22 weeks pregnant, wedding, house, questioning relationship

[rosieflowers]

Hello, I am 22 weeks pregnant with first baby, I'm 29. I've been with DP 4 years. Pregnancy was a shock/ surprise, I found out at 12 weeks, I have been on the pill for over four years.

We just bought a house together in Sept which needs a lot of work, we currently don't have a bathroom for example and baby's room is back to brick.

We decided when we found out that we would get married, this mostly came from me as it's 'the right thing to do' and my family were very keen.

I'd say it's been a stressful time for both of us but it's really only for me, all house renovations, wedding planning (to a very small budget) and budgeting for both have fallen to me. DP takes no interest, often with the get out that he doesn't have the money right now (he put all his savings into the house deposit to be fair) or it was me that wanted it. When it suits his argument he will say that there was nothing wrong with the house for example which is completely untrue especially now we have a baby on the way.

Really he is very lazy and if i let him he would spend all his spare time at the gym, playing or watching football or playing xbox. In the four years we've been together I've been clear this isn't acceptable and I need more from him and he does help around the house etc but I have to tell him to do everything, the mental load is 100% me. I am losing a lot of respect for him I feel when I see how much me, my mum and dad and other men are willing to do while he sits there with a face on him because I've asked him to help me with something.

With the wedding and the house I have about three times in the last month reached breaking point and got upset and asked for his help or wanted some emotional (at least) support. Like anyone who's stressed perhaps this doesn't always come out in the perfect way.

He has always been incapable of dealing with any negative emotions from me, he blows up, blames me, often for creating a fuss about nothing or a problem when there isn't one, and then goes completely silent which is so frustrating and upsetting. He will then just go to sleep without a further word and probably be in a mood the next day too. A lot of the time I don't want a solution I just want some emotional support and some kind words.

Well tonight after the third argument in about a month I am in the spare room again in tears wondering if I should go ahead with the wedding, have I made a huge mistake in falling pregnant to this man, and thinking that perhaps our relationship is only good when it's good. When things get hard we struggle.

I don't know what to do or how to handle this for the rest of my pregnancy and afterwards. It doesn't help that I have always been ambivalent about having kids so am not over the moon about the baby on its own in any case. I'm so scared about being tied to someone who perhaps I'm only now seeing for what/ who they are if anyone has any advice or words of wisdom I would be so grateful

it's 'the right thing to do' and my family were very keen.

No! It is not necessarily "the right thing to do!"...
Marry in haste (or even not) and repent at leisure" (never will be, with children).

Oh purlease, don't sacrifice your health and happiness for a crap family expectation of how things were in the 1950s.
You are stronger than that!

Why are you still trying to please your parents/family dynamics....

Hello everyone, thank you so so much for all of your wise words. It's pretty unanimous on the wedding front and I know in my heart you are right. I am going to talk to family and friends this weekend and make my decision.

@gingerbreaddragon I really identified with what you said about trying to work as a team pre baby but now with the baby in the picture it's really like I have lost all tolerance for his crap. I also seem to have the ick and looking at him I can't help but see him as pathetic and nasty and so unwilling to give me anything. I do feel he has been really aggressive and not listening to my point of view at all the past couple of weeks. When it comes to the wedding and the house he has no patience whatsoever to listen to me frustrated/ stressed/ upset.

I think part of it is his lack of involvement (his choice/ nature) which makes him feel like he doesn't know what's going on and also the fact that he has not much money to contribute to either of these at the moment which I think makes him feel sometjing like emasculated, though that's not quite the right word.

The main problem in our relationship from my point of view is his inability to talk or really listen to me and comfort me when I need it, he really has no patience for it and I find it so frustrating and upsetting.

We have been out for a meal with his brother, gf and daughter tonight so were nice in front of them but the moment we closed the door it was awkward again, I think this is because we are never able to talk about or resolve things. I said I would be in the other bedroom again tonight as I'm still upset and need to talk. He said you're just making it worse again and shut the lounge door. I won't hear from him again tonight or tomorrow morning.

I am just so so gutted, I really had no idea my life would turn out this way, I hate to say it but I am just so so sorry that I have fallen pregnant in these circumstances. But its still difficult for me to see where it went wrong, when things are good our relationship is fantastic, now that we're being tried it seems to be just getting worse and worse. I am under a huge amount of stress with all of this plus work and I know that doesn't help

In this time of stress I really do need more from him and I don't know how to get that across

Sorry for the rambling but I am really in turmoil

For those asking practical questions we do have a deed of trust in place protecting our relative shares of the property.

I don't know if he thinks he is right or if he just doesn't want the confrontation. It breaks my heart when he makes no effort to come in to me in the other bedroom though or come and try and resolve things. Instead he can just go to sleep without a word while I'm sat here 5.5 months pregnant and in tears

The thing is that even if you were married to Hannibal Lector there would be times when the marriage was good! Nobody is horrible all of the time.

I agree with PPs who said that you cannot do anything with someone who has no motivation. You just can't make them do things without feeling like you've lost your self respect.

I agree with everyone who says don't marry him. I would see it that you have 18 weeks to sort things out on a practical level. Could you afford to buy him out and stay in the house? If not, you need to get that house on the market asap and get yourself something else. There's still time. Your family will help you decorate it.

You will be far better off in your own place with your baby than you would be living with this guy - and then he can play computer games to his heart's content.

