22 weeks pregnant, wedding, house, questioning relationship

[rosieflowers]

Hello, I am 22 weeks pregnant with first baby, I'm 29. I've been with DP 4 years. Pregnancy was a shock/ surprise, I found out at 12 weeks, I have been on the pill for over four years.

We just bought a house together in Sept which needs a lot of work, we currently don't have a bathroom for example and baby's room is back to brick.

We decided when we found out that we would get married, this mostly came from me as it's 'the right thing to do' and my family were very keen.

I'd say it's been a stressful time for both of us but it's really only for me, all house renovations, wedding planning (to a very small budget) and budgeting for both have fallen to me. DP takes no interest, often with the get out that he doesn't have the money right now (he put all his savings into the house deposit to be fair) or it was me that wanted it. When it suits his argument he will say that there was nothing wrong with the house for example which is completely untrue especially now we have a baby on the way.

Really he is very lazy and if i let him he would spend all his spare time at the gym, playing or watching football or playing xbox. In the four years we've been together I've been clear this isn't acceptable and I need more from him and he does help around the house etc but I have to tell him to do everything, the mental load is 100% me. I am losing a lot of respect for him I feel when I see how much me, my mum and dad and other men are willing to do while he sits there with a face on him because I've asked him to help me with something.

With the wedding and the house I have about three times in the last month reached breaking point and got upset and asked for his help or wanted some emotional (at least) support. Like anyone who's stressed perhaps this doesn't always come out in the perfect way.

He has always been incapable of dealing with any negative emotions from me, he blows up, blames me, often for creating a fuss about nothing or a problem when there isn't one, and then goes completely silent which is so frustrating and upsetting. He will then just go to sleep without a further word and probably be in a mood the next day too. A lot of the time I don't want a solution I just want some emotional support and some kind words.

Well tonight after the third argument in about a month I am in the spare room again in tears wondering if I should go ahead with the wedding, have I made a huge mistake in falling pregnant to this man, and thinking that perhaps our relationship is only good when it's good. When things get hard we struggle.

I don't know what to do or how to handle this for the rest of my pregnancy and afterwards. It doesn't help that I have always been ambivalent about having kids so am not over the moon about the baby on its own in any case. I'm so scared about being tied to someone who perhaps I'm only now seeing for what/ who they are if anyone has any advice or words of wisdom I would be so grateful

I think perhaps now life is getting serious and it's not just holidays, boozy afternoons and weekends and shopping trips, the fact that he gives me no emotional support has come to the fore. How can I get him to see my side of this and can it be saved?

Didn't want to read and run.

Obviously, his behavior is unacceptable—not just in what he's doing but by being unwilling to listen when you have a problem.

If you think this is salvageable, then perhaps some counseling with an intermediary? It can do wonders to have an outside perspective.

This is only, of course, if you want to. You'd be well within your rights to cut and run.

Thank you for your reply Nancy, sorry it was such a long post to wade through. I agree that an outside perspective would be helpful for both of us but I don't think he sees anything as a problem enough to warrant seeing a counsellor. His life is fine and dandy unless I get upset about something, and then the problem is me causing a problem not what's making me upset 😂 I could laugh if it didn't make me cry

I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid, but ime all women go through these same worries at some point during pregnancy when the realisation hits home so you are not alone.

I'd say hold off on the marriage for now if you are unsure and money is tight as it is. You've a lot going on without it and may regret rushing it in the future?

You need to have a serious conversation with your dp about what both of your priorities are, how you are going to finance baby and house, mat leave and childcare etc. You also need to try and explain your emotional needs to him as calmly as you can. That he needs to step up. Someone once told me that you become a mum during pregnancy but dad's don't become fathers until the baby is born and I agree with this, their life doesn't change until the baby arrives whereas you've already had months of huge change and sacrifice for your little one.

Realistically your baby won't need its own room for at least 6 months post birth, but you will definitely need a functioning bathroom. Break it down into manageable steps and see if that helps you work together?

Dont get married.
You had worries before you got pregnant.
He wont change. You cant change him. If you dont like his behaviour now, you never will.

