Does anyone have an OH like mine? And why are they like this!?

[Mumofgals]

I have been with my OH for 15 years and we have one child together. Things haven't been great for a long time and initially I thought it was the strain of having a young child. My OH wont socialise with me, meaning we have NEVER been on a date/dinner with another couple or group. I find our life extremely boring as we have no mutual friends so have nothing to talk about other than the every day things of work etc. When we met I was only 17 so didn't mind only spending our time together as I had a very busy life out with the relationship but now with a child this isn't possible. I do all childcare & am the only driver so dont have much spare time. (This is due to OH working long shifts so I drop/collect from childminder and activities) I also work full time & do all the housework so unsure if I am feeling resentful about this or whether this lack of socialising is as strange as I think! I have essentially moved the goalposts as when younger I readily accepted that we didnt socialise but I am now in a position where I am bored with OHs company, and even when sitting together we dont really chat or have anything to say to eachother. He also doesn't go out with his friends often, or see his family despite us all getting along well. If someone visits us at home he makes it clear he isn't happy and it borders on rude. What is wrong with him!? Or is it me? I would like to make it work for our childs sake but ultimately I am bored and resentful. Any suggestions would be great!

You pay half and in addition, do all the childcare and housework?
In addition, you don't have anything to talk about, and you also don't do anything together with him. He's moody and grumpy.

So ask yourelf seriously - what does this man add to your life? How does he make your life nicer and better and more fun and interesting?

He doesn't, does he? Now can you imagine spending the rest, what, 50 years with him?

Yes I have friends, I do socialise with them when I can and am generally happy with my job, family etc. I just wondered whether I am unusual in that me & OH essentially live separate lives! Sometimes we do get on well, we have the same sense of humour, he is very funny & gorgeous! He is a good dad and works hard. But I realise you are all right and I should consider myself in this. I'm not sure what my reasons for staying are tbh, I dont feel afraid as such to leave but I am worried about the impact on our child and i obviously feel sad at the thought of him not being a part of my life after so long. I have a lot of decisions to make but I cannot bring myself to have the conversation although I know its the right thing. What on earth is holding me back!?!

Start a list. Stay . Go.
See if that helps you decide.
Most woman who write a post like yours are already one foot out the door, you deserve a life.

The fact he earns 3x more than you and you pay half towards everything is disgusting. Why do you allow it?

I have around 400pm left for shopping/Petrol/things for our child whereas hes left with over £2500 (at a rough guess)

Hang on. He doesn't even pay towards his kid?

'He's very funny and gorgeous'. Well that changes everything, crack on then.

'Handsome is as handsome does' is more my way of thinking though.

Jesus. You’re being taken the piss out of. He earns 3x what you do and at the very least should be paying in (for bills etc) 3x what you do. It’s not fair or equitable right now. He’s getting away with it! Plus you do everything else. He’s unbelievable. When was the last time he pushed a hoover around? Why are you putting up with this crap?

What a nasty fucking user!

You're being financially abused.

50-50 on the bills, but about 90-10 to you when it comes to all the extra work - childcare, cleaning, cooking etc, especially childcare - which makes it impossible for you to earn a similar wage to him?

He's either gambling or probably is building up a nice little nest egg somewhere at your expense. Probably for a house which your name definitely won't be on.

He isn't a good dad. He's an absolutely shit dad who sees himself as not part of a family unit but is out for himself financially, making sure he's ok at the expense of his child and their mum.

I would suggest this.

Sit down with him and tell him that you've had enough of the financial inequality. Basically, he earns more because YOU FACILITATE IT. You earn less because you take on practically ALL of the other responsibilities he should be sharing in as a person enjoying family life - childcare, housework.

Tell him he's got two choices. Either he steps up and does 50% of all the ACTUAL work in your family life, so that you can earn more, take on more overtime etc and then FAIRLY contribute that 50%, or he starts paying at least 75% of all bills to reflect the fact that he earns more because your extra work makes that possible. If he won't do either of these things, then the relationship is going to have to end. Remind him that one thing being financially fleeced by him for so long has taught you is that yes, you can manage without him - and you'd actually be better off if you did :)

My bet is he will refuse. Start packing and arranging - and go if he doesn't cave.

If he does cave, it will be paying more rather than taking on responsibility, because as said above he is an example of a fuckign bottom feeder parent. If he does this, smile and say great! - and spend six months or so getting your savings looking better and then leave him anyway.

Even if he were not a financial abuser, this relationship has run its course. You're only there because you got together so young you have no idea what a good life looks like. It isn't this. He is lazy, ignorant, boring. It isn't you. Don't waste your life with him.

So from your 'spare' cash you pay petrol to ferry everyone about, buy things for your DC and food for everyone? They should all be shared costs!
He is not a good Dad as he treats his DC's mother like shit.
Financial abuse for starters.
Of course he does not want to leave! He has life exactly as he wants it - pays reduced rate child support, free chauffeur, all housework done for him, keeps most of his pocket money to piss up a wall.....need I go on?
Has he grown up at all since he was a teenager? Is he medically not able to drive? or is he too fecking immature?
OP, what he wants is irrelevant. You want a happy life, a partner who takes equal share in everything and pays a fair share, you want to go out and have fun - you're a long time dead! You will not get any of those things with this one. First step is to separate.
Your DC would sooner be from a broken home than be living in one. She will survive! It's up to you to give her some happiness and fun while she is young.