I have said to him before that he only likes me when I'm happy, whenever I need something from him it's a problem for him

It sounds pretty hopeless to me, things could possibly be saved if he was willing to do couple's counselling and actually engage with it - ie listen and take on board what you say. But based on what you've written it sounds unlikely he would do that?

Cancel the wedding op. It’s a mistake to push ahead with it like this.

If he's like this now you will only get more of the same or worse when the baby is here. He can't/won't be the emotional support you need because he doesn't have the emotional maturity to be there for you. It's all about him. I feel so sad for you because I was there where you are, I felt so alone and so frustrated and sad because all I needed was some emotional support and a feeling of teamwork and I couldn't understand why he wasn't there for me, I too cried alone many nights throughout my pregnancy. He never came through for me.

You are better off without him trust me, it's so unlikely he will change.

You're strong and you have your family you can do this without him and you'll be surprised at how much easier it is without him there draining and upsetting you.

Sorry you are going through this.

Hi OP.

I wanted to tell you about my friend who cancelled her wedding 10 DAYS beforehand when she realised she was marrying someone in the hope that he would change after the wedding into the person she had been trying to get him to be during their courtship.

4 years later she has just married someone else and is much happier as she is with someone who is already enough for her and makes her happy.

If he isn't making you happy now, in lots of ways, I don't see it changing once you have added stress and responsibility in the mix (aka your surprise baby). It would be different had you never talked to him about all this, but you have been over and over it by the sounds of it.

You are not married yet. He is showing you his absolute best now.

Have you got the legal agreement on the property in place? That will be the most difficult thing to sort out when you break up.

Don't marry this boy. He has a lot of growing up to do. I don't know where to start with sorting out the house situation but definitely forget any thoughts of marriage. I think I'd be tempted to sell the house in its current state and make plans for just you and the baby.

I don't think he wants to grow up yet.

Don't marry him and think seriously if you want to stay.

Lazy selfish manchild.
Can't resolve anything constructively.
Bad background/upbringing - sone people might have overcome it )in their thinking and behaviour, he hasn't).

If you could take financial hits from marrying him, don't marry him!
As someone said don't fk yourself up because of some 1950s ideal. In the 50s you'd have been married before having kids, married before living together, we don't live in that world.

Oh and btw this is not meant to scare you but just to help you make realistic decisions ... I have a very helpful, responsible partner who's stepped up and having a baby, now toddler, has still been the most relentlessly tiring, stressful, demanding, mind melting, friction causing experience to date.

Hi op.

You sound very sensible. You've recognised that your partner cannot or will not step up to the plate. And you cant change that.

Lots of good advice on here. Don't marry this guy, you deserve so much better, and better to call off a wedding than a divorce, when you will have invested so much more time on him.

All the very best to you for your future, which will be so much better not married to him.

I think buying him out is a great idea. Cheaper than a wedding and you will be better without him. Could you afford the mortgage payments on your own? I assume he would have to pay maintenance as you would je the resident parent.

I have broached the subject of cancelling the wedding for now. I need to discuss with my family as some of them have already booked rooms. Beyond that there is next to no money to lose atm (less than £200) as we were doing it all in our back garden.

Beyond that though I am worried about being too hasty here our relationship overall has been great for four years, he has his flaws but I am worried about being overly hasty while my head is an absolute mess with this unplanned pregnancy, the renovation and everything else (plus hormones?) . We really need to talk but yet again I am getting the silent treatment tonight, I only got home 45 mins ago and not a word, he also didn't reply to my message today. On the other hand he had cooked a lovely meal left in the microwave and cleaned the kitchen etc after the workmen. Unfortunately as he didn't tell me about the dinner I had a cone of chips on the way home as was working late I now feel awful though but how was I to know?

I desperately want to talk to my mum about all this but she is not around and I am away this weekend too, we are going on a couples trip to another city, last thing I want to be doing in this state, I barely want to talk to anyone else, I feel like I'm about to burst into tears all the time!

I think putting the wedding on hold is reasonable but I don't think i want to separate or do anything with the house at the moment, I need a bit of breathing space and to not act rash.

Hi OP, as the others have said, please cancel the wedding. You also clearly aren't happy with this guy at all, and would be better to be free of him.

You can do it. xxxxx

Cancel the wedding. And if you choose not to end the relationship, please never ever put yourself in the position of being financially dependent on this 'man'.

Cancel the wedding and don't worry about the rest. The other decisions don't have to be made overnight.

OP one of the red flags here is you have yourself a partner who gives you silent treatment rather than tries to communicate with you to work on and resolve conflict, or at least acknowledges the conflict and asks for some time to think etc before coming together to talk.

How about you suggest postponing the wedding and going for some pre wedding Relate sessions to help you both?

The thing is that even if you were married to Hannibal Lector there would be times when the marriage was good! Nobody is horrible all of the time.

This, from Hollowtalk, is worth re-reading.

You don't need to separate Op. We're all utterly shit people sometimes, it's only when we refuse to make amends and better ourselves that it becomes a problem. The silent treatment is cruel and mean but it sounds like he's quite immature in some ways and I think as a PP has said a few sessions of relate would not go amiss.

I think if he point blank refuses to even think about going to counselling or to look at his own behaviour then things get a bit more serious, but right now you don't need to think about this and take it one day at a time.

I remember when I was pregnant, I couldn't understand at all why my partner didn't see how much more vulnerable and raw I felt, the hormones were insane and every argument was ridiculous. I also had the ick for a good 6-7 months so don't worry about that side of things.