like to make it work for our childs sake but ultimately I am bored and resentful. Any suggestions would be great!

Well as I am not a high earner, the only option at present should be separate would be for me to claim benefits. I don't think I am being silly when I have looked into it in great detail and financially we would manage on tax credits. Actually, according to their figures I would be substantially better off as a single parent working my current hours. Childcare is part of our joint expenses, its only extras such as additional gymnastic fees that crop up every so often that I pay, or new clothes/school uniform, but I do save so I can pay for these. I think as I am the driver it is expected I will go for the shopping I did make a stand about this however it's so exhausting arguing about what we need to buy that I gave up and carried on doing it myself. I realise now I have unknowingly created these problems for myself in the hope of an easy life, which to some extent I do have as we dont argue & I try not to let the small things annoy me ie coming home after working a 13hour shift to washing up needing to be done. It's a good point you make about social anxiety @Bookworm83 as even with friends he only socialises doing a hobby or at the pub so may well be that he is uncomfortable. However, it seems if we are at an event together (which is extremely rare ie a family party) he cant enjoy himself, he is moody and wants to leave asap. This is what I dont understand, if I wasnt there he would be the life & soul of the party! My confidence has taken quite a hit over this &, I wonder if this is why I cant face up to the rest of it aswell. I'm not a pushover in any other aspect of my life so believe me I'm as frustrated at myself as you all are!!!

We only get one life. Imagine being 70 and looking back at what might have been if you had the notion to get a better life. I’m living my life at aged 55 so that when I get to 70 I only have good memories and no regrets

Sorry also to answer a few questions, yes we still have sex but not often, and previously he told me it can be 'boring' so that is the reason why. He sat his driving test 11 years ago but didn't pass and has since given up. I have considered ASD but honestly I'm not sure and there's no way he would ever think it was a possibility. Yes I am early 30's and although I dont have a high paying role I do enjoy my work and it fits in around childcare so I have stayed and hope for progression once my child is a little more independent. I am generally happy with my life and I am a good and mostly positive person so I know better days will come. Thanks again for all the advice and support I have a lot of sorting out to do.

OP you have been with him your entire adult life and not known anything different of course you are nervous about trying to change the way your relationship works.
If you try and get something resembling a fair balance between you and he isn't interested in this then you know that your future together will be the same as your past.
Then you have to face life on your own, this is a significant change.
But is this really anything like your best life?

When he’s a home with you what does he do? I’m wondering if he wants to be home due to his addiction, whatever it may be. He could be saving money and not want to spend so he could save around £20,000 a year easily based on £2500. He’s a cheeky fucker. If you think of the years he’s been treating you like this he’s got £1000s.
Can you do some discrete digging.
Maybe his friend covers for him.
Maybe he’s using prostitutes.

I’d stop paying anything in from now on. You need to start looking out for you.
It’s not equal.
He’s a bloody kill joy.
Time to deal with this now.

I drive op but my dh still pays for food i dont understand what thats got to do with it-he can transfer money to you

My ex husband was a bit like yours OP.

Withdrawn, boring, nothing to talk about, worked but contributed nothing to our household other than a salary. No help around the house or had any drive to arrange anything to be proactive. In our 8 years together we didnt socialise with others, we didnt have any weekends away and only one holiday (our honeymoon). He also didnt drive so i ended up being chauffeur for everyone including taking him to and from work at really inconvenient times when i had a newborn baby.

He was and still is a useless father, and just inherently selfish. He always put himself and his needs above me and the children. If he came in after a rough day and work he would slump on the sofa and that would be it. He'd never cook or clean, or prep uniforms for the next day, or get the children bathed. I absolutely resented the life that his laziness meant I was left with. I grew to hate him but was so worried about splitting up the family and worried how I would cope financially.

'Luckily' he cheated (ungrateful pig!!) and that was my way out. Yes it's been a rough couple of years as a single mum but I have never wished to be back with him, not even once.

Be kind to yourself OP. You don't have to make a decision about your future and that of your child today or this week. You have recently come to some very significant realisations posting here is part of your process, to get outside independent viewpoints. Take some time to think and I am sure an answer you feel comfortable with will present itself

It's likely to be the answer you're already thinking, but allow yourself time to get there.

@Mumofgals... You have been given plenty of useful and practical advice. In any event, it is clear that you already knew what to do.

So I'll just add this, from the late Mary Oliver:

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

Oh OP,
He sounds miserable, controlling and so mean.

Don't waste a minute more with him.

You are being used and isolated.

Don't allow it.

You will be better off on your own.

You are far too young to give up on life.

My ex was a little but like this. We got together when i was 17 and by the time i was in my mid-twenties I had outgrown him. We had nothing in common.

My now DH is the complete opposite and I can't tell you how much happier I am. We socialise together, with friends and separately ....we barely have a free weekend. It's mot an age thing either...my DH is nearly 50 and we were planning a night out drinking and dancing last night. Life is too short - you deserve to be happy.

The money thing is a separate issue. He sounds lazy and selfish and bordering on financially abusive.