I think this man needs to mature, or at least have the realisation both of your lives have or are entering a new chapter. Parenthood, home ownership, hells bells he needs to step up and be a serious supportive partner in all this. Life’s not just about Xbox, boozie afternoons and playing/watching football in his spare time. And his moodiness, oh heck you’ve got a challenge. Me, I’d concentrate on my pregnancy, that’s enough to be getting with, definitely, most definitely wouldn’t be entertaining any wedding plans until he makes you happier.

You sound like you have too much on your plate. Pregnancy, house renovations and a wedding! It's too much. I would put the wedding on hold. You need to minimize your stress for yourself and the health of your baby.

Fake a break-in and pretend his Xbox got stolen (can his parents hide it at their house for a few weeks ?) and that thieves left a ransom note ...,
"We have your console and FIFA 21 ... iNo harm will come to them once we have proof that a working bathroom is fitted and that no one is weeing in a bucket or showering by hose in the garden. Especially Do not call police or Homebase... you have been warned that good quality toilets and bathtubs only are acceptable. We will send more with instructions in a few days, stay by the door... (but hoover whilst you're there), signed the robbers xx

(Only if he'd find it a joke and laugh with you)

@Didshereally he definitely wouldn't laugh 🤣

He had a difficult upbringing moving house every 6 months or so, no discipline or guidance and conflict is resolved in his mum's house by shouting so I do understand why he doesn't have a good blueprint for dealing with relationship issues. In contrast my family though they have their flaws like everyone are super supportive emotionally and practically and did everything 'right' when we were growing up. Me and my dad have done a lot of DIY on the house and DP will instead go off and play football or to the pub or xbox etc which I and I'm sure my dad find awful. To be fair DP has started to help more with the DIY but he still makes it clear he'd rather be elsewhere. I am from a family of doers while he is absolutely not.

When we are good we are really good but when I am upset or stressed or have an issue, I just have to sort myself out essentially which is very lonely.

Thank you everyone for acknowledging that everything I have going on is reason to be stressed, he doesn't seem to be able to do that, everytime I mention a problem I've come to (e.g. matching dresses for his siblings ranging from 5 - 14 for under £30 each which seems to be impossible) he just belittles it, says I don't know what the problem is, I'll do it. But he wouldn't do it and wouldn't countenance us not supplying their outfits either, taking it as a sign that I hate his family

I am having doubts about getting married. I have been led to believe its important by all the crap on mumsnet and also because it's what everyone in my familt has always done and I don't want to be the first. I would also like us to be a family when the baby is born. However I don't know if this extra tie is necessary right now. Even on a practical level I brought most of the capital and earnings to this relationship, I put £25k into the house to his £7k, have spent around £9k so far on it, and I am the higher earner (about 60:40). Obviously telling everyone the wedding is off feels like a massive thing though.

He's just woken up in a bad mood come into the room I'm getting ready in and had another go about the argument we had last night, no kind words or a cuddle.

Thing is it's not 'helping' it's doing his fair share and if he's not doing it now what on earth is he going to be like when the baby arrives? Definitely don't go ahead with the wedding, you don't need the extra stress st the moment.

Oh and cancelling a wedding is tough but that's no reason to go through with something that you know isn't right...

He needs a short sharp shock. Don’t tip toe over this. Tell him straight you can’t cope, you want a separation for a while and ask him to leave, or you leave. Stick to your guns - it may take him a while to realise... weeks even. You cannot go into a marriage or partnership with things as they are, your life will be miserable and horrible for your child. If he’s doesn’t step up and realise that he needs to change drastically then end it for good.
Trust me your life will be harder with a baby and miserable with him nor helping.

Marriage is important for women who are in the weaker position. Taking time out to raise the children, not getting promoted, adding to their pension pot etc.

In your case, you are actually in the higher position where you are bringing more to the marriage.

As it hasn’t happened yet it might be better to get advice on whether it would be better not to.

Older women, who have their own house and children are actually advised not to get married

Research is needed here. Plus a good long look at whether or not this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with.

