22 weeks pregnant, wedding, house, questioning relationship

[rosieflowers]

Hello, I am 22 weeks pregnant with first baby, I'm 29. I've been with DP 4 years. Pregnancy was a shock/ surprise, I found out at 12 weeks, I have been on the pill for over four years.

We just bought a house together in Sept which needs a lot of work, we currently don't have a bathroom for example and baby's room is back to brick.

We decided when we found out that we would get married, this mostly came from me as it's 'the right thing to do' and my family were very keen.

I'd say it's been a stressful time for both of us but it's really only for me, all house renovations, wedding planning (to a very small budget) and budgeting for both have fallen to me. DP takes no interest, often with the get out that he doesn't have the money right now (he put all his savings into the house deposit to be fair) or it was me that wanted it. When it suits his argument he will say that there was nothing wrong with the house for example which is completely untrue especially now we have a baby on the way.

Really he is very lazy and if i let him he would spend all his spare time at the gym, playing or watching football or playing xbox. In the four years we've been together I've been clear this isn't acceptable and I need more from him and he does help around the house etc but I have to tell him to do everything, the mental load is 100% me. I am losing a lot of respect for him I feel when I see how much me, my mum and dad and other men are willing to do while he sits there with a face on him because I've asked him to help me with something.

With the wedding and the house I have about three times in the last month reached breaking point and got upset and asked for his help or wanted some emotional (at least) support. Like anyone who's stressed perhaps this doesn't always come out in the perfect way.

He has always been incapable of dealing with any negative emotions from me, he blows up, blames me, often for creating a fuss about nothing or a problem when there isn't one, and then goes completely silent which is so frustrating and upsetting. He will then just go to sleep without a further word and probably be in a mood the next day too. A lot of the time I don't want a solution I just want some emotional support and some kind words.

Well tonight after the third argument in about a month I am in the spare room again in tears wondering if I should go ahead with the wedding, have I made a huge mistake in falling pregnant to this man, and thinking that perhaps our relationship is only good when it's good. When things get hard we struggle.

I don't know what to do or how to handle this for the rest of my pregnancy and afterwards. It doesn't help that I have always been ambivalent about having kids so am not over the moon about the baby on its own in any case. I'm so scared about being tied to someone who perhaps I'm only now seeing for what/ who they are if anyone has any advice or words of wisdom I would be so grateful

I would postpone your wedding. Try and use the next few months to get your property and relationship in the best state and see what happens.

However I would say that once I met my baby my tolerance for a lot of this BS became so much less. I just had no room for passengers and even stuff I thought had been dealt with came bubbling to the surface.

Definitely do not get married at the moment. See how things pan out after the baby arrives but if he’s as lazy as you say, sorry but I don’t think there is much hope.

Also you say you are losing respect for him, this was exactly how I feel and I think once you start with that it is pretty much the road to nowhere.

I don't blame you, he sounds just like my DH. Althought we did both make an effort to work as a team together for quite a long time before TTC, the cracks still show now a baby has put the pressure on.

Another one saying put the wedding on hold.

To be frank, you sound lovely OP and are clearly successful and have a loving family that will support you (emotionally and otherwise). Unfortunately it looks like your relationship is dead in the water as your DP is showing his true colours now. Don't tie yourself to this man. I know it's easier said than done but in your position I would be giving serious thought to kicking him out and going it alone. I'm sure your family can help get the house ready for you. It's not like your DP is helping anyway! If you weren't so far along in your pregnancy, I'd also be wondering if having a baby was the right decision.

Based on what you've said about him, I don't think he will change.
So I agree with PPs that you should call off the wedding.
You should also give the baby your surname whether you stay with him or not.
I have a feeling you're going to be doing 99% of the parenting on top of everything else you already do.
What's the plan for maternity leave? How do the two of you plan to split bills?

I would be giving serious thought to kicking him out

She can’t just kick him out. It’s his house.