So your only 32 and your next 32 could be so much better if you make some positive change. You have already worked out that you will be financially better off as a single parent which is shocking in itself ... as someone with a DH who got a double cancer diagnosis at a younger age, none of us know what the future might hold. My DH has no regrets about his life and will see what the future holds as for you do you really feel your having a great life and living it to the full with a partner who wants to share and enjoy it with you too?

It doesn’t sound like much of a partnership to me OP. He doesn’t sound like a good dad either if you do pretty much everything. What exactly is it that he brings to your life aside from company and continuity?

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Make your 33rd year on Planet Earth a lot brighter for both you and your child (a child that likely has his surname too).

You have handed over an awful lot of power and control to him here and he has run with it. Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. As indeed you have done here.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Would you want your child as an adult to have a relationship like yours?. No you would not and its not good enough for you either.

You are in an abusive relationship and like practically all of these, it creeps up unawares on people. Also some abusive men like outwardly strong women but sense their innate low sense of self worth and esteem. It gives them a challenge to bring the woman down with him to their base level.

I would think that sadly you were targeted by this abusive man primarily and simply too because you learnt poor relationship lessons to date and had no real life experience behind you.

He feels entitled to act as he does because he can. Its nothing whatsoever to do with ASD (that as well does not equal abuse and shows your own poor understanding of this) and or social anxiety. The man is an abusive fun sponge who will continue to bleed you dry emotionally and financially.

What do you know about his family background here?.
He is like this because he can and perhaps because his own father likely behaved the same towards his mother. Men like this hate women, ALL of them. And you are currently showing your child that his abusive treatment of you is still acceptable to you on some level, its no legacy to leave that young person.

And why would you at all want to make this work for the sake of the child?. Staying for the child rarely if ever is a good idea and in your case a particularly bad one.

You want this young person growing up thinking that yes, this is how men treat women in relationships?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

In 15 years? No DP is not like this. We've been together since we were 18 (7 years) and we share most of our friends now.

I'm invited to everything with his best mates (all female so I get to come as I don't change the dynamic) and we go on holidays, nights out, work Dos, dinner parties together.

We have separate nights of course but if we spend 80% of our social time together with friends.

I think you're incompatible tbh...

DP also earns 4x what I do and so we pay proportionally

Op honestly, you are still so young. You have your entire life ahead of you. Don't waste it on a miserable grumpy man.

I am getting a really vivid picture of the two of you sitting in two armchairs, aged 75.

I think the first step might be to improve your earnings. Lots of help and ideas in the Work section.

So, he socialises doing a hobby or at the pub so he actually has a social life but without you.
He worked abroad, he probably made a large salary & interacted perfectly with his colleagues.
It sounds miserable, Is it your own home? (sorry if you said,) yours/his/mortgage/rental ?
If its your rental, get to the CAB, find out what financial help you can get, he will have to pay CSA, which is a proportion of his salary, get it deducted at source, so he can't piss about, Show him the door.
Honestly you are describing a life, where he may be happy, but you are condemned to a life of a 90 year old

“And why would you at all want to make this work for the sake of the child?. Staying for the child rarely if ever is a good idea and in your case a particularly bad one.

You want this young person growing up thinking that yes, this is how men treat women in relationships?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?”

This. There are several extremely compelling reasons why you should end this relationship and underpinning all that is what you are modelling for your daughter. You’ve had to ask whether this is normal because you have nothing to compare it with. You now know it isn’t and that there is a great deal of behaviour going on which is unacceptable in a partner. Cast your mind forward 15-20 years. Would you want your daughter to be in a similar situation being ground down and exploited by her lazy, neglectful and indifferent partner and asking whether this is all she can expect from a relationship?

Single is infinitely better than this. You need to create a new normal for her. I’m sure you can. You’ve managed alone for years and you’ll be much happier without this deadweight of a partner dragging you down. Also he might actually step up his parenting if he has your DD some of the time and has to look after her himself.

We have only one life - this isn’t a dress rehearsal and you are clearly equal to the challenge of building the life you should be enjoying one step at a time. You’ve got this.

Get out and live. This isn’t how things should be.

NB. Getting older doesn’t mean not going out! Trust me. My DH and I have a fabulous social life with lots of friends.

You definitely don’t want to make this work for your child’s sake. What benefit will she get from seeing this?

• you do all the housework is a reason to leave
• you pay half despite him earning much more is a reason to leave
• you have no fun with him and never go out is a reason to leave
• you can’t even ask him to parent his own child for a few ours when you go out but have to find family to help! If I ever heard a reason to leave... You need to get your child out of this family set up, imagine what they are learning.

On the bright side you’re obviously capable and will be fine. Has your finances calculation included what he will pay in child support? I hope you are your dc blossom op.

I think as I am the driver it is expected I will go for the shopping I did make a stand about this however it's so exhausting arguing about what we need to buy that I gave up and carried on doing it myself. I realise now I have unknowingly created these problems for myself in the hope of an easy life, which to some extent I do have as we dont argue & I try not to let the small things annoy me ie coming home after working a 13hour shift to washing up needing to be done.

Read this again.

Is this the bottom line, the sum total of your relationship?

Seriously?