How is he going to be when you ask him to look after the baby’s while you go have a nap? To change them? To do a night feed? Sometimes it is easier to do it on your own

I think you should tell him you want to cancel/postpone the wedding due to his attitude and see if anything changes. Have you discussed what will happen when baby arrives, will he be changing Nappies and taking over the housework while baby is tiny or will you just be left to do everything?

Why on earth do you have to supply dresses for his siblings?!

Being married is important if you’re going to be a sahm and aren’t financially independent but you are, and you put more into the house. Currently he has more to gain then you. And quite frankly what anyone thinks or has done before is irrelevant. Don’t get married to keep up appearances. This is your life. He seems to be selfish and inconsiderate. What will it be like when you’re tired from having a newborn? Will he be getting up in the night, changing nappies? Supporting you? Or will he just be gaming or going off to the pub? Put the wedding on hold and consider how great this relationship really is.

He's not really on your team here
Don't marry him and think seriously about whether this is the kind of relationship you want

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

I would certainly call the wedding off and how is it also you've been tasked with buying dresses for his siblings?.

How did you end up in a relationship with a self absorbed manchild?. Did you see him as a project to improve or otherwise damaged soul to be somehow rescued and or saved by you?. That is something you are going to have to ask your own self going forward. Reading "Women who love too much" by Dr Robin Norwood could also help you too.

I would plan for life as a single parent along with giving this child your surname because he is really neither of use nor ornament. He is not stepping up now and when your child is born you will likely be expected to do all the donkey work as well. Even with this house that you've put more money into it appears to be your dad and you doing the bulk of the work on it. I would also consider letting the house go as well.

Your manchild's silent treatment towards you is really here another example of emotional abuse.

I have joined Mumsnet specifically because of the red flags in your post and I wanted to warn you.

DO NOT GO AHEAD. He is not good for your mental health. This has disaster written all over it in capitals.

He has zero motivation which is not something you can cajole or heaven forbid I use the term 'nag' as that is all it would sound to him.

Zero motivation means he wants to be left alone to be on his Xbox, play football etc and you expecting any different will just cause aggro.

The only way this will work if HE wants to do it off his own back. My dh for example is always offering or just doing stuff for me and our DC and the house. I cannot imagine having to coerce him to do 'grown up ' things.

You need to stop. Go back to your parents. Tell them everything. Sell up. Do what you want with the pregnancy.

You cannot change a fundamentally lazy selfish emotionally stunted male or female.

You have been warned.

Cancel the wedding, that can be done down the track if you still want to.
Have a good long talk about finances, child care and expectations of you both post birth.
Is he expecting you to pay for everything?
Will he be doing some night feeds?
What free time/ gaming time is he expecting post baby?
What are your expectations?
Are they compatible?
Good luck

Not much more to add but the advise is to marry if you're the lower earner or will.be a SAHM otherwise it's best not to.

I would pack your bags and head to your parents for a few nights to be looked after. Pregnancy is hard slog and if you don't feel supported or engaged by a responsible adult the mental toll of pregnancy alone will erode your mental health.

The change of pace will do you good and the absence of you from the home may shock him into growing up. I sympathise because I am also a doer, I married a next level doer and the rate that "shit gets done" is always very reassuring- I could not cope with a grown up who chooses gaming over sorting the material element of his life out.

Cut lose, go to your parents and just forget about him for a few days.

@Wisteriacottage do what you want with the pregnancy

She's 22 weeks pregnant - I'm sure your comment was well meant but honestly she has made no mention of wanting to "do" anything with the pregnancy, and abortion at 22weeks is a huge physical and mental undertaking.

Cancel the wedding. Your priority is not to be picking out dressess. Your priority is to make your living environment safe for you and your baby and to look after yourself in your pregnancy. That should also be his priority as the father of the child.

If you decide you still want to get married then you can do a registry office quickie. A big party can always be held later when you don't have so much on your plate.

The statement that's stuck out for me from your OP
In the four years we've been together I've been clear this isn't acceptable

If he's been like this the whole time then is there any prospect of him changing? His arguing style is certainly not constructive - blaming you, the silent treatment, etc, is not going to get any better when the baby arrives unless there's some intervention.

Have you thought about relationship counselling?