I'm with PPs I'm VERY confused why your leftover cash is paying for petrol, food and costs for DC! These are all household expenses and should be included with other bills.

Even if you accept the very unfair division of household chores, and the 50/50 split in bills, that should be 50/50 of everything associated with the house and your child.

I really hope you have the strength to LTB as it sounds like you'd be very much better off without him.

I don't think the social side would be at all odd if you were both happy with it (we never go on dates or out to dinner with other couples either, neither of us would want that - friends are individual not pairs...)

However there are loads of other things blatantly obviously wrong - the unbalanced childcare and domestic load, the financial secrets and unfair distribution of financial responsibility, the fact you're bored in his company, the fact you're unhappy.

Definitely time to think seriously about what you want - do you want to talk seriously about saving the relationship? What response do you anticipate?

Presumably you're only in your very early 30s are you?

So you pay half of all the bills... but he still expects you to do the vast majority of the housework/childcare? Why?? What's his excuse for not pulling his weight at home?

If he says it's because of his long hours - tough. You helping to facilitate his work could make sense if you were seeing the benefits of his extra hours (i.e. he was paying more into the bills), but you get no benefit from him working longer... so why should you facilitate it?

He's chosen a job that requires long hours - that doesn't magically mean his half of the chores/childcare vanishes. He still needs to pull his weight at home. Maybe he should consider moving jobs? He could take a pay cut (which wouldn't impact you at all!) to get a job with better hours / closer to home, and do his fair share at home.

This relationship is stagnant without the obvious financial abuse and your ohscomplete lack of responsibility towards the household he shares.

He is a lodger with a free chauffeur/ childminder and housekeeper.

If you left his bills would increase, so no wonder he is happy with the status quo he pays minimal towards his family costs and has a huge amount of disposable income.

He is basically fleecing you
And he doesn't have to make any effort at all to make this anyway near a functioning adult/family relationship. He gets to ignore you and any other social event etc.

Op you can leave and live a real life without this financial and emotional drain.

I really appreciate all of the responses here, I do know I have allowed this to go on far too long. Part of the problem is that as teenagers we lived separately, then when our child was born he worked abroad so financial differences weren't obviously apparent and he had other costs of living etc, its only in the last year he has been living in the family home full time & this is when I have realised the unfairness. I was also used to doing all childcare/domestic chores as I lived alone and when he was home I was happy to stay at home as it was nice to have him back. I dont for one second think this is okay, but for a long time I didnt see the full extent of it. I realise it cannot go on & know it will be up to me to facilitate change, however at the moment I cant see the wood for the trees and actually I think I am a little bit lost. Huge thanks for all the support and hope nobody else is in my position as I realise how laid back and stupid I have been.

If you want to stay pick a time when you aren't both exhausted and go through your joint finances, with a spreadsheet or paper and calculator.
Look at all the incomings and out goings. Sort out a proportional payment for each of them. Maybe a joint account to cover all these expenses that you both put a fair percentage based on earnings into.
Then once money is done move onto chores, again a list then splitting off a fair percentage based on time at time, given that income should now be fairly divided.
Then agreed to review in a set time to see if it needs adjustments.
Without clear action I see this dreadful behavior continuing unchecked.

I'd be off quite frankly, this sounds luck a miserable existence. Does he still want sex, get you anything for your birthday etc

Replying to the original post (not the follow ups about the financial stuff, that's very different).

I'm exactly like your OH in that I hate socialising and opt out of it 75% of the time.
The reason is social anxiety. Socialising is torture and drains me of all energy... Though my husband knew about it from the start and accepts me the way I am. As much as he'd love me to socialise more, he's perfectly happy seeing his friends and family without me.

So presumably you're in your early 30s?

OP, you've got your whole life ahead of you. Don't beat yourself about putting up with it for so long. Now is the time you should start your new chapter.

It sounds as though he is taking you for granted and treating you like part of the furniture.

He really isn’t a good dad if he doesn’t pay for anything for his child op.

why are u paying for all the food? even if he did work aborad you can split finances fairly

why are you still paying half of everything

I hope you aren't also paying for all the childcare. It's financial abuse, making you justify if he needs to stump up a littlle bit more for an extra class etc very controlling, keeping you short, Not loving or kind.

I don't know if he is depressed or just a joy sucker but he is being a real miser and treating you appallingly financially. What would you like to change? What would make your life better?

No, his behaviour might be common on advice boards but isn 't "normal"

What on earth is holding me back!?!

No idea but you and your child are extremely vulnerable as you are not married. And it’s very silly to think you’ll be ok on UC or tax credits.

From the figures you've given it looks like he earns at least £60k with you on around £20k. You each work full time and pay half the bills. You pay most extra expenses like food and also do all housework and childcare. He barely speaks to you.

What is the point of him? You'd probably get more in CMS than he gives you now.

Could he be on the autistic spectrum? Some signs of it in your description.