I echo everyone else and postpone the wedding. It’s not the be all and end all to be married before baby arrives. Planning a wedding can be stressful at the best of times let alone in the middle of renovating a house and having a baby. You don’t need to tell people the wedding is off, you can just say that you’re going to wait a bit longer because baby is priority, and they will understand.
Life is only going to get more stressful once baby arrives so you need to find some strategies to help you cope, especially as you’re not getting much support from dp. I think half the trouble is that men don’t go through pregnancy, hormones etc so they really don’t understand what it’s like. It’s not an excuse, but for them life hasn’t changed yet. For you, the change is immediate.
Perhaps you could mention some counselling. He may not be keen but somethings got to give. Good luck x

Honestly I would tell him to fuck off..
If he's this unsupportive now it will be nightmare with dc in the picture...
When the level of responsibility goes up so much
Could your family help you buy him out??
Definitely cancel the wedding...

Neither of you chose to have a child now ... but you have carried it on and it really sounds like he doesn't want you never mind a child.... please get out now

Don't get married. You have enough doubts is. You already have the complications of an unplanned pregnancy and house purchase tying you to this man who sounds like he still thinks he is 20 years old, don't add a marriage to that.

Me and my dad have done a lot of DIY on the house and DP will instead go off and play football or to the pub or xbox etc which I and I'm sure my dad find awful

He is acting like a teenager OP and grown women don't marry teenagers. Do you think when DC arrives that he won't do exactly the same thing, disappear off to play with his mates leaving you to do everything. Do you want a life when you are wrecked tired, doing the night feeds, all the childcare and he is sat on the x-box? You and DC deserve better than that, cancel the wedding and find out about your financial set up if you would be better off selling up and getting a small place for you and baby and move on from this manchild.

He's not really on your team here
Don't marry him and think seriously about whether this is the kind of relationship you want

This!
So much this. Don’t marry him, he won’t change. It was a great relationship for your carefree days but he’s not stepping up where it matters, and you’ll have an actual baby to look after soon, you don’t need a second one. And as a 29 year old currently looking after a 22 day old baby, it’s hard - even though I love it, even though I have a lot of childcare experience and loved nursery work back in my early jobs. It’s hard. He’s going to make that worse right now, not better.

Protect yourself and your financial situation and don’t marry him. People will understand - if you need to, just say there are venue issues or something to the wider guests, and confide in a few close family and friends for support.

You can do so much better than someone who behaves like a teenage boy.

Cancel the wedding. It will give you a bit of breathing room, and will show him that you're serious about his behaviour being unacceptable so hopefully he'll step up. He's the father of your child, and if you do love him then it's worth seeing if you can salvage the relationship.

Could you afford to buy him out of the house now whilst it only 7k? That's possibly less than the wedding and divorce would cost you. By doing it up you're building up his equity and ironically making it harder for you to buy him out. If you marry it'll get even more complicated.

If you have problems now trust me it's not going to work when you have a new born.

Your baby does not deserve to grow up in a house where people shout at each other. What kind of childhood do you want for your baby?

As you are the higher wage earner you are in a better position than most and in this scenario getting married would be the absolute worst thing you could do!

It would mean half your assets plus half the time with your baby going to him should you divorce!!

Please stop and re think because you are barrelling ahead towards a cliff edge.

Marry him at your peril: financially, emotionally, physically and mentally.

Your gut instinct is screaming at you hence your post.

I would be careful even if you manage to coerce him to step up with the DIY because as the lower wage earner he gets half your assets, presumably a nice place to live, all his washing done, cooking done, cleaning done while he can go to the pub, play on his x box and play football and basically carry on as selfishly as he already is!

He has a lot to lose by breaking up with you so be prepared for the sob story and empty promises to change if you have it out with him.

It's not the charming side of people we need to worry about, everyone has that. It's the true side, the one they show you when angry or when they upset you that counts.

A lovely husband to be is one who puts your needs first without asking, is kind and thoughtful, can't wait to get the 'nest' ready for his offspring Nd is reassuring in his commitment to becoming much more responsible and mature.

Oh my goodness op, please listen to us!!!!!!

I don’t think you will find anyone on here who will encourage you to stay with him and all your efforts so far haven’t made any difference to this man. You sound lovely but you have a lot of excuses as to why he is still choosing to basically be a teenage boy and you may well have thought that this would make him grow up - he doesn’t want to. I don’t think he values you as much as he should do and he won’t value you MORE when you need him even more in a few months time

You need to stop thinking about what is the right thing to do from an outside perspective ie what will everyone else think, as saving face is costing you dearly already

Please don't marry him. You've made it clear for 4 years that you're unhappy and he's done nothing to change that, that's how much of a shit he gives about your feelings.

Marriage won't improve anything, in fact it will just make it worse as you'll then be legally tied to this man and will potentially have to give him half of everything when you inevitably reach the end of your tether and divorce him. I guarantee you when you bring up the prospect of separating he'll give you the sob story and promises of change, and how when you're married it'll all be different and you'll live happily ever after. Don't fall for it. A piece of paper won't change the fact he's a lazy selfish bastard.

Don't marry him. It'll cost way more to divorce him than you'll lose on cancelling the wedding. You know it isn't right - that is why you posted.

Don't marry a gaming man-child, he won't step up after the baby is here, your resentment will grow as he games whilst you are sleep deprived and exhausted looking after your baby.

I'd be looking to borrow 10k, buy him out of the house and sever ties. With him putting in only £7k and you putting in over £30k - are you joint tenants or does your % ownership reflect what you put in? If not - cocklodger alert.

Give the baby your surname. Don't waste any more of your life.

OP, you sound so lovely.

Don't marry this waste of space.
The house is mostly yours.

He's never going to put himself out

Your gut is screaming at you to protect yourself.

You are not sure if you want a child, don't make this worse for yourself by marrying a sulking waster.

Tell your parents the truth.

I know it feels easier now to just marry him but You will regret it.

You know well what he's like.

Its a lot easier and cheaper to cancel a wedding than to organise and pay for a divorce.
If things improve you can marry later

OMG he sounds like a stroppy teenager expecting you to be his Mum. He does not sound mature enough to step up and be a proper husband and father as he will not support you when you really need it.

I would call off the wedding right now.

Do you have family nearby who could help you?

Do not marry this man. I was once in a similar situation to you OP and I can tell you now I am SO glad I didn't get married. There is a child involved also. We split before the child was born and this helped with contact being introduced slowly and gradually as he had never looked after a baby on his own. It was so so so much easier having a newborn on my own than with a useless, waste of space (who was emotionally abusive too) around the place.

My life is so different now, and I'm very happy with a supportive, kind man who I never would have met if I had gone through with it against my gut feeling and tried to push through.

Your gut is telling you something - don't do it.

Postpone/put off the wedding it is stress that neither of you need at the moment.
A lot of people are saying LTB but only you know your DP and can say whether or not his behaviour is down to stress. You are both trying to get everything "done" and its probably not possible before your baby is born.
Try and be realistic, he's probably (from what you say) not been encouraged to do any DIY before, probably lacks confidence in this area so its easier to ignore what needs doing than make a mess of it,
and be criticised (my brother was like this and one of my sons is). He has probably only just got his head around having the responsability of having a mortgage, prbably a little immature an fatherhood is looming.
You both have a lot going, on all of it stressful, take a step back, a deep breath, concentrate on getting a working bethroom a functioning kitchen and somewhere vaguely comfortable to relax, to make the birth, the baby etc a lot easier.
Would he go to counseling? Try not to argue, perhaps both of you can recognise that you are putting yourselves under too much stress at the moment.
Good Luck

Do you have a legal agreement in place about the property? If not, sort that out asap.

Then cancel the wedding and take stock.

Do not get married to him. You’re not singing from the same hymn sheet and it certainly won’t get any better when a baby arrives

Oh please don't marry him...

I'd say it's been a stressful time for both of us but it's really only for me, all house renovations, wedding planning (to a very small budget) and budgeting for both have fallen to me.

DP takes no interest,

Is this the kind of life you envisaged for yourself? Nah, don't think so.

Single motherhood is a fuck of a lot better than dragging up a man child who is supposed to be a father.... you